Re: Hello - new to the group.

[Guest guest]

Oh Hi, Sweetie, Welcome. You will find many stories just like your own right

here. It is up to you whether you go NC or LC, but I think most of us on

this group will tell you those are the only two choices. Your mother has to

make her decisions and you have to make your own. I know about the guilt,

I've been through it. A great book on that is the one about Emotional

Blackmail, which outlines Fear Obligation and Guilt, also known as FOG. Have

you read it? If you work at it, you can learn to set aside the things you

aren't responsible for. For example, if you set a boundary with your mother

(we call them nadas) and she crosses it, you move away, NC or LC.

As for me, I " m NC for about 7 years now. It started with NC just with nada

and then gradually over the years the NC expanded to include those who had

fallen under her spell who wanted to to drag me back into the FOG. I've had

some scary experiences lately, with total strangers sending me frighteing

emails from FOG land, telling me what a shitty person I am for leaving Nada

behind. Guess what? After all these years I have the strength to see that it

is a manipulation tactic, and then I move on. Well, okay, moving on means

re-reading every book I have for reassurance and posting here 10 times a

day. But that's a hell of a lot better than returning home to take care of

Nada and devoting my life to her crappy sickness purely out of guilt. No

thanks!

Well good luck to you! You will love this board, I think it will validate

you to read the posts here.

Let us know how we can help and support you.

Virtual hugs, Girlscout

On Sun, Aug 22, 2010 at 2:49 PM, nolegirl050709 wrote:

>

>

> Hello there,

>

> I've known my mother is an undiagnosed BPD for a few years now, but I'm

> finally seeking out group support as I search for a new therapist (new to

> the area). It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with my mom,

> and it's affecting my other relationships.

>

> I'm the only child of my mother, who has yet to move past my parents'

> divorce 20 years ago. I've functioned as my mother's primary support -

> almost as a parent to her - since I was a child, while the rest of my

> extended family knew something was wrong with her, enabled her, and watched

> silently as she abused me, mostly mental and emotional abuse, but some

> physical abuse as well.

>

> Last year, I decided to move out of state and away from my mother. Not just

> to move away from her necessarily, but that was a motivating factor. My

> therapist actually encouraged this for the sake of my impending marriage.

> She said, " If you and your fiance's marriage is to work, you need to move to

> (state). When your grandparents die, Alaska won't be far enough from your

> mother. "

>

> While the physical distance has helped, I am still having difficulty

> dealing with my mother. I want to go no/low contact with her, but I feel

> incredibly guilty. And when my mother is acting appropriately (she may also

> suffer from bipolar disorder; she has sought counseling a few times, but

> always discontinues therapy because " she's not crazy, the therapist is " ), it

> is even harder for me to maintain boundaries with her. She does not respond

> well to boundaries at all, of course. She usually screams and rages, then

> convinces my family that I'm mentally ill, that my fiance' is borderline

> abusive and not to be trusted, and that we are both in dire need of serious

> psychological help.

>

> It's now come to the point that after trying to have a family wedding, we

> are going away next month for a private ceremony with us and a few close

> friends. I know this is going to really throw her over the edge. In the

> meantime, my fiance' is encouraging me to go no contact with her until she

> agrees to seek help. I've tried telling him help is not something she is

> going to accept because she thinks she doesn't need any.

>

> I know he is right, that I need to go no contact with her for my and our

> sake both. She is abusive and controlling, and always aggravates my own

> mental health issues (anxiety and Adult ADD). As he said, if he treated me

> the way that she treats me, we wouldn't be together and I would never

> tolerate anyone else treating me or him the way she treats us collectively

> and separately. But of course, I feel extreme guilt. This is impacted by the

> fact that when I have attempted to go no contact with her in the past, my

> grandparents (her parents) have responded with, " We know she has issues, but

> she is your mother. You can't just cut her off. "

>

> I don't know what to do anymore. I welcome any advice you can give. Thank

> you

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh Hi, Sweetie, Welcome. You will find many stories just like your own right

here. It is up to you whether you go NC or LC, but I think most of us on

this group will tell you those are the only two choices. Your mother has to

make her decisions and you have to make your own. I know about the guilt,

I've been through it. A great book on that is the one about Emotional

Blackmail, which outlines Fear Obligation and Guilt, also known as FOG. Have

you read it? If you work at it, you can learn to set aside the things you

aren't responsible for. For example, if you set a boundary with your mother

(we call them nadas) and she crosses it, you move away, NC or LC.

As for me, I " m NC for about 7 years now. It started with NC just with nada

and then gradually over the years the NC expanded to include those who had

fallen under her spell who wanted to to drag me back into the FOG. I've had

some scary experiences lately, with total strangers sending me frighteing

emails from FOG land, telling me what a shitty person I am for leaving Nada

behind. Guess what? After all these years I have the strength to see that it

is a manipulation tactic, and then I move on. Well, okay, moving on means

re-reading every book I have for reassurance and posting here 10 times a

day. But that's a hell of a lot better than returning home to take care of

Nada and devoting my life to her crappy sickness purely out of guilt. No

thanks!

Well good luck to you! You will love this board, I think it will validate

you to read the posts here.

Let us know how we can help and support you.

Virtual hugs, Girlscout

On Sun, Aug 22, 2010 at 2:49 PM, nolegirl050709 wrote:

>

>

> Hello there,

>

> I've known my mother is an undiagnosed BPD for a few years now, but I'm

> finally seeking out group support as I search for a new therapist (new to

> the area). It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with my mom,

> and it's affecting my other relationships.

>

> I'm the only child of my mother, who has yet to move past my parents'

> divorce 20 years ago. I've functioned as my mother's primary support -

> almost as a parent to her - since I was a child, while the rest of my

> extended family knew something was wrong with her, enabled her, and watched

> silently as she abused me, mostly mental and emotional abuse, but some

> physical abuse as well.

>

> Last year, I decided to move out of state and away from my mother. Not just

> to move away from her necessarily, but that was a motivating factor. My

> therapist actually encouraged this for the sake of my impending marriage.

> She said, " If you and your fiance's marriage is to work, you need to move to

> (state). When your grandparents die, Alaska won't be far enough from your

> mother. "

>

> While the physical distance has helped, I am still having difficulty

> dealing with my mother. I want to go no/low contact with her, but I feel

> incredibly guilty. And when my mother is acting appropriately (she may also

> suffer from bipolar disorder; she has sought counseling a few times, but

> always discontinues therapy because " she's not crazy, the therapist is " ), it

> is even harder for me to maintain boundaries with her. She does not respond

> well to boundaries at all, of course. She usually screams and rages, then

> convinces my family that I'm mentally ill, that my fiance' is borderline

> abusive and not to be trusted, and that we are both in dire need of serious

> psychological help.

>

> It's now come to the point that after trying to have a family wedding, we

> are going away next month for a private ceremony with us and a few close

> friends. I know this is going to really throw her over the edge. In the

> meantime, my fiance' is encouraging me to go no contact with her until she

> agrees to seek help. I've tried telling him help is not something she is

> going to accept because she thinks she doesn't need any.

>

> I know he is right, that I need to go no contact with her for my and our

> sake both. She is abusive and controlling, and always aggravates my own

> mental health issues (anxiety and Adult ADD). As he said, if he treated me

> the way that she treats me, we wouldn't be together and I would never

> tolerate anyone else treating me or him the way she treats us collectively

> and separately. But of course, I feel extreme guilt. This is impacted by the

> fact that when I have attempted to go no contact with her in the past, my

> grandparents (her parents) have responded with, " We know she has issues, but

> she is your mother. You can't just cut her off. "

>

> I don't know what to do anymore. I welcome any advice you can give. Thank

> you

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh Hi, Sweetie, Welcome. You will find many stories just like your own right

here. It is up to you whether you go NC or LC, but I think most of us on

this group will tell you those are the only two choices. Your mother has to

make her decisions and you have to make your own. I know about the guilt,

I've been through it. A great book on that is the one about Emotional

Blackmail, which outlines Fear Obligation and Guilt, also known as FOG. Have

you read it? If you work at it, you can learn to set aside the things you

aren't responsible for. For example, if you set a boundary with your mother

(we call them nadas) and she crosses it, you move away, NC or LC.

As for me, I " m NC for about 7 years now. It started with NC just with nada

and then gradually over the years the NC expanded to include those who had

fallen under her spell who wanted to to drag me back into the FOG. I've had

some scary experiences lately, with total strangers sending me frighteing

emails from FOG land, telling me what a shitty person I am for leaving Nada

behind. Guess what? After all these years I have the strength to see that it

is a manipulation tactic, and then I move on. Well, okay, moving on means

re-reading every book I have for reassurance and posting here 10 times a

day. But that's a hell of a lot better than returning home to take care of

Nada and devoting my life to her crappy sickness purely out of guilt. No

thanks!

Well good luck to you! You will love this board, I think it will validate

you to read the posts here.

Let us know how we can help and support you.

Virtual hugs, Girlscout

On Sun, Aug 22, 2010 at 2:49 PM, nolegirl050709 wrote:

>

>

> Hello there,

>

> I've known my mother is an undiagnosed BPD for a few years now, but I'm

> finally seeking out group support as I search for a new therapist (new to

> the area). It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with my mom,

> and it's affecting my other relationships.

>

> I'm the only child of my mother, who has yet to move past my parents'

> divorce 20 years ago. I've functioned as my mother's primary support -

> almost as a parent to her - since I was a child, while the rest of my

> extended family knew something was wrong with her, enabled her, and watched

> silently as she abused me, mostly mental and emotional abuse, but some

> physical abuse as well.

>

> Last year, I decided to move out of state and away from my mother. Not just

> to move away from her necessarily, but that was a motivating factor. My

> therapist actually encouraged this for the sake of my impending marriage.

> She said, " If you and your fiance's marriage is to work, you need to move to

> (state). When your grandparents die, Alaska won't be far enough from your

> mother. "

>

> While the physical distance has helped, I am still having difficulty

> dealing with my mother. I want to go no/low contact with her, but I feel

> incredibly guilty. And when my mother is acting appropriately (she may also

> suffer from bipolar disorder; she has sought counseling a few times, but

> always discontinues therapy because " she's not crazy, the therapist is " ), it

> is even harder for me to maintain boundaries with her. She does not respond

> well to boundaries at all, of course. She usually screams and rages, then

> convinces my family that I'm mentally ill, that my fiance' is borderline

> abusive and not to be trusted, and that we are both in dire need of serious

> psychological help.

>

> It's now come to the point that after trying to have a family wedding, we

> are going away next month for a private ceremony with us and a few close

> friends. I know this is going to really throw her over the edge. In the

> meantime, my fiance' is encouraging me to go no contact with her until she

> agrees to seek help. I've tried telling him help is not something she is

> going to accept because she thinks she doesn't need any.

>

> I know he is right, that I need to go no contact with her for my and our

> sake both. She is abusive and controlling, and always aggravates my own

> mental health issues (anxiety and Adult ADD). As he said, if he treated me

> the way that she treats me, we wouldn't be together and I would never

> tolerate anyone else treating me or him the way she treats us collectively

> and separately. But of course, I feel extreme guilt. This is impacted by the

> fact that when I have attempted to go no contact with her in the past, my

> grandparents (her parents) have responded with, " We know she has issues, but

> she is your mother. You can't just cut her off. "

>

> I don't know what to do anymore. I welcome any advice you can give. Thank

> you

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

Welcome to the group.

I'm sorry you're going through so much stress with your mother right before your

wedding. But I really admire you for doing the difficult things (seeing a

therapist, moving) in spite of the guilt.

I know your grandparents mean well....but it sounds like they might not be

seeing the damage your mother is doing to you.

For the sake of your marriage, especially in the first year...no contact sounds

like the way to go. Your mother sounds increasingly unhinged (please know I mean

no offense) and the more you try to pull away, the worse she seems to get.

Giving in to her demands will only make her worse.

I truly wish I'd had your courage when I first got married. At my wedding, my

mother leaned over in the middle of the service to ask me, " when is this

over??? " That should've warned me of what was coming! I've been married 17

years and feel like my mother's shadow loomed over me/us most of that time. I

think she would've been delighted for my husband and I to get divorced. I'm

finally showing up in my marriage and putting my husband first.

Good luck and let us know how it goes,

Fiona

>

> Hello there,

>

> I've known my mother is an undiagnosed BPD for a few years now, but I'm

finally seeking out group support as I search for a new therapist (new to the

area). It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with my mom, and

it's affecting my other relationships.

>

> I'm the only child of my mother, who has yet to move past my parents' divorce

20 years ago. I've functioned as my mother's primary support - almost as a

parent to her - since I was a child, while the rest of my extended family knew

something was wrong with her, enabled her, and watched silently as she abused

me, mostly mental and emotional abuse, but some physical abuse as well.

>

> Last year, I decided to move out of state and away from my mother. Not just

to move away from her necessarily, but that was a motivating factor. My

therapist actually encouraged this for the sake of my impending marriage. She

said, " If you and your fiance's marriage is to work, you need to move to

(state). When your grandparents die, Alaska won't be far enough from your

mother. "

>

> While the physical distance has helped, I am still having difficulty dealing

with my mother. I want to go no/low contact with her, but I feel incredibly

guilty. And when my mother is acting appropriately (she may also suffer from

bipolar disorder; she has sought counseling a few times, but always discontinues

therapy because " she's not crazy, the therapist is " ), it is even harder for me

to maintain boundaries with her. She does not respond well to boundaries at

all, of course. She usually screams and rages, then convinces my family that

I'm mentally ill, that my fiance' is borderline abusive and not to be trusted,

and that we are both in dire need of serious psychological help.

>

> It's now come to the point that after trying to have a family wedding, we are

going away next month for a private ceremony with us and a few close friends. I

know this is going to really throw her over the edge. In the meantime, my

fiance' is encouraging me to go no contact with her until she agrees to seek

help. I've tried telling him help is not something she is going to accept

because she thinks she doesn't need any.

>

> I know he is right, that I need to go no contact with her for my and our sake

both. She is abusive and controlling, and always aggravates my own mental

health issues (anxiety and Adult ADD). As he said, if he treated me the way

that she treats me, we wouldn't be together and I would never tolerate anyone

else treating me or him the way she treats us collectively and separately. But

of course, I feel extreme guilt. This is impacted by the fact that when I have

attempted to go no contact with her in the past, my grandparents (her parents)

have responded with, " We know she has issues, but she is your mother. You can't

just cut her off. "

>

> I don't know what to do anymore. I welcome any advice you can give. Thank

you

>

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

Welcome to the group.

I'm sorry you're going through so much stress with your mother right before your

wedding. But I really admire you for doing the difficult things (seeing a

therapist, moving) in spite of the guilt.

I know your grandparents mean well....but it sounds like they might not be

seeing the damage your mother is doing to you.

For the sake of your marriage, especially in the first year...no contact sounds

like the way to go. Your mother sounds increasingly unhinged (please know I mean

no offense) and the more you try to pull away, the worse she seems to get.

Giving in to her demands will only make her worse.

I truly wish I'd had your courage when I first got married. At my wedding, my

mother leaned over in the middle of the service to ask me, " when is this

over??? " That should've warned me of what was coming! I've been married 17

years and feel like my mother's shadow loomed over me/us most of that time. I

think she would've been delighted for my husband and I to get divorced. I'm

finally showing up in my marriage and putting my husband first.

Good luck and let us know how it goes,

Fiona

>

> Hello there,

>

> I've known my mother is an undiagnosed BPD for a few years now, but I'm

finally seeking out group support as I search for a new therapist (new to the

area). It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with my mom, and

it's affecting my other relationships.

>

> I'm the only child of my mother, who has yet to move past my parents' divorce

20 years ago. I've functioned as my mother's primary support - almost as a

parent to her - since I was a child, while the rest of my extended family knew

something was wrong with her, enabled her, and watched silently as she abused

me, mostly mental and emotional abuse, but some physical abuse as well.

>

> Last year, I decided to move out of state and away from my mother. Not just

to move away from her necessarily, but that was a motivating factor. My

therapist actually encouraged this for the sake of my impending marriage. She

said, " If you and your fiance's marriage is to work, you need to move to

(state). When your grandparents die, Alaska won't be far enough from your

mother. "

>

> While the physical distance has helped, I am still having difficulty dealing

with my mother. I want to go no/low contact with her, but I feel incredibly

guilty. And when my mother is acting appropriately (she may also suffer from

bipolar disorder; she has sought counseling a few times, but always discontinues

therapy because " she's not crazy, the therapist is " ), it is even harder for me

to maintain boundaries with her. She does not respond well to boundaries at

all, of course. She usually screams and rages, then convinces my family that

I'm mentally ill, that my fiance' is borderline abusive and not to be trusted,

and that we are both in dire need of serious psychological help.

>

> It's now come to the point that after trying to have a family wedding, we are

going away next month for a private ceremony with us and a few close friends. I

know this is going to really throw her over the edge. In the meantime, my

fiance' is encouraging me to go no contact with her until she agrees to seek

help. I've tried telling him help is not something she is going to accept

because she thinks she doesn't need any.

>

> I know he is right, that I need to go no contact with her for my and our sake

both. She is abusive and controlling, and always aggravates my own mental

health issues (anxiety and Adult ADD). As he said, if he treated me the way

that she treats me, we wouldn't be together and I would never tolerate anyone

else treating me or him the way she treats us collectively and separately. But

of course, I feel extreme guilt. This is impacted by the fact that when I have

attempted to go no contact with her in the past, my grandparents (her parents)

have responded with, " We know she has issues, but she is your mother. You can't

just cut her off. "

>

> I don't know what to do anymore. I welcome any advice you can give. Thank

you

>

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

Welcome to the group.

I'm sorry you're going through so much stress with your mother right before your

wedding. But I really admire you for doing the difficult things (seeing a

therapist, moving) in spite of the guilt.

I know your grandparents mean well....but it sounds like they might not be

seeing the damage your mother is doing to you.

For the sake of your marriage, especially in the first year...no contact sounds

like the way to go. Your mother sounds increasingly unhinged (please know I mean

no offense) and the more you try to pull away, the worse she seems to get.

Giving in to her demands will only make her worse.

I truly wish I'd had your courage when I first got married. At my wedding, my

mother leaned over in the middle of the service to ask me, " when is this

over??? " That should've warned me of what was coming! I've been married 17

years and feel like my mother's shadow loomed over me/us most of that time. I

think she would've been delighted for my husband and I to get divorced. I'm

finally showing up in my marriage and putting my husband first.

Good luck and let us know how it goes,

Fiona

>

> Hello there,

>

> I've known my mother is an undiagnosed BPD for a few years now, but I'm

finally seeking out group support as I search for a new therapist (new to the

area). It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with my mom, and

it's affecting my other relationships.

>

> I'm the only child of my mother, who has yet to move past my parents' divorce

20 years ago. I've functioned as my mother's primary support - almost as a

parent to her - since I was a child, while the rest of my extended family knew

something was wrong with her, enabled her, and watched silently as she abused

me, mostly mental and emotional abuse, but some physical abuse as well.

>

> Last year, I decided to move out of state and away from my mother. Not just

to move away from her necessarily, but that was a motivating factor. My

therapist actually encouraged this for the sake of my impending marriage. She

said, " If you and your fiance's marriage is to work, you need to move to

(state). When your grandparents die, Alaska won't be far enough from your

mother. "

>

> While the physical distance has helped, I am still having difficulty dealing

with my mother. I want to go no/low contact with her, but I feel incredibly

guilty. And when my mother is acting appropriately (she may also suffer from

bipolar disorder; she has sought counseling a few times, but always discontinues

therapy because " she's not crazy, the therapist is " ), it is even harder for me

to maintain boundaries with her. She does not respond well to boundaries at

all, of course. She usually screams and rages, then convinces my family that

I'm mentally ill, that my fiance' is borderline abusive and not to be trusted,

and that we are both in dire need of serious psychological help.

>

> It's now come to the point that after trying to have a family wedding, we are

going away next month for a private ceremony with us and a few close friends. I

know this is going to really throw her over the edge. In the meantime, my

fiance' is encouraging me to go no contact with her until she agrees to seek

help. I've tried telling him help is not something she is going to accept

because she thinks she doesn't need any.

>

> I know he is right, that I need to go no contact with her for my and our sake

both. She is abusive and controlling, and always aggravates my own mental

health issues (anxiety and Adult ADD). As he said, if he treated me the way

that she treats me, we wouldn't be together and I would never tolerate anyone

else treating me or him the way she treats us collectively and separately. But

of course, I feel extreme guilt. This is impacted by the fact that when I have

attempted to go no contact with her in the past, my grandparents (her parents)

have responded with, " We know she has issues, but she is your mother. You can't

just cut her off. "

>

> I don't know what to do anymore. I welcome any advice you can give. Thank

you

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome. It really means a lot.

And Fiona, no offense taken. You described my nada perfectly. She is

high-functioning, so it's harder because so many people are easily fooled by

her. They may think she's a little nutty, but " she's such a nice person! "

What's also hard is that because she's high-functioning, when she's acting

" normal, " it's easy for me to let my guard down. I was never the " all-good " or

" all-bad " child consistently, and we were very unhealthily enmeshed when I was

growing up. My old therapist was working with me on separating my feelings and

realizing that I don't hate her, necessarily, but that I can't allow my love for

her overshadow the necessary boundaries.

I've heard of FOG, but haven't read Emotional Blackmail yet. I definitely will.

I know without a doubt I can't move back home or resume my role as emotional

caretaker.

My fiance is really kind-hearted and tries to " protect " me, which is why he

dislikes my nada so much. He has tried making amends with her, only to be shot

down after brief periods of peace. His own nada has undiagnosed mental issues

herself; long story, but he has been NC with her for almost a year now and has

had to cut ties with many other family members as a result. He has been really

good at reminding me when I start to pity my nada that mental illness is an

explanation, not an excuse for poor behavior.

I come from a tight-knit culture where family is supreme, so it's a learning

curve for me I guess. I really appreciate the support so far and look forward

to getting to know all of you better. I can see myself and my nada in so many

of these posts, it's scary.

Hugs,

M

> >

> > Hello there,

> >

> > I've known my mother is an undiagnosed BPD for a few years now, but I'm

finally seeking out group support as I search for a new therapist (new to the

area). It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with my mom, and

it's affecting my other relationships.

> >

> > I'm the only child of my mother, who has yet to move past my parents'

divorce 20 years ago. I've functioned as my mother's primary support - almost

as a parent to her - since I was a child, while the rest of my extended family

knew something was wrong with her, enabled her, and watched silently as she

abused me, mostly mental and emotional abuse, but some physical abuse as well.

> >

> > Last year, I decided to move out of state and away from my mother. Not just

to move away from her necessarily, but that was a motivating factor. My

therapist actually encouraged this for the sake of my impending marriage. She

said, " If you and your fiance's marriage is to work, you need to move to

(state). When your grandparents die, Alaska won't be far enough from your

mother. "

> >

> > While the physical distance has helped, I am still having difficulty dealing

with my mother. I want to go no/low contact with her, but I feel incredibly

guilty. And when my mother is acting appropriately (she may also suffer from

bipolar disorder; she has sought counseling a few times, but always discontinues

therapy because " she's not crazy, the therapist is " ), it is even harder for me

to maintain boundaries with her. She does not respond well to boundaries at

all, of course. She usually screams and rages, then convinces my family that

I'm mentally ill, that my fiance' is borderline abusive and not to be trusted,

and that we are both in dire need of serious psychological help.

> >

> > It's now come to the point that after trying to have a family wedding, we

are going away next month for a private ceremony with us and a few close

friends. I know this is going to really throw her over the edge. In the

meantime, my fiance' is encouraging me to go no contact with her until she

agrees to seek help. I've tried telling him help is not something she is going

to accept because she thinks she doesn't need any.

> >

> > I know he is right, that I need to go no contact with her for my and our

sake both. She is abusive and controlling, and always aggravates my own mental

health issues (anxiety and Adult ADD). As he said, if he treated me the way

that she treats me, we wouldn't be together and I would never tolerate anyone

else treating me or him the way she treats us collectively and separately. But

of course, I feel extreme guilt. This is impacted by the fact that when I have

attempted to go no contact with her in the past, my grandparents (her parents)

have responded with, " We know she has issues, but she is your mother. You can't

just cut her off. "

> >

> > I don't know what to do anymore. I welcome any advice you can give. Thank

you

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome. It really means a lot.

And Fiona, no offense taken. You described my nada perfectly. She is

high-functioning, so it's harder because so many people are easily fooled by

her. They may think she's a little nutty, but " she's such a nice person! "

What's also hard is that because she's high-functioning, when she's acting

" normal, " it's easy for me to let my guard down. I was never the " all-good " or

" all-bad " child consistently, and we were very unhealthily enmeshed when I was

growing up. My old therapist was working with me on separating my feelings and

realizing that I don't hate her, necessarily, but that I can't allow my love for

her overshadow the necessary boundaries.

I've heard of FOG, but haven't read Emotional Blackmail yet. I definitely will.

I know without a doubt I can't move back home or resume my role as emotional

caretaker.

My fiance is really kind-hearted and tries to " protect " me, which is why he

dislikes my nada so much. He has tried making amends with her, only to be shot

down after brief periods of peace. His own nada has undiagnosed mental issues

herself; long story, but he has been NC with her for almost a year now and has

had to cut ties with many other family members as a result. He has been really

good at reminding me when I start to pity my nada that mental illness is an

explanation, not an excuse for poor behavior.

I come from a tight-knit culture where family is supreme, so it's a learning

curve for me I guess. I really appreciate the support so far and look forward

to getting to know all of you better. I can see myself and my nada in so many

of these posts, it's scary.

Hugs,

M

> >

> > Hello there,

> >

> > I've known my mother is an undiagnosed BPD for a few years now, but I'm

finally seeking out group support as I search for a new therapist (new to the

area). It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with my mom, and

it's affecting my other relationships.

> >

> > I'm the only child of my mother, who has yet to move past my parents'

divorce 20 years ago. I've functioned as my mother's primary support - almost

as a parent to her - since I was a child, while the rest of my extended family

knew something was wrong with her, enabled her, and watched silently as she

abused me, mostly mental and emotional abuse, but some physical abuse as well.

> >

> > Last year, I decided to move out of state and away from my mother. Not just

to move away from her necessarily, but that was a motivating factor. My

therapist actually encouraged this for the sake of my impending marriage. She

said, " If you and your fiance's marriage is to work, you need to move to

(state). When your grandparents die, Alaska won't be far enough from your

mother. "

> >

> > While the physical distance has helped, I am still having difficulty dealing

with my mother. I want to go no/low contact with her, but I feel incredibly

guilty. And when my mother is acting appropriately (she may also suffer from

bipolar disorder; she has sought counseling a few times, but always discontinues

therapy because " she's not crazy, the therapist is " ), it is even harder for me

to maintain boundaries with her. She does not respond well to boundaries at

all, of course. She usually screams and rages, then convinces my family that

I'm mentally ill, that my fiance' is borderline abusive and not to be trusted,

and that we are both in dire need of serious psychological help.

> >

> > It's now come to the point that after trying to have a family wedding, we

are going away next month for a private ceremony with us and a few close

friends. I know this is going to really throw her over the edge. In the

meantime, my fiance' is encouraging me to go no contact with her until she

agrees to seek help. I've tried telling him help is not something she is going

to accept because she thinks she doesn't need any.

> >

> > I know he is right, that I need to go no contact with her for my and our

sake both. She is abusive and controlling, and always aggravates my own mental

health issues (anxiety and Adult ADD). As he said, if he treated me the way

that she treats me, we wouldn't be together and I would never tolerate anyone

else treating me or him the way she treats us collectively and separately. But

of course, I feel extreme guilt. This is impacted by the fact that when I have

attempted to go no contact with her in the past, my grandparents (her parents)

have responded with, " We know she has issues, but she is your mother. You can't

just cut her off. "

> >

> > I don't know what to do anymore. I welcome any advice you can give. Thank

you

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome. It really means a lot.

And Fiona, no offense taken. You described my nada perfectly. She is

high-functioning, so it's harder because so many people are easily fooled by

her. They may think she's a little nutty, but " she's such a nice person! "

What's also hard is that because she's high-functioning, when she's acting

" normal, " it's easy for me to let my guard down. I was never the " all-good " or

" all-bad " child consistently, and we were very unhealthily enmeshed when I was

growing up. My old therapist was working with me on separating my feelings and

realizing that I don't hate her, necessarily, but that I can't allow my love for

her overshadow the necessary boundaries.

I've heard of FOG, but haven't read Emotional Blackmail yet. I definitely will.

I know without a doubt I can't move back home or resume my role as emotional

caretaker.

My fiance is really kind-hearted and tries to " protect " me, which is why he

dislikes my nada so much. He has tried making amends with her, only to be shot

down after brief periods of peace. His own nada has undiagnosed mental issues

herself; long story, but he has been NC with her for almost a year now and has

had to cut ties with many other family members as a result. He has been really

good at reminding me when I start to pity my nada that mental illness is an

explanation, not an excuse for poor behavior.

I come from a tight-knit culture where family is supreme, so it's a learning

curve for me I guess. I really appreciate the support so far and look forward

to getting to know all of you better. I can see myself and my nada in so many

of these posts, it's scary.

Hugs,

M

> >

> > Hello there,

> >

> > I've known my mother is an undiagnosed BPD for a few years now, but I'm

finally seeking out group support as I search for a new therapist (new to the

area). It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with my mom, and

it's affecting my other relationships.

> >

> > I'm the only child of my mother, who has yet to move past my parents'

divorce 20 years ago. I've functioned as my mother's primary support - almost

as a parent to her - since I was a child, while the rest of my extended family

knew something was wrong with her, enabled her, and watched silently as she

abused me, mostly mental and emotional abuse, but some physical abuse as well.

> >

> > Last year, I decided to move out of state and away from my mother. Not just

to move away from her necessarily, but that was a motivating factor. My

therapist actually encouraged this for the sake of my impending marriage. She

said, " If you and your fiance's marriage is to work, you need to move to

(state). When your grandparents die, Alaska won't be far enough from your

mother. "

> >

> > While the physical distance has helped, I am still having difficulty dealing

with my mother. I want to go no/low contact with her, but I feel incredibly

guilty. And when my mother is acting appropriately (she may also suffer from

bipolar disorder; she has sought counseling a few times, but always discontinues

therapy because " she's not crazy, the therapist is " ), it is even harder for me

to maintain boundaries with her. She does not respond well to boundaries at

all, of course. She usually screams and rages, then convinces my family that

I'm mentally ill, that my fiance' is borderline abusive and not to be trusted,

and that we are both in dire need of serious psychological help.

> >

> > It's now come to the point that after trying to have a family wedding, we

are going away next month for a private ceremony with us and a few close

friends. I know this is going to really throw her over the edge. In the

meantime, my fiance' is encouraging me to go no contact with her until she

agrees to seek help. I've tried telling him help is not something she is going

to accept because she thinks she doesn't need any.

> >

> > I know he is right, that I need to go no contact with her for my and our

sake both. She is abusive and controlling, and always aggravates my own mental

health issues (anxiety and Adult ADD). As he said, if he treated me the way

that she treats me, we wouldn't be together and I would never tolerate anyone

else treating me or him the way she treats us collectively and separately. But

of course, I feel extreme guilt. This is impacted by the fact that when I have

attempted to go no contact with her in the past, my grandparents (her parents)

have responded with, " We know she has issues, but she is your mother. You can't

just cut her off. "

> >

> > I don't know what to do anymore. I welcome any advice you can give. Thank

you

> >

>