Nada wants stay in my place more time

[Guest guest]

I'm back here after almost 10 months. Last time you gave me advices of what to

do with nada duringmy wedding lunch party.

She arrived at the party place looking strange after an overdose of

tranquilizers ( I guess), wearing a long sleeve suit in a melting summer where

everyone was in summer dress. Thanks God nothing worst happened during the

party. I met her after 18 months that time. We live in opposite part of the

globe so it's hard

to travel for visitings. In my mind some mother who doesn't see the daughter

for 18months and in a ocasion of her marriage, would naturally behave kindly at

least inthe first few days but,when she got the chance to be only with me, she

started the FOG game and accusations. We spent 10 stressful days together and

even my in-laws had enough with her.

Nada said she was depressed cause I was going to travel so long and she was

afraid something bad would happen to me . As soon as I returned to the place I

live=she was fine again.

Now she needs to come to where I live because otherwise she will loose her

permanent residence visa( she used to live where Im now).

My husband can't stand her anymore and said he would tolerate max. 3 weeks with

her in our house. Mom asked me how long she could be in my house. I asked her

how long she would like too.

She replied: " the house is yours so you decide how long I can be there " .

Me: " ok, what about 3 weeks? "

She broken up in tears, screaming and crying " how a daughter would say only 3

weeks for her 74yo. Mother travelling from the other side of the world? I though

you would say 2,3 months, mom take a rest and stay at home " .

After that we had moments of calm alternated with more crying and screamings and

she even played that she felt sick and felt inthe floor as a good actress could

do. Right away I called her neighbour who lives next door and has her home key (

nada lives alone and only think to live with me).this neighbour is my hotline

salvation everytime mom has a crisis. I talked to the neighbour for 1:36sec

after my mom drops the phone with breath difficulties saying she was feeling

sick. This neighbour run to her house just to find her watering the plants inthe

garage ( what she was doing when I call mom). " Feel sick " and felt inthe floor

and wake up and water the plants within 5 min...

She's getting worst,she stopped her medicines a month or so ago.

She begs me now to take care of her and allow to stay more time at my place. My

husband says no and I can imagine how stressful will be her stay here.

She had another crisis over the phone than I cut the phone and did not call her

back. She might be feeling I don't mind about her anymore as she usual feels.

I know I look like a child too but what should I do now?

Stick on 3 weeks at home: she will blame for not leave her stay more. If I let

her stay,my husband and I will be more stressed.

[Guest guest]

This sounds EXACTELY like my nada. I used to live in another country 12

hour-flight-away from our coutrny, and every year, it was the same tiring,

tragic, pitiful story. She is cardiopathic, she is in her 70's, she can't walk

very well, she misses her grandkids, etc. etc. And I came from a country where

family traditions, are very strong, and many, many elderly parents live with

their grown-up children; so, there is also the 'cultural/traditional'argument

(that really doesn't help KOs).

She wanted to come for at least a month, possibly two!

I learned to hold on to my boundaries. And my husband too cannot and will not

tolerate her in the house for more then a brief period of time. She is

all-consuming, very attention-seeking when she is around.

I told her three weeks was the absolutely maximum, take it or leave it. She

tried every possible FOG tactic to stay 'at least a month', but I was firm.

Remember, no matter what you do or don't, what you say or don't say, you can

never win with a BPD. They'll ask and want MORE, and MORE, and MMOOOOORE.

Even if you offered her to stay 2 months, she would ask for 3 months, and so on.

This always happened with my nada. You give her a finger, she wants your whole

arm. it is always a constant struggle: they want attention, they want control.

Just hold your ground. She'll complain, she'll cry, she'll make you feel guilty

no matter what. But at least you'll spare yourself and your husband a very

difficult and demanding period.

good luck

>

> I'm back here after almost 10 months. Last time you gave me advices of what to

do with nada duringmy wedding lunch party.

> She arrived at the party place looking strange after an overdose of

tranquilizers ( I guess), wearing a long sleeve suit in a melting summer where

everyone was in summer dress. Thanks God nothing worst happened during the

party. I met her after 18 months that time. We live in opposite part of the

globe so it's hard

> to travel for visitings.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I'm encouraging you to give yourself permission to maintain firm boundaries with

your nada. Your nada is making an inappropriate demand, in my opinion, by

insisting on a 3-month (!!) stay in your home when you have generously offered

three weeks. Your husband's needs and wishes should (in my opinion, anyway)

carry more weight with you; he'll respect you and appreciate you more if you can

" pull on your big-girl panties " and deal with your mother/nada as an adult

would.

Perhaps try a little negotiating trick: say something like, " We've reconsidered

and really three weeks is too long, mother. We'd love to have you come visit us

for a week, though. " Your nada will probably explode with rage and histrionics,

but it might make her amenable to your original three-week offer.

I also suggest that you set her up at a nearby hotel instead of in your home, if

that's at all affordable. Or, you and your husband can go spend the two (or

three?) weekends at a nearby hotel to give yourselves a break, and only see your

mother during the weekdays.

If you're feeling guilty, please don't. That is misplaced guilt.

Your nada is behaving inappropriately.

-Annie

>

> I'm back here after almost 10 months. Last time you gave me advices of what to

do with nada duringmy wedding lunch party.

> She arrived at the party place looking strange after an overdose of

tranquilizers ( I guess), wearing a long sleeve suit in a melting summer where

everyone was in summer dress. Thanks God nothing worst happened during the

party. I met her after 18 months that time. We live in opposite part of the

globe so it's hard

> to travel for visitings. In my mind some mother who doesn't see the daughter

for 18months and in a ocasion of her marriage, would naturally behave kindly at

least inthe first few days but,when she got the chance to be only with me, she

started the FOG game and accusations. We spent 10 stressful days together and

even my in-laws had enough with her.

> Nada said she was depressed cause I was going to travel so long and she was

afraid something bad would happen to me . As soon as I returned to the place I

live=she was fine again.

> Now she needs to come to where I live because otherwise she will loose her

permanent residence visa( she used to live where Im now).

> My husband can't stand her anymore and said he would tolerate max. 3 weeks

with her in our house. Mom asked me how long she could be in my house. I asked

her how long she would like too.

> She replied: " the house is yours so you decide how long I can be there " .

> Me: " ok, what about 3 weeks? "

> She broken up in tears, screaming and crying " how a daughter would say only 3

weeks for her 74yo. Mother travelling from the other side of the world? I though

you would say 2,3 months, mom take a rest and stay at home " .

> After that we had moments of calm alternated with more crying and screamings

and she even played that she felt sick and felt inthe floor as a good actress

could do. Right away I called her neighbour who lives next door and has her home

key ( nada lives alone and only think to live with me).this neighbour is my

hotline salvation everytime mom has a crisis. I talked to the neighbour for

1:36sec after my mom drops the phone with breath difficulties saying she was

feeling sick. This neighbour run to her house just to find her watering the

plants inthe garage ( what she was doing when I call mom). " Feel sick " and felt

inthe floor and wake up and water the plants within 5 min...

> She's getting worst,she stopped her medicines a month or so ago.

> She begs me now to take care of her and allow to stay more time at my place.

My husband says no and I can imagine how stressful will be her stay here.

> She had another crisis over the phone than I cut the phone and did not call

her back. She might be feeling I don't mind about her anymore as she usual

feels.

> I know I look like a child too but what should I do now?

> Stick on 3 weeks at home: she will blame for not leave her stay more. If I let

her stay,my husband and I will be more stressed.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I'm encouraging you to give yourself permission to maintain firm boundaries with

your nada. Your nada is making an inappropriate demand, in my opinion, by

insisting on a 3-month (!!) stay in your home when you have generously offered

three weeks. Your husband's needs and wishes should (in my opinion, anyway)

carry more weight with you; he'll respect you and appreciate you more if you can

" pull on your big-girl panties " and deal with your mother/nada as an adult

would.

Perhaps try a little negotiating trick: say something like, " We've reconsidered

and really three weeks is too long, mother. We'd love to have you come visit us

for a week, though. " Your nada will probably explode with rage and histrionics,

but it might make her amenable to your original three-week offer.

I also suggest that you set her up at a nearby hotel instead of in your home, if

that's at all affordable. Or, you and your husband can go spend the two (or

three?) weekends at a nearby hotel to give yourselves a break, and only see your

mother during the weekdays.

If you're feeling guilty, please don't. That is misplaced guilt.

Your nada is behaving inappropriately.

-Annie

>

> I'm back here after almost 10 months. Last time you gave me advices of what to

do with nada duringmy wedding lunch party.

> She arrived at the party place looking strange after an overdose of

tranquilizers ( I guess), wearing a long sleeve suit in a melting summer where

everyone was in summer dress. Thanks God nothing worst happened during the

party. I met her after 18 months that time. We live in opposite part of the

globe so it's hard

> to travel for visitings. In my mind some mother who doesn't see the daughter

for 18months and in a ocasion of her marriage, would naturally behave kindly at

least inthe first few days but,when she got the chance to be only with me, she

started the FOG game and accusations. We spent 10 stressful days together and

even my in-laws had enough with her.

> Nada said she was depressed cause I was going to travel so long and she was

afraid something bad would happen to me . As soon as I returned to the place I

live=she was fine again.

> Now she needs to come to where I live because otherwise she will loose her

permanent residence visa( she used to live where Im now).

> My husband can't stand her anymore and said he would tolerate max. 3 weeks

with her in our house. Mom asked me how long she could be in my house. I asked

her how long she would like too.

> She replied: " the house is yours so you decide how long I can be there " .

> Me: " ok, what about 3 weeks? "

> She broken up in tears, screaming and crying " how a daughter would say only 3

weeks for her 74yo. Mother travelling from the other side of the world? I though

you would say 2,3 months, mom take a rest and stay at home " .

> After that we had moments of calm alternated with more crying and screamings

and she even played that she felt sick and felt inthe floor as a good actress

could do. Right away I called her neighbour who lives next door and has her home

key ( nada lives alone and only think to live with me).this neighbour is my

hotline salvation everytime mom has a crisis. I talked to the neighbour for

1:36sec after my mom drops the phone with breath difficulties saying she was

feeling sick. This neighbour run to her house just to find her watering the

plants inthe garage ( what she was doing when I call mom). " Feel sick " and felt

inthe floor and wake up and water the plants within 5 min...

> She's getting worst,she stopped her medicines a month or so ago.

> She begs me now to take care of her and allow to stay more time at my place.

My husband says no and I can imagine how stressful will be her stay here.

> She had another crisis over the phone than I cut the phone and did not call

her back. She might be feeling I don't mind about her anymore as she usual

feels.

> I know I look like a child too but what should I do now?

> Stick on 3 weeks at home: she will blame for not leave her stay more. If I let

her stay,my husband and I will be more stressed.

>

[Guest guest]

I second that suggestion. You really don't owe your mother any explanation at

all; " We'd love to have you for three weeks, mother " and repeating " It won't

work for us to have you longer than three weeks " (or whatever amount of time you

choose) in a firm but calm and neutral way when she protests, is great. And if

your mother becomes histrionic (dramatically weeping, yelling, screaming,

raging, etc.) in an attempt to manipulate your feelings or make you feel guilty,

then its " I'm going to hang up now; talk to you later. "

Your mother is not behaving in a loving way; its more of a needy, demanding,

self-righteous way, as though you owe her. She feels entitled to do this to

you, entitled and justified to demand that you cater to her wishes. She doesn't

care if its inconvenient and intrusive and inappropriate to demand this of you

and your husband, your feelings don't matter.

That's not a loving, motherly behavior.

We adult children of the personality-disordered have been trained from birth to

feel responsible for our mother's (or father's) feelings and well-being, but

that was very inappropriate for our parents to do that to us. So when you can

distance yourself emotionally and shed the inappropriate feeling of

responsibility and misplaced guilt, it will be easier to take a firm stand and

protect yourself.

That's my two cents, to take or leave as it suits you.

-Annie

> > >> >

> > >> > I'm back here after almost 10 months. Last time you gave me advices of

> > what to do with nada duringmy wedding lunch party.

> > >> > She arrived at the party place looking strange after an overdose of

> > tranquilizers ( I guess), wearing a long sleeve suit in a melting summer

> > where everyone was in summer dress. Thanks God nothing worst happened during

> > the party. I met her after 18 months that time. We live in opposite part of

> > the globe so it's hard

> > >> > to travel for visitings. In my mind some mother who doesn't see the

> > daughter for 18months and in a ocasion of her marriage, would naturally

> > behave kindly at least inthe first few days but,when she got the chance to

> > be only with me, she started the FOG game and accusations. We spent 10

> > stressful days together and even my in-laws had enough with her.

> > >> > Nada said she was depressed cause I was going to travel so long and

> > she was afraid something bad would happen to me . As soon as I returned to

> > the place I live=she was fine again.

> > >> > Now she needs to come to where I live because otherwise she will loose

> > her permanent residence visa( she used to live where Im now).

> > >> > My husband can't stand her anymore and said he would tolerate max. 3

> > weeks with her in our house. Mom asked me how long she could be in my house.

> > I asked her how long she would like too.

> > >> > She replied: " the house is yours so you decide how long I can be

> > there " .

> > >> > Me: " ok, what about 3 weeks? "

> > >> > She broken up in tears, screaming and crying " how a daughter would

> > say only 3 weeks for her 74yo. Mother travelling from the other side of the

> > world? I though you would say 2,3 months, mom take a rest and stay at home " .

> > >> > After that we had moments of calm alternated with more crying and

> > screamings and she even played that she felt sick and felt inthe floor as a

> > good actress could do. Right away I called her neighbour who lives next door

> > and has her home key ( nada lives alone and only think to live with me).this

> > neighbour is my hotline salvation everytime mom has a crisis. I talked to

> > the neighbour for 1:36sec after my mom drops the phone with breath

> > difficulties saying she was feeling sick. This neighbour run to her house

> > just to find her watering the plants inthe garage ( what she was doing when

> > I call mom). " Feel sick " and felt inthe floor and wake up and water the

> > plants within 5 min...

> > >> > She's getting worst,she stopped her medicines a month or so ago.

> > >> > She begs me now to take care of her and allow to stay more time at my

> > place. My husband says no and I can imagine how stressful will be her stay

> > here.

> > >> > She had another crisis over the phone than I cut the phone and did not

> > call her back. She might be feeling I don't mind about her anymore as she

> > usual feels.

> > >> > I know I look like a child too but what should I do now?

> > >> > Stick on 3 weeks at home: she will blame for not leave her stay more.

> > If I let her stay,my husband and I will be more stressed.

> > >> >

> > >>

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I second that suggestion. You really don't owe your mother any explanation at

all; " We'd love to have you for three weeks, mother " and repeating " It won't

work for us to have you longer than three weeks " (or whatever amount of time you

choose) in a firm but calm and neutral way when she protests, is great. And if

your mother becomes histrionic (dramatically weeping, yelling, screaming,

raging, etc.) in an attempt to manipulate your feelings or make you feel guilty,

then its " I'm going to hang up now; talk to you later. "

Your mother is not behaving in a loving way; its more of a needy, demanding,

self-righteous way, as though you owe her. She feels entitled to do this to

you, entitled and justified to demand that you cater to her wishes. She doesn't

care if its inconvenient and intrusive and inappropriate to demand this of you

and your husband, your feelings don't matter.

That's not a loving, motherly behavior.

We adult children of the personality-disordered have been trained from birth to

feel responsible for our mother's (or father's) feelings and well-being, but

that was very inappropriate for our parents to do that to us. So when you can

distance yourself emotionally and shed the inappropriate feeling of

responsibility and misplaced guilt, it will be easier to take a firm stand and

protect yourself.

That's my two cents, to take or leave as it suits you.

-Annie

> > >> >

> > >> > I'm back here after almost 10 months. Last time you gave me advices of

> > what to do with nada duringmy wedding lunch party.

> > >> > She arrived at the party place looking strange after an overdose of

> > tranquilizers ( I guess), wearing a long sleeve suit in a melting summer

> > where everyone was in summer dress. Thanks God nothing worst happened during

> > the party. I met her after 18 months that time. We live in opposite part of

> > the globe so it's hard

> > >> > to travel for visitings. In my mind some mother who doesn't see the

> > daughter for 18months and in a ocasion of her marriage, would naturally

> > behave kindly at least inthe first few days but,when she got the chance to

> > be only with me, she started the FOG game and accusations. We spent 10

> > stressful days together and even my in-laws had enough with her.

> > >> > Nada said she was depressed cause I was going to travel so long and

> > she was afraid something bad would happen to me . As soon as I returned to

> > the place I live=she was fine again.

> > >> > Now she needs to come to where I live because otherwise she will loose

> > her permanent residence visa( she used to live where Im now).

> > >> > My husband can't stand her anymore and said he would tolerate max. 3

> > weeks with her in our house. Mom asked me how long she could be in my house.

> > I asked her how long she would like too.

> > >> > She replied: " the house is yours so you decide how long I can be

> > there " .

> > >> > Me: " ok, what about 3 weeks? "

> > >> > She broken up in tears, screaming and crying " how a daughter would

> > say only 3 weeks for her 74yo. Mother travelling from the other side of the

> > world? I though you would say 2,3 months, mom take a rest and stay at home " .

> > >> > After that we had moments of calm alternated with more crying and

> > screamings and she even played that she felt sick and felt inthe floor as a

> > good actress could do. Right away I called her neighbour who lives next door

> > and has her home key ( nada lives alone and only think to live with me).this

> > neighbour is my hotline salvation everytime mom has a crisis. I talked to

> > the neighbour for 1:36sec after my mom drops the phone with breath

> > difficulties saying she was feeling sick. This neighbour run to her house

> > just to find her watering the plants inthe garage ( what she was doing when

> > I call mom). " Feel sick " and felt inthe floor and wake up and water the

> > plants within 5 min...

> > >> > She's getting worst,she stopped her medicines a month or so ago.

> > >> > She begs me now to take care of her and allow to stay more time at my

> > place. My husband says no and I can imagine how stressful will be her stay

> > here.

> > >> > She had another crisis over the phone than I cut the phone and did not

> > call her back. She might be feeling I don't mind about her anymore as she

> > usual feels.

> > >> > I know I look like a child too but what should I do now?

> > >> > Stick on 3 weeks at home: she will blame for not leave her stay more.

> > If I let her stay,my husband and I will be more stressed.

> > >> >

> > >>

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>