Hello - new to the group.

[Guest guest]

Hello there,

I've known my mother is an undiagnosed BPD for a few years now, but I'm finally

seeking out group support as I search for a new therapist (new to the area). It

is becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with my mom, and it's

affecting my other relationships.

I'm the only child of my mother, who has yet to move past my parents' divorce 20

years ago. I've functioned as my mother's primary support - almost as a parent

to her - since I was a child, while the rest of my extended family knew

something was wrong with her, enabled her, and watched silently as she abused

me, mostly mental and emotional abuse, but some physical abuse as well.

Last year, I decided to move out of state and away from my mother. Not just to

move away from her necessarily, but that was a motivating factor. My therapist

actually encouraged this for the sake of my impending marriage. She said, " If

you and your fiance's marriage is to work, you need to move to (state). When

your grandparents die, Alaska won't be far enough from your mother. "

While the physical distance has helped, I am still having difficulty dealing

with my mother. I want to go no/low contact with her, but I feel incredibly

guilty. And when my mother is acting appropriately (she may also suffer from

bipolar disorder; she has sought counseling a few times, but always discontinues

therapy because " she's not crazy, the therapist is " ), it is even harder for me

to maintain boundaries with her. She does not respond well to boundaries at

all, of course. She usually screams and rages, then convinces my family that

I'm mentally ill, that my fiance' is borderline abusive and not to be trusted,

and that we are both in dire need of serious psychological help.

It's now come to the point that after trying to have a family wedding, we are

going away next month for a private ceremony with us and a few close friends. I

know this is going to really throw her over the edge. In the meantime, my

fiance' is encouraging me to go no contact with her until she agrees to seek

help. I've tried telling him help is not something she is going to accept

because she thinks she doesn't need any.

I know he is right, that I need to go no contact with her for my and our sake

both. She is abusive and controlling, and always aggravates my own mental

health issues (anxiety and Adult ADD). As he said, if he treated me the way

that she treats me, we wouldn't be together and I would never tolerate anyone

else treating me or him the way she treats us collectively and separately. But

of course, I feel extreme guilt. This is impacted by the fact that when I have

attempted to go no contact with her in the past, my grandparents (her parents)

have responded with, " We know she has issues, but she is your mother. You can't

just cut her off. "

I don't know what to do anymore. I welcome any advice you can give. Thank you