Re: I did it again / update

[Guest guest]

Joe,

Not getting sucked in is really hard. I wish I had something more

supportive to say. I try not to get involved with my FOO at all. There's

nothing I can do, and I just make myself miserable.

>

>

> I set myself up to fight a battle for my mother, saying everything to SIL

> that they were too cowardly to say themselves.

>

> The upshot is that SIL and my brother came back the very next day and are

> planning on fixing their house up and selling it, so they could be here for

> years. After that confrontation, I have somehow ended up being the bad guy,

> AS USUAL. I feel like an idiot.

>

> Does anyone else have this problem...being the one that stands up and calls

> b.s. on a situation when everyone else is just going along and pretending

> not to notice? And then having people who should be grateful to you for

> speaking the truth end up not only not caring but twisting things around and

> ostracizing you for not being willing to 'just go along' with things in a

> bullsh*t situation? Is this a thing in families with BPD people? i am so

> confuse

>

> I just went in there and talked to fada and he said some really nasty

> things to me and I am very hurt. He is twisting things like I am 'causing

> drama' when I confronted SIL about trashing my parents house and mistreating

> and neglecting her kids, hitting them too hard and not keeping them clean.

>

> Here is an example of what I mean: nada knows to the day when the last time

> the babies have had a bath. She told me the other day that the older one's

> last bath was a month ago. (I take him out and we play in a little pool in

> the back yard and he loves to play with the hose and run the water over his

> head so really doesn't 'look' dirty.) However, the younger one has fine hair

> that is oily and always looks greasy. Plus he stays in there with her and

> crawls around on the never vaccumed carpet, leaving his legs and feet

> covered with dirt, just from being inside/not outside. But last night SIL

> said right in front of nada that she'd 'like for matthew's hair to be

> cleaner but it just gets dirty too fast, even though she washes it all the

> time'. And Nada SAT THERE AND AGREED WITH HER AND HO-HUMMED ABOUT IT!

> Although she is constantly commenting on it and saying how long it's been

> since it's been washed, etc, etc, etc, to me behind SIL's back. So she let

> ME confront her though in all honesty she is the one that first brought it

> to my attention and harps about it constantly. So I feel like I got played

> for a chump by her again.

>

> I know I did the right thing confronting SIL about her stuff with the kids

> but I am so angry about the way things get twisted and misrepresented. And

> no one has my back. And they just...gah, I could go on and on and on. I

> mean, I stood up to her and almost took a punch in the face for these kids,

> and nobody so much as nods in my direction. Which is not why I did it, but I

> just do not understand these people.

>

> I love the kids and they are worth standing up for but everyone else in

> that house can literally drop dead at this point. I really put myself on the

> line, for nothing. CPS won't help me because this is a bpd distortion

> campaign against her painted black child, which they clearly don't 'get' or

> understand.

>

> SIL just went off and left both kids with my dad to go see a contracter,

> which she has been told explicitly NOT to do under any circumstances.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Joe - I wondered what happened to the original post - I'm not at all irritated

with you for seeking support or venting (although I'm ready to slap the living

sh#t out of your brother and parents for letting this drag on).

You asked if anybody else found themselves in the position of being demonized

when they stand up for what is obviously right or sane. Count me in. I can't

tell you how many times I've been told not to rock the boat, we just " accept "

the behavior of my husband's hideous family members. I have to wonder - if I'm

willing to put up stone walls to protect my husband and son from my Nada, why

won't he accept the necessity of some moderate boundaries to protect us from his

family's mess?

When his parents were alive, they were very disapproving of anything I said

about the niece and nephew (who were then in the process of dropping out of high

school, garnering police records for petty crimes, choosing alcoholic, violent

baby-daddies, etc.) I was told, time and again, " that's just the way they are. "

Um, no, they were teenagers, under the age of consent, and could easily have

been sent to military school, or a therapeutic environment for young offenders,

or Job Corps. They could have finished high school and would have been

prevented from procreating until they were older. But no, " they don't want to

do that... " - as if the kids were making sound decisions!

So while I was standing on the metaphorical beach, watching a slow hurricane of

dysfunction approach, the rest of the family was sunning themselves, pretending

it was all OK and shushing me. So now we have the fallout - and believe me,

this is not how you want your tax dollars spent. These two kids will never earn

a living wage, and the girl is now on her fourth pregnancy by three different

men (one of whom should be out of jail any time now - and the current baby daddy

is still married to somebody else - gee, what cold go wrong?) Her 4 children

are doomed to be raised by ignorant parents, dependent on government programs

for survival - and it's not because they became disabled, or lost jobs in the

recession. It's due to plain, low-down bad behavior and nonexistent parenting.

And I catch hell from my husband for insisting that my son have nothing to do

with them. Yeah, the family friction is MY fault.

Sigh.

[Guest guest]

Joe - I wondered what happened to the original post - I'm not at all irritated

with you for seeking support or venting (although I'm ready to slap the living

sh#t out of your brother and parents for letting this drag on).

You asked if anybody else found themselves in the position of being demonized

when they stand up for what is obviously right or sane. Count me in. I can't

tell you how many times I've been told not to rock the boat, we just " accept "

the behavior of my husband's hideous family members. I have to wonder - if I'm

willing to put up stone walls to protect my husband and son from my Nada, why

won't he accept the necessity of some moderate boundaries to protect us from his

family's mess?

When his parents were alive, they were very disapproving of anything I said

about the niece and nephew (who were then in the process of dropping out of high

school, garnering police records for petty crimes, choosing alcoholic, violent

baby-daddies, etc.) I was told, time and again, " that's just the way they are. "

Um, no, they were teenagers, under the age of consent, and could easily have

been sent to military school, or a therapeutic environment for young offenders,

or Job Corps. They could have finished high school and would have been

prevented from procreating until they were older. But no, " they don't want to

do that... " - as if the kids were making sound decisions!

So while I was standing on the metaphorical beach, watching a slow hurricane of

dysfunction approach, the rest of the family was sunning themselves, pretending

it was all OK and shushing me. So now we have the fallout - and believe me,

this is not how you want your tax dollars spent. These two kids will never earn

a living wage, and the girl is now on her fourth pregnancy by three different

men (one of whom should be out of jail any time now - and the current baby daddy

is still married to somebody else - gee, what cold go wrong?) Her 4 children

are doomed to be raised by ignorant parents, dependent on government programs

for survival - and it's not because they became disabled, or lost jobs in the

recession. It's due to plain, low-down bad behavior and nonexistent parenting.

And I catch hell from my husband for insisting that my son have nothing to do

with them. Yeah, the family friction is MY fault.

Sigh.

[Guest guest]

Joe - I wondered what happened to the original post - I'm not at all irritated

with you for seeking support or venting (although I'm ready to slap the living

sh#t out of your brother and parents for letting this drag on).

You asked if anybody else found themselves in the position of being demonized

when they stand up for what is obviously right or sane. Count me in. I can't

tell you how many times I've been told not to rock the boat, we just " accept "

the behavior of my husband's hideous family members. I have to wonder - if I'm

willing to put up stone walls to protect my husband and son from my Nada, why

won't he accept the necessity of some moderate boundaries to protect us from his

family's mess?

When his parents were alive, they were very disapproving of anything I said

about the niece and nephew (who were then in the process of dropping out of high

school, garnering police records for petty crimes, choosing alcoholic, violent

baby-daddies, etc.) I was told, time and again, " that's just the way they are. "

Um, no, they were teenagers, under the age of consent, and could easily have

been sent to military school, or a therapeutic environment for young offenders,

or Job Corps. They could have finished high school and would have been

prevented from procreating until they were older. But no, " they don't want to

do that... " - as if the kids were making sound decisions!

So while I was standing on the metaphorical beach, watching a slow hurricane of

dysfunction approach, the rest of the family was sunning themselves, pretending

it was all OK and shushing me. So now we have the fallout - and believe me,

this is not how you want your tax dollars spent. These two kids will never earn

a living wage, and the girl is now on her fourth pregnancy by three different

men (one of whom should be out of jail any time now - and the current baby daddy

is still married to somebody else - gee, what cold go wrong?) Her 4 children

are doomed to be raised by ignorant parents, dependent on government programs

for survival - and it's not because they became disabled, or lost jobs in the

recession. It's due to plain, low-down bad behavior and nonexistent parenting.

And I catch hell from my husband for insisting that my son have nothing to do

with them. Yeah, the family friction is MY fault.

Sigh.

[Guest guest]

There is only one upside to all this, and that is that those two very small

children will have you (and your mom) for a couple of years to actually care for

them and give them some positive attention/mirroring, emotional nurturing and

real mothering. I read a recent article that said that a child's personality is

pretty much entirely formed by age 6, so the more exposure to normal, caring,

mentally healthy adults these kids have, the better. That's the bottom line (as

far as I'm concerned): its all about the children, now. I suppose its also an

upside that you're now under no illusions about what your parents really think

and how they behave, they've made that pretty clear: they're both dishrags.

You are to be commended for wanting to help these kids, most people just turn

the other way and say " Its not my business. "

-Annie

>

>

> thanks for the response. i deleted that post because I feel like I am getting

on everyone's nerves with this drama.

>

> SIL came back a day later. she's asked if they can stay until they get their

house sold. it needs alot of repairs before being put on the market so that

could be a couple of years.

>

> it's the best situation for the two year old but it would have been a perfect

oppty for fada/nada to lay down some conditions like: clean, keep the kids

bathed and clean regularly/no more expecting babysitting all day long/ and no

more threatening anyone in this house.

>

> instead they just said 'sure no prob' and fada is acting like *I* am the bad

guy and scapegoat, and he has been buddy-buddy with wos all day for the past

couple days. it's pretty much unforgiveable. I am just detached and trying to

stay detached.