Re: Divorcing your BPD parent - have you done it?

[Guest guest]

Yes, I've done it. I didn't send a big announcement. I Just Stopped Talking,

Visiting, Making appointments to see her, speaking to her on the phone. She

sent me a few passive aggressively horrifying letters with checks enclosed

(this became trash), sent my dad to talk to me, and turned my brother

against me (well, I think he has always been against me, but more against me

if thats possible).

And I think its the best thing I ever did in my entire lifetime.

>

>

> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> talk to her on the phone.

>

> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

> slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

> stories?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I've done it. I didn't send a big announcement. I Just Stopped Talking,

Visiting, Making appointments to see her, speaking to her on the phone. She

sent me a few passive aggressively horrifying letters with checks enclosed

(this became trash), sent my dad to talk to me, and turned my brother

against me (well, I think he has always been against me, but more against me

if thats possible).

And I think its the best thing I ever did in my entire lifetime.

>

>

> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> talk to her on the phone.

>

> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

> slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

> stories?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I've done it. I didn't send a big announcement. I Just Stopped Talking,

Visiting, Making appointments to see her, speaking to her on the phone. She

sent me a few passive aggressively horrifying letters with checks enclosed

(this became trash), sent my dad to talk to me, and turned my brother

against me (well, I think he has always been against me, but more against me

if thats possible).

And I think its the best thing I ever did in my entire lifetime.

>

>

> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> talk to her on the phone.

>

> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

> slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

> stories?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

If the goal is to disengage, then writing a letter stating your boundaries and

reasons for the boundaries is only going to cause you to have *more* unpleasant

contact with your nada and more futile, stressful and unwanted engagement with

her.

If your mother is bpd, she won't agree to you setting any boundaries, she won't

accept your reasons for creating the boundaries and will only argue with you

about them, denigrate you, turn the issue around to be you that has all the

problems and she may even escalate her attempts at contact.

Writing the letter is a good exercise for *you*, to get your needs and wishes

down on paper and clearly organized in your own mind, but I wouldn't actually

send the letter.

Just start following through on your disengagement. Such as, don't answer the

phone every time she calls. After a minute or two of a call, you have to go.

" I've got to go now, mom. I'm hanging up now, talk to you later, bye. " Cut

back on personal interactions. You are under no obligation to explain anything

or get her to understand or agree to it.

If pressured, you might say something like, " I need more quiet, alone time to

work on some things. Thanks for understanding. "

Telling your mother what's wrong with her and that she needs to change and has

to respect your rules is just kind of pointless. It will make things worse for

you. She won't or can't change; all you can do is change how you deal with her,

and its not necessary to get her to agree to it or even understand it.

That's my advice, anyway, to take or leave. Each person has to figure out for

herself what will work, and what she can and can't tolerate. Best of luck to

you; none of this is easy.

-Annie

>

> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

>

> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

>

[Guest guest]

If the goal is to disengage, then writing a letter stating your boundaries and

reasons for the boundaries is only going to cause you to have *more* unpleasant

contact with your nada and more futile, stressful and unwanted engagement with

her.

If your mother is bpd, she won't agree to you setting any boundaries, she won't

accept your reasons for creating the boundaries and will only argue with you

about them, denigrate you, turn the issue around to be you that has all the

problems and she may even escalate her attempts at contact.

Writing the letter is a good exercise for *you*, to get your needs and wishes

down on paper and clearly organized in your own mind, but I wouldn't actually

send the letter.

Just start following through on your disengagement. Such as, don't answer the

phone every time she calls. After a minute or two of a call, you have to go.

" I've got to go now, mom. I'm hanging up now, talk to you later, bye. " Cut

back on personal interactions. You are under no obligation to explain anything

or get her to understand or agree to it.

If pressured, you might say something like, " I need more quiet, alone time to

work on some things. Thanks for understanding. "

Telling your mother what's wrong with her and that she needs to change and has

to respect your rules is just kind of pointless. It will make things worse for

you. She won't or can't change; all you can do is change how you deal with her,

and its not necessary to get her to agree to it or even understand it.

That's my advice, anyway, to take or leave. Each person has to figure out for

herself what will work, and what she can and can't tolerate. Best of luck to

you; none of this is easy.

-Annie

>

> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

>

> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

>

[Guest guest]

If the goal is to disengage, then writing a letter stating your boundaries and

reasons for the boundaries is only going to cause you to have *more* unpleasant

contact with your nada and more futile, stressful and unwanted engagement with

her.

If your mother is bpd, she won't agree to you setting any boundaries, she won't

accept your reasons for creating the boundaries and will only argue with you

about them, denigrate you, turn the issue around to be you that has all the

problems and she may even escalate her attempts at contact.

Writing the letter is a good exercise for *you*, to get your needs and wishes

down on paper and clearly organized in your own mind, but I wouldn't actually

send the letter.

Just start following through on your disengagement. Such as, don't answer the

phone every time she calls. After a minute or two of a call, you have to go.

" I've got to go now, mom. I'm hanging up now, talk to you later, bye. " Cut

back on personal interactions. You are under no obligation to explain anything

or get her to understand or agree to it.

If pressured, you might say something like, " I need more quiet, alone time to

work on some things. Thanks for understanding. "

Telling your mother what's wrong with her and that she needs to change and has

to respect your rules is just kind of pointless. It will make things worse for

you. She won't or can't change; all you can do is change how you deal with her,

and its not necessary to get her to agree to it or even understand it.

That's my advice, anyway, to take or leave. Each person has to figure out for

herself what will work, and what she can and can't tolerate. Best of luck to

you; none of this is easy.

-Annie

>

> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

>

> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

>

[Guest guest]

I completely agree with Annie, they're like teenagers, pushing boundaries. She

just won't *get* it. It will cause MANY more problems and drama in the end.

There really is no point in attempting to reason, or explain, because again,

they won't *GET* it. It's like there is a disconnect going on there within their

reality. They don't even sense that we are individuals, just an extension of

themselves.

In my experience there simply is no autonomy from the BPD person. It's complete

ownership or nothing.

I went with nothing for my own sanity - actually it was having my first child

that propelled me to take action against my NADA.

If it makes you feel better, you could write the letter and trash it, then just

carry on as if she received it and is attempting to follow it. You never know,

it may work better than actually giving it to her.

> >

> > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

> >

> > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I completely agree with Annie, they're like teenagers, pushing boundaries. She

just won't *get* it. It will cause MANY more problems and drama in the end.

There really is no point in attempting to reason, or explain, because again,

they won't *GET* it. It's like there is a disconnect going on there within their

reality. They don't even sense that we are individuals, just an extension of

themselves.

In my experience there simply is no autonomy from the BPD person. It's complete

ownership or nothing.

I went with nothing for my own sanity - actually it was having my first child

that propelled me to take action against my NADA.

If it makes you feel better, you could write the letter and trash it, then just

carry on as if she received it and is attempting to follow it. You never know,

it may work better than actually giving it to her.

> >

> > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

> >

> > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I completely agree with Annie, they're like teenagers, pushing boundaries. She

just won't *get* it. It will cause MANY more problems and drama in the end.

There really is no point in attempting to reason, or explain, because again,

they won't *GET* it. It's like there is a disconnect going on there within their

reality. They don't even sense that we are individuals, just an extension of

themselves.

In my experience there simply is no autonomy from the BPD person. It's complete

ownership or nothing.

I went with nothing for my own sanity - actually it was having my first child

that propelled me to take action against my NADA.

If it makes you feel better, you could write the letter and trash it, then just

carry on as if she received it and is attempting to follow it. You never know,

it may work better than actually giving it to her.

> >

> > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

> >

> > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah agree. Telling her your boundaries just gives her material for a

distortion campaign. I'd just enforce the boundaries. you don't explain to a

3 year old your boundaries, you just say No.

>

>

>

> I completely agree with Annie, they're like teenagers, pushing boundaries.

> She just won't *get* it. It will cause MANY more problems and drama in the

> end. There really is no point in attempting to reason, or explain, because

> again, they won't *GET* it. It's like there is a disconnect going on there

> within their reality. They don't even sense that we are individuals, just an

> extension of themselves.

>

> In my experience there simply is no autonomy from the BPD person. It's

> complete ownership or nothing.

>

> I went with nothing for my own sanity - actually it was having my first

> child that propelled me to take action against my NADA.

>

> If it makes you feel better, you could write the letter and trash it, then

> just carry on as if she received it and is attempting to follow it. You

> never know, it may work better than actually giving it to her.

>

>

> > >

> > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> talk to her on the phone.

> > >

> > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

> stories?

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah agree. Telling her your boundaries just gives her material for a

distortion campaign. I'd just enforce the boundaries. you don't explain to a

3 year old your boundaries, you just say No.

>

>

>

> I completely agree with Annie, they're like teenagers, pushing boundaries.

> She just won't *get* it. It will cause MANY more problems and drama in the

> end. There really is no point in attempting to reason, or explain, because

> again, they won't *GET* it. It's like there is a disconnect going on there

> within their reality. They don't even sense that we are individuals, just an

> extension of themselves.

>

> In my experience there simply is no autonomy from the BPD person. It's

> complete ownership or nothing.

>

> I went with nothing for my own sanity - actually it was having my first

> child that propelled me to take action against my NADA.

>

> If it makes you feel better, you could write the letter and trash it, then

> just carry on as if she received it and is attempting to follow it. You

> never know, it may work better than actually giving it to her.

>

>

> > >

> > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> talk to her on the phone.

> > >

> > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

> stories?

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah agree. Telling her your boundaries just gives her material for a

distortion campaign. I'd just enforce the boundaries. you don't explain to a

3 year old your boundaries, you just say No.

>

>

>

> I completely agree with Annie, they're like teenagers, pushing boundaries.

> She just won't *get* it. It will cause MANY more problems and drama in the

> end. There really is no point in attempting to reason, or explain, because

> again, they won't *GET* it. It's like there is a disconnect going on there

> within their reality. They don't even sense that we are individuals, just an

> extension of themselves.

>

> In my experience there simply is no autonomy from the BPD person. It's

> complete ownership or nothing.

>

> I went with nothing for my own sanity - actually it was having my first

> child that propelled me to take action against my NADA.

>

> If it makes you feel better, you could write the letter and trash it, then

> just carry on as if she received it and is attempting to follow it. You

> never know, it may work better than actually giving it to her.

>

>

> > >

> > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> talk to her on the phone.

> > >

> > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

> stories?

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I concur. Talking to my BPD mom about her treatment of me is like spitting into

the wind. Pointless, and bound to wind up back in my face. However, I also

agree that writing the letter - for your own use - is a legitimate exercise. It

will help to clarify your thought process, your plans, and your reasons for

taking this action. In addition, it will be the basis for a " script " you'll

need when talking to your family members, Nada's caregivers, and other members

of the community who will insist that " she's your MUH-ther, you have to LOVE

her. " Working through this and having a " prepared statement " ready in advance

will help you to withstand these well-meaning folks.

Now that my mom's mental illness and physical health issues are becoming evident

to everyone around her, I'm having these conversations with a LOT of people.

Rather than explain why " I don't want to take care of my mom " and feeling like a

jerk, I just recite the script and invite them to look up BPD behaviors and see

if they recognize her in the DSM-IV list. It saves a lot of time, and at least

the professionals seem to take me seriously.

So I'd say go ahead and write this stuff down, but use it for your own purposes.

> > > >

> > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> > therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> > boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> > don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> > endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> > talk to her on the phone.

> > > >

> > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> > to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

> > stories?

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I concur. Talking to my BPD mom about her treatment of me is like spitting into

the wind. Pointless, and bound to wind up back in my face. However, I also

agree that writing the letter - for your own use - is a legitimate exercise. It

will help to clarify your thought process, your plans, and your reasons for

taking this action. In addition, it will be the basis for a " script " you'll

need when talking to your family members, Nada's caregivers, and other members

of the community who will insist that " she's your MUH-ther, you have to LOVE

her. " Working through this and having a " prepared statement " ready in advance

will help you to withstand these well-meaning folks.

Now that my mom's mental illness and physical health issues are becoming evident

to everyone around her, I'm having these conversations with a LOT of people.

Rather than explain why " I don't want to take care of my mom " and feeling like a

jerk, I just recite the script and invite them to look up BPD behaviors and see

if they recognize her in the DSM-IV list. It saves a lot of time, and at least

the professionals seem to take me seriously.

So I'd say go ahead and write this stuff down, but use it for your own purposes.

> > > >

> > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> > therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> > boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> > don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> > endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> > talk to her on the phone.

> > > >

> > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> > to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

> > stories?

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I concur. Talking to my BPD mom about her treatment of me is like spitting into

the wind. Pointless, and bound to wind up back in my face. However, I also

agree that writing the letter - for your own use - is a legitimate exercise. It

will help to clarify your thought process, your plans, and your reasons for

taking this action. In addition, it will be the basis for a " script " you'll

need when talking to your family members, Nada's caregivers, and other members

of the community who will insist that " she's your MUH-ther, you have to LOVE

her. " Working through this and having a " prepared statement " ready in advance

will help you to withstand these well-meaning folks.

Now that my mom's mental illness and physical health issues are becoming evident

to everyone around her, I'm having these conversations with a LOT of people.

Rather than explain why " I don't want to take care of my mom " and feeling like a

jerk, I just recite the script and invite them to look up BPD behaviors and see

if they recognize her in the DSM-IV list. It saves a lot of time, and at least

the professionals seem to take me seriously.

So I'd say go ahead and write this stuff down, but use it for your own purposes.

> > > >

> > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> > therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> > boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> > don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> > endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> > talk to her on the phone.

> > > >

> > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> > to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

> > stories?

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I made the mistake of telling mine about setting boundaries 2 years ago

and it has only been distorted. Now I just do it, and give her as little

info as possible, in order to protect myself. It's sad, we want to be

frank and honest, but honestly it isn't worth it.

Girlscout Cowboy a écrit :

> Yeah agree. Telling her your boundaries just gives her material for a

> distortion campaign. I'd just enforce the boundaries. you don't explain to a

> 3 year old your boundaries, you just say No.

>

>

>

>

>>

>> I completely agree with Annie, they're like teenagers, pushing boundaries.

>> She just won't *get* it. It will cause MANY more problems and drama in the

>> end. There really is no point in attempting to reason, or explain, because

>> again, they won't *GET* it. It's like there is a disconnect going on there

>> within their reality. They don't even sense that we are individuals, just an

>> extension of themselves.

>>

>> In my experience there simply is no autonomy from the BPD person. It's

>> complete ownership or nothing.

>>

>> I went with nothing for my own sanity - actually it was having my first

>> child that propelled me to take action against my NADA.

>>

>> If it makes you feel better, you could write the letter and trash it, then

>> just carry on as if she received it and is attempting to follow it. You

>> never know, it may work better than actually giving it to her.

>>

>>

>>

>>>> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

>>>>

>> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

>> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

>> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

>> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

>> talk to her on the phone.

>>

>>>> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

>>>>

>> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

>> stories?

>>

>>

>>

>>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I made the mistake of telling mine about setting boundaries 2 years ago

and it has only been distorted. Now I just do it, and give her as little

info as possible, in order to protect myself. It's sad, we want to be

frank and honest, but honestly it isn't worth it.

Girlscout Cowboy a écrit :

> Yeah agree. Telling her your boundaries just gives her material for a

> distortion campaign. I'd just enforce the boundaries. you don't explain to a

> 3 year old your boundaries, you just say No.

>

>

>

>

>>

>> I completely agree with Annie, they're like teenagers, pushing boundaries.

>> She just won't *get* it. It will cause MANY more problems and drama in the

>> end. There really is no point in attempting to reason, or explain, because

>> again, they won't *GET* it. It's like there is a disconnect going on there

>> within their reality. They don't even sense that we are individuals, just an

>> extension of themselves.

>>

>> In my experience there simply is no autonomy from the BPD person. It's

>> complete ownership or nothing.

>>

>> I went with nothing for my own sanity - actually it was having my first

>> child that propelled me to take action against my NADA.

>>

>> If it makes you feel better, you could write the letter and trash it, then

>> just carry on as if she received it and is attempting to follow it. You

>> never know, it may work better than actually giving it to her.

>>

>>

>>

>>>> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

>>>>

>> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

>> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

>> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

>> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

>> talk to her on the phone.

>>

>>>> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

>>>>

>> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

>> stories?

>>

>>

>>

>>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I made the mistake of telling mine about setting boundaries 2 years ago

and it has only been distorted. Now I just do it, and give her as little

info as possible, in order to protect myself. It's sad, we want to be

frank and honest, but honestly it isn't worth it.

Girlscout Cowboy a écrit :

> Yeah agree. Telling her your boundaries just gives her material for a

> distortion campaign. I'd just enforce the boundaries. you don't explain to a

> 3 year old your boundaries, you just say No.

>

>

>

>

>>

>> I completely agree with Annie, they're like teenagers, pushing boundaries.

>> She just won't *get* it. It will cause MANY more problems and drama in the

>> end. There really is no point in attempting to reason, or explain, because

>> again, they won't *GET* it. It's like there is a disconnect going on there

>> within their reality. They don't even sense that we are individuals, just an

>> extension of themselves.

>>

>> In my experience there simply is no autonomy from the BPD person. It's

>> complete ownership or nothing.

>>

>> I went with nothing for my own sanity - actually it was having my first

>> child that propelled me to take action against my NADA.

>>

>> If it makes you feel better, you could write the letter and trash it, then

>> just carry on as if she received it and is attempting to follow it. You

>> never know, it may work better than actually giving it to her.

>>

>>

>>

>>>> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

>>>>

>> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

>> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

>> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

>> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

>> talk to her on the phone.

>>

>>>> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

>>>>

>> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

>> stories?

>>

>>

>>

>>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the response, Annie. Everyone's advice so far confirms what I fear

will happen... I won't send the letter.

How do you (or do you?) explain when she calls and asks " are you mad at me now

or something? "

I've been actively cutting her out of my life for the last 4-6 months and I know

she sees a big difference. I don't know how to explain (or if it's possible to

explain) to her that this is the way it's going to be from now on - that I'm

never going back to the way it was. I'm not going to be there when she whines

and complains. I'm not going to mediate for her or give her career advice. I

used to be very present in her life(available all the time to her).

I've told her that I've just been busy and used the wedding, my business and

other things as excuses to get her to shut up. I feel like I've run out of

excuses and I can't bring myself to say, " Sorry, I'm busy " anymore. Because I'm

not sorry but I don't have the guts to tell her that I don't want to talk to her

anymore.

Ugh. Help!

K

> >

> > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

> >

> > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the response, Annie. Everyone's advice so far confirms what I fear

will happen... I won't send the letter.

How do you (or do you?) explain when she calls and asks " are you mad at me now

or something? "

I've been actively cutting her out of my life for the last 4-6 months and I know

she sees a big difference. I don't know how to explain (or if it's possible to

explain) to her that this is the way it's going to be from now on - that I'm

never going back to the way it was. I'm not going to be there when she whines

and complains. I'm not going to mediate for her or give her career advice. I

used to be very present in her life(available all the time to her).

I've told her that I've just been busy and used the wedding, my business and

other things as excuses to get her to shut up. I feel like I've run out of

excuses and I can't bring myself to say, " Sorry, I'm busy " anymore. Because I'm

not sorry but I don't have the guts to tell her that I don't want to talk to her

anymore.

Ugh. Help!

K

> >

> > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

> >

> > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the response, Annie. Everyone's advice so far confirms what I fear

will happen... I won't send the letter.

How do you (or do you?) explain when she calls and asks " are you mad at me now

or something? "

I've been actively cutting her out of my life for the last 4-6 months and I know

she sees a big difference. I don't know how to explain (or if it's possible to

explain) to her that this is the way it's going to be from now on - that I'm

never going back to the way it was. I'm not going to be there when she whines

and complains. I'm not going to mediate for her or give her career advice. I

used to be very present in her life(available all the time to her).

I've told her that I've just been busy and used the wedding, my business and

other things as excuses to get her to shut up. I feel like I've run out of

excuses and I can't bring myself to say, " Sorry, I'm busy " anymore. Because I'm

not sorry but I don't have the guts to tell her that I don't want to talk to her

anymore.

Ugh. Help!

K

> >

> > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

> >

> > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

What do you say when she asks why you're not giving her information? What was

your relationship like before you set boundaries? Only if you're comfortable

sharing, of course.

Thanks,

K

> >>

> >>>> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> >>>>

> >> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> >> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but

I

> >> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> >> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to

even

> >> talk to her on the phone.

> >>

> >>>> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> >>>>

> >> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories?

Horror

> >> stories?

> >>

> >>

> >>

> >>

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

What do you say when she asks why you're not giving her information? What was

your relationship like before you set boundaries? Only if you're comfortable

sharing, of course.

Thanks,

K

> >>

> >>>> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> >>>>

> >> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> >> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but

I

> >> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> >> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to

even

> >> talk to her on the phone.

> >>

> >>>> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> >>>>

> >> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories?

Horror

> >> stories?

> >>

> >>

> >>

> >>

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

What do you say when she asks why you're not giving her information? What was

your relationship like before you set boundaries? Only if you're comfortable

sharing, of course.

Thanks,

K

> >>

> >>>> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> >>>>

> >> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> >> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but

I

> >> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> >> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to

even

> >> talk to her on the phone.

> >>

> >>>> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> >>>>

> >> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories?

Horror

> >> stories?

> >>

> >>

> >>

> >>

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

My nada has cancer and is on hospice now.  They want me to be very involved and

can't understand my mother has bpl.  They know she has it, but they think SHE

needs the support.  I told them I will have minimal contact as my health is not

good (my nada thinks I'm making it up for her attention.  I have a feeding tube

in me, she's rediculous).  I've tried talking to her and it doesn't help.  She

will be like this 'till she dies, and I'm left with the scars.  You need to

accept the fact that she is who she is and she can't help it.  I've been trying

to divorce her for years, but I get sucked back in.  I want the mother I never

had and now am working on trying to fix the little girl inside me who she

destroyed.  That's what my therapist says anyway.

Subject: Re: Divorcing your BPD parent - have you done it?

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Thursday, September 2, 2010, 1:17 PM

 

I concur. Talking to my BPD mom about her treatment of me is like spitting into

the wind. Pointless, and bound to wind up back in my face. However, I also agree

that writing the letter - for your own use - is a legitimate exercise. It will

help to clarify your thought process, your plans, and your reasons for taking

this action. In addition, it will be the basis for a " script " you'll need when

talking to your family members, Nada's caregivers, and other members of the

community who will insist that " she's your MUH-ther, you have to LOVE her. "

Working through this and having a " prepared statement " ready in advance will

help you to withstand these well-meaning folks.

Now that my mom's mental illness and physical health issues are becoming evident

to everyone around her, I'm having these conversations with a LOT of people.

Rather than explain why " I don't want to take care of my mom " and feeling like a

jerk, I just recite the script and invite them to look up BPD behaviors and see

if they recognize her in the DSM-IV list. It saves a lot of time, and at least

the professionals seem to take me seriously.

So I'd say go ahead and write this stuff down, but use it for your own purposes.

> > > >

> > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> > therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> > boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> > don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> > endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> > talk to her on the phone.

> > > >

> > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> > to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

> > stories?

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>