Re: Divorcing your BPD parent - have you done it?

[Guest guest]

My nada has cancer and is on hospice now.  They want me to be very involved and

can't understand my mother has bpl.  They know she has it, but they think SHE

needs the support.  I told them I will have minimal contact as my health is not

good (my nada thinks I'm making it up for her attention.  I have a feeding tube

in me, she's rediculous).  I've tried talking to her and it doesn't help.  She

will be like this 'till she dies, and I'm left with the scars.  You need to

accept the fact that she is who she is and she can't help it.  I've been trying

to divorce her for years, but I get sucked back in.  I want the mother I never

had and now am working on trying to fix the little girl inside me who she

destroyed.  That's what my therapist says anyway.

Subject: Re: Divorcing your BPD parent - have you done it?

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Thursday, September 2, 2010, 1:17 PM

 

I concur. Talking to my BPD mom about her treatment of me is like spitting into

the wind. Pointless, and bound to wind up back in my face. However, I also agree

that writing the letter - for your own use - is a legitimate exercise. It will

help to clarify your thought process, your plans, and your reasons for taking

this action. In addition, it will be the basis for a " script " you'll need when

talking to your family members, Nada's caregivers, and other members of the

community who will insist that " she's your MUH-ther, you have to LOVE her. "

Working through this and having a " prepared statement " ready in advance will

help you to withstand these well-meaning folks.

Now that my mom's mental illness and physical health issues are becoming evident

to everyone around her, I'm having these conversations with a LOT of people.

Rather than explain why " I don't want to take care of my mom " and feeling like a

jerk, I just recite the script and invite them to look up BPD behaviors and see

if they recognize her in the DSM-IV list. It saves a lot of time, and at least

the professionals seem to take me seriously.

So I'd say go ahead and write this stuff down, but use it for your own purposes.

> > > >

> > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> > therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> > boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> > don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> > endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> > talk to her on the phone.

> > > >

> > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> > to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

> > stories?

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My nada has cancer and is on hospice now.  They want me to be very involved and

can't understand my mother has bpl.  They know she has it, but they think SHE

needs the support.  I told them I will have minimal contact as my health is not

good (my nada thinks I'm making it up for her attention.  I have a feeding tube

in me, she's rediculous).  I've tried talking to her and it doesn't help.  She

will be like this 'till she dies, and I'm left with the scars.  You need to

accept the fact that she is who she is and she can't help it.  I've been trying

to divorce her for years, but I get sucked back in.  I want the mother I never

had and now am working on trying to fix the little girl inside me who she

destroyed.  That's what my therapist says anyway.

Subject: Re: Divorcing your BPD parent - have you done it?

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Thursday, September 2, 2010, 1:17 PM

 

I concur. Talking to my BPD mom about her treatment of me is like spitting into

the wind. Pointless, and bound to wind up back in my face. However, I also agree

that writing the letter - for your own use - is a legitimate exercise. It will

help to clarify your thought process, your plans, and your reasons for taking

this action. In addition, it will be the basis for a " script " you'll need when

talking to your family members, Nada's caregivers, and other members of the

community who will insist that " she's your MUH-ther, you have to LOVE her. "

Working through this and having a " prepared statement " ready in advance will

help you to withstand these well-meaning folks.

Now that my mom's mental illness and physical health issues are becoming evident

to everyone around her, I'm having these conversations with a LOT of people.

Rather than explain why " I don't want to take care of my mom " and feeling like a

jerk, I just recite the script and invite them to look up BPD behaviors and see

if they recognize her in the DSM-IV list. It saves a lot of time, and at least

the professionals seem to take me seriously.

So I'd say go ahead and write this stuff down, but use it for your own purposes.

> > > >

> > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> > therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> > boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> > don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> > endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> > talk to her on the phone.

> > > >

> > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> > to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

> > stories?

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

When she asks, turn it around on her. " Why would you think that? " etc.

> > >

> > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

> > >

> > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

When she asks, turn it around on her. " Why would you think that? " etc.

> > >

> > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

> > >

> > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

When she asks, turn it around on her. " Why would you think that? " etc.

> > >

> > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

> > >

> > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My nada never asked why. She said, " I know why you are angry with me. It's

because I loved your brothers so much more than I ever loved you. "

I think this was her way of saying she was sorry? It did not freaking work!

The moat just grew 6 times wider and 20 times deeper. And I got crocodiles,

dobermans, pittbuls and flame throwers for reinforcements.

I would love to see your script though , on how you explain things to

others. . . I find myself having to explain sometimes. Usually I don't

though, I just ask the person how they're mom is doing or something like

that - and they are OFF on their own adventure. Its great. Well I feel bad

after, but it protects my tender insides.

>

>

> When she asks, turn it around on her. " Why would you think that? " etc.

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of

> my therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> talk to her on the phone.

> > > >

> > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as

> opposed to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success

> stories? Horror stories?

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My nada never asked why. She said, " I know why you are angry with me. It's

because I loved your brothers so much more than I ever loved you. "

I think this was her way of saying she was sorry? It did not freaking work!

The moat just grew 6 times wider and 20 times deeper. And I got crocodiles,

dobermans, pittbuls and flame throwers for reinforcements.

I would love to see your script though , on how you explain things to

others. . . I find myself having to explain sometimes. Usually I don't

though, I just ask the person how they're mom is doing or something like

that - and they are OFF on their own adventure. Its great. Well I feel bad

after, but it protects my tender insides.

>

>

> When she asks, turn it around on her. " Why would you think that? " etc.

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of

> my therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> talk to her on the phone.

> > > >

> > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as

> opposed to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success

> stories? Horror stories?

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My nada never asked why. She said, " I know why you are angry with me. It's

because I loved your brothers so much more than I ever loved you. "

I think this was her way of saying she was sorry? It did not freaking work!

The moat just grew 6 times wider and 20 times deeper. And I got crocodiles,

dobermans, pittbuls and flame throwers for reinforcements.

I would love to see your script though , on how you explain things to

others. . . I find myself having to explain sometimes. Usually I don't

though, I just ask the person how they're mom is doing or something like

that - and they are OFF on their own adventure. Its great. Well I feel bad

after, but it protects my tender insides.

>

>

> When she asks, turn it around on her. " Why would you think that? " etc.

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of

> my therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> talk to her on the phone.

> > > >

> > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as

> opposed to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success

> stories? Horror stories?

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

How do you (or do you?) explain when she calls and asks " are you mad at me now

or something? "

I'd just reply, " No, I just have my own life now, mom. I'm giving my husband

and my job and my own needs priority now. That's all. "

She won't like that answer, she won't accept it, she'll try to argue with you

about it, she'll whine, she'll cry, she'll try to drape you in chains of

guilt... but the *moment* she begins doing that, you just say in a calm and

polite tone (and talk over her if you have to) " Sorry, mom, but I have to go

now. I'm hanging up now. Talk to you later. 'bye now. "

Its pretty much all you can do. Its just being assertive, and not letting her

use her familiar old tactics to make you feel guilty and bad. Its not wrong or

bad for you, an adult, to make your own husband and home and career and your own

needs the focus and center of your attention. Your nada wants an unhealthy

relationship with you: she wants for herself to be the center and focus of all

your attention, and that's not healthy or normal.

You can reward her if you want to when she's behaving normally and rationally,

but when she starts in with the enmeshing, guilting behaviors, you suddenly have

to be somewhere else.

Low contact is the most difficult to maintain. Some of us can't handle it and

just cut off all contact. Its OK to do that just temporarily, also. It doesn't

have to be permanent. Just say something like, " I need a time-out, mom. I'm

exhausted. I need quiet and peace to recuperate and heal and focus on my own

needs. Thanks for understanding. I'll let you know when I'm ready to get back

in contact with you. "

Its all about feeling that you deserve to say these things, and saying them

doesn't make you bad or wrong.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

> > >

> > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

How do you (or do you?) explain when she calls and asks " are you mad at me now

or something? "

I'd just reply, " No, I just have my own life now, mom. I'm giving my husband

and my job and my own needs priority now. That's all. "

She won't like that answer, she won't accept it, she'll try to argue with you

about it, she'll whine, she'll cry, she'll try to drape you in chains of

guilt... but the *moment* she begins doing that, you just say in a calm and

polite tone (and talk over her if you have to) " Sorry, mom, but I have to go

now. I'm hanging up now. Talk to you later. 'bye now. "

Its pretty much all you can do. Its just being assertive, and not letting her

use her familiar old tactics to make you feel guilty and bad. Its not wrong or

bad for you, an adult, to make your own husband and home and career and your own

needs the focus and center of your attention. Your nada wants an unhealthy

relationship with you: she wants for herself to be the center and focus of all

your attention, and that's not healthy or normal.

You can reward her if you want to when she's behaving normally and rationally,

but when she starts in with the enmeshing, guilting behaviors, you suddenly have

to be somewhere else.

Low contact is the most difficult to maintain. Some of us can't handle it and

just cut off all contact. Its OK to do that just temporarily, also. It doesn't

have to be permanent. Just say something like, " I need a time-out, mom. I'm

exhausted. I need quiet and peace to recuperate and heal and focus on my own

needs. Thanks for understanding. I'll let you know when I'm ready to get back

in contact with you. "

Its all about feeling that you deserve to say these things, and saying them

doesn't make you bad or wrong.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

> > >

> > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Just don't answer the phone. My nada never tried to call me, not one single

time. I actually believe she knows what she has done. At least a part of her

knows.

On Thu, Sep 2, 2010 at 12:19 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> How do you (or do you?) explain when she calls and asks " are you mad at me

> now or something? "

>

> I'd just reply, " No, I just have my own life now, mom. I'm giving my

> husband and my job and my own needs priority now. That's all. "

>

> She won't like that answer, she won't accept it, she'll try to argue with

> you about it, she'll whine, she'll cry, she'll try to drape you in chains of

> guilt... but the *moment* she begins doing that, you just say in a calm and

> polite tone (and talk over her if you have to) " Sorry, mom, but I have to go

> now. I'm hanging up now. Talk to you later. 'bye now. "

>

> Its pretty much all you can do. Its just being assertive, and not letting

> her use her familiar old tactics to make you feel guilty and bad. Its not

> wrong or bad for you, an adult, to make your own husband and home and career

> and your own needs the focus and center of your attention. Your nada wants

> an unhealthy relationship with you: she wants for herself to be the center

> and focus of all your attention, and that's not healthy or normal.

>

> You can reward her if you want to when she's behaving normally and

> rationally, but when she starts in with the enmeshing, guilting behaviors,

> you suddenly have to be somewhere else.

>

> Low contact is the most difficult to maintain. Some of us can't handle it

> and just cut off all contact. Its OK to do that just temporarily, also. It

> doesn't have to be permanent. Just say something like, " I need a time-out,

> mom. I'm exhausted. I need quiet and peace to recuperate and heal and focus

> on my own needs. Thanks for understanding. I'll let you know when I'm ready

> to get back in contact with you. "

>

> Its all about feeling that you deserve to say these things, and saying them

> doesn't make you bad or wrong.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> > > >

> > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of

> my therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> talk to her on the phone.

> > > >

> > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as

> opposed to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success

> stories? Horror stories?

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Just don't answer the phone when she calls. Let her leave a message. When or

if you feel like talking to her, call her back.

>

> Subject: Re: Divorcing your BPD parent - have you done it?

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Thursday, September 2, 2010, 5:40 PM

> Thanks for the response, Annie.

> Everyone's advice so far confirms what I fear will happen...

> I won't send the letter.

>

> How do you (or do you?) explain when she calls and asks

> " are you mad at me now or something? "

>

> I've been actively cutting her out of my life for the last

> 4-6 months and I know she sees a big difference. I don't

> know how to explain (or if it's possible to explain) to her

> that this is the way it's going to be from now on - that I'm

> never going back to the way it was. I'm not going to be

> there when she whines and complains. I'm not going to

> mediate for her or give her career advice. I used to be very

> present in her life(available all the time to her).

>

> I've told her that I've just been busy and used the

> wedding, my business and other things as excuses to get her

> to shut up. I feel like I've run out of excuses and I can't

> bring myself to say, " Sorry, I'm busy " anymore. Because I'm

> not sorry but I don't have the guts to tell her that I don't

> want to talk to her anymore.

>

> Ugh. Help!

>

>

> K

>

> > >

> > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD

> mother. With the help of my therapist, I'm going to send her

> an email to explain and set some boundaries. I'm not brave

> enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't

> want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to

> have to endure another Christmas season with her. I've run

> out of the energy to even talk to her on the phone.

> > >

> > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward

> kind of way (as opposed to slowly phasing out)while living

> in the same city? Success stories? Horror stories?

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @....

> DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

>

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline

> Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to

> find)

[Guest guest]

Just don't answer the phone when she calls. Let her leave a message. When or

if you feel like talking to her, call her back.

>

> Subject: Re: Divorcing your BPD parent - have you done it?

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Thursday, September 2, 2010, 5:40 PM

> Thanks for the response, Annie.

> Everyone's advice so far confirms what I fear will happen...

> I won't send the letter.

>

> How do you (or do you?) explain when she calls and asks

> " are you mad at me now or something? "

>

> I've been actively cutting her out of my life for the last

> 4-6 months and I know she sees a big difference. I don't

> know how to explain (or if it's possible to explain) to her

> that this is the way it's going to be from now on - that I'm

> never going back to the way it was. I'm not going to be

> there when she whines and complains. I'm not going to

> mediate for her or give her career advice. I used to be very

> present in her life(available all the time to her).

>

> I've told her that I've just been busy and used the

> wedding, my business and other things as excuses to get her

> to shut up. I feel like I've run out of excuses and I can't

> bring myself to say, " Sorry, I'm busy " anymore. Because I'm

> not sorry but I don't have the guts to tell her that I don't

> want to talk to her anymore.

>

> Ugh. Help!

>

>

> K

>

> > >

> > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD

> mother. With the help of my therapist, I'm going to send her

> an email to explain and set some boundaries. I'm not brave

> enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't

> want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to

> have to endure another Christmas season with her. I've run

> out of the energy to even talk to her on the phone.

> > >

> > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward

> kind of way (as opposed to slowly phasing out)while living

> in the same city? Success stories? Horror stories?

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @....

> DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

>

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline

> Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to

> find)

[Guest guest]

I can't do that at work, where she likes to corner me because I can't be rude in

front of clients and I *have* to pick up the phone without knowing who's on the

other line.

I haven't answered a phone call from her on my cell or home phone for months.

> > > >

> > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD

> > mother. With the help of my therapist, I'm going to send her

> > an email to explain and set some boundaries. I'm not brave

> > enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't

> > want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to

> > have to endure another Christmas season with her. I've run

> > out of the energy to even talk to her on the phone.

> > > >

> > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward

> > kind of way (as opposed to slowly phasing out)while living

> > in the same city? Success stories? Horror stories?

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ------------------------------------

> >

> > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @...

> > DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> >

> > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> >

> >

> > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline

> > Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to

> > find)

[Guest guest]

I think any client would understand hearing you say, " Mother, I am at work and

cannot take personal calls here. Talk to you later. " and then hanging up. Not

rude, and setting a boundary. If she persists in calling, then you have a

harassment issue...SHE is the one who looks like an asshole as long as all you

keep saying is that same thing, each time she calls. If it interferes with

business, then that can be dealt with from the business.

>

> Subject: Re: Divorcing your BPD parent - have you done it?

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Thursday, September 2, 2010, 10:47 PM

> I can't do that at work, where she

> likes to corner me because I can't be rude in front of

> clients and I *have* to pick up the phone without knowing

> who's on the other line.

>

> I haven't answered a phone call from her on my cell or home

> phone for months.

>

>

> > > > >

> > > > > I want to limit my relationship with my

> BPD

> > > mother. With the help of my therapist, I'm going

> to send her

> > > an email to explain and set some boundaries. I'm

> not brave

> > > enough to cut her out of my life completely, but

> I don't

> > > want to see much of her anymore. I especially

> don't want to

> > > have to endure another Christmas season with her.

> I've run

> > > out of the energy to even talk to her on the

> phone.

> > > > >

> > > > > Have any of you done this in a

> straightforward

> > > kind of way (as opposed to slowly phasing

> out)while living

> > > in the same city? Success stories? Horror

> stories?

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ------------------------------------

> > >

> > >  **This group is based on principles in

> Randi Kreger's new

> > > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline

> Personality

> > > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on

> Eggshells,

> > > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems?

> Write @...

> > > DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > >

> > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> > >

> > >

> > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a

> Borderline

> > > Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline

> Mother " (hard to

> > > find)

[Guest guest]

What an unfortunate situation at work. All I can think of is to only repeat

like a broken record when she phones you at work, " I'm sorry but I can't talk to

you at work, mom. I have to hang up now. 'bye. " and nothing else.

At another Group I belong to, one of the members works for a mental health

services phone counseling department, and she is in that same position of not

knowing who it is that's calling her. Her company's rules disallow her from

hanging up on anyone that calls, because their clients are troubled, mentally

ill people calling for help!

Ah, the irony!

I suggested to this other KO, that the instant she recognizes that its her own

nada phoning her again, to only say " Please hold while I transfer you to a

counselor " and nothing else.

I don't know what I'd do without caller ID, I haven't picked up the phone to

answer an unsolicited sales call or a political contribution call in years! And

of course it helps RE avoiding nada as well.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD

> > > mother. With the help of my therapist, I'm going to send her

> > > an email to explain and set some boundaries. I'm not brave

> > > enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't

> > > want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to

> > > have to endure another Christmas season with her. I've run

> > > out of the energy to even talk to her on the phone.

> > > > >

> > > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward

> > > kind of way (as opposed to slowly phasing out)while living

> > > in the same city? Success stories? Horror stories?

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ------------------------------------

> > >

> > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> > > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> > > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> > > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @

> > > DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > >

> > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> > >

> > >

> > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline

> > > Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to

> > > find)

[Guest guest]

Really good advice from , I agree: become boring to the person with bpd in

order to gently disengage from them. That's also one of the suggestions from a

site called " Counseling Resources " as one technique to safely disengage from a

potentially dangerous, personality-disordered dating partner without triggering

narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage (resulting in obsessiveness, stalking

and/or a desire for revenge) in the pd person. The idea is to get the pd person

to find you so lifeless and boring that they initiate the act and disengage with

you.

Even before I went virtual No Contact with my nada, I was doing that too. I'd

give very little information about myself during phone conversations and what I

did give was very generic, bland, unexciting and dull. My nada's style of

communication was to either (a) grill me like a police interrogation or (

monologue for 20 minutes at a time about herself and her activities. The

concept of a back-and-forth conversation in which each person contributes or

comments and then listens was incomprehensible to her.

-Annie

>

> Thanks for your response, .

>

> This confirms that I've been doing the right thing, just not for long enough

yet. Just hearing how freakishly similar our mothers with BPD are is comforting

(to know that someone else has to do this).

>

> So, thanks.

>

> K

>

[Guest guest]

Really good advice from , I agree: become boring to the person with bpd in

order to gently disengage from them. That's also one of the suggestions from a

site called " Counseling Resources " as one technique to safely disengage from a

potentially dangerous, personality-disordered dating partner without triggering

narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage (resulting in obsessiveness, stalking

and/or a desire for revenge) in the pd person. The idea is to get the pd person

to find you so lifeless and boring that they initiate the act and disengage with

you.

Even before I went virtual No Contact with my nada, I was doing that too. I'd

give very little information about myself during phone conversations and what I

did give was very generic, bland, unexciting and dull. My nada's style of

communication was to either (a) grill me like a police interrogation or (

monologue for 20 minutes at a time about herself and her activities. The

concept of a back-and-forth conversation in which each person contributes or

comments and then listens was incomprehensible to her.

-Annie

>

> Thanks for your response, .

>

> This confirms that I've been doing the right thing, just not for long enough

yet. Just hearing how freakishly similar our mothers with BPD are is comforting

(to know that someone else has to do this).

>

> So, thanks.

>

> K

>

[Guest guest]

Really good advice from , I agree: become boring to the person with bpd in

order to gently disengage from them. That's also one of the suggestions from a

site called " Counseling Resources " as one technique to safely disengage from a

potentially dangerous, personality-disordered dating partner without triggering

narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage (resulting in obsessiveness, stalking

and/or a desire for revenge) in the pd person. The idea is to get the pd person

to find you so lifeless and boring that they initiate the act and disengage with

you.

Even before I went virtual No Contact with my nada, I was doing that too. I'd

give very little information about myself during phone conversations and what I

did give was very generic, bland, unexciting and dull. My nada's style of

communication was to either (a) grill me like a police interrogation or (

monologue for 20 minutes at a time about herself and her activities. The

concept of a back-and-forth conversation in which each person contributes or

comments and then listens was incomprehensible to her.

-Annie

>

> Thanks for your response, .

>

> This confirms that I've been doing the right thing, just not for long enough

yet. Just hearing how freakishly similar our mothers with BPD are is comforting

(to know that someone else has to do this).

>

> So, thanks.

>

> K

>

[Guest guest]

The last time I talked to my mother, she hung up on me. That was almost 3 years

ago. I haven't talked to her since. She has sent letters to my children (long

rambling craziness which they will never read), emailed a message that said my

father was on death's door (he's fine, 3 years later), became friends with my

insane ex-husband to try to get to me, turned the entire family against me . . .

And I just never responded.

Once a year or so, she will send an email inviting me to lunch, as though

nothing has happened. I just send something that says: " Considering how you

treat me, I'm surprised you would suggest such a thing. Please discontinue

contacting me, and don't use this as an excuse to show up at my door. "

That's it.

And it has been the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Hope that helps--

Karla

>

> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

>

> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

>

[Guest guest]

The last time I talked to my mother, she hung up on me. That was almost 3 years

ago. I haven't talked to her since. She has sent letters to my children (long

rambling craziness which they will never read), emailed a message that said my

father was on death's door (he's fine, 3 years later), became friends with my

insane ex-husband to try to get to me, turned the entire family against me . . .

And I just never responded.

Once a year or so, she will send an email inviting me to lunch, as though

nothing has happened. I just send something that says: " Considering how you

treat me, I'm surprised you would suggest such a thing. Please discontinue

contacting me, and don't use this as an excuse to show up at my door. "

That's it.

And it has been the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Hope that helps--

Karla

>

> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

>

> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

>

[Guest guest]

The last time I talked to my mother, she hung up on me. That was almost 3 years

ago. I haven't talked to her since. She has sent letters to my children (long

rambling craziness which they will never read), emailed a message that said my

father was on death's door (he's fine, 3 years later), became friends with my

insane ex-husband to try to get to me, turned the entire family against me . . .

And I just never responded.

Once a year or so, she will send an email inviting me to lunch, as though

nothing has happened. I just send something that says: " Considering how you

treat me, I'm surprised you would suggest such a thing. Please discontinue

contacting me, and don't use this as an excuse to show up at my door. "

That's it.

And it has been the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Hope that helps--

Karla

>

> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

>

> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

>