Re: Divorcing your BPD parent - have you done it?

[Guest guest]

I can't do that at work, where she likes to corner me because I can't be rude in

front of clients and I *have* to pick up the phone without knowing who's on the

other line.

I haven't answered a phone call from her on my cell or home phone for months.

> > > >

> > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD

> > mother. With the help of my therapist, I'm going to send her

> > an email to explain and set some boundaries. I'm not brave

> > enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't

> > want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to

> > have to endure another Christmas season with her. I've run

> > out of the energy to even talk to her on the phone.

> > > >

> > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward

> > kind of way (as opposed to slowly phasing out)while living

> > in the same city? Success stories? Horror stories?

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ------------------------------------

> >

> > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @...

> > DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> >

> > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> >

> >

> > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline

> > Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to

> > find)

[Guest guest]

What an unfortunate situation at work. All I can think of is to only repeat

like a broken record when she phones you at work, " I'm sorry but I can't talk to

you at work, mom. I have to hang up now. 'bye. " and nothing else.

At another Group I belong to, one of the members works for a mental health

services phone counseling department, and she is in that same position of not

knowing who it is that's calling her. Her company's rules disallow her from

hanging up on anyone that calls, because their clients are troubled, mentally

ill people calling for help!

Ah, the irony!

I suggested to this other KO, that the instant she recognizes that its her own

nada phoning her again, to only say " Please hold while I transfer you to a

counselor " and nothing else.

I don't know what I'd do without caller ID, I haven't picked up the phone to

answer an unsolicited sales call or a political contribution call in years! And

of course it helps RE avoiding nada as well.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD

> > > mother. With the help of my therapist, I'm going to send her

> > > an email to explain and set some boundaries. I'm not brave

> > > enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't

> > > want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to

> > > have to endure another Christmas season with her. I've run

> > > out of the energy to even talk to her on the phone.

> > > > >

> > > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward

> > > kind of way (as opposed to slowly phasing out)while living

> > > in the same city? Success stories? Horror stories?

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ------------------------------------

> > >

> > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> > > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> > > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> > > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @

> > > DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > >

> > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> > >

> > >

> > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline

> > > Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to

> > > find)

[Guest guest]

What an unfortunate situation at work. All I can think of is to only repeat

like a broken record when she phones you at work, " I'm sorry but I can't talk to

you at work, mom. I have to hang up now. 'bye. " and nothing else.

At another Group I belong to, one of the members works for a mental health

services phone counseling department, and she is in that same position of not

knowing who it is that's calling her. Her company's rules disallow her from

hanging up on anyone that calls, because their clients are troubled, mentally

ill people calling for help!

Ah, the irony!

I suggested to this other KO, that the instant she recognizes that its her own

nada phoning her again, to only say " Please hold while I transfer you to a

counselor " and nothing else.

I don't know what I'd do without caller ID, I haven't picked up the phone to

answer an unsolicited sales call or a political contribution call in years! And

of course it helps RE avoiding nada as well.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD

> > > mother. With the help of my therapist, I'm going to send her

> > > an email to explain and set some boundaries. I'm not brave

> > > enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't

> > > want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to

> > > have to endure another Christmas season with her. I've run

> > > out of the energy to even talk to her on the phone.

> > > > >

> > > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward

> > > kind of way (as opposed to slowly phasing out)while living

> > > in the same city? Success stories? Horror stories?

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ------------------------------------

> > >

> > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> > > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> > > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> > > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @

> > > DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > >

> > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> > >

> > >

> > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline

> > > Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to

> > > find)

[Guest guest]

It's not so much that I can completely stop telling her things, but I sure can

slow down the flow of information. Every piece of info (intel?) she gets is

turned into some kind of tool for manipulation. She's like a crow, collecting

shiny bits of tinfoil and turning them over in her nest. She uses these bits to

piece together a warped narrative, then tries to force me to agree to whatever

strange plans or story lines she's concocted. It's exhausting.

I guess I don't have to explain that having her attend a family or school event

is disruptive. It's like having a whiny, loud Queen the First show

up, demanding that everybody throw their coats over mud puddles for her (whether

there are any puddles there or not), and then complaining that not enough has

been done for her comfort. And then she wants me to take her out to eat, pay

the bill, and blow my diet by sharing cheesecake.

SO - we are the most boring people alive, as far as she knows. I tell her

NOTHING about family problems, naturally. I stick to information about my son

and how well he's doing (if he's struggling in school or behind on a project,

that would be the thin end of the wedge, so I don't discuss that). I give her

details about things she cannot possibly be involved in - backpacking trips, for

instance. Orchestra concert? No way - she would want to show up for that. I

only tell her about events after they're over - never in advance. That way she

can't insert herself into the plans.

Basically, I can tell her about the weather, we can talk national or state

politics, and I can give her glowing reports about her grandson's progress (that

way she has something to brag about to her friends and acquaintances). I never

agree to do anything - " I don't know. I'd have to see whether the calendar is

free/I have enough money/etc. "

It's all sort of like ju jitsu - she comes at me, and I turn aside and let her

blow by.

> > >>

> > >>>> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> > >>>>

> > >> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> > >> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely,

but I

> > >> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> > >> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to

even

> > >> talk to her on the phone.

> > >>

> > >>>> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> > >>>>

> > >> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories?

Horror

> > >> stories?

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

It's not so much that I can completely stop telling her things, but I sure can

slow down the flow of information. Every piece of info (intel?) she gets is

turned into some kind of tool for manipulation. She's like a crow, collecting

shiny bits of tinfoil and turning them over in her nest. She uses these bits to

piece together a warped narrative, then tries to force me to agree to whatever

strange plans or story lines she's concocted. It's exhausting.

I guess I don't have to explain that having her attend a family or school event

is disruptive. It's like having a whiny, loud Queen the First show

up, demanding that everybody throw their coats over mud puddles for her (whether

there are any puddles there or not), and then complaining that not enough has

been done for her comfort. And then she wants me to take her out to eat, pay

the bill, and blow my diet by sharing cheesecake.

SO - we are the most boring people alive, as far as she knows. I tell her

NOTHING about family problems, naturally. I stick to information about my son

and how well he's doing (if he's struggling in school or behind on a project,

that would be the thin end of the wedge, so I don't discuss that). I give her

details about things she cannot possibly be involved in - backpacking trips, for

instance. Orchestra concert? No way - she would want to show up for that. I

only tell her about events after they're over - never in advance. That way she

can't insert herself into the plans.

Basically, I can tell her about the weather, we can talk national or state

politics, and I can give her glowing reports about her grandson's progress (that

way she has something to brag about to her friends and acquaintances). I never

agree to do anything - " I don't know. I'd have to see whether the calendar is

free/I have enough money/etc. "

It's all sort of like ju jitsu - she comes at me, and I turn aside and let her

blow by.

> > >>

> > >>>> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> > >>>>

> > >> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> > >> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely,

but I

> > >> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> > >> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to

even

> > >> talk to her on the phone.

> > >>

> > >>>> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> > >>>>

> > >> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories?

Horror

> > >> stories?

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

It's not so much that I can completely stop telling her things, but I sure can

slow down the flow of information. Every piece of info (intel?) she gets is

turned into some kind of tool for manipulation. She's like a crow, collecting

shiny bits of tinfoil and turning them over in her nest. She uses these bits to

piece together a warped narrative, then tries to force me to agree to whatever

strange plans or story lines she's concocted. It's exhausting.

I guess I don't have to explain that having her attend a family or school event

is disruptive. It's like having a whiny, loud Queen the First show

up, demanding that everybody throw their coats over mud puddles for her (whether

there are any puddles there or not), and then complaining that not enough has

been done for her comfort. And then she wants me to take her out to eat, pay

the bill, and blow my diet by sharing cheesecake.

SO - we are the most boring people alive, as far as she knows. I tell her

NOTHING about family problems, naturally. I stick to information about my son

and how well he's doing (if he's struggling in school or behind on a project,

that would be the thin end of the wedge, so I don't discuss that). I give her

details about things she cannot possibly be involved in - backpacking trips, for

instance. Orchestra concert? No way - she would want to show up for that. I

only tell her about events after they're over - never in advance. That way she

can't insert herself into the plans.

Basically, I can tell her about the weather, we can talk national or state

politics, and I can give her glowing reports about her grandson's progress (that

way she has something to brag about to her friends and acquaintances). I never

agree to do anything - " I don't know. I'd have to see whether the calendar is

free/I have enough money/etc. "

It's all sort of like ju jitsu - she comes at me, and I turn aside and let her

blow by.

> > >>

> > >>>> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> > >>>>

> > >> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> > >> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely,

but I

> > >> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> > >> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to

even

> > >> talk to her on the phone.

> > >>

> > >>>> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> > >>>>

> > >> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories?

Horror

> > >> stories?

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

It's not so much that I can completely stop telling her things, but I sure can

slow down the flow of information. Every piece of info (intel?) she gets is

turned into some kind of tool for manipulation. She's like a crow, collecting

shiny bits of tinfoil and turning them over in her nest. She uses these bits to

piece together a warped narrative, then tries to force me to agree to whatever

strange plans or story lines she's concocted. It's exhausting.

I guess I don't have to explain that having her attend a family or school event

is disruptive. It's like having a whiny, loud Queen the First show

up, demanding that everybody throw their coats over mud puddles for her (whether

there are any puddles there or not), and then complaining that not enough has

been done for her comfort. And then she wants me to take her out to eat, pay

the bill, and blow my diet by sharing cheesecake.

SO - we are the most boring people alive, as far as she knows. I tell her

NOTHING about family problems, naturally. I stick to information about my son

and how well he's doing (if he's struggling in school or behind on a project,

that would be the thin end of the wedge, so I don't discuss that). I give her

details about things she cannot possibly be involved in - backpacking trips, for

instance. Orchestra concert? No way - she would want to show up for that. I

only tell her about events after they're over - never in advance. That way she

can't insert herself into the plans.

Basically, I can tell her about the weather, we can talk national or state

politics, and I can give her glowing reports about her grandson's progress (that

way she has something to brag about to her friends and acquaintances). I never

agree to do anything - " I don't know. I'd have to see whether the calendar is

free/I have enough money/etc. "

It's all sort of like ju jitsu - she comes at me, and I turn aside and let her

blow by.

> > >>

> > >>>> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> > >>>>

> > >> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> > >> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely,

but I

> > >> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> > >> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to

even

> > >> talk to her on the phone.

> > >>

> > >>>> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> > >>>>

> > >> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories?

Horror

> > >> stories?

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

It's not so much that I can completely stop telling her things, but I sure can

slow down the flow of information. Every piece of info (intel?) she gets is

turned into some kind of tool for manipulation. She's like a crow, collecting

shiny bits of tinfoil and turning them over in her nest. She uses these bits to

piece together a warped narrative, then tries to force me to agree to whatever

strange plans or story lines she's concocted. It's exhausting.

I guess I don't have to explain that having her attend a family or school event

is disruptive. It's like having a whiny, loud Queen the First show

up, demanding that everybody throw their coats over mud puddles for her (whether

there are any puddles there or not), and then complaining that not enough has

been done for her comfort. And then she wants me to take her out to eat, pay

the bill, and blow my diet by sharing cheesecake.

SO - we are the most boring people alive, as far as she knows. I tell her

NOTHING about family problems, naturally. I stick to information about my son

and how well he's doing (if he's struggling in school or behind on a project,

that would be the thin end of the wedge, so I don't discuss that). I give her

details about things she cannot possibly be involved in - backpacking trips, for

instance. Orchestra concert? No way - she would want to show up for that. I

only tell her about events after they're over - never in advance. That way she

can't insert herself into the plans.

Basically, I can tell her about the weather, we can talk national or state

politics, and I can give her glowing reports about her grandson's progress (that

way she has something to brag about to her friends and acquaintances). I never

agree to do anything - " I don't know. I'd have to see whether the calendar is

free/I have enough money/etc. "

It's all sort of like ju jitsu - she comes at me, and I turn aside and let her

blow by.

> > >>

> > >>>> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> > >>>>

> > >> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> > >> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely,

but I

> > >> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> > >> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to

even

> > >> talk to her on the phone.

> > >>

> > >>>> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> > >>>>

> > >> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories?

Horror

> > >> stories?

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

It's not so much that I can completely stop telling her things, but I sure can

slow down the flow of information. Every piece of info (intel?) she gets is

turned into some kind of tool for manipulation. She's like a crow, collecting

shiny bits of tinfoil and turning them over in her nest. She uses these bits to

piece together a warped narrative, then tries to force me to agree to whatever

strange plans or story lines she's concocted. It's exhausting.

I guess I don't have to explain that having her attend a family or school event

is disruptive. It's like having a whiny, loud Queen the First show

up, demanding that everybody throw their coats over mud puddles for her (whether

there are any puddles there or not), and then complaining that not enough has

been done for her comfort. And then she wants me to take her out to eat, pay

the bill, and blow my diet by sharing cheesecake.

SO - we are the most boring people alive, as far as she knows. I tell her

NOTHING about family problems, naturally. I stick to information about my son

and how well he's doing (if he's struggling in school or behind on a project,

that would be the thin end of the wedge, so I don't discuss that). I give her

details about things she cannot possibly be involved in - backpacking trips, for

instance. Orchestra concert? No way - she would want to show up for that. I

only tell her about events after they're over - never in advance. That way she

can't insert herself into the plans.

Basically, I can tell her about the weather, we can talk national or state

politics, and I can give her glowing reports about her grandson's progress (that

way she has something to brag about to her friends and acquaintances). I never

agree to do anything - " I don't know. I'd have to see whether the calendar is

free/I have enough money/etc. "

It's all sort of like ju jitsu - she comes at me, and I turn aside and let her

blow by.

> > >>

> > >>>> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

> > >>>>

> > >> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> > >> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely,

but I

> > >> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> > >> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to

even

> > >> talk to her on the phone.

> > >>

> > >>>> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed

> > >>>>

> > >> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories?

Horror

> > >> stories?

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your response, .

This confirms that I've been doing the right thing, just not for long enough

yet. Just hearing how freakishly similar our mothers with BPD are is comforting

(to know that someone else has to do this).

So, thanks.

K

> > > >>

> > > >>>> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of

my

> > > >>>>

> > > >> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> > > >> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely,

but I

> > > >> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have

to

> > > >> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to

even

> > > >> talk to her on the phone.

> > > >>

> > > >>>> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as

opposed

> > > >>>>

> > > >> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories?

Horror

> > > >> stories?

> > > >>

> > > >>

> > > >>

> > > >>

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your response, .

This confirms that I've been doing the right thing, just not for long enough

yet. Just hearing how freakishly similar our mothers with BPD are is comforting

(to know that someone else has to do this).

So, thanks.

K

> > > >>

> > > >>>> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of

my

> > > >>>>

> > > >> therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> > > >> boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely,

but I

> > > >> don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have

to

> > > >> endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to

even

> > > >> talk to her on the phone.

> > > >>

> > > >>>> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as

opposed

> > > >>>>

> > > >> to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories?

Horror

> > > >> stories?

> > > >>

> > > >>

> > > >>

> > > >>

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >