Guest guest Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 The common factor seems to be extremism: that bpd " black or white " thinking, that " all or nothing " kind of thinking. No gray areas, no middle ground. Either its extreme mess and disorganization to the point of living in filth, or extreme hyper-organization and hospital-operating-room cleanliness to the point that folding the towels " wrong " will get the child punished. And in relationships: over-controlling, domineering and intrusive, or negligent and abandoning, or exploitative. Nothing just normal and balanced. Treating her child like an extension of her own body, her third arm or like a kind of inanimate doll that doesn't have any will of its own, or like an enemy or a resented competitor. That happy nurturing mixture that normal parents have of guidance, empathy and validation, mixed with the willingness to step back when the time is right for each level of independence that encourages a child and young person to feel self-confident and willing to take chances and try things and learn and grow... all that seems to be just missing with the bpd parent. Instead the bpd parent either clutches the child to herself in a grip of cold fear, or torments and punishes her child for merely existing, or actively pushes her child away, rejecting her altogether, or exploits her child, using the child for her own gratification. No middle, happy ground for the kids of the personality disordered; instead its one horrible extreme or another. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > This article has me thinking and stewing a bit I'm > > > > > > > curious to see others reactions to it. I'm fighting a > > > > > > > bit of internal FOGgging. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/09/01/my_mother_deathbed/index.html > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > And do any of you get the feeling that the author had > > > > > > > an unhappy relationship with the mother and was an > > > > > > > involuntary caregiver? I worry about the social > > > > > > > pressure on me to do the same when the time comes. I > > > > > > > hope to do most everything to manage her care long distance, > > > > > > > but...it produces lots of conflicting emotions. My > > > > > > > mother never beat me or tried to kill me or even attempted > > > > > > > suicide. Sometimes I wonder if I belong on this board > > > > > > > even, but my therapists say she's BPD, and she still managed > > > > > > > to completely eff me up with emotionally anyway. Yet a > > > > > > > little voice says what she did wasn't extreme *enough* for > > > > > > > me to leave her to die " alone " . Yet for me to live > > > > > > > close enough to her for that not to be the case, I'd live > > > > > > > close enough for her to make me insane - possibly for years > > > > > > > - before she got to her end of life. So I > > > > > > > still stand by my choices living far away, making phone > > > > > > > calls, but I feel a storm is coming and I'm not sure I'm > > > > > > > ready. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Anybody else in this boat? Do you worry that > > > > > > > it's a big enough boat? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new > > > > > > > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality > > > > > > > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, > > > > > > > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ > > <%40BPDCentral.com> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > . > > > > > > > DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to > > > > > > WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe <WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe%40ya\ hoogroups.com> > > <WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe%40yahoogroups.com> > > > > <WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe%40yahoogroups.com> > > > > > > > > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline > > > > > > > Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to > > > > > > > find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 3, 2010 Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 I'm an only child as well. We were on our own, just my and my oh so lovely delusional mother. I was suicidal multiple times. She tried to kill me twice that I know of. It took meeting my husband and his relatively normal family (no games! no drama! no strings!) to make me see what the norm is. I have huge gaps in my memory. I don't remember the majority of my childhood except the drama, trauma and the nightmareish weird behavior. We were isolated because her parents were rather " hands off " and frankly my grandmother was a little " odd " herself. My two aunts, one has something, perhaps NPD and a touch of BPD, the other left home at 16 and has kept them all at arms length. My dad left when I was 4 after she tried to kill him, and he was rarely around. There is something wrong with him too. NPD I'm pretty sure. He's cut off all the rest of his family and everything pretty much revolves around him and his BPD wife. I haven't been in contact with my mother for almost 4 years now. Of course I think about her, I wonder whose life she's glomed herself onto, but I'm grateful that I've escaped that emotional vampirism. I've often thought about what will happen when she dies. She just turned 61, when she was 50, she looked 70, so who knows how her health is. She's been " dying " forever. One day she'll kick it, and frankly I'm not looking forward to the whole clearing out her house, dealing with her million cats and all that crap. Although, she will likely donate everything to the church because apparently they're the only ones who " truly care " . I'm sure she has them all convinced that I'm the devil incarnate. > > > > > Annie, so if you were an only child, would feel a sense of duty? How would you negotiate that with your mental safety? I know it's hypothetical but just curious. It seems some nadas have done things so awful that it negates any obligations, but if it's underneath that but still bad the gray area gets confusing. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 3, 2010 Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 I'm an only child as well. We were on our own, just my and my oh so lovely delusional mother. I was suicidal multiple times. She tried to kill me twice that I know of. It took meeting my husband and his relatively normal family (no games! no drama! no strings!) to make me see what the norm is. I have huge gaps in my memory. I don't remember the majority of my childhood except the drama, trauma and the nightmareish weird behavior. We were isolated because her parents were rather " hands off " and frankly my grandmother was a little " odd " herself. My two aunts, one has something, perhaps NPD and a touch of BPD, the other left home at 16 and has kept them all at arms length. My dad left when I was 4 after she tried to kill him, and he was rarely around. There is something wrong with him too. NPD I'm pretty sure. He's cut off all the rest of his family and everything pretty much revolves around him and his BPD wife. I haven't been in contact with my mother for almost 4 years now. Of course I think about her, I wonder whose life she's glomed herself onto, but I'm grateful that I've escaped that emotional vampirism. I've often thought about what will happen when she dies. She just turned 61, when she was 50, she looked 70, so who knows how her health is. She's been " dying " forever. One day she'll kick it, and frankly I'm not looking forward to the whole clearing out her house, dealing with her million cats and all that crap. Although, she will likely donate everything to the church because apparently they're the only ones who " truly care " . I'm sure she has them all convinced that I'm the devil incarnate. > > > > > Annie, so if you were an only child, would feel a sense of duty? How would you negotiate that with your mental safety? I know it's hypothetical but just curious. It seems some nadas have done things so awful that it negates any obligations, but if it's underneath that but still bad the gray area gets confusing. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 3, 2010 Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 I'm an only child as well. We were on our own, just my and my oh so lovely delusional mother. I was suicidal multiple times. She tried to kill me twice that I know of. It took meeting my husband and his relatively normal family (no games! no drama! no strings!) to make me see what the norm is. I have huge gaps in my memory. I don't remember the majority of my childhood except the drama, trauma and the nightmareish weird behavior. We were isolated because her parents were rather " hands off " and frankly my grandmother was a little " odd " herself. My two aunts, one has something, perhaps NPD and a touch of BPD, the other left home at 16 and has kept them all at arms length. My dad left when I was 4 after she tried to kill him, and he was rarely around. There is something wrong with him too. NPD I'm pretty sure. He's cut off all the rest of his family and everything pretty much revolves around him and his BPD wife. I haven't been in contact with my mother for almost 4 years now. Of course I think about her, I wonder whose life she's glomed herself onto, but I'm grateful that I've escaped that emotional vampirism. I've often thought about what will happen when she dies. She just turned 61, when she was 50, she looked 70, so who knows how her health is. She's been " dying " forever. One day she'll kick it, and frankly I'm not looking forward to the whole clearing out her house, dealing with her million cats and all that crap. Although, she will likely donate everything to the church because apparently they're the only ones who " truly care " . I'm sure she has them all convinced that I'm the devil incarnate. > > > > > Annie, so if you were an only child, would feel a sense of duty? How would you negotiate that with your mental safety? I know it's hypothetical but just curious. It seems some nadas have done things so awful that it negates any obligations, but if it's underneath that but still bad the gray area gets confusing. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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