Guest guest Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Hi , My nada is maybe more like yours..As I read each persons story's, I really feel sad for so many of them, I'm suprised they aren't all suicidal themselves with some of the crazy nada's they had, I couldn't even imagine, because mine was bad enough..Our nada never beat us either, it's always been her mouth..She is actually too scared of every thing in life herself to be mean in that way..Storms, trains, planes, tall buildings every thing, she can imagine a bad thing happening and just freak about it..She was also more belittling and controlling with all of our lives...I'm the oldest of 6 kids, so she made me her parent and everyone elses too...Still to this day she drives me crazy if I talk to her too much or am around her..Funny thing is for me, I had forgotten all the bad when I was little, in fact I don't remember her being really verbally mean as a small child, (it started more in my teenage years), she made me her caretaker when it came to handling my alcoholic Dad..It was when I got my divorce and moved back to the town where they all live my nightmare began...I moved in with my parents for a brief time, but I was lucky to get out, because nada didn't want that at all...She tryed to tell me where to go, who to see, and if I didn't do it the way she wanted me too, she would figure out a way for it to happen that way...She tryed to keep my daughter from me by kicking me out of the house, basically on to the streets, I had only lived in this state when I moved in with them, so I knew no one except for this guy I had been dating, which she hated in the first place...She would pick up the phone, everytime he'd call and scream at us and tell us to get off...I was 27 (I'm 54 now) years old then and before my divorce had been married for 6 years...I ended up having to call the guy, and moving in with him, so there I ended up in a relationship I didn't need to be in anyway, because of Nada...Funny, she put me where she didn't want me in the first place, just because she wouldn't let me figure things out on my own...My daughter was with them alone for about 3 weeks,I tryed and tryed to go visit her and call her and my nada wouldn't let me...My poor little girl at the time was 4 and had never been away from me at the time, she didn't know what to think...when I finally got a place to live I went to get her, and my Dad at the time wasn't going to let me take her, which was strange, we figured out at that point nada had lied to him and told him I just never came back and ran off with this man...When I told him the truth he believed me and just said, " Go get your girl. " He was so mad at her....So now, my contact has been off and on, or NC...If I am too close with her now, what she does is constantly run my siblings down and complain about them and run their lives...She also trys to pull me in to her insanity about them,it's scary because she has a way of making you believe things at times...She has always played he children against one another, so you have to watch it with her... She knows she can't push me anymore..I've never asked her for anything again, since I moved in with them all those years ago...I've tryed to tell my younger sister for years, you can't depend on her in anyway because if you do she will use it to her advantage..She still trys to manipulate everyone, she's still belittling and no matter what the incident,(even though we know she caused it) she is always the victim...I have one brother who she has made so weak, he ended up back at home with her, after my father died...He's been there since, like for 20 years..It's so sad too, he is such a good looking man, sweet and gentle to old people, small children and women, he's never been married..He's very articulate and can fix, and do almost anything he sets his mind too, but she's beat him down so bad he's become somewhat antisocial and we think he has a fear of the outside world..So it's all great for her because she has her built in caretaker...She would have preferred to have, had me, but she didn't get her way when I grew up...I hate her guts for all the things she has caused for my siblings..I got married young and was living in another state for those 7 years (best thing that could have happen to me), I learned how to take care of myself and have always done it, I'm very happy, confident and well adjusted compared to my siblings... I just can't be around her, because she brings horrible rage and anger in me if I'm with her too much..Of course it's all vented towards her...I've told her recently she has no business judging anyones mothering skills because she was the suckiest mother on earth! Sorry for the long story, I was up and couldn't sleep so you helped me out...LOL! Don't worry about being long distance from your nada...I live in the same town just 3 miles away and once again we haven't spoke for a month now...I'm going to keep it that way for as long as I can, although I'm sure my poor brother will call me about something and it's really hard for me not to help my siblings still to this day...I'm working on getting my younger sister strong now, she was the youngest of all of us, and she has some real problems because of Nada... I guess I'll always be a caretaker to a certain point, but I know that I can go to my grave and my children are happy, well adjusted and we have a wonderful relationship and that's what matters in life is yourself and your family...Good night and good luck... Jill > > This article has me thinking and stewing a bit I'm curious to see others reactions to it. I'm fighting a bit of internal FOGgging. > > http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/09/01/my_mother_deathbed/index.html > > And do any of you get the feeling that the author had an unhappy relationship with the mother and was an involuntary caregiver? I worry about the social pressure on me to do the same when the time comes. I hope to do most everything to manage her care long distance, but...it produces lots of conflicting emotions. My mother never beat me or tried to kill me or even attempted suicide. Sometimes I wonder if I belong on this board even, but my therapists say she's BPD, and she still managed to completely eff me up with emotionally anyway. Yet a little voice says what she did wasn't extreme *enough* for me to leave her to die " alone " . Yet for me to live close enough to her for that not to be the case, I'd live close enough for her to make me insane - possibly for years - before she got to her end of life. So I still stand by my choices living far away, making phone calls, but I feel a storm is coming and I'm not sure I'm ready. > > Anybody else in this boat? Do you worry that it's a big enough boat? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Hi , My nada is maybe more like yours..As I read each persons story's, I really feel sad for so many of them, I'm suprised they aren't all suicidal themselves with some of the crazy nada's they had, I couldn't even imagine, because mine was bad enough..Our nada never beat us either, it's always been her mouth..She is actually too scared of every thing in life herself to be mean in that way..Storms, trains, planes, tall buildings every thing, she can imagine a bad thing happening and just freak about it..She was also more belittling and controlling with all of our lives...I'm the oldest of 6 kids, so she made me her parent and everyone elses too...Still to this day she drives me crazy if I talk to her too much or am around her..Funny thing is for me, I had forgotten all the bad when I was little, in fact I don't remember her being really verbally mean as a small child, (it started more in my teenage years), she made me her caretaker when it came to handling my alcoholic Dad..It was when I got my divorce and moved back to the town where they all live my nightmare began...I moved in with my parents for a brief time, but I was lucky to get out, because nada didn't want that at all...She tryed to tell me where to go, who to see, and if I didn't do it the way she wanted me too, she would figure out a way for it to happen that way...She tryed to keep my daughter from me by kicking me out of the house, basically on to the streets, I had only lived in this state when I moved in with them, so I knew no one except for this guy I had been dating, which she hated in the first place...She would pick up the phone, everytime he'd call and scream at us and tell us to get off...I was 27 (I'm 54 now) years old then and before my divorce had been married for 6 years...I ended up having to call the guy, and moving in with him, so there I ended up in a relationship I didn't need to be in anyway, because of Nada...Funny, she put me where she didn't want me in the first place, just because she wouldn't let me figure things out on my own...My daughter was with them alone for about 3 weeks,I tryed and tryed to go visit her and call her and my nada wouldn't let me...My poor little girl at the time was 4 and had never been away from me at the time, she didn't know what to think...when I finally got a place to live I went to get her, and my Dad at the time wasn't going to let me take her, which was strange, we figured out at that point nada had lied to him and told him I just never came back and ran off with this man...When I told him the truth he believed me and just said, " Go get your girl. " He was so mad at her....So now, my contact has been off and on, or NC...If I am too close with her now, what she does is constantly run my siblings down and complain about them and run their lives...She also trys to pull me in to her insanity about them,it's scary because she has a way of making you believe things at times...She has always played he children against one another, so you have to watch it with her... She knows she can't push me anymore..I've never asked her for anything again, since I moved in with them all those years ago...I've tryed to tell my younger sister for years, you can't depend on her in anyway because if you do she will use it to her advantage..She still trys to manipulate everyone, she's still belittling and no matter what the incident,(even though we know she caused it) she is always the victim...I have one brother who she has made so weak, he ended up back at home with her, after my father died...He's been there since, like for 20 years..It's so sad too, he is such a good looking man, sweet and gentle to old people, small children and women, he's never been married..He's very articulate and can fix, and do almost anything he sets his mind too, but she's beat him down so bad he's become somewhat antisocial and we think he has a fear of the outside world..So it's all great for her because she has her built in caretaker...She would have preferred to have, had me, but she didn't get her way when I grew up...I hate her guts for all the things she has caused for my siblings..I got married young and was living in another state for those 7 years (best thing that could have happen to me), I learned how to take care of myself and have always done it, I'm very happy, confident and well adjusted compared to my siblings... I just can't be around her, because she brings horrible rage and anger in me if I'm with her too much..Of course it's all vented towards her...I've told her recently she has no business judging anyones mothering skills because she was the suckiest mother on earth! Sorry for the long story, I was up and couldn't sleep so you helped me out...LOL! Don't worry about being long distance from your nada...I live in the same town just 3 miles away and once again we haven't spoke for a month now...I'm going to keep it that way for as long as I can, although I'm sure my poor brother will call me about something and it's really hard for me not to help my siblings still to this day...I'm working on getting my younger sister strong now, she was the youngest of all of us, and she has some real problems because of Nada... I guess I'll always be a caretaker to a certain point, but I know that I can go to my grave and my children are happy, well adjusted and we have a wonderful relationship and that's what matters in life is yourself and your family...Good night and good luck... Jill > > This article has me thinking and stewing a bit I'm curious to see others reactions to it. I'm fighting a bit of internal FOGgging. > > http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/09/01/my_mother_deathbed/index.html > > And do any of you get the feeling that the author had an unhappy relationship with the mother and was an involuntary caregiver? I worry about the social pressure on me to do the same when the time comes. I hope to do most everything to manage her care long distance, but...it produces lots of conflicting emotions. My mother never beat me or tried to kill me or even attempted suicide. Sometimes I wonder if I belong on this board even, but my therapists say she's BPD, and she still managed to completely eff me up with emotionally anyway. Yet a little voice says what she did wasn't extreme *enough* for me to leave her to die " alone " . Yet for me to live close enough to her for that not to be the case, I'd live close enough for her to make me insane - possibly for years - before she got to her end of life. So I still stand by my choices living far away, making phone calls, but I feel a storm is coming and I'm not sure I'm ready. > > Anybody else in this boat? Do you worry that it's a big enough boat? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Hi , My nada is maybe more like yours..As I read each persons story's, I really feel sad for so many of them, I'm suprised they aren't all suicidal themselves with some of the crazy nada's they had, I couldn't even imagine, because mine was bad enough..Our nada never beat us either, it's always been her mouth..She is actually too scared of every thing in life herself to be mean in that way..Storms, trains, planes, tall buildings every thing, she can imagine a bad thing happening and just freak about it..She was also more belittling and controlling with all of our lives...I'm the oldest of 6 kids, so she made me her parent and everyone elses too...Still to this day she drives me crazy if I talk to her too much or am around her..Funny thing is for me, I had forgotten all the bad when I was little, in fact I don't remember her being really verbally mean as a small child, (it started more in my teenage years), she made me her caretaker when it came to handling my alcoholic Dad..It was when I got my divorce and moved back to the town where they all live my nightmare began...I moved in with my parents for a brief time, but I was lucky to get out, because nada didn't want that at all...She tryed to tell me where to go, who to see, and if I didn't do it the way she wanted me too, she would figure out a way for it to happen that way...She tryed to keep my daughter from me by kicking me out of the house, basically on to the streets, I had only lived in this state when I moved in with them, so I knew no one except for this guy I had been dating, which she hated in the first place...She would pick up the phone, everytime he'd call and scream at us and tell us to get off...I was 27 (I'm 54 now) years old then and before my divorce had been married for 6 years...I ended up having to call the guy, and moving in with him, so there I ended up in a relationship I didn't need to be in anyway, because of Nada...Funny, she put me where she didn't want me in the first place, just because she wouldn't let me figure things out on my own...My daughter was with them alone for about 3 weeks,I tryed and tryed to go visit her and call her and my nada wouldn't let me...My poor little girl at the time was 4 and had never been away from me at the time, she didn't know what to think...when I finally got a place to live I went to get her, and my Dad at the time wasn't going to let me take her, which was strange, we figured out at that point nada had lied to him and told him I just never came back and ran off with this man...When I told him the truth he believed me and just said, " Go get your girl. " He was so mad at her....So now, my contact has been off and on, or NC...If I am too close with her now, what she does is constantly run my siblings down and complain about them and run their lives...She also trys to pull me in to her insanity about them,it's scary because she has a way of making you believe things at times...She has always played he children against one another, so you have to watch it with her... She knows she can't push me anymore..I've never asked her for anything again, since I moved in with them all those years ago...I've tryed to tell my younger sister for years, you can't depend on her in anyway because if you do she will use it to her advantage..She still trys to manipulate everyone, she's still belittling and no matter what the incident,(even though we know she caused it) she is always the victim...I have one brother who she has made so weak, he ended up back at home with her, after my father died...He's been there since, like for 20 years..It's so sad too, he is such a good looking man, sweet and gentle to old people, small children and women, he's never been married..He's very articulate and can fix, and do almost anything he sets his mind too, but she's beat him down so bad he's become somewhat antisocial and we think he has a fear of the outside world..So it's all great for her because she has her built in caretaker...She would have preferred to have, had me, but she didn't get her way when I grew up...I hate her guts for all the things she has caused for my siblings..I got married young and was living in another state for those 7 years (best thing that could have happen to me), I learned how to take care of myself and have always done it, I'm very happy, confident and well adjusted compared to my siblings... I just can't be around her, because she brings horrible rage and anger in me if I'm with her too much..Of course it's all vented towards her...I've told her recently she has no business judging anyones mothering skills because she was the suckiest mother on earth! Sorry for the long story, I was up and couldn't sleep so you helped me out...LOL! Don't worry about being long distance from your nada...I live in the same town just 3 miles away and once again we haven't spoke for a month now...I'm going to keep it that way for as long as I can, although I'm sure my poor brother will call me about something and it's really hard for me not to help my siblings still to this day...I'm working on getting my younger sister strong now, she was the youngest of all of us, and she has some real problems because of Nada... I guess I'll always be a caretaker to a certain point, but I know that I can go to my grave and my children are happy, well adjusted and we have a wonderful relationship and that's what matters in life is yourself and your family...Good night and good luck... Jill > > This article has me thinking and stewing a bit I'm curious to see others reactions to it. I'm fighting a bit of internal FOGgging. > > http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/09/01/my_mother_deathbed/index.html > > And do any of you get the feeling that the author had an unhappy relationship with the mother and was an involuntary caregiver? I worry about the social pressure on me to do the same when the time comes. I hope to do most everything to manage her care long distance, but...it produces lots of conflicting emotions. My mother never beat me or tried to kill me or even attempted suicide. Sometimes I wonder if I belong on this board even, but my therapists say she's BPD, and she still managed to completely eff me up with emotionally anyway. Yet a little voice says what she did wasn't extreme *enough* for me to leave her to die " alone " . Yet for me to live close enough to her for that not to be the case, I'd live close enough for her to make me insane - possibly for years - before she got to her end of life. So I still stand by my choices living far away, making phone calls, but I feel a storm is coming and I'm not sure I'm ready. > > Anybody else in this boat? Do you worry that it's a big enough boat? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Fascinating article. Yes, I got the impression that the daughter didn't have a great relationship with her mother before the terminal illness. How can one have a great relationship with such a control freak, particularly when its one's mother who is such an extreme control freak and has your entire life planned out for you and is rushing you from one thing to the next to keep on schedule? That is being treated like a mere object, an inanimate thing with no feelings, or like a pet lap dog who gets carried around in a purse all day and has no option to have a personal opinion that differs from The Mother/or The Owner in any way. I started getting a headache just reading about it. There is a lot of the Control Freak in my nada, too. Fortunately for me, I have a Sister who is willing and able to handle our nada's current (minimal) needs and her eventual end of life needs and I will be only peripherally involved. If through unforseen circumstances and tragedy I should lose my Sister and wind up being nada's only living child, I suppose that duty will fall on me. And I guess I'll just deal with it, somehow, out of duty only. -Annie > > This article has me thinking and stewing a bit I'm curious to see others reactions to it. I'm fighting a bit of internal FOGgging. > > http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/09/01/my_mother_deathbed/index.html > > And do any of you get the feeling that the author had an unhappy relationship with the mother and was an involuntary caregiver? I worry about the social pressure on me to do the same when the time comes. I hope to do most everything to manage her care long distance, but...it produces lots of conflicting emotions. My mother never beat me or tried to kill me or even attempted suicide. Sometimes I wonder if I belong on this board even, but my therapists say she's BPD, and she still managed to completely eff me up with emotionally anyway. Yet a little voice says what she did wasn't extreme *enough* for me to leave her to die " alone " . Yet for me to live close enough to her for that not to be the case, I'd live close enough for her to make me insane - possibly for years - before she got to her end of life. So I still stand by my choices living far away, making phone calls, but I feel a storm is coming and I'm not sure I'm ready. > > Anybody else in this boat? Do you worry that it's a big enough boat? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Fascinating article. Yes, I got the impression that the daughter didn't have a great relationship with her mother before the terminal illness. How can one have a great relationship with such a control freak, particularly when its one's mother who is such an extreme control freak and has your entire life planned out for you and is rushing you from one thing to the next to keep on schedule? That is being treated like a mere object, an inanimate thing with no feelings, or like a pet lap dog who gets carried around in a purse all day and has no option to have a personal opinion that differs from The Mother/or The Owner in any way. I started getting a headache just reading about it. There is a lot of the Control Freak in my nada, too. Fortunately for me, I have a Sister who is willing and able to handle our nada's current (minimal) needs and her eventual end of life needs and I will be only peripherally involved. If through unforseen circumstances and tragedy I should lose my Sister and wind up being nada's only living child, I suppose that duty will fall on me. And I guess I'll just deal with it, somehow, out of duty only. -Annie > > This article has me thinking and stewing a bit I'm curious to see others reactions to it. I'm fighting a bit of internal FOGgging. > > http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/09/01/my_mother_deathbed/index.html > > And do any of you get the feeling that the author had an unhappy relationship with the mother and was an involuntary caregiver? I worry about the social pressure on me to do the same when the time comes. I hope to do most everything to manage her care long distance, but...it produces lots of conflicting emotions. My mother never beat me or tried to kill me or even attempted suicide. Sometimes I wonder if I belong on this board even, but my therapists say she's BPD, and she still managed to completely eff me up with emotionally anyway. Yet a little voice says what she did wasn't extreme *enough* for me to leave her to die " alone " . Yet for me to live close enough to her for that not to be the case, I'd live close enough for her to make me insane - possibly for years - before she got to her end of life. So I still stand by my choices living far away, making phone calls, but I feel a storm is coming and I'm not sure I'm ready. > > Anybody else in this boat? Do you worry that it's a big enough boat? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Fascinating article. Yes, I got the impression that the daughter didn't have a great relationship with her mother before the terminal illness. How can one have a great relationship with such a control freak, particularly when its one's mother who is such an extreme control freak and has your entire life planned out for you and is rushing you from one thing to the next to keep on schedule? That is being treated like a mere object, an inanimate thing with no feelings, or like a pet lap dog who gets carried around in a purse all day and has no option to have a personal opinion that differs from The Mother/or The Owner in any way. I started getting a headache just reading about it. There is a lot of the Control Freak in my nada, too. Fortunately for me, I have a Sister who is willing and able to handle our nada's current (minimal) needs and her eventual end of life needs and I will be only peripherally involved. If through unforseen circumstances and tragedy I should lose my Sister and wind up being nada's only living child, I suppose that duty will fall on me. And I guess I'll just deal with it, somehow, out of duty only. -Annie > > This article has me thinking and stewing a bit I'm curious to see others reactions to it. I'm fighting a bit of internal FOGgging. > > http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/09/01/my_mother_deathbed/index.html > > And do any of you get the feeling that the author had an unhappy relationship with the mother and was an involuntary caregiver? I worry about the social pressure on me to do the same when the time comes. I hope to do most everything to manage her care long distance, but...it produces lots of conflicting emotions. My mother never beat me or tried to kill me or even attempted suicide. Sometimes I wonder if I belong on this board even, but my therapists say she's BPD, and she still managed to completely eff me up with emotionally anyway. Yet a little voice says what she did wasn't extreme *enough* for me to leave her to die " alone " . Yet for me to live close enough to her for that not to be the case, I'd live close enough for her to make me insane - possibly for years - before she got to her end of life. So I still stand by my choices living far away, making phone calls, but I feel a storm is coming and I'm not sure I'm ready. > > Anybody else in this boat? Do you worry that it's a big enough boat? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Me personally, I think there's a *big* difference in being highly organized *yourself*, as opposed to forcing your idea of being properly organized and what should be done on the schedule you've created *on other people*. The author of the article described how her mother wouldn't let her daughter just enjoy a little vacation at the summer house, the mother had every minute of her (adult!) daughter's day planned out *for her.* And it sounded exhausting (to me.) I'm one of those people who think vacations should be about relaxing, not about seeing how many activities you can cram into one day. That feels like being at work to me! I actually admire people who are highly organized and efficient. You don't sound *overly* organized or *obsessively* organized or domineering to me, and I'm not getting the impression that you force and pressure those around you to comply with your schedule and organization methods...or else! That just sounds normal and mentally healthy to me! -Annie > > > > > > > > This article has me thinking and stewing a bit I'm > > > curious to see others reactions to it. I'm fighting a > > > bit of internal FOGgging. > > > > > > > > > > http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/09/01/my_mother_deathbed/index.html > > > > > > > > And do any of you get the feeling that the author had > > > an unhappy relationship with the mother and was an > > > involuntary caregiver? I worry about the social > > > pressure on me to do the same when the time comes. I > > > hope to do most everything to manage her care long distance, > > > but...it produces lots of conflicting emotions. My > > > mother never beat me or tried to kill me or even attempted > > > suicide. Sometimes I wonder if I belong on this board > > > even, but my therapists say she's BPD, and she still managed > > > to completely eff me up with emotionally anyway. Yet a > > > little voice says what she did wasn't extreme *enough* for > > > me to leave her to die " alone " . Yet for me to live > > > close enough to her for that not to be the case, I'd live > > > close enough for her to make me insane - possibly for years > > > - before she got to her end of life. So I > > > still stand by my choices living far away, making phone > > > calls, but I feel a storm is coming and I'm not sure I'm > > > ready. > > > > > > > > Anybody else in this boat? Do you worry that > > > it's a big enough boat? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > > > > > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new > > > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality > > > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, > > > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @...<%40BPDCentral.com> > > . > > > DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. > > > > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to > > WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe <WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe%40ya\ hoogroups.com> > > . > > > > > > > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline > > > Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to > > > find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Me personally, I think there's a *big* difference in being highly organized *yourself*, as opposed to forcing your idea of being properly organized and what should be done on the schedule you've created *on other people*. The author of the article described how her mother wouldn't let her daughter just enjoy a little vacation at the summer house, the mother had every minute of her (adult!) daughter's day planned out *for her.* And it sounded exhausting (to me.) I'm one of those people who think vacations should be about relaxing, not about seeing how many activities you can cram into one day. That feels like being at work to me! I actually admire people who are highly organized and efficient. You don't sound *overly* organized or *obsessively* organized or domineering to me, and I'm not getting the impression that you force and pressure those around you to comply with your schedule and organization methods...or else! That just sounds normal and mentally healthy to me! -Annie > > > > > > > > This article has me thinking and stewing a bit I'm > > > curious to see others reactions to it. I'm fighting a > > > bit of internal FOGgging. > > > > > > > > > > http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/09/01/my_mother_deathbed/index.html > > > > > > > > And do any of you get the feeling that the author had > > > an unhappy relationship with the mother and was an > > > involuntary caregiver? I worry about the social > > > pressure on me to do the same when the time comes. I > > > hope to do most everything to manage her care long distance, > > > but...it produces lots of conflicting emotions. My > > > mother never beat me or tried to kill me or even attempted > > > suicide. Sometimes I wonder if I belong on this board > > > even, but my therapists say she's BPD, and she still managed > > > to completely eff me up with emotionally anyway. Yet a > > > little voice says what she did wasn't extreme *enough* for > > > me to leave her to die " alone " . Yet for me to live > > > close enough to her for that not to be the case, I'd live > > > close enough for her to make me insane - possibly for years > > > - before she got to her end of life. So I > > > still stand by my choices living far away, making phone > > > calls, but I feel a storm is coming and I'm not sure I'm > > > ready. > > > > > > > > Anybody else in this boat? Do you worry that > > > it's a big enough boat? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > > > > > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new > > > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality > > > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, > > > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @...<%40BPDCentral.com> > > . > > > DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. > > > > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to > > WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe <WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe%40ya\ hoogroups.com> > > . > > > > > > > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline > > > Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to > > > find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Emotional abuse leaves scars too. One thing that we KOs tend to forget is that our feelings are valid, that we count. It was pounded into us growing up that we didn't matter. You are entitled to how you feel. > > This article has me thinking and stewing a bit I'm curious to see others reactions to it. I'm fighting a bit of internal FOGgging. > > http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/09/01/my_mother_deathbed/index.html > > And do any of you get the feeling that the author had an unhappy relationship with the mother and was an involuntary caregiver? I worry about the social pressure on me to do the same when the time comes. I hope to do most everything to manage her care long distance, but...it produces lots of conflicting emotions. My mother never beat me or tried to kill me or even attempted suicide. Sometimes I wonder if I belong on this board even, but my therapists say she's BPD, and she still managed to completely eff me up with emotionally anyway. Yet a little voice says what she did wasn't extreme *enough* for me to leave her to die " alone " . Yet for me to live close enough to her for that not to be the case, I'd live close enough for her to make me insane - possibly for years - before she got to her end of life. So I still stand by my choices living far away, making phone calls, but I feel a storm is coming and I'm not sure I'm ready. > > Anybody else in this boat? Do you worry that it's a big enough boat? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Emotional abuse leaves scars too. One thing that we KOs tend to forget is that our feelings are valid, that we count. It was pounded into us growing up that we didn't matter. You are entitled to how you feel. > > This article has me thinking and stewing a bit I'm curious to see others reactions to it. I'm fighting a bit of internal FOGgging. > > http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/09/01/my_mother_deathbed/index.html > > And do any of you get the feeling that the author had an unhappy relationship with the mother and was an involuntary caregiver? I worry about the social pressure on me to do the same when the time comes. I hope to do most everything to manage her care long distance, but...it produces lots of conflicting emotions. My mother never beat me or tried to kill me or even attempted suicide. Sometimes I wonder if I belong on this board even, but my therapists say she's BPD, and she still managed to completely eff me up with emotionally anyway. Yet a little voice says what she did wasn't extreme *enough* for me to leave her to die " alone " . Yet for me to live close enough to her for that not to be the case, I'd live close enough for her to make me insane - possibly for years - before she got to her end of life. So I still stand by my choices living far away, making phone calls, but I feel a storm is coming and I'm not sure I'm ready. > > Anybody else in this boat? Do you worry that it's a big enough boat? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Seems to me that " the middle road " is usually the healthiest route. Its great to be organized and efficient as long as you can also be spontaneous sometimes. Its the extreme ends of the spectrum that cause unhappiness and rigid, brittle relationships. My nada would become stressed, anxious, hostile and abusive if the house was even slightly disorganized or untidy. She became extremely verbally abusive to me once when I'd misplaced and then located one of her bills (I'd come to nurse her for 3 months before, during and after a major operation she needed) and oops, that one bill didn't get paid exactly on time, and you'd think I'd committed a mass murder. Never mind that I'd given up three months of my life and my salary to come care for her, she had to make a big freaking issue out of humiliating and shaming me over that one mistake I made about one bill. Nada is way too rigid, controlling, perfectionistic and obsessive-compulsive about such things and its just another reason I don't want to be around her anymore. That's my philosophy, anyway. I like to stay away from the extremes now that I have a choice in the matter. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > This article has me thinking and stewing a bit I'm > > > > > curious to see others reactions to it. I'm fighting a > > > > > bit of internal FOGgging. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/09/01/my_mother_deathbed/index.html > > > > > > > > > > > > And do any of you get the feeling that the author had > > > > > an unhappy relationship with the mother and was an > > > > > involuntary caregiver? I worry about the social > > > > > pressure on me to do the same when the time comes. I > > > > > hope to do most everything to manage her care long distance, > > > > > but...it produces lots of conflicting emotions. My > > > > > mother never beat me or tried to kill me or even attempted > > > > > suicide. Sometimes I wonder if I belong on this board > > > > > even, but my therapists say she's BPD, and she still managed > > > > > to completely eff me up with emotionally anyway. Yet a > > > > > little voice says what she did wasn't extreme *enough* for > > > > > me to leave her to die " alone " . Yet for me to live > > > > > close enough to her for that not to be the case, I'd live > > > > > close enough for her to make me insane - possibly for years > > > > > - before she got to her end of life. So I > > > > > still stand by my choices living far away, making phone > > > > > calls, but I feel a storm is coming and I'm not sure I'm > > > > > ready. > > > > > > > > > > > > Anybody else in this boat? Do you worry that > > > > > it's a big enough boat? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new > > > > > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality > > > > > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, > > > > > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @<%40BPDCentral.com> > > > > > > > > . > > > > > DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. > > > > > > > > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to > > > > WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe <WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe%40ya\ hoogroups.com> > > <WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe%40yahoogroups.com> > > > > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline > > > > > Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to > > > > > find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Seems to me that " the middle road " is usually the healthiest route. Its great to be organized and efficient as long as you can also be spontaneous sometimes. Its the extreme ends of the spectrum that cause unhappiness and rigid, brittle relationships. My nada would become stressed, anxious, hostile and abusive if the house was even slightly disorganized or untidy. She became extremely verbally abusive to me once when I'd misplaced and then located one of her bills (I'd come to nurse her for 3 months before, during and after a major operation she needed) and oops, that one bill didn't get paid exactly on time, and you'd think I'd committed a mass murder. Never mind that I'd given up three months of my life and my salary to come care for her, she had to make a big freaking issue out of humiliating and shaming me over that one mistake I made about one bill. Nada is way too rigid, controlling, perfectionistic and obsessive-compulsive about such things and its just another reason I don't want to be around her anymore. That's my philosophy, anyway. I like to stay away from the extremes now that I have a choice in the matter. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > This article has me thinking and stewing a bit I'm > > > > > curious to see others reactions to it. I'm fighting a > > > > > bit of internal FOGgging. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/09/01/my_mother_deathbed/index.html > > > > > > > > > > > > And do any of you get the feeling that the author had > > > > > an unhappy relationship with the mother and was an > > > > > involuntary caregiver? I worry about the social > > > > > pressure on me to do the same when the time comes. I > > > > > hope to do most everything to manage her care long distance, > > > > > but...it produces lots of conflicting emotions. My > > > > > mother never beat me or tried to kill me or even attempted > > > > > suicide. Sometimes I wonder if I belong on this board > > > > > even, but my therapists say she's BPD, and she still managed > > > > > to completely eff me up with emotionally anyway. Yet a > > > > > little voice says what she did wasn't extreme *enough* for > > > > > me to leave her to die " alone " . Yet for me to live > > > > > close enough to her for that not to be the case, I'd live > > > > > close enough for her to make me insane - possibly for years > > > > > - before she got to her end of life. So I > > > > > still stand by my choices living far away, making phone > > > > > calls, but I feel a storm is coming and I'm not sure I'm > > > > > ready. > > > > > > > > > > > > Anybody else in this boat? Do you worry that > > > > > it's a big enough boat? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new > > > > > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality > > > > > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, > > > > > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @<%40BPDCentral.com> > > > > > > > > . > > > > > DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. > > > > > > > > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to > > > > WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe <WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe%40ya\ hoogroups.com> > > <WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe%40yahoogroups.com> > > > > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline > > > > > Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to > > > > > find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Seems to me that " the middle road " is usually the healthiest route. Its great to be organized and efficient as long as you can also be spontaneous sometimes. Its the extreme ends of the spectrum that cause unhappiness and rigid, brittle relationships. My nada would become stressed, anxious, hostile and abusive if the house was even slightly disorganized or untidy. She became extremely verbally abusive to me once when I'd misplaced and then located one of her bills (I'd come to nurse her for 3 months before, during and after a major operation she needed) and oops, that one bill didn't get paid exactly on time, and you'd think I'd committed a mass murder. Never mind that I'd given up three months of my life and my salary to come care for her, she had to make a big freaking issue out of humiliating and shaming me over that one mistake I made about one bill. Nada is way too rigid, controlling, perfectionistic and obsessive-compulsive about such things and its just another reason I don't want to be around her anymore. That's my philosophy, anyway. I like to stay away from the extremes now that I have a choice in the matter. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > This article has me thinking and stewing a bit I'm > > > > > curious to see others reactions to it. I'm fighting a > > > > > bit of internal FOGgging. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/09/01/my_mother_deathbed/index.html > > > > > > > > > > > > And do any of you get the feeling that the author had > > > > > an unhappy relationship with the mother and was an > > > > > involuntary caregiver? I worry about the social > > > > > pressure on me to do the same when the time comes. I > > > > > hope to do most everything to manage her care long distance, > > > > > but...it produces lots of conflicting emotions. My > > > > > mother never beat me or tried to kill me or even attempted > > > > > suicide. Sometimes I wonder if I belong on this board > > > > > even, but my therapists say she's BPD, and she still managed > > > > > to completely eff me up with emotionally anyway. Yet a > > > > > little voice says what she did wasn't extreme *enough* for > > > > > me to leave her to die " alone " . Yet for me to live > > > > > close enough to her for that not to be the case, I'd live > > > > > close enough for her to make me insane - possibly for years > > > > > - before she got to her end of life. So I > > > > > still stand by my choices living far away, making phone > > > > > calls, but I feel a storm is coming and I'm not sure I'm > > > > > ready. > > > > > > > > > > > > Anybody else in this boat? Do you worry that > > > > > it's a big enough boat? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new > > > > > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality > > > > > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, > > > > > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @<%40BPDCentral.com> > > > > > > > > . > > > > > DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. > > > > > > > > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to > > > > WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe <WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe%40ya\ hoogroups.com> > > <WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe%40yahoogroups.com> > > > > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline > > > > > Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to > > > > > find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 The common factor seems to be extremism: that bpd " black or white " thinking, that " all or nothing " kind of thinking. No gray areas, no middle ground. Either its extreme mess and disorganization to the point of living in filth, or extreme hyper-organization and hospital-operating-room cleanliness to the point that folding the towels " wrong " will get the child punished. And in relationships: over-controlling, domineering and intrusive, or negligent and abandoning, or exploitative. Nothing just normal and balanced. Treating her child like an extension of her own body, her third arm or like a kind of inanimate doll that doesn't have any will of its own, or like an enemy or a resented competitor. That happy nurturing mixture that normal parents have of guidance, empathy and validation, mixed with the willingness to step back when the time is right for each level of independence that encourages a child and young person to feel self-confident and willing to take chances and try things and learn and grow... all that seems to be just missing with the bpd parent. Instead the bpd parent either clutches the child to herself in a grip of cold fear, or torments and punishes her child for merely existing, or actively pushes her child away, rejecting her altogether, or exploits her child, using the child for her own gratification. No middle, happy ground for the kids of the personality disordered; instead its one horrible extreme or another. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > This article has me thinking and stewing a bit I'm > > > > > > > curious to see others reactions to it. I'm fighting a > > > > > > > bit of internal FOGgging. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/09/01/my_mother_deathbed/index.html > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > And do any of you get the feeling that the author had > > > > > > > an unhappy relationship with the mother and was an > > > > > > > involuntary caregiver? I worry about the social > > > > > > > pressure on me to do the same when the time comes. I > > > > > > > hope to do most everything to manage her care long distance, > > > > > > > but...it produces lots of conflicting emotions. My > > > > > > > mother never beat me or tried to kill me or even attempted > > > > > > > suicide. Sometimes I wonder if I belong on this board > > > > > > > even, but my therapists say she's BPD, and she still managed > > > > > > > to completely eff me up with emotionally anyway. Yet a > > > > > > > little voice says what she did wasn't extreme *enough* for > > > > > > > me to leave her to die " alone " . Yet for me to live > > > > > > > close enough to her for that not to be the case, I'd live > > > > > > > close enough for her to make me insane - possibly for years > > > > > > > - before she got to her end of life. So I > > > > > > > still stand by my choices living far away, making phone > > > > > > > calls, but I feel a storm is coming and I'm not sure I'm > > > > > > > ready. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Anybody else in this boat? Do you worry that > > > > > > > it's a big enough boat? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new > > > > > > > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality > > > > > > > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, > > > > > > > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ > > <%40BPDCentral.com> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > . > > > > > > > DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to > > > > > > WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe <WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe%40ya\ hoogroups.com> > > <WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe%40yahoogroups.com> > > > > <WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe%40yahoogroups.com> > > > > > > > > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline > > > > > > > Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to > > > > > > > find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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