Re: The letter

August 13, 2010

Seriously, do these people have a script for being the victim that they share

with one another? Cause that letter reads SO familiar!

>

> I decided to post " the letter " . This is the one my momster delivered the

> day after I came home from the hospital with DD2. It was the first and only

> time she has seen DD2. I have been told that there is nothing wrong with

> the letter, it is not hurtful, it is not nasty, it is not abusive, and I am

> overreacting. Here it is:

>

> It's time I have a talk with you. I'm writing because I don't want any

> screaming or yelling. I can't take it anymore. I just have to get this off

> my chest. Please don't get me wrong, I am not blaming everything on you and

> (hubby), I am just letting you know what is bothering me. (me), you only

> get one mother in this world. I am sorry you got stuck with me.I don't know

> what I did to you in life that makes you so hateful towards me. If you

> would like to talk about it I am here for you. I always will be. I have

> been a worry wart all my life, It drove me nuts when you kids were little.

> I can't change, you will just have to accept it. I accept the way you are.

> There are things I don't agree with you about. But I don't yell at you like

> you do me. You and (hubby) both treat me like shit. I have to walk on

> eggshells every time I come to your house. I am so afraid of saying or

> doing something wrong. In fear that you will yell at me. That's not the

> way it's supposed to be. You are my daughter, I should feel very

> comfortable in your house. And the fact that you won't let me watch your

> kids, just puts a knife right through my heart. I have been watching

> (neice) since she was born. And I do a hell of a job with her. It gives us

> time to bond together. You won't give me that chance to bond with (DD1) and

> I'm sure the same with (DD2). What does (hubby)'s mother have that I

> don't? She gets to keep (DD1) overnight every week. Why can't I? You have

> never given me an honest answer. I really need to know. And the fact that

> you called me 20 minutes before (DD2) was born, is just proof you did not

> want me there. A very important moment in my life, to be there when my

> granddaughter was born, you took that away from me. But I see (best friend)

> was there. You must have called me last. Another stab in the heart.

> Honey, I don't want to go on like this, I want us all to get along. (me),

> this is the hardest thing I ever had to do in life, but I have to do it.

> Until you and (hubby) start treating me with respect, I can no longer come

> to your house. However, I hope you can find it in your heart to bring the

> kids over to see me. I love all three of my grand babies more than life

> itself

>

> Mom

>

> First, " if you would like to talk about it I am here for you " --I tried when

> I called her to discuss boundaries and how she has hurt me. She screamed

> over me and would not listen.

>

> " I don't yell at you like you do me " --most times she doesn't yell but has

> other family gang up on me or pushes something over and over until I cave.

> She does scream at the top of her lungs at times.

>

> As for me yelling at her it has only been 4 times in 18 months. 1)DD1's

> first Christmas when I spent all day cooking and she showed up and demanded

> I leave the meal to sit and get cold because she wanted to see my 4 month

> old open gifts. She freaked out and I yelled at her to leave. 2) DD2's

> second Christmas when she called 2 weeks before and demanded I abandon all

> my plans so she could have her " right " to have Christmas at her house.

> 3)The day I went into labor with DD2 when she ignored my request to stop

> interfering with DD1 5 TIMES in less than an hour. 4) When I was in late

> labor and about to deliver she whined to me about all the ways I could die

> in the hospital.

>

> " The fact that you won't let me watch your kids... " --This is because with my

> niece she leaves her alone with 2 mean dogs, refuses to use a safe and

> properly installed carseat, and smokes in a closed car with her and then

> asks people not to tell my brother.

>

> " You have never given me an honest answer " --We have discussed it several

> times.

>

> " You won't give me the chance to bond with DD1--She was at our house for

> hours one a week and often invited herself over without asking other times.

>

> That I did not want her at the birth was true but also she told me she did

> not want to be there and I called her all night and her phone was out of

> order.

>

August 13, 2010

What stands out to me about this letter is her complete lack of regret or

self-examination. She's just soooo clueless about what she might have done

wrong. The bit about how you would just have to " accept it " - whatever she

might have done while worrying too much when you were little. There's no

contrition there, there's no apology there, just a marvelously acted part of an

innocent who is graciously reaching out to someone who is wounding them.

And since many nadas do seem to be genuinely delusional, she may in fact totally

believe her act.

stay strong!

julie

>

> The funny thing is is she was in my life at this point MORE than she ever

> was. She visited 1-2 times per week to see my DD. The letter was the

> reason that NC began. She made it clear she would only see the kids(she

> delivered this the first and only time she saw my 2nd daughter) on her terms

> so...she stopped seeing the kids. It was more meant, i think, to coerce me

> into letting her have her way where my kids are concerned. Fat chance.

>

August 13, 2010

What stands out to me about this letter is her complete lack of regret or

self-examination. She's just soooo clueless about what she might have done

wrong. The bit about how you would just have to " accept it " - whatever she

might have done while worrying too much when you were little. There's no

contrition there, there's no apology there, just a marvelously acted part of an

innocent who is graciously reaching out to someone who is wounding them.

And since many nadas do seem to be genuinely delusional, she may in fact totally

believe her act.

stay strong!

julie

>

> The funny thing is is she was in my life at this point MORE than she ever

> was. She visited 1-2 times per week to see my DD. The letter was the

> reason that NC began. She made it clear she would only see the kids(she

> delivered this the first and only time she saw my 2nd daughter) on her terms

> so...she stopped seeing the kids. It was more meant, i think, to coerce me

> into letting her have her way where my kids are concerned. Fat chance.

>

August 13, 2010

No worries , there's not any limits on how long our posts can be here

and right now you are needing to share these things, so share them! There are

certain stories we all need to tell I think somewhere where they won't be

discounted. And yes, that story about your nada and DD's food shows her

undermining of you in the role of mother while when she was acting as mother you

being in pain and in the hospital was barely worth her attention sounds like.

The hypocrisy must make you furious. Keep speaking your truth!

>

> *What stands out to me about this letter is her complete lack of regret or

> self-examination. She's just soooo clueless about what she might have done

> wrong. The bit about how you would just have to " accept it " - whatever she

> might have done while worrying too much when you were little*

>

> Yes! That stood out to me from the beginning. The just accept it defense

> is common with her, she claims she CANNOT change. As for the worrying too

> much that was just attention seeking behavior on her part. One time she

> rushed my brother to the ER for a scratch and argued with the doctor about

> giving him a tetanus shot he didn't need. When I was vomitting every 20

> minutes for 4 days and needed to go to the ER she had my teenage BF take me

> because she was at work. They could not treat me unless it was life or

> death or they had her permission so I had to wait hours for her to get off

> work and arrive to get IV fluids. Another time, I was at the doctor for a

> knee injury. My knee was barely movable. She knows that I have always had

> a bad reaction to tetanus vaccine (my shoulder swells to the point I can't

> move it for 3 days without severe pain) but decided to have me get the

> booster that day because it was too inconvenient to come back another day.

> She could not see any problem with me having a bad right knee and a bad left

> shoulder at the same time. Then she dropped my off at my father's because

> she didn't want to deal with me in pain.

>

> In the letter she was referring to an incident a few days before when I

> became angry after she kept following me around insisting that my DDs food

> was too hot, not cut small enough ect. She did this all the way until I put

> the plate in front of DD and DD refused to eat because grandma was telling

> her it was hot.

>

> Once again, I start typing a small response and end up with a novel. It

> seems that I somehow want to get this all out. Is that normal?

>

August 14, 2010

Wow. Passive/aggression. Projection. Blame-shifting. Jealousy. Entitlement.

Attempted enmeshment. Manipulation. Bizarre accusations. Claiming victim.

Delusional " I'm here for you. " Narcissistic " you took away a very important

thing in MY life. " (HELLO!! YOU WERE GIVING BIRTH!! Her preference was NOT

the most important concern!!)

And let's not forget the timing: the one day that should have been about your

comfort and your family is the one day she has to act out and claim your

attention.

This is one of the most pure forms of a BPD's toxic brew I've ever seen.

Sorry you had to go through this. You owe her no reasons, and you are clearly

not the crazy/hateful/mean/screaming/selfish one here.

And I would sooner pull a stranger off the street than have her watch my kids.

Even without the smoking, and that's saying something.

Sheesh. What's a girl gotta do to get a break. Twins? No, that wouldn't do it

.. . .I'll keep thinking.

Blessings,

Karla