Guest guest Posted August 1, 2010 Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 Phew. I'm so glad to be here, and also a little overwhelmed by it all. Reading the previous posts is almost too much, at almost 30, it's amazing how I can slip back into believing I've caused all the turmoil in my life, a lot of " if I had only not said that " " not done that " " not coughed then " then she wouldn't have acted that way. But, reading these posts reminds me once again that I in no way can control her behaviors, and how important it is to keep reminding myself of that. A quick background, that probably sounds familiar to most. My mother was always very unpredictable growing up, screaming fits, barrages of the most hurtful things a person can say and tantrums mixed in with some creepy and uncomfortable over-the-top attention (usually if I was sick or injured). Lots of guilt trips and blame games. I spent so much of my life trying to please her (do well in school, sports, career, etc) And guess what? It never, ever worked. She is also addicted to painkillers and drinks excessively, which is only helping matters... On the positive side, I have an amazing father, who when I was young and her BPD really came out (after the loss of my brother) he was going to divorce her and was told he would not get the children being a man, committed to staying with her and buffering the impact of her disease as much as possible. He and my older brother are why I function at all today. So, here I am, getting ready to have my first child in a few months, and I'm struggling with how to establish boundaries with her when our son arrives. We live in Germany, and my parents will be visiting once we have the baby. It is very important that my dad spend time with his grandson, as he is quite ill, and we are not sure how much time is left for him. So, mom will be here no matter what. I'm just so nervous because big changes (overseas trip, new grandchild) always make it easier for an episode to happen, and if she has a screaming fit with my newborn son in the home, I don't know what to do. I've already told her at her last fit that that behavior wouldn't be acceptable when she visits, but, to be honest I guess I'm so scared of her still that I'm nervous about putting up the ultimate boundary and making her leave (and what this would mean for my father's trip) Sorry this was so long, but in a way it was cathartic too. TIA for any advice. (oh, and I just ordered Understanding the Borderline Mother, so I'm assuming that will help too) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2010 Report Share Posted August 2, 2010 Hi Louise, welcome and congratulations on your upcoming newborn. just one word of advice. If she starts raging/ranting put her on a plane! I have done that when my son was about three month-old and she came to 'visit'her first grandchild; after a few days when she finally exploded, I just picked up the phone and changed her airplane ticket. I too have a raging, attention-seeking BPD nada. And I too had my children in another country so she had to travel to come and visit. And, yes, jet-lag, strong emotions, new babies that require a lot of attention - more then you can afford to give her - all 'trigger' the usual BPD response. Don't feel guilty: you can never win them them, whatever you do, itwill never be enough. The book Understanding the borderline mother will help. Good luck. veronica > > Phew. I'm so glad to be here, and also a little overwhelmed by it all. Reading the previous posts is almost too much, at almost 30, it's amazing how I can slip back into believing I've caused all the turmoil in my life, a lot of " if I had only not said that " " not done that " " not coughed then " then she wouldn't have acted that way. But, reading these posts reminds me once again that I in no way can control her behaviors, and how important it is to keep reminding myself of that. > > A quick background, that probably sounds familiar to most. My mother was always very unpredictable growing up, screaming fits, barrages of the most hurtful things a person can say and tantrums mixed in with some creepy and uncomfortable over-the-top attention (usually if I was sick or injured). Lots of guilt trips and blame games. I spent so much of my life trying to please her (do well in school, sports, career, etc) And guess what? It never, ever worked. She is also addicted to painkillers and drinks excessively, which is only helping matters... > > On the positive side, I have an amazing father, who when I was young and her BPD really came out (after the loss of my brother) he was going to divorce her and was told he would not get the children being a man, committed to staying with her and buffering the impact of her disease as much as possible. He and my older brother are why I function at all today. > > So, here I am, getting ready to have my first child in a few months, and I'm struggling with how to establish boundaries with her when our son arrives. We live in Germany, and my parents will be visiting once we have the baby. It is very important that my dad spend time with his grandson, as he is quite ill, and we are not sure how much time is left for him. So, mom will be here no matter what. I'm just so nervous because big changes (overseas trip, new grandchild) always make it easier for an episode to happen, and if she has a screaming fit with my newborn son in the home, I don't know what to do. I've already told her at her last fit that that behavior wouldn't be acceptable when she visits, but, to be honest I guess I'm so scared of her still that I'm nervous about putting up the ultimate boundary and making her leave (and what this would mean for my father's trip) > > Sorry this was so long, but in a way it was cathartic too. TIA for any advice. (oh, and I just ordered Understanding the Borderline Mother, so I'm assuming that will help too) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2010 Report Share Posted August 2, 2010 Hi Louise, welcome and congratulations on your upcoming newborn. just one word of advice. If she starts raging/ranting put her on a plane! I have done that when my son was about three month-old and she came to 'visit'her first grandchild; after a few days when she finally exploded, I just picked up the phone and changed her airplane ticket. I too have a raging, attention-seeking BPD nada. And I too had my children in another country so she had to travel to come and visit. And, yes, jet-lag, strong emotions, new babies that require a lot of attention - more then you can afford to give her - all 'trigger' the usual BPD response. Don't feel guilty: you can never win them them, whatever you do, itwill never be enough. The book Understanding the borderline mother will help. Good luck. veronica > > Phew. I'm so glad to be here, and also a little overwhelmed by it all. Reading the previous posts is almost too much, at almost 30, it's amazing how I can slip back into believing I've caused all the turmoil in my life, a lot of " if I had only not said that " " not done that " " not coughed then " then she wouldn't have acted that way. But, reading these posts reminds me once again that I in no way can control her behaviors, and how important it is to keep reminding myself of that. > > A quick background, that probably sounds familiar to most. My mother was always very unpredictable growing up, screaming fits, barrages of the most hurtful things a person can say and tantrums mixed in with some creepy and uncomfortable over-the-top attention (usually if I was sick or injured). Lots of guilt trips and blame games. I spent so much of my life trying to please her (do well in school, sports, career, etc) And guess what? It never, ever worked. She is also addicted to painkillers and drinks excessively, which is only helping matters... > > On the positive side, I have an amazing father, who when I was young and her BPD really came out (after the loss of my brother) he was going to divorce her and was told he would not get the children being a man, committed to staying with her and buffering the impact of her disease as much as possible. He and my older brother are why I function at all today. > > So, here I am, getting ready to have my first child in a few months, and I'm struggling with how to establish boundaries with her when our son arrives. We live in Germany, and my parents will be visiting once we have the baby. It is very important that my dad spend time with his grandson, as he is quite ill, and we are not sure how much time is left for him. So, mom will be here no matter what. I'm just so nervous because big changes (overseas trip, new grandchild) always make it easier for an episode to happen, and if she has a screaming fit with my newborn son in the home, I don't know what to do. I've already told her at her last fit that that behavior wouldn't be acceptable when she visits, but, to be honest I guess I'm so scared of her still that I'm nervous about putting up the ultimate boundary and making her leave (and what this would mean for my father's trip) > > Sorry this was so long, but in a way it was cathartic too. TIA for any advice. (oh, and I just ordered Understanding the Borderline Mother, so I'm assuming that will help too) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2010 Report Share Posted August 2, 2010 Hi Louise, welcome and congratulations on your upcoming newborn. just one word of advice. If she starts raging/ranting put her on a plane! I have done that when my son was about three month-old and she came to 'visit'her first grandchild; after a few days when she finally exploded, I just picked up the phone and changed her airplane ticket. I too have a raging, attention-seeking BPD nada. And I too had my children in another country so she had to travel to come and visit. And, yes, jet-lag, strong emotions, new babies that require a lot of attention - more then you can afford to give her - all 'trigger' the usual BPD response. Don't feel guilty: you can never win them them, whatever you do, itwill never be enough. The book Understanding the borderline mother will help. Good luck. veronica > > Phew. I'm so glad to be here, and also a little overwhelmed by it all. Reading the previous posts is almost too much, at almost 30, it's amazing how I can slip back into believing I've caused all the turmoil in my life, a lot of " if I had only not said that " " not done that " " not coughed then " then she wouldn't have acted that way. But, reading these posts reminds me once again that I in no way can control her behaviors, and how important it is to keep reminding myself of that. > > A quick background, that probably sounds familiar to most. My mother was always very unpredictable growing up, screaming fits, barrages of the most hurtful things a person can say and tantrums mixed in with some creepy and uncomfortable over-the-top attention (usually if I was sick or injured). Lots of guilt trips and blame games. I spent so much of my life trying to please her (do well in school, sports, career, etc) And guess what? It never, ever worked. She is also addicted to painkillers and drinks excessively, which is only helping matters... > > On the positive side, I have an amazing father, who when I was young and her BPD really came out (after the loss of my brother) he was going to divorce her and was told he would not get the children being a man, committed to staying with her and buffering the impact of her disease as much as possible. He and my older brother are why I function at all today. > > So, here I am, getting ready to have my first child in a few months, and I'm struggling with how to establish boundaries with her when our son arrives. We live in Germany, and my parents will be visiting once we have the baby. It is very important that my dad spend time with his grandson, as he is quite ill, and we are not sure how much time is left for him. So, mom will be here no matter what. I'm just so nervous because big changes (overseas trip, new grandchild) always make it easier for an episode to happen, and if she has a screaming fit with my newborn son in the home, I don't know what to do. I've already told her at her last fit that that behavior wouldn't be acceptable when she visits, but, to be honest I guess I'm so scared of her still that I'm nervous about putting up the ultimate boundary and making her leave (and what this would mean for my father's trip) > > Sorry this was so long, but in a way it was cathartic too. TIA for any advice. (oh, and I just ordered Understanding the Borderline Mother, so I'm assuming that will help too) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2010 Report Share Posted August 2, 2010 Hi Louise, Welcome to the Group, and congratulations on your upcoming parenthood. I totally agree with everything said, its great advice. The recommendation to make sure that your parents stay in a hotel/motel/hostel for this visit is important. You need your space and your privacy in your home, and you need a serene, quiet place to retreat to if and when your nada acts out. Keep telling yourself that you do not need your nada's permission, her agreement or her approval to set your very reasonable boundaries about your relationship with her now, because you are equals now. Like Dorothy who had the power all along to take herself back to Kansas, you just have to *assert* your adult power and state the way things are going to be during this visit and from now on. -Annie > > Do not let them stay in your home. Find a hotel. Find an elderhostel. Find someplace for them to stay so that in the event of a meltdown (Nada's or yours), you can all retire to your respective corners. Then you can spend time with your dad on YOUR terms. > > A first baby changes your world - it just does. Unless you've been living in a household with a new infant, you can't foresee how much things will change. The exhaustion, lack of sleep, constant demand for attention when the baby's awake - it's all part of the experience. You'll be lucky to have time to get a shower every day, let alone tiptoe around the minefields laid by your BPD mother. You are going to need backup (your husband) and some really good naps. > > Also - the time to establish boundaries concerning your child is NOW. If you don't want your mom to assume it's OK for her to take your child off in her car for shopping trips, don't agree to let her be alone with the baby - starting with this visit. You don't have to publish a manifesto or anything, just " arrange " that the baby is never left alone with her. Nadas do not respect their adult children, and they do not respect the rules and guidelines we set down for treatment of our children. You have to stand firm, or Nada will do whatever she thinks is " best " with your kid. Trust me on this one. It's not that she'd want to hurt the baby, it's just that she will NOT think it's important to follow your rules regarding food, bedtimes, baths, homework, movie ratings - you name it. And then you're left with an over-tired, over-stimulated child who's spent the day eating sugar and is unable to do his/her spelling homework due the next day. (Can you tell I've been-there-done-that?) > > Sorry to be a downer. Congratulations on the new baby - start being the mother tiger early, and everybody will know you are not to be messed with when it comes to your child. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2010 Report Share Posted August 2, 2010 Hi Louise, Welcome to the Group, and congratulations on your upcoming parenthood. I totally agree with everything said, its great advice. The recommendation to make sure that your parents stay in a hotel/motel/hostel for this visit is important. You need your space and your privacy in your home, and you need a serene, quiet place to retreat to if and when your nada acts out. Keep telling yourself that you do not need your nada's permission, her agreement or her approval to set your very reasonable boundaries about your relationship with her now, because you are equals now. Like Dorothy who had the power all along to take herself back to Kansas, you just have to *assert* your adult power and state the way things are going to be during this visit and from now on. -Annie > > Do not let them stay in your home. Find a hotel. Find an elderhostel. Find someplace for them to stay so that in the event of a meltdown (Nada's or yours), you can all retire to your respective corners. Then you can spend time with your dad on YOUR terms. > > A first baby changes your world - it just does. Unless you've been living in a household with a new infant, you can't foresee how much things will change. The exhaustion, lack of sleep, constant demand for attention when the baby's awake - it's all part of the experience. You'll be lucky to have time to get a shower every day, let alone tiptoe around the minefields laid by your BPD mother. You are going to need backup (your husband) and some really good naps. > > Also - the time to establish boundaries concerning your child is NOW. If you don't want your mom to assume it's OK for her to take your child off in her car for shopping trips, don't agree to let her be alone with the baby - starting with this visit. You don't have to publish a manifesto or anything, just " arrange " that the baby is never left alone with her. Nadas do not respect their adult children, and they do not respect the rules and guidelines we set down for treatment of our children. You have to stand firm, or Nada will do whatever she thinks is " best " with your kid. Trust me on this one. It's not that she'd want to hurt the baby, it's just that she will NOT think it's important to follow your rules regarding food, bedtimes, baths, homework, movie ratings - you name it. And then you're left with an over-tired, over-stimulated child who's spent the day eating sugar and is unable to do his/her spelling homework due the next day. (Can you tell I've been-there-done-that?) > > Sorry to be a downer. Congratulations on the new baby - start being the mother tiger early, and everybody will know you are not to be messed with when it comes to your child. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2010 Report Share Posted August 2, 2010 Hi Louise, Welcome to the Group, and congratulations on your upcoming parenthood. I totally agree with everything said, its great advice. The recommendation to make sure that your parents stay in a hotel/motel/hostel for this visit is important. You need your space and your privacy in your home, and you need a serene, quiet place to retreat to if and when your nada acts out. Keep telling yourself that you do not need your nada's permission, her agreement or her approval to set your very reasonable boundaries about your relationship with her now, because you are equals now. Like Dorothy who had the power all along to take herself back to Kansas, you just have to *assert* your adult power and state the way things are going to be during this visit and from now on. -Annie > > Do not let them stay in your home. Find a hotel. Find an elderhostel. Find someplace for them to stay so that in the event of a meltdown (Nada's or yours), you can all retire to your respective corners. Then you can spend time with your dad on YOUR terms. > > A first baby changes your world - it just does. Unless you've been living in a household with a new infant, you can't foresee how much things will change. The exhaustion, lack of sleep, constant demand for attention when the baby's awake - it's all part of the experience. You'll be lucky to have time to get a shower every day, let alone tiptoe around the minefields laid by your BPD mother. You are going to need backup (your husband) and some really good naps. > > Also - the time to establish boundaries concerning your child is NOW. If you don't want your mom to assume it's OK for her to take your child off in her car for shopping trips, don't agree to let her be alone with the baby - starting with this visit. You don't have to publish a manifesto or anything, just " arrange " that the baby is never left alone with her. Nadas do not respect their adult children, and they do not respect the rules and guidelines we set down for treatment of our children. You have to stand firm, or Nada will do whatever she thinks is " best " with your kid. Trust me on this one. It's not that she'd want to hurt the baby, it's just that she will NOT think it's important to follow your rules regarding food, bedtimes, baths, homework, movie ratings - you name it. And then you're left with an over-tired, over-stimulated child who's spent the day eating sugar and is unable to do his/her spelling homework due the next day. (Can you tell I've been-there-done-that?) > > Sorry to be a downer. Congratulations on the new baby - start being the mother tiger early, and everybody will know you are not to be messed with when it comes to your child. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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