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Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hi Stefanie,

The secret is that you must never ever want or need anything she has. You

have to provide for yourself, mother yourself, love yourself and care for

yourself the way she never did. If you ask her for something, she won't give

it to you because she knows you want it. And that gives her the power. And

as far as feeling you must take her to the airport on crutches etc - who

says you must? Her? She's NOT the boss!!!! She's not God! Set your

boundaries, live your life, read books, get therapy, talk to us, and stop

needing her, trying to please her, doing things for her etc. . she's no kind

of mother and when you accept that she isn't a mother you can move on and

mother yourself.

Well that's my 2 cents. Best and loves, Girlscout

>

>

> Hi all.

>

> I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

>

> My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> her.

>

> Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with her

> because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those for

> me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she never

> worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> chair for me.

>

> Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> scrounge and save.

>

> So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> usually ends up with the girl.

>

> So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

>

> The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

>

> Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> horrifies me!

>

> My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> was to call her.

>

> I'm so confused...

>

> The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but I

> want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when my

> mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

>

> Stefanie

>

>

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Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hi Stefanie,

The secret is that you must never ever want or need anything she has. You

have to provide for yourself, mother yourself, love yourself and care for

yourself the way she never did. If you ask her for something, she won't give

it to you because she knows you want it. And that gives her the power. And

as far as feeling you must take her to the airport on crutches etc - who

says you must? Her? She's NOT the boss!!!! She's not God! Set your

boundaries, live your life, read books, get therapy, talk to us, and stop

needing her, trying to please her, doing things for her etc. . she's no kind

of mother and when you accept that she isn't a mother you can move on and

mother yourself.

Well that's my 2 cents. Best and loves, Girlscout

>

>

> Hi all.

>

> I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

>

> My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> her.

>

> Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with her

> because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those for

> me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she never

> worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> chair for me.

>

> Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> scrounge and save.

>

> So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> usually ends up with the girl.

>

> So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

>

> The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

>

> Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> horrifies me!

>

> My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> was to call her.

>

> I'm so confused...

>

> The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but I

> want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when my

> mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

>

> Stefanie

>

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hi Stefanie,

The secret is that you must never ever want or need anything she has. You

have to provide for yourself, mother yourself, love yourself and care for

yourself the way she never did. If you ask her for something, she won't give

it to you because she knows you want it. And that gives her the power. And

as far as feeling you must take her to the airport on crutches etc - who

says you must? Her? She's NOT the boss!!!! She's not God! Set your

boundaries, live your life, read books, get therapy, talk to us, and stop

needing her, trying to please her, doing things for her etc. . she's no kind

of mother and when you accept that she isn't a mother you can move on and

mother yourself.

Well that's my 2 cents. Best and loves, Girlscout

>

>

> Hi all.

>

> I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

>

> My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> her.

>

> Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with her

> because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those for

> me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she never

> worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> chair for me.

>

> Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> scrounge and save.

>

> So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> usually ends up with the girl.

>

> So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

>

> The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

>

> Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> horrifies me!

>

> My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> was to call her.

>

> I'm so confused...

>

> The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but I

> want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when my

> mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

>

> Stefanie

>

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

((((((Stefanie))))))

I understand how you are feeling. Your whole life has been about trying to

" earn " some love and attention from your mother, trying so hard, but she only

gave love and attention and approval and rewards to your brother. The

unfairness of that is heart-breaking.

Some nadas only identify with and cherish one of their children. The role of

this " golden child " is to carry all the bpd mom's good feelings about herself.

Another child will be assigned the role of the " scapegoat " (aka the " painted

black " , or " all-bad " child). This child carries all of the bpd mom's unwanted

bad feelings and opinions about herself. Its all about nada, or bpd-mom, as

usual.

The assignments are made for reasons only the person with bpd knows, but I

imagine that at least some of this role-assigning behavior is subconscious. The

bottom line is that the person with bpd is unable to relate to her children as

the individual human beings that they actually are; instead her children are

merely reflections of herself, or objects that she assigns roles to. So how you

are treated by your bpd mother has little or nothing to do with who you are as a

person, or what you have or haven't done, or how " good " or " bad " you are.

So you and your brother are more like props in her own internal stage play

starring nada, than anything else.

Its heart-breaking to finally realize that it doesn't matter how hard you try,

that your bpd mom isn't going to think any better of you.

I think its understandable for you to want to receive your fair share of her

material goods when she passes away, but if you set your whole mind and heart on

this reward my guess is that you are likely to be hurt and disappointed. My

suggestion is to not set yourself up for this disappointment and make the

emotional break now. You've already been shown that your mother will give your

brother anything he asks for, and so she will probably leave him all her

material goods in her will, if there is anything left when she passes away.

If you can decide, or choose to decide that there is nothing you want or need

from your mother, at all, neither her love nor her material goods, then I think

you will wind up in a more peaceful place about it.

Just my two cents worth. Each person has to decide what she or he can live with,

can tolerate, or not. Its an individual choice.

-Annie

>

> Hi all.

>

> I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

>

> My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> her.

>

> Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with her

> because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those for

> me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she never

> worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> chair for me.

>

>

> Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> scrounge and save.

>

> So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> usually ends up with the girl.

>

> So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

>

> The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

>

> Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> horrifies me!

>

> My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> was to call her.

>

> I'm so confused...

>

> The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but I

> want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when my

> mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

>

> Stefanie

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

((((((Stefanie))))))

I understand how you are feeling. Your whole life has been about trying to

" earn " some love and attention from your mother, trying so hard, but she only

gave love and attention and approval and rewards to your brother. The

unfairness of that is heart-breaking.

Some nadas only identify with and cherish one of their children. The role of

this " golden child " is to carry all the bpd mom's good feelings about herself.

Another child will be assigned the role of the " scapegoat " (aka the " painted

black " , or " all-bad " child). This child carries all of the bpd mom's unwanted

bad feelings and opinions about herself. Its all about nada, or bpd-mom, as

usual.

The assignments are made for reasons only the person with bpd knows, but I

imagine that at least some of this role-assigning behavior is subconscious. The

bottom line is that the person with bpd is unable to relate to her children as

the individual human beings that they actually are; instead her children are

merely reflections of herself, or objects that she assigns roles to. So how you

are treated by your bpd mother has little or nothing to do with who you are as a

person, or what you have or haven't done, or how " good " or " bad " you are.

So you and your brother are more like props in her own internal stage play

starring nada, than anything else.

Its heart-breaking to finally realize that it doesn't matter how hard you try,

that your bpd mom isn't going to think any better of you.

I think its understandable for you to want to receive your fair share of her

material goods when she passes away, but if you set your whole mind and heart on

this reward my guess is that you are likely to be hurt and disappointed. My

suggestion is to not set yourself up for this disappointment and make the

emotional break now. You've already been shown that your mother will give your

brother anything he asks for, and so she will probably leave him all her

material goods in her will, if there is anything left when she passes away.

If you can decide, or choose to decide that there is nothing you want or need

from your mother, at all, neither her love nor her material goods, then I think

you will wind up in a more peaceful place about it.

Just my two cents worth. Each person has to decide what she or he can live with,

can tolerate, or not. Its an individual choice.

-Annie

>

> Hi all.

>

> I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

>

> My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> her.

>

> Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with her

> because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those for

> me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she never

> worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> chair for me.

>

>

> Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> scrounge and save.

>

> So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> usually ends up with the girl.

>

> So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

>

> The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

>

> Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> horrifies me!

>

> My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> was to call her.

>

> I'm so confused...

>

> The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but I

> want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when my

> mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

>

> Stefanie

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

((((((Stefanie))))))

I understand how you are feeling. Your whole life has been about trying to

" earn " some love and attention from your mother, trying so hard, but she only

gave love and attention and approval and rewards to your brother. The

unfairness of that is heart-breaking.

Some nadas only identify with and cherish one of their children. The role of

this " golden child " is to carry all the bpd mom's good feelings about herself.

Another child will be assigned the role of the " scapegoat " (aka the " painted

black " , or " all-bad " child). This child carries all of the bpd mom's unwanted

bad feelings and opinions about herself. Its all about nada, or bpd-mom, as

usual.

The assignments are made for reasons only the person with bpd knows, but I

imagine that at least some of this role-assigning behavior is subconscious. The

bottom line is that the person with bpd is unable to relate to her children as

the individual human beings that they actually are; instead her children are

merely reflections of herself, or objects that she assigns roles to. So how you

are treated by your bpd mother has little or nothing to do with who you are as a

person, or what you have or haven't done, or how " good " or " bad " you are.

So you and your brother are more like props in her own internal stage play

starring nada, than anything else.

Its heart-breaking to finally realize that it doesn't matter how hard you try,

that your bpd mom isn't going to think any better of you.

I think its understandable for you to want to receive your fair share of her

material goods when she passes away, but if you set your whole mind and heart on

this reward my guess is that you are likely to be hurt and disappointed. My

suggestion is to not set yourself up for this disappointment and make the

emotional break now. You've already been shown that your mother will give your

brother anything he asks for, and so she will probably leave him all her

material goods in her will, if there is anything left when she passes away.

If you can decide, or choose to decide that there is nothing you want or need

from your mother, at all, neither her love nor her material goods, then I think

you will wind up in a more peaceful place about it.

Just my two cents worth. Each person has to decide what she or he can live with,

can tolerate, or not. Its an individual choice.

-Annie

>

> Hi all.

>

> I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

>

> My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> her.

>

> Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with her

> because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those for

> me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she never

> worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> chair for me.

>

>

> Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> scrounge and save.

>

> So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> usually ends up with the girl.

>

> So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

>

> The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

>

> Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> horrifies me!

>

> My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> was to call her.

>

> I'm so confused...

>

> The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but I

> want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when my

> mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

>

> Stefanie

>

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Posted
Posted

My mother has the same thing going with my brothers. Honestly with female

borderlines I think there is a bit of an incestuous thing going on with their

sons. It's gross. As a female they just see you as competition to take their

male attention away. If they have been a survivor of sexual abuse, which a whole

lot of female borderlines have, they sometimes have more of a tendency to be

sexualized and see the world this way. And then their is the whole triangle with

their own mother who may have known what was going on and treated them with the

same contempt, as competition, that they treat their own daughters. She pretends

not to know, but on some level she knows, and on that level the daughter is

competition. Even if that scenario isn't the case the sons still don't give them

any self-doubt or remind them of their own aging process or anything like that.

I think alot of borderlines who are mothers of daughters are just so bankrupt

that they are almost incapable of feeling any love at all for a daughter.

>

> Hi all.

>

> I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

>

> My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> her.

>

> Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with her

> because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those for

> me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she never

> worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> chair for me.

>

>

> Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> scrounge and save.

>

> So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> usually ends up with the girl.

>

> So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

>

> The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

>

> Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> horrifies me!

>

> My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> was to call her.

>

> I'm so confused...

>

> The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but I

> want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when my

> mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

>

> Stefanie

>

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Posted
Posted

Stefanie-

I can totally understand why you want something from her. It would be so

natural, wouldn't it, to get some bit of material history passed down, like

someone in a normal family?

My mom has this weird thing of giving me exactly what I don't want. Weird,

trashy stuff that she saved up for me. Dolls I never played with because they

creeped me out. A worthless cotton rug someone gave her years ago. Stuff that

belonged to her mom, whom I never liked much. Big, awkward stuff that my mom had

no use for.

But if I ask for something, like family photos, I'm always turned down. I've had

to steal a few childhood photos of myself, though she's happy to give me

xeroxes, or " funny " ones in which I look ugly or am doing something

embarrassing.

A couple of years ago they were talking about what to do with their stuff when I

died. I said look, I'll make it easy on you. Give my bro more than half of your

money, give him your house, give him all your stuff. I'm married, he's not, and

I have savings, he doesn't. He's screwed up and has trouble keeping a job, I run

my own business and save my money.

In terms of material items, I'd like X and Y. I named two things of little

value, that meant nothing to anyone but me. X she refused to part with (though

she didn't even remember what it WAS until I described it 5 or 6 times), Y she

immediately consulted my BPD bro about.

He of course, decided he wanted it, though he too had to be reminded of its

existence. Then they both decided that I should STORE this item at my house,

" until he bought a house someday " . with the caveat that I could never touch it,

use it, or open the box, but must keep it carefully set aside for him.

WTF!

Of course, I refused and was then accused of bitchiness.

To make it up to me, mom sent me a broken, ugly, far less valuable version of

the coveted item, and suggested that I repair it.

I've learned to want nothing, expect nothing.

Letty

> > >

> > > Hi all.

> > >

> > > I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> > > peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

> > >

> > > My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> > > and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> > > different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> > > her.

> > >

> > > Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with her

> > > because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> > > gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> > > my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> > > when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> > > in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> > > dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those for

> > > me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> > > party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> > > never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> > > bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> > > failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> > > out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> > > and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she never

> > > worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> > > unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> > > would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> > > house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> > > nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> > > tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> > > asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> > > has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> > > her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> > > surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> > > surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> > > her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> > > When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> > > chair for me.

> > >

> > >

> > > Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> > > I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> > > are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> > > since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> > > treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> > > more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> > > scrounge and save.

> > >

> > > So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> > > into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> > > wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> > > image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> > > him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> > > told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> > > them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> > > usually ends up with the girl.

> > >

> > > So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

> > >

> > > The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> > > why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> > > this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

> > >

> > > Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> > > a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> > > horrifies me!

> > >

> > > My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> > > forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> > > I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> > > was to call her.

> > >

> > > I'm so confused...

> > >

> > > The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but I

> > > want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> > > The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when my

> > > mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

> > >

> > > Stefanie

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

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Posted
Posted

Stefanie-

I can totally understand why you want something from her. It would be so

natural, wouldn't it, to get some bit of material history passed down, like

someone in a normal family?

My mom has this weird thing of giving me exactly what I don't want. Weird,

trashy stuff that she saved up for me. Dolls I never played with because they

creeped me out. A worthless cotton rug someone gave her years ago. Stuff that

belonged to her mom, whom I never liked much. Big, awkward stuff that my mom had

no use for.

But if I ask for something, like family photos, I'm always turned down. I've had

to steal a few childhood photos of myself, though she's happy to give me

xeroxes, or " funny " ones in which I look ugly or am doing something

embarrassing.

A couple of years ago they were talking about what to do with their stuff when I

died. I said look, I'll make it easy on you. Give my bro more than half of your

money, give him your house, give him all your stuff. I'm married, he's not, and

I have savings, he doesn't. He's screwed up and has trouble keeping a job, I run

my own business and save my money.

In terms of material items, I'd like X and Y. I named two things of little

value, that meant nothing to anyone but me. X she refused to part with (though

she didn't even remember what it WAS until I described it 5 or 6 times), Y she

immediately consulted my BPD bro about.

He of course, decided he wanted it, though he too had to be reminded of its

existence. Then they both decided that I should STORE this item at my house,

" until he bought a house someday " . with the caveat that I could never touch it,

use it, or open the box, but must keep it carefully set aside for him.

WTF!

Of course, I refused and was then accused of bitchiness.

To make it up to me, mom sent me a broken, ugly, far less valuable version of

the coveted item, and suggested that I repair it.

I've learned to want nothing, expect nothing.

Letty

> > >

> > > Hi all.

> > >

> > > I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> > > peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

> > >

> > > My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> > > and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> > > different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> > > her.

> > >

> > > Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with her

> > > because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> > > gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> > > my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> > > when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> > > in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> > > dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those for

> > > me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> > > party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> > > never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> > > bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> > > failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> > > out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> > > and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she never

> > > worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> > > unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> > > would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> > > house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> > > nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> > > tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> > > asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> > > has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> > > her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> > > surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> > > surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> > > her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> > > When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> > > chair for me.

> > >

> > >

> > > Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> > > I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> > > are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> > > since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> > > treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> > > more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> > > scrounge and save.

> > >

> > > So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> > > into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> > > wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> > > image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> > > him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> > > told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> > > them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> > > usually ends up with the girl.

> > >

> > > So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

> > >

> > > The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> > > why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> > > this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

> > >

> > > Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> > > a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> > > horrifies me!

> > >

> > > My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> > > forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> > > I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> > > was to call her.

> > >

> > > I'm so confused...

> > >

> > > The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but I

> > > want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> > > The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when my

> > > mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

> > >

> > > Stefanie

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

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Posted
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After my father died I requested to be given an item that had belonged to him,

that he had made himself, and that my nada had never particularly liked. She'd

not only said so, She'd chosen not to display it for decades before he died.

But after I asked for it, my nada decided to keep this item and display it

herself instead of giving it to me.

It seems clearer and clearer to me as I have experienced these things, these

acts intended to hurt me or dismiss me, the deliberateness of the acts, these

acts intended to ignore my feelings and requests... it becomes more and more

clear to me that a person doesn't behave this way toward someone they love.

My nada does not love me.

She instead delights in tormenting me. When I was still in contact with her,

she would go out of her way to say mean, cruel things to me intended to insult

me and hurt my feelings. That isn't love. Its quite the opposite.

As children we are incapable of perceiving that we are not loved but merely

tolerated, or that we're being cared for with thinly-disguised resentment. We

as children have no objectivity and no experience, we are abjectly innocent and

trusting, and out of sheer survival instinct we are hardwired to believe that

the person who gave birth to us and feeds us loves us and cares for us, no

matter that she also treats us like a piece of garbage, frightens us, terrorizes

us, shames us, humiliates us, ignores us, beats us, abandons us, or uses and

exploits us.

How we are treated as children by our mothers becomes our definition of what

" love " is, seemingly. Or it seems to us that this pale, ghostlike, ephemeral,

occasional attention and affection is all we deserve.

But as an adult I have come to understand and experience that friends (including

my Sister) who actually do care for me go out of their way to *not* hurt my

feelings. My friends care about how I feel. They try to cheer me up or make me

feel better about things, about myself. They hug me, they tell me to believe in

myself, and they tell me to have hope. And its without strings!

I have come to understand that these selfless acts of kindness and support are

actually what love is. I appreciate their heartfelt, true caring more than I

can say. And when I do the same for them, its not out of obligation, it is not

done with the object of gaining some kind of advantage over them that they are

obliged to pay back, its simply because I want to help them and make them happy.

Its because I love my friends.

How my own mother treats me is not what love is. God only knows what it actually

is, but its sure as hell is not love.

Instead, I'm guessing its some kind of feeling of obligation or duty, or maybe

she feels that I am her possession, or that I am just an extension of herself,

or some kind of investment that is supposed to pay off. She intermittently acts

in ways that appear loving on the surface, but there is always a price tag

attached to these acts. In return I am supposed to bring her status, or

bragging rights, or something. Who knows? Maybe I am supposed to pay off, like

a slot machine.

That's not love.

" Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no

record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. "

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > Hi all.

> > > >

> > > > I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> > > > peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

> > > >

> > > > My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> > > > and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> > > > different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> > > > her.

> > > >

> > > > Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with her

> > > > because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> > > > gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> > > > my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> > > > when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> > > > in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> > > > dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those for

> > > > me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> > > > party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> > > > never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> > > > bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> > > > failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> > > > out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> > > > and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she never

> > > > worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> > > > unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> > > > would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> > > > house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> > > > nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> > > > tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> > > > asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> > > > has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> > > > her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> > > > surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> > > > surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> > > > her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> > > > When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> > > > chair for me.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> > > > I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> > > > are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> > > > since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> > > > treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> > > > more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> > > > scrounge and save.

> > > >

> > > > So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> > > > into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> > > > wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> > > > image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> > > > him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> > > > told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> > > > them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> > > > usually ends up with the girl.

> > > >

> > > > So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

> > > >

> > > > The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> > > > why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> > > > this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

> > > >

> > > > Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> > > > a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> > > > horrifies me!

> > > >

> > > > My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> > > > forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> > > > I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> > > > was to call her.

> > > >

> > > > I'm so confused...

> > > >

> > > > The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but I

> > > > want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> > > > The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when my

> > > > mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

> > > >

> > > > Stefanie

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

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Posted
Posted

After my father died I requested to be given an item that had belonged to him,

that he had made himself, and that my nada had never particularly liked. She'd

not only said so, She'd chosen not to display it for decades before he died.

But after I asked for it, my nada decided to keep this item and display it

herself instead of giving it to me.

It seems clearer and clearer to me as I have experienced these things, these

acts intended to hurt me or dismiss me, the deliberateness of the acts, these

acts intended to ignore my feelings and requests... it becomes more and more

clear to me that a person doesn't behave this way toward someone they love.

My nada does not love me.

She instead delights in tormenting me. When I was still in contact with her,

she would go out of her way to say mean, cruel things to me intended to insult

me and hurt my feelings. That isn't love. Its quite the opposite.

As children we are incapable of perceiving that we are not loved but merely

tolerated, or that we're being cared for with thinly-disguised resentment. We

as children have no objectivity and no experience, we are abjectly innocent and

trusting, and out of sheer survival instinct we are hardwired to believe that

the person who gave birth to us and feeds us loves us and cares for us, no

matter that she also treats us like a piece of garbage, frightens us, terrorizes

us, shames us, humiliates us, ignores us, beats us, abandons us, or uses and

exploits us.

How we are treated as children by our mothers becomes our definition of what

" love " is, seemingly. Or it seems to us that this pale, ghostlike, ephemeral,

occasional attention and affection is all we deserve.

But as an adult I have come to understand and experience that friends (including

my Sister) who actually do care for me go out of their way to *not* hurt my

feelings. My friends care about how I feel. They try to cheer me up or make me

feel better about things, about myself. They hug me, they tell me to believe in

myself, and they tell me to have hope. And its without strings!

I have come to understand that these selfless acts of kindness and support are

actually what love is. I appreciate their heartfelt, true caring more than I

can say. And when I do the same for them, its not out of obligation, it is not

done with the object of gaining some kind of advantage over them that they are

obliged to pay back, its simply because I want to help them and make them happy.

Its because I love my friends.

How my own mother treats me is not what love is. God only knows what it actually

is, but its sure as hell is not love.

Instead, I'm guessing its some kind of feeling of obligation or duty, or maybe

she feels that I am her possession, or that I am just an extension of herself,

or some kind of investment that is supposed to pay off. She intermittently acts

in ways that appear loving on the surface, but there is always a price tag

attached to these acts. In return I am supposed to bring her status, or

bragging rights, or something. Who knows? Maybe I am supposed to pay off, like

a slot machine.

That's not love.

" Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no

record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. "

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > Hi all.

> > > >

> > > > I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> > > > peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

> > > >

> > > > My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> > > > and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> > > > different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> > > > her.

> > > >

> > > > Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with her

> > > > because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> > > > gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> > > > my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> > > > when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> > > > in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> > > > dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those for

> > > > me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> > > > party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> > > > never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> > > > bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> > > > failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> > > > out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> > > > and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she never

> > > > worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> > > > unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> > > > would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> > > > house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> > > > nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> > > > tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> > > > asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> > > > has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> > > > her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> > > > surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> > > > surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> > > > her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> > > > When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> > > > chair for me.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> > > > I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> > > > are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> > > > since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> > > > treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> > > > more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> > > > scrounge and save.

> > > >

> > > > So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> > > > into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> > > > wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> > > > image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> > > > him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> > > > told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> > > > them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> > > > usually ends up with the girl.

> > > >

> > > > So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

> > > >

> > > > The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> > > > why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> > > > this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

> > > >

> > > > Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> > > > a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> > > > horrifies me!

> > > >

> > > > My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> > > > forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> > > > I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> > > > was to call her.

> > > >

> > > > I'm so confused...

> > > >

> > > > The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but I

> > > > want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> > > > The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when my

> > > > mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

> > > >

> > > > Stefanie

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

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Posted
Posted

After my father died I requested to be given an item that had belonged to him,

that he had made himself, and that my nada had never particularly liked. She'd

not only said so, She'd chosen not to display it for decades before he died.

But after I asked for it, my nada decided to keep this item and display it

herself instead of giving it to me.

It seems clearer and clearer to me as I have experienced these things, these

acts intended to hurt me or dismiss me, the deliberateness of the acts, these

acts intended to ignore my feelings and requests... it becomes more and more

clear to me that a person doesn't behave this way toward someone they love.

My nada does not love me.

She instead delights in tormenting me. When I was still in contact with her,

she would go out of her way to say mean, cruel things to me intended to insult

me and hurt my feelings. That isn't love. Its quite the opposite.

As children we are incapable of perceiving that we are not loved but merely

tolerated, or that we're being cared for with thinly-disguised resentment. We

as children have no objectivity and no experience, we are abjectly innocent and

trusting, and out of sheer survival instinct we are hardwired to believe that

the person who gave birth to us and feeds us loves us and cares for us, no

matter that she also treats us like a piece of garbage, frightens us, terrorizes

us, shames us, humiliates us, ignores us, beats us, abandons us, or uses and

exploits us.

How we are treated as children by our mothers becomes our definition of what

" love " is, seemingly. Or it seems to us that this pale, ghostlike, ephemeral,

occasional attention and affection is all we deserve.

But as an adult I have come to understand and experience that friends (including

my Sister) who actually do care for me go out of their way to *not* hurt my

feelings. My friends care about how I feel. They try to cheer me up or make me

feel better about things, about myself. They hug me, they tell me to believe in

myself, and they tell me to have hope. And its without strings!

I have come to understand that these selfless acts of kindness and support are

actually what love is. I appreciate their heartfelt, true caring more than I

can say. And when I do the same for them, its not out of obligation, it is not

done with the object of gaining some kind of advantage over them that they are

obliged to pay back, its simply because I want to help them and make them happy.

Its because I love my friends.

How my own mother treats me is not what love is. God only knows what it actually

is, but its sure as hell is not love.

Instead, I'm guessing its some kind of feeling of obligation or duty, or maybe

she feels that I am her possession, or that I am just an extension of herself,

or some kind of investment that is supposed to pay off. She intermittently acts

in ways that appear loving on the surface, but there is always a price tag

attached to these acts. In return I am supposed to bring her status, or

bragging rights, or something. Who knows? Maybe I am supposed to pay off, like

a slot machine.

That's not love.

" Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no

record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. "

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > Hi all.

> > > >

> > > > I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> > > > peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

> > > >

> > > > My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> > > > and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> > > > different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> > > > her.

> > > >

> > > > Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with her

> > > > because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> > > > gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> > > > my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> > > > when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> > > > in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> > > > dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those for

> > > > me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> > > > party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> > > > never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> > > > bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> > > > failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> > > > out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> > > > and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she never

> > > > worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> > > > unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> > > > would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> > > > house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> > > > nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> > > > tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> > > > asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> > > > has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> > > > her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> > > > surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> > > > surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> > > > her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> > > > When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> > > > chair for me.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> > > > I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> > > > are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> > > > since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> > > > treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> > > > more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> > > > scrounge and save.

> > > >

> > > > So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> > > > into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> > > > wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> > > > image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> > > > him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> > > > told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> > > > them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> > > > usually ends up with the girl.

> > > >

> > > > So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

> > > >

> > > > The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> > > > why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> > > > this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

> > > >

> > > > Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> > > > a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> > > > horrifies me!

> > > >

> > > > My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> > > > forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> > > > I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> > > > was to call her.

> > > >

> > > > I'm so confused...

> > > >

> > > > The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but I

> > > > want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> > > > The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when my

> > > > mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

> > > >

> > > > Stefanie

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

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Posted
Posted

Exactly. The " holy grail " of truth here as far as I personally am concerned, my

bottom line is that I noticed a level of peace and emotional pain reduction when

*I stopped needing* anything from my nada.

As long as *I* wanted something from her: approval, appreciation, an item that

had been dad's, emotional support or validation, mere consideration for my

feelings, saying that she liked a present I'd given her without denigrating it

in some way... that was giving her power over me.

A couple of months ago I had to briefly attend a family event that I couldn't

get out of, knowing that nada would be there also. I determined that for

myself, I would be pleasant and polite but not engaging (aka " medium chill " ) I

kept track of the number of stealth insults, open insults, whiny pleas,

complaints, accusations, innuendos, etc. directed at me over the two-day event.

She behaved better than I expected, but the hostility was under there, seeping

out of her like a faint stench.

There is still (apparently) this underlying, deep-seated need that my nada has

to either totally dominate me, or hurt me. She needs me to be subservient to

her; she needs to humiliate and shame me. She used to do that by using her rage

and physical abuse (I grew up physically terrified of her) but now she tries to

control me by inflicting guilt or by trying to pick a fight with me and then

blame me for defending myself (making her the victim) or by sobbing and playing

on my empathy... but when none of those tactics work she needs to hurl insults

at me.

That's not love. This need to dominate or to damage is not loving behavior, not

by a long shot.

My nada has a lot of narcissistic pd traits as well as her bpd traits, so I

think the spoiled, indulged, badly-raised, tantrum-pitching 4 year old analogy

works well for the narcissistic components of her bpd/npd mental illness.

-Annie

>

> It always seems to me that the female BPD is basically a rude 5 year old

> girl whose parent's havent taught her right and wrong, to share, to be kind

> etc. . . I just want to scream, " GROW UP!!! "

>

> Okay I feel better. Sorry for the outburst. Sorry that your moms are such

> bitches. i'd like to slap them all right across the face. But it is better

> if we just turn our backs and go about our business of creating lives for

> ourselves without their interference. My secret is to want nothing that she

> has or can control.

>

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Share on other sites
Guest guest

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Posted
Posted

Exactly. The " holy grail " of truth here as far as I personally am concerned, my

bottom line is that I noticed a level of peace and emotional pain reduction when

*I stopped needing* anything from my nada.

As long as *I* wanted something from her: approval, appreciation, an item that

had been dad's, emotional support or validation, mere consideration for my

feelings, saying that she liked a present I'd given her without denigrating it

in some way... that was giving her power over me.

A couple of months ago I had to briefly attend a family event that I couldn't

get out of, knowing that nada would be there also. I determined that for

myself, I would be pleasant and polite but not engaging (aka " medium chill " ) I

kept track of the number of stealth insults, open insults, whiny pleas,

complaints, accusations, innuendos, etc. directed at me over the two-day event.

She behaved better than I expected, but the hostility was under there, seeping

out of her like a faint stench.

There is still (apparently) this underlying, deep-seated need that my nada has

to either totally dominate me, or hurt me. She needs me to be subservient to

her; she needs to humiliate and shame me. She used to do that by using her rage

and physical abuse (I grew up physically terrified of her) but now she tries to

control me by inflicting guilt or by trying to pick a fight with me and then

blame me for defending myself (making her the victim) or by sobbing and playing

on my empathy... but when none of those tactics work she needs to hurl insults

at me.

That's not love. This need to dominate or to damage is not loving behavior, not

by a long shot.

My nada has a lot of narcissistic pd traits as well as her bpd traits, so I

think the spoiled, indulged, badly-raised, tantrum-pitching 4 year old analogy

works well for the narcissistic components of her bpd/npd mental illness.

-Annie

>

> It always seems to me that the female BPD is basically a rude 5 year old

> girl whose parent's havent taught her right and wrong, to share, to be kind

> etc. . . I just want to scream, " GROW UP!!! "

>

> Okay I feel better. Sorry for the outburst. Sorry that your moms are such

> bitches. i'd like to slap them all right across the face. But it is better

> if we just turn our backs and go about our business of creating lives for

> ourselves without their interference. My secret is to want nothing that she

> has or can control.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Exactly. The " holy grail " of truth here as far as I personally am concerned, my

bottom line is that I noticed a level of peace and emotional pain reduction when

*I stopped needing* anything from my nada.

As long as *I* wanted something from her: approval, appreciation, an item that

had been dad's, emotional support or validation, mere consideration for my

feelings, saying that she liked a present I'd given her without denigrating it

in some way... that was giving her power over me.

A couple of months ago I had to briefly attend a family event that I couldn't

get out of, knowing that nada would be there also. I determined that for

myself, I would be pleasant and polite but not engaging (aka " medium chill " ) I

kept track of the number of stealth insults, open insults, whiny pleas,

complaints, accusations, innuendos, etc. directed at me over the two-day event.

She behaved better than I expected, but the hostility was under there, seeping

out of her like a faint stench.

There is still (apparently) this underlying, deep-seated need that my nada has

to either totally dominate me, or hurt me. She needs me to be subservient to

her; she needs to humiliate and shame me. She used to do that by using her rage

and physical abuse (I grew up physically terrified of her) but now she tries to

control me by inflicting guilt or by trying to pick a fight with me and then

blame me for defending myself (making her the victim) or by sobbing and playing

on my empathy... but when none of those tactics work she needs to hurl insults

at me.

That's not love. This need to dominate or to damage is not loving behavior, not

by a long shot.

My nada has a lot of narcissistic pd traits as well as her bpd traits, so I

think the spoiled, indulged, badly-raised, tantrum-pitching 4 year old analogy

works well for the narcissistic components of her bpd/npd mental illness.

-Annie

>

> It always seems to me that the female BPD is basically a rude 5 year old

> girl whose parent's havent taught her right and wrong, to share, to be kind

> etc. . . I just want to scream, " GROW UP!!! "

>

> Okay I feel better. Sorry for the outburst. Sorry that your moms are such

> bitches. i'd like to slap them all right across the face. But it is better

> if we just turn our backs and go about our business of creating lives for

> ourselves without their interference. My secret is to want nothing that she

> has or can control.

>

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