The little things- the big things- the fog- the entitlement- the life of a KO

[Guest guest]

My head is full of a lot right now- thank goodness I have therapy this week!

I somehow am not confused- but tired of being a KO- always having the ugliness

of a nada or fada to till with. Yet I am not brave enough or ready to go LC or

NC- so I realize I choose to deal with things the way they are.

This week was my bday- and apparently nada was irritated with me for the choices

I was making prior too and on my bday. My bday dinner was uncomfortable for me-

and I could feel the resentment and angry building inside of me- because nada

was being so self-absorbed and her continually slamning me for whatever I said

or did. She had such a sense of entitlement. Payback is a bitch for not

following nada's rules. It took about 2 hours- and then things calmed down- and

as I write 2 hours- I wonder why I waited 2 hours. My daughter asked me to stay

calm through nada's bs and I really didn't want a useless confrontion with no

real changes.

So I say to myself is this sense of entitlement a BP thing or a Narcissist

thing? I don't know- or do the 2 personality disorders both encompass the

entitlement and self absorption- either way it is wrong.

So I had licked my wounds about my birthday- saw my parents on Saturday and I

told nada I had so many fresh vegetables that I would be making vegetable soup

and share with her. She thought that was great. However tomorrow is my first day

back to school with my students- this was a busy weekend- In my mind I wasn't

sure when I really was making the soup.

Nada though asked me if she could have the soup to her by Tuesday- because that

would be a good dinner for her and my father to have on that day because they

had their blood work on Wed- WTF- I would never have the nerve to say something

like that- and of I course made the soup. I also made sauce and meatball- called

Nada and told her I had meals for my father and her. Nada thanked me but then

she said is there pasta too go with those meatballs! Again- I felt like just be

happy for the meals- but there is always something. If it isn't the sense of

entitlement- there is a put down or a negative thought about someone or

something.

So I become emotionally exhausted dealing with everything- and sometimes it

isn't one thing- it is the building of all those little things that I continue

to say I am letting go- or at least I thing I am that - make me so drained and

left- not like who I could but rather who I am a KO dealing with nada.

Thanks for letting me vent- that is a wonderful feeling to just say what builds

up inside of me. I have tried actually telling nada my feelings but my FOG

always keeps me coming back.

Malinda

[Guest guest]

Malinda,

You say you're not brave enough to go LC or NC, but I wonder if

you've considered that doing so isn't necessarily any braver

than staying in contact. Staying in contact without losing it is

hard. You have to be strong to do it.

The other thing worth considering is that you don't have to all

of a sudden go LC or NC. You can gradually reduce the amount of

contact you have and the amount of ugliness you put up with.

Doing it all of a sudden is a daunting prospect, but maybe you

could manage it by slowly sticking up for yourself in small

steps. You could start by not agreeing to do special cooking at

her demand. If you don't mention what you're cooking to her in

advance, you'll give her less opportunity to make additional

demands about it.

At 04:59 PM 08/29/2010 maparise17 wrote:

>My head is full of a lot right now- thank goodness I have

>therapy this week!

>

>I somehow am not confused- but tired of being a KO- always

>having the ugliness of a nada or fada to till with. Yet I am

>not brave enough or ready to go LC or NC- so I realize I choose

>to deal with things the way they are.

>

>This week was my bday- and apparently nada was irritated with

>me for the choices I was making prior too and on my bday. My

>bday dinner was uncomfortable for me- and I could feel the

>resentment and angry building inside of me- because nada was

>being so self-absorbed and her continually slamning me for

>whatever I said or did. She had such a sense of entitlement.

>Payback is a bitch for not following nada's rules. It took

>about 2 hours- and then things calmed down- and as I write 2

>hours- I wonder why I waited 2 hours. My daughter asked me to

>stay calm through nada's bs and I really didn't want a useless

>confrontion with no real changes.

>

>So I say to myself is this sense of entitlement a BP thing or a

>Narcissist thing? I don't know- or do the 2 personality

>disorders both encompass the entitlement and self absorption-

>either way it is wrong.

>

>

>So I had licked my wounds about my birthday- saw my parents on

>Saturday and I told nada I had so many fresh vegetables that I

>would be making vegetable soup and share with her. She thought

>that was great. However tomorrow is my first day back to school

>with my students- this was a busy weekend- In my mind I wasn't

>sure when I really was making the soup.

>

>Nada though asked me if she could have the soup to her by

>Tuesday- because that would be a good dinner for her and my

>father to have on that day because they had their blood work on

>Wed- WTF- I would never have the nerve to say something like

>that- and of I course made the soup. I also made sauce and

>meatball- called Nada and told her I had meals for my father

>and her. Nada thanked me but then she said is there pasta too

>go with those meatballs! Again- I felt like just be happy for

>the meals- but there is always something. If it isn't the sense

>of entitlement- there is a put down or a negative thought about

>someone or something.

>

>So I become emotionally exhausted dealing with everything- and

>sometimes it isn't one thing- it is the building of all those

>little things that I continue to say I am letting go- or at

>least I thing I am that - make me so drained and left- not like

>who I could but rather who I am a KO dealing with nada.

>

>

>Thanks for letting me vent- that is a wonderful feeling to just

>say what builds up inside of me. I have tried actually telling

>nada my feelings but my FOG always keeps me coming back.

>

>Malinda

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Malinda,

You say you're not brave enough to go LC or NC, but I wonder if

you've considered that doing so isn't necessarily any braver

than staying in contact. Staying in contact without losing it is

hard. You have to be strong to do it.

The other thing worth considering is that you don't have to all

of a sudden go LC or NC. You can gradually reduce the amount of

contact you have and the amount of ugliness you put up with.

Doing it all of a sudden is a daunting prospect, but maybe you

could manage it by slowly sticking up for yourself in small

steps. You could start by not agreeing to do special cooking at

her demand. If you don't mention what you're cooking to her in

advance, you'll give her less opportunity to make additional

demands about it.

At 04:59 PM 08/29/2010 maparise17 wrote:

>My head is full of a lot right now- thank goodness I have

>therapy this week!

>

>I somehow am not confused- but tired of being a KO- always

>having the ugliness of a nada or fada to till with. Yet I am

>not brave enough or ready to go LC or NC- so I realize I choose

>to deal with things the way they are.

>

>This week was my bday- and apparently nada was irritated with

>me for the choices I was making prior too and on my bday. My

>bday dinner was uncomfortable for me- and I could feel the

>resentment and angry building inside of me- because nada was

>being so self-absorbed and her continually slamning me for

>whatever I said or did. She had such a sense of entitlement.

>Payback is a bitch for not following nada's rules. It took

>about 2 hours- and then things calmed down- and as I write 2

>hours- I wonder why I waited 2 hours. My daughter asked me to

>stay calm through nada's bs and I really didn't want a useless

>confrontion with no real changes.

>

>So I say to myself is this sense of entitlement a BP thing or a

>Narcissist thing? I don't know- or do the 2 personality

>disorders both encompass the entitlement and self absorption-

>either way it is wrong.

>

>

>So I had licked my wounds about my birthday- saw my parents on

>Saturday and I told nada I had so many fresh vegetables that I

>would be making vegetable soup and share with her. She thought

>that was great. However tomorrow is my first day back to school

>with my students- this was a busy weekend- In my mind I wasn't

>sure when I really was making the soup.

>

>Nada though asked me if she could have the soup to her by

>Tuesday- because that would be a good dinner for her and my

>father to have on that day because they had their blood work on

>Wed- WTF- I would never have the nerve to say something like

>that- and of I course made the soup. I also made sauce and

>meatball- called Nada and told her I had meals for my father

>and her. Nada thanked me but then she said is there pasta too

>go with those meatballs! Again- I felt like just be happy for

>the meals- but there is always something. If it isn't the sense

>of entitlement- there is a put down or a negative thought about

>someone or something.

>

>So I become emotionally exhausted dealing with everything- and

>sometimes it isn't one thing- it is the building of all those

>little things that I continue to say I am letting go- or at

>least I thing I am that - make me so drained and left- not like

>who I could but rather who I am a KO dealing with nada.

>

>

>Thanks for letting me vent- that is a wonderful feeling to just

>say what builds up inside of me. I have tried actually telling

>nada my feelings but my FOG always keeps me coming back.

>

>Malinda

--

Katrina