The little things- the big things- the fog- the entitlement- the life of a KO

[Guest guest]

My head is full of a lot right now- thank goodness I have therapy this week!

I somehow am not confused- but tired of being a KO- always having the ugliness

of a nada or fada to till with. Yet I am not brave enough or ready to go LC or

NC- so I realize I choose to deal with things the way they are.

This week was my bday- and apparently nada was irritated with me for the choices

I was making prior too and on my bday. My bday dinner was uncomfortable for me-

and I could feel the resentment and angry building inside of me- because nada

was being so self-absorbed and her continually slamning me for whatever I said

or did. She had such a sense of entitlement. Payback is a bitch for not

following nada's rules. It took about 2 hours- and then things calmed down- and

as I write 2 hours- I wonder why I waited 2 hours. My daughter asked me to stay

calm through nada's bs and I really didn't want a useless confrontion with no

real changes.

So I say to myself is this sense of entitlement a BP thing or a Narcissist

thing? I don't know- or do the 2 personality disorders both encompass the

entitlement and self absorption- either way it is wrong.

So I had licked my wounds about my birthday- saw my parents on Saturday and I

told nada I had so many fresh vegetables that I would be making vegetable soup

and share with her. She thought that was great. However tomorrow is my first day

back to school with my students- this was a busy weekend- In my mind I wasn't

sure when I really was making the soup.

Nada though asked me if she could have the soup to her by Tuesday- because that

would be a good dinner for her and my father to have on that day because they

had their blood work on Wed- WTF- I would never have the nerve to say something

like that- and of I course made the soup. I also made sauce and meatball- called

Nada and told her I had meals for my father and her. Nada thanked me but then

she said is there pasta too go with those meatballs! Again- I felt like just be

happy for the meals- but there is always something. If it isn't the sense of

entitlement- there is a put down or a negative thought about someone or

something.

So I become emotionally exhausted dealing with everything- and sometimes it

isn't one thing- it is the building of all those little things that I continue

to say I am letting go- or at least I thing I am that - make me so drained and

left- not like who I could but rather who I am a KO dealing with nada.

Thanks for letting me vent- that is a wonderful feeling to just say what builds

up inside of me. I have tried actually telling nada my feelings but my FOG

always keeps me coming back.

Malinda