Re: the first time I have really discussed my BPD mother.

August 31, 2010

You guys are great - its so nice to finally communicate with people who

understand what it was like!!! My family doesnt talk about it really, everyone

is too busy trying to forget.

Mum would tell us that she didnt love her older kids, that they werent really

family, even making us call them to say that we didnt like them, etc etc, but

whenever she could she would brag about being the parent of two sets of twins.

For her, kids were simply an achievement to show people how great she was. There

was never any real caring there - I dont ever remember hugs or kisses other than

the oligatory ones you give when you visit. One of the biggest crimes you could

do as a small child was cry in public - we knew as soon as we were out of

earshot of people we would be beaten for embarressing her.

Its funny that mentioning all this for the first time is helping me remember

stuff that, til now, I hadnt really recognised as crazy behaviour - I guess over

time you just file it away in your head as something that was unpleasant,

without thinking " that is incredibly NUTS and shouldnt have happened " . Bah.

Im glad you have a happy life now! So do I, and I guard it jealously - she will

never be a big part of my life again.

> >

> > Trying to put together a concise, clear description of what it was like for

me to grow up with a mother like mine is incredibly hard. So many things, its so

hard to know where to start – or even more difficult – to know where to stop. I

feel like I could write forever about it all.

> > Ive never really gone into a lot of detail about my mother to people. When I

do, people kinda freak out and I stop. I feel that they are going to think that

because she was mentally ill, I will be too. Particularly partners. I get the

feeling that once they know about her, they will watch to see if I have the same

characteristics – I know I would! I believe my mother is BPD with a very liberal

dose of paranoid delusions.

> >

> > When it comes to children she is violent, abusive, manipulative and she has

an obsession with thinking everyone is guilty of sexual abuse (despite never

having been abused herself).

> >

> > Growing up it was a constant battle to know when she would go off the deep

end, trying to " be good " all the time. Strangers used to tell her that she had

raised such perfectly mannered children, which I think vindicated her behaviour

in her eyes. We were terrified of making her mad. She was an artist at

physically assaulting you without leaving a mark. If you got a bruise from

playing outside she would fly into rages – paranoid that people would find out

that she beat us. We got raged at for not getting good enough marks, not getting

marks the same as eachother, enjoying anything we did get good marks at, having

different friends, having any friends, getting sick, etc.

> >

> > Imagine being 5 years old, having an enraged woman pulling you close by the

neck of your shirt, eyes flickering back and forth, spitting as she ferociously

told you exactly what a rapist would do to you if he got you alone in a public

toilet, in graphic detail. She made sure that we thought EVERYONE was a child

molester or rapist, even our own stepdad. We were terrified to be alone with him

at times.

> > If you ever argued back she would threaten to leave us at an orphanage, or

put us into foster care, where, you guessed it, someone would rape us. She gave

us boys haricuts but would dress us up in ridiculous frilly outfits. It was

bizarre.

> >

> > She got a bit better as we got older and began to fight back somewhat. She

only ever really went to town on small defenceless kids – the reason I try to

tell my siblings to never leave their children alone with her. Not to say she

wasn't totally irrational when we were older, but she knows that adults talk,

children can be scared into silence. Looking at my school records, for the first

few years we were absent from school for at least 1/3 of the year – no doubt she

didn't like the fact that we enjoyed it and were away from her.

> >

> > The delusions would get worse every now and then. Once she told me that the

devil had sent her to rule the world. She went through a period when I was in

primary school, where she was convinced that my sister wasn't able to walk (and

convinced my sister, who was rather suggestible). She paraded her around in a

wheelchair, and when doctors told her that there was nothing wrong with her, she

became convinced that the government was out to get her, took us kids out of

school and we had to go into hiding. My sister " miraculously " recovered when my

mother decided the cause was that she had too many teeth, and had 4 removed. As

my sister apparently recovered after this, she went on TV to say that she had

discovered the cure to almost everything. She had 8 of my teeth removed (for no

reason), and I recall being in the dentist chair, holding my breath as the

dentist and Mum argued over me about taking all my teeth out. She insisted that

I could eat through a straw and get false teeth when I was an adult. I was 13.

He refused, and Mum went on to buy her own dental pliers, and planned to take

out our teeth herself. Thankfully she never got around to it.

> >

> > She still thinks that teeth (as well as olive oil) are the cause of

everything wrong with a person. All us siblings tell new partners who meet mum

for the first time " don't mention teeth or olive oil.. actually, just talk about

the weather " . Otherwise she will get into a fervour and lecture you, and as soon

as you look like you don't believe her, a rage. Once she decides she doesnt like

your partner, she makes life hell trying to break you up.

> >

> > More to come later...

> >

>

September 1, 2010

Hi Crazy, I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to welcome you properly.

Honestly, I'm totally horrified by your story - and I have heard and lived a

lot of horrible stories. But believing your children's teeth are the source

of the world's problems? Or that aliens are breeding in the hills. Whoa!!!

I'm really sorry you grew up with that. I do see the BPD traits in the

raging, scapegoating and paranoia. But I think there is more going on. I

mean, all our mothers are sick, but dude, I don't even understand why your

mother wasn't institutionalized or in jail.

Well, I'm very sorry that happened to you. I'm hoping you can find some

healing here. Do you have a therapist? I'm sure that would help if you can

find someone you trust - after everything you have been through. . . wow.

And I'm with Annie, we need to change the world so that mental illness is

recognized and children are protected. Whose in?

Hugs, Girlscout

On Tue, Aug 31, 2010 at 11:49 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

> Hi crazy,

>

> Any child who seriously contemplates suicide at the age of 8 is being

> severely, SEVERELY abused in some way; I am convinced of this, totally.

>

> Its just a shame and a tragedy that you and your siblings weren't rescued

> from your extremely severely disturbed mother. I'm so sorry that you and

> your sibs had to endure being raised by someone who was clearly not really

> capable of being a responsible, caring, nurturing, good-enough parent. Such

> individuals do untold, long-lasting if not permanent damage to the children

> in their " care. " I'm so sorry.

>

> As in your case, my nada did not grow up in an abusive environment. Her

> parents and sibs were just average, normal, decent, OK people. My own

> experience of my maternal grandparents (and my aunts) is that they were/are

> simply kind, loving, and sweet to me and my little Sister and to our

> cousins, and to people in general. My mother's two sisters are shocked and

> bewildered by my mother's claims that their parents abused and neglected

> them (in general) and her (in particular.)

>

> My own mother is the ONLY person I know who ever flew into red-faced

> screaming tantrums, screamed at me, beat me and terrorized me and my little

> Sister, and hurled verbal abuse at her own older sister when she could get

> her sister alone. NObody in my nada's family acts like that, except my own

> nada. I'm convinced that something got badly scrambled in my mother's brain,

> at some point in her life; badly scrambled. She perceives the world through

> a " negative filter. "

>

> As far as my nada is concerned, everyone is a competitor or out to get her,

> or owed her servitude; she even feels angry at and competitive with her own

> children. With my nada, its all about negativity, competitiveness, jealousy,

> criticism, and total control.

>

> Its all so sadly negative and depressing. BPD has got to be some kind of

> organic brain disease or dysfunction, seems to me. And its just so tragic

> that someone like my nada could just be allowed to raise children and mess

> with our heads so badly with nobody to say, " Hey, that's not OK. " Our dad

> was totally " hands off " when it came to child-rearing; whatever extreme,

> bizarre thing his wife wanted to do to his kids was OK with him.

>

> So tragic.

>

> -Annie

>

> > >

> > > Trying to put together a concise, clear description of what it was like

> for me to grow up with a mother like mine is incredibly hard. So many

> things, its so hard to know where to start – or even more difficult – to

> know where to stop. I feel like I could write forever about it all.

> > > Ive never really gone into a lot of detail about my mother to people.

> When I do, people kinda freak out and I stop. I feel that they are going to

> think that because she was mentally ill, I will be too. Particularly

> partners. I get the feeling that once they know about her, they will watch

> to see if I have the same characteristics – I know I would! I believe my

> mother is BPD with a very liberal dose of paranoid delusions.

> > >

> > > When it comes to children she is violent, abusive, manipulative and she

> has an obsession with thinking everyone is guilty of sexual abuse (despite

> never having been abused herself).

> > >

> > > Growing up it was a constant battle to know when she would go off the

> deep end, trying to " be good " all the time. Strangers used to tell her that

> she had raised such perfectly mannered children, which I think vindicated

> her behaviour in her eyes. We were terrified of making her mad. She was an

> artist at physically assaulting you without leaving a mark. If you got a

> bruise from playing outside she would fly into rages – paranoid that people

> would find out that she beat us. We got raged at for not getting good enough

> marks, not getting marks the same as eachother, enjoying anything we did get

> good marks at, having different friends, having any friends, getting sick,

> etc.

> > >

> > > Imagine being 5 years old, having an enraged woman pulling you close by

> the neck of your shirt, eyes flickering back and forth, spitting as she

> ferociously told you exactly what a rapist would do to you if he got you

> alone in a public toilet, in graphic detail. She made sure that we thought

> EVERYONE was a child molester or rapist, even our own stepdad. We were

> terrified to be alone with him at times.

> > > If you ever argued back she would threaten to leave us at an orphanage,

> or put us into foster care, where, you guessed it, someone would rape us.

> She gave us boys haricuts but would dress us up in ridiculous frilly

> outfits. It was bizarre.

> > >

> > > She got a bit better as we got older and began to fight back somewhat.

> She only ever really went to town on small defenceless kids – the reason I

> try to tell my siblings to never leave their children alone with her. Not to

> say she wasn't totally irrational when we were older, but she knows that

> adults talk, children can be scared into silence. Looking at my school

> records, for the first few years we were absent from school for at least 1/3

> of the year – no doubt she didn't like the fact that we enjoyed it and were

> away from her.

> > >

> > > The delusions would get worse every now and then. Once she told me that

> the devil had sent her to rule the world. She went through a period when I

> was in primary school, where she was convinced that my sister wasn't able to

> walk (and convinced my sister, who was rather suggestible). She paraded her

> around in a wheelchair, and when doctors told her that there was nothing

> wrong with her, she became convinced that the government was out to get her,

> took us kids out of school and we had to go into hiding. My sister

> " miraculously " recovered when my mother decided the cause was that she had

> too many teeth, and had 4 removed. As my sister apparently recovered after

> this, she went on TV to say that she had discovered the cure to almost

> everything. She had 8 of my teeth removed (for no reason), and I recall

> being in the dentist chair, holding my breath as the dentist and Mum argued

> over me about taking all my teeth out. She insisted that I could eat through

> a straw and get false teeth when I was an adult. I was 13. He refused, and

> Mum went on to buy her own dental pliers, and planned to take out our teeth

> herself. Thankfully she never got around to it.

> > >

> > > She still thinks that teeth (as well as olive oil) are the cause of

> everything wrong with a person. All us siblings tell new partners who meet

> mum for the first time " don't mention teeth or olive oil.. actually, just

> talk about the weather " . Otherwise she will get into a fervour and lecture

> you, and as soon as you look like you don't believe her, a rage. Once she

> decides she doesnt like your partner, she makes life hell trying to break

> you up.

> > >

> > > More to come later...

> > >

> >

>

September 1, 2010