Reconnecting with estranged family

[Guest guest]

Hi!

My Nada and my dad did NOT have an amicable divorce. They separated when I was a

baby, so I grew up with Nada and had court-mandated visits with my dad until my

Nada and I permanently moved to the US.

Even as a child I saw how hard Nada made it for my dad to get in touch with me.

She used me to play games with him (telling me to say things that would

deliberately hurt him). She interfered with ANY summer plans. In short, she was

downright nasty.

8 years ago my dad squeezed *one* visit in after Nada and I moved to the US, and

we went on a road trip. He tried to get in touch with me a few times over the

years, and Nada went after him with a vengeance. Eventually he stopped (high

school). He stopped because it was hard on him (he was going through another

[amicable] divorce) and because he sensed that it made things worse for me. Nada

was ALWAYS terrified that he'd take me away from her, so he was right about

contact making things worse.

Well, at the end of April, I got a package from him out of the blue (after

having no contact for 4 and a half years). I got up the guts to call him back

after I went NC with Nada--the only thing that stopped me before was fear of

Nada's rages. We've had phone conversations every week since then.

Next weekend, I'm flying up to Canada to see him, my half-brother (13), my

half-sister (10 turning 11), the woman he's seeing, and her daughter. I haven't

seen my half-siblings in over a decade, and my half-sister was too little to

remember me. We're going camping. I fly up on Friday, and my Dad and I are gonna

crash in my home town that night, then drive up to the campsite on Saturday. My

dad will drive me back to the airport on Tuesday, and I'll be back at work 8:30

Wednesday morning.

So first of all: HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA SEE THAT SIDE OF MY FAMILY AGAIN! Seeing my

dad after limited to no contact for almost a decade is terrifying, seeing my

half-siblings that barely remember me is disorienting, and meeting his new

partner for the first time is strange. I'm going to be in a car with him

1-on-1... what if I'm boring, what if he doesn't like me, what if I'm a

disappointment?

Ok, so that's the normal reaction. Here's my KO reaction... I have no clue how

to be a daughter. I'm 19, so in some families I'd still be young enough to be

" parented. " My dad definitely seems like the parenting kind in a cute way, like:

" HEY that's not the greatest idea, oh wait, I was a college student, hmm, I'm

not one to talk, it's your decision but think about it first, ok. " Thing is, I

don't know how to be a daughter or how to be parented in any way shape or form.

I can act the parent, but... I don't think I even know how to describe the role

of " kid " . My therapist specializes in interpersonal relationships, and she gave

explaining it a whack, but it still didn't make much sense to me.

So yeah... does anyone here know how the whole teenage daughter role works? Have

any of you been in a situation where you didn't have to parent the adult? How

did it work? How hard is it to ignore the " parenting " urges? Am I asking the

right questions?

I'm a little panicky and overwhelmed, but it'll all be ok, right? If worst comes

to worst, I have panic pills... deep breaths.

-Frances

P.S. Fun fact: apparently my Nada is flying to Canada that same Friday (possibly

Saturday), and flying back on that same Tuesday (possibly Monday). We go through

different U.S. airports (she goes through LaGuardia in NYC and I go through

Bradley International in CT), but we're both flying into Toronto. Even though

we'll be on different flights (different destinations), we'll probably be in the

same terminal. It's probably not likely that I'll bump into her, but dammit...

she HAD to go to Canada the same weekend I'm going =P On a not so jolly note,

what do I do if I run into her at the terminal? Do I ignore her? Do I pretend I

don't know her? Do I call security? Do I say hi? Ahhhhh!!!