ways to know you are in a no-win relationship

[Guest guest]

Life with a person who has untreated borderline personality disorder

is nothing short of a tragedy. It is a tragedy in endless acts.

Eventually you will see that no matter how hard you try, in your

accompanying role, you can only fail.

To be sure you are not there when the play comes to its unsatisfying

end, it helps to share the unfolding story with others. In that way

you come to see for yourself that you are in a no-win relationship.

There are many signs that you might be in a no-win relationship, the

kind that indicates someone in your screenplay has BPD. One is when

an actor is constantly pulling the rug out from under you. When you

hear things told about yourself that are not true; when you find your

goodness and your intentions questioned; when you eventually find out

there is nothing that you can do that is right; when your words are

used against you and you find the best thing is to be speechless; when

someone blames you for their shortcomings; when humor backfires nearly

every time; when you finally make progress at keeping your own self-

esteem intact, and your intimate partner tears the foundation of your

beliefs from underneath you. (I can use more examples on this, and I

know I need concrete ones. I'd appreciate your input, and even humor

on this one.)

Here is kind of where I want to end up on this essay:

“That is not a relationship,” said a dear friend. “I would not call

what you have with your mother a relationship. "

Stymied then, I offered humor. " How about, a leaking ship? “

“An unpatchable ship.” she said. I could tell she was getting impatient.

“You've got to know when to jump out!” I grinned.

Her eyes were wide. “I’d say you did it just in time.”

You can’t set a boundary in a sinking ship, and take care of

someone else’s emotions, too. To save a drowning person, when they

have decided you are only worthy of attacking you, means you pay the

price of saving them, with your life. Jumping out of the ship,

leaving them to patch it up themselves is the only way.

Failure to me meant saving my own life. It meant to stop trying to

be a good daughter. It felt like tear-filled, belly emptying, joy.