Re: I Understand Smoking Now

November 9, 2010

Hi Josie,

Good insight on the desire to smoke. WOW!!!! I can understand it, though, it's

been 36 years since I had my last cigarette (I was a 25 cigs a day smoker) &

there are still a few times when I get the 'desire' even though I realize that

if I smoked a cigarette I would feel sicker than a dog & that I really don't

want one, it's just an automatic reaction to some forms of stress STILL after

ALL those years. '

Gee, I wish I had known that you would be staying at the Hilton during the

workshop would love to have made contact with you there. Well, maybe next time,

& there definitely will be a next time for me because it was THAT good to see

her in person.

mj

>

> In my college and grad school days, I was something of a smoker. Never very

serious about it. For the most part, I'd call it more of a social thing. I.e.,

if I was at a party and others were smoking, I'd bum a cigarette from them.

Rarely would I buy my own pack. But every once in a while when I was really

ticked off about something, I'd find myself angrily puffing on a couple to calm

down. But since I was never that hooked, they were expensive, and I didn't

think it was worth cancer, I stopped a long time ago and have rarely given them

a second thought.

>

> Fast forward to today. I'm like seriously wound up. Just feeling really

stressed and tired. Too much going on at work and no possibility for a break

for the next couple of weeks. Add to it that I've been traveling for work for

the last couple of weeks, so in addition to the stress of travel and the project

I'm working on, I'm working in my hotel room at night to try to keep up with

everything that's going on in the office. This last weekend I was supposed to

have a three day weekend, but spent two of the three days working on a report

virtually all day.

>

> As I've mentioned before, my boss is a task master and it feels like every

message I get from her these days is about something else that I've done wrong.

For the most part, these are valid issues, but part of the problem is that we

are just so swamped with work that little stuff falls through the cracks because

it's just not possible to keep up (she's like some sort of alien in her ability

to catch all this stuff. I don't think she sleeps!). I'm not the only one who

reports to her that experiences this. Still, I hate it when I don't get things

right. It eats at me, makes me feel incompetent, and when added to everything

else, I just feel fried. Like I don't want to be in my own skin. Like I can't

focus on what I'm doing.

>

> So, oddly, the last two days, I've had the *most* overwhelming urge to have a

cigarette. Like if there had been a drugstore nearby I seriously would have

headed in and bought a pack and huffed away. This isn't something I've even

thought about for probably 20 years. But for the last two days, I can't get it

out of my head. I've been doing pretty well with eating the last two weeks

since my first visit with the therapist, so I think I'm realizing that this is

normally a time when I would have found something to eat, but since I'm not

doing that now, it has become an urge to smoke. It reminds me of when Geneen

was on Oprah and Oprah said that people always used to ask her if she was

stressed and she always said no because she never felt stress, but she realized

through Geneen's book that she never felt stress because she'd have something to

eat at the first sign of discomfort. I guess I've been doing that, too, without

even realizing it.

>

> All in all, I think it's a good realization, but I will say, I HATE this

feeling. I did try to take a 10 minute break and take a little walk outside to

get some air, which helped a bit, but I'm still wired. Made me also think of

one of the things Geneen said at her workshop, which is that if you are willing

to feel discomfort, you will be successful with IE. If you're not, you won't.

(that's a paraphrase) This is the discomfort that I don't want to feel and I'm

not digging it, but I know I have to work through this to get to the other side.

>

> Grrr....

>

> Josie

>

November 9, 2010

I love the reminder to sit with the discomfort.. A daily challenge for me...

I had a boss like that, Josie. She assigned a huge volume of work yet had an ability to zoom in like a hawk on any little mistake I made or thing I neglected to do. It completely undermined my self confidence, even though in previous jobs I had felt like a pretty competent and hardworking employee. I wound up resigning on the spot one day when she was berating me for something. It took a while for my confidence to rebound (but it did, and now I have a job where I do feel valued - yay!). Even though I knew she herself was stressed and unhappy, it was hard to not internalize her criticisms.

Some people turn to food, others to cigarettes, and then there are those people whose release is making other people feel like sh*t, right?

Alice

Subject: I Understand Smoking NowTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Tuesday, November 9, 2010, 11:21 AM

In my college and grad school days, I was something of a smoker. Never very serious about it. For the most part, I'd call it more of a social thing. I.e., if I was at a party and others were smoking, I'd bum a cigarette from them. Rarely would I buy my own pack. But every once in a while when I was really ticked off about something, I'd find myself angrily puffing on a couple to calm down. But since I was never that hooked, they were expensive, and I didn't think it was worth cancer, I stopped a long time ago and have rarely given them a second thought. Fast forward to today. I'm like seriously wound up. Just feeling really stressed and tired. Too much going on at work and no possibility for a break for the next couple of weeks. Add to it that I've been traveling for work for the last couple of weeks, so in addition to the stress of travel and the project I'm

working on, I'm working in my hotel room at night to try to keep up with everything that's going on in the office. This last weekend I was supposed to have a three day weekend, but spent two of the three days working on a report virtually all day. As I've mentioned before, my boss is a task master and it feels like every message I get from her these days is about something else that I've done wrong. For the most part, these are valid issues, but part of the problem is that we are just so swamped with work that little stuff falls through the cracks because it's just not possible to keep up (she's like some sort of alien in her ability to catch all this stuff. I don't think she sleeps!). I'm not the only one who reports to her that experiences this. Still, I hate it when I don't get things right. It eats at me, makes me feel incompetent, and when added to everything else, I just feel fried. Like I

don't want to be in my own skin. Like I can't focus on what I'm doing. So, oddly, the last two days, I've had the *most* overwhelming urge to have a cigarette. Like if there had been a drugstore nearby I seriously would have headed in and bought a pack and huffed away. This isn't something I've even thought about for probably 20 years. But for the last two days, I can't get it out of my head. I've been doing pretty well with eating the last two weeks since my first visit with the therapist, so I think I'm realizing that this is normally a time when I would have found something to eat, but since I'm not doing that now, it has become an urge to smoke. It reminds me of when Geneen was on Oprah and Oprah said that people always used to ask her if she was stressed and she always said no because she never felt stress, but she realized through Geneen's book that she never felt stress because she'd have

something to eat at the first sign of discomfort. I guess I've been doing that, too, without even realizing it.All in all, I think it's a good realization, but I will say, I HATE this feeling. I did try to take a 10 minute break and take a little walk outside to get some air, which helped a bit, but I'm still wired. Made me also think of one of the things Geneen said at her workshop, which is that if you are willing to feel discomfort, you will be successful with IE. If you're not, you won't. (that's a paraphrase) This is the discomfort that I don't want to feel and I'm not digging it, but I know I have to work through this to get to the other side. Grrr....Josie------------------------------------

November 14, 2010

Thanks to everyone who responded to my post for their support. Sorry for my

belated reply. It was actually for a good reason this time as my mom is

visiting me and I have been entertaining her for the last couple of days.

I have been doing e-mails every other day to my therapist since our first

session so she can get a feel for my daily eating and what's going on in my life

and she has also honed in on the job stress issue (well, it'd be pretty hard not

to!) and has indicated that this is definitely something we need to work on.

I appreciate everyone's advice. It is all excellent. Some of what many of you

have suggested has been tried by either myself or my colleagues without much

success. I think that my boss has been exceedingly successful (more so than

anyone else that previously held her position) doing things the way she does

now, so there's not much incentive for her to do things differently. But also,

some of my stress is of my own doing. I take things very personally (always

have), so sometimes, when she has feedback for me that I interpret as being told

I'm doing something wrong, I don't think it's meant that way. So that is

something I need to work on as it amps up the emotion even higher than it would

otherwise be. But other things many of you have suggested are things I haven't

tried and I'm always looking for another way to make things work. So, I welcome

the advice and will give them a try.

Believe it or not, I'm not a workaholic in the sense that I feel guilty about

NOT working. I'm actually perfectly fine with the concept of doing absolutely

nothing. I *dream* of doing absolutely nothing. I have a colleague who is one

of those types that has to *always* be busy, even on her days off. When we chat

on Mondays and I hear how many activities she and her partner have packed their

weekend with, I feel exhausted just hearing it. A day lounging around in my PJs

watching tv is like heaven to me and I don't feel the least bit bad about it!

LOL. What I do fear is that by doing less or making waves that I'm damaging my

earning potential by being perceived as someone who can't hack it or as a whiner

or troublemaker and that if that happens the next time raises or projects or

promotions are being contemplated, I will not be chosen. (I have seen what

happens in my company when people fall out of favor, so this is not a completely

unfounded fear.) That's important because financial security is my issue. If I

can address that, I think the rest will fall into place.

That said, for now, I definitely will be working with the therapist on how to

manage the stress. I am very hopeful that within a year, it will not be an

issue because of the changes that are taking place in my company. So, if I can

just ride it out until then, I may get to have my cake and eat it, too

(appropriate analogy for an IE group, don't you think? LOL). If those changes

don't work out the way I'm hoping they will, then I know I will have to face

some fears and make some very hard decisions. But I'm not ready to do that just

yet. So, I just have to make the best of a less than ideal situation until

then.

Thanks, ladies. You all rock!

Josie

> >

> > In my college and grad school days, I was something of a smoker. Never very

> >serious about it. For the most part, I'd call it more of a social thing.

I.e.,

> >if I was at a party and others were smoking, I'd bum a cigarette from them.

> >Rarely would I buy my own pack. But every once in a while when I was really

> >ticked off about something, I'd find myself angrily puffing on a couple to

calm

> >down. But since I was never that hooked, they were expensive, and I didn't

> >think it was worth cancer, I stopped a long time ago and have rarely given

them

> >a second thought.

> >

> > Fast forward to today. I'm like seriously wound up. Just feeling really

> >stressed and tired. Too much going on at work and no possibility for a break

> >for the next couple of weeks. Add to it that I've been traveling for work

for

> >the last couple of weeks, so in addition to the stress of travel and the

project

> >I'm working on, I'm working in my hotel room at night to try to keep up with

> >everything that's going on in the office. This last weekend I was supposed

to

> >have a three day weekend, but spent two of the three days working on a report

> >virtually all day.

> >

> > As I've mentioned before, my boss is a task master and it feels like every

> >message I get from her these days is about something else that I've done

wrong.

> >For the most part, these are valid issues, but part of the problem is that we

> >are just so swamped with work that little stuff falls through the cracks

because

> >it's just not possible to keep up (she's like some sort of alien in her

ability

> >to catch all this stuff. I don't think she sleeps!). I'm not the only one

who

> >reports to her that experiences this. Still, I hate it when I don't get

things

> >right. It eats at me, makes me feel incompetent, and when added to

everything

> >else, I just feel fried. Like I don't want to be in my own skin. Like I

can't

> >focus on what I'm doing.

> >

> > So, oddly, the last two days, I've had the *most* overwhelming urge to have

a

> >cigarette. Like if there had been a drugstore nearby I seriously would have

> >headed in and bought a pack and huffed away. This isn't something I've even

> >thought about for probably 20 years. But for the last two days, I can't get

it

> >out of my head. I've been doing pretty well with eating the last two weeks

> >since my first visit with the therapist, so I think I'm realizing that this

is

> >normally a time when I would have found something to eat, but since I'm not

> >doing that now, it has become an urge to smoke. It reminds me of when Geneen

> >was on Oprah and Oprah said that people always used to ask her if she was

> >stressed and she always said no because she never felt stress, but she

realized

> >through Geneen's book that she never felt stress because she'd have something

to

> >eat at the first sign of discomfort. I guess I've been doing that, too,

without

> >even realizing it.

> >

> > All in all, I think it's a good realization, but I will say, I HATE this

> >feeling. I did try to take a 10 minute break and take a little walk outside

to

> >get some air, which helped a bit, but I'm still wired. Made me also think of

> >one of the things Geneen said at her workshop, which is that if you are

willing

> >to feel discomfort, you will be successful with IE. If you're not, you

won't.

> >(that's a paraphrase) This is the discomfort that I don't want to feel and

I'm

> >not digging it, but I know I have to work through this to get to the other

side.

> >

> > Grrr....

> >

> > Josie

> >

>

November 14, 2010