Re: Re: the 5 year old. inside....(stealth nada aunt)

[Guest guest]

I can post it, last night was just late and I was not up for a long post.

All my life I believed that nada's oldest sister was the most stable.

Things with nada really began to escalate when I had my first child. Nada

felt entitled to my child(now children) and showed no responsibility. She

demands to do what she wants with older daughter(she has only met the

younger daughter once). There are many many issues but for now we'll just

shorten it to safety issues and undermining me. My aunt that I felt close

to lives out of state so she does not see all this first hand. Once nada

was acting out at a family function when she was here visiting. Nada was

complaining to aunt how horrible I treat her. Aunt asked me in private what

was going on. I explained that nada has been asked many times not to allow

Daughter to put her metal keychain and dogtags in her mount but kept it up

right in front of me. Later, at dinner, nada did it in front of aunt and

aunt put her foot down, loudly,in front of everyone to stop giving it to

daughter. That solidified for me that she was reasonable and cared for me

and daughter. Time went on and nada's behavior continued to escalate.

Right after the birth of daughter2, in fact the day after I left the

hospital, nada gave me a three page letter full of FOG and an ultimatum.

Nada said she was tired of hubby and I treating her like crap and basically

demanded that we bring Daughters to her house so she can see them on her

terms. We refused and thus began 4 months of NC. Other family(not aunt)

pushed and pushed for me to call nada. I held my guns that nada must make

contact and be willing to " play by the rules " . Nada finally called and left

a calm message. I returned the call. Nada DEMANDED to see the girls. I

calmly explained tat we will first need to discuss new boundaries on how to

behave around the girls and towards me. Nada blew up screaming at the top

of her lungs. She demanded that she has never done anything wrong, it is

her right to have the girls unsupervised, she can take us to court to get

unsupervised visitation, and that I ruined her life. I hung up and we have

had NC since.

Several weeks later Aunt called and once again asked me what was going on.

I calmly explained that nada was demanding to have the girls unsupervised

but could not even behave in a reasonable manner in my home right in front

of me. I detailed all the worst safety issues. Aunt agreed that she cannot

put the girls in danger BUT that it was my responsibility to fix the

situation. She handed me all the typical lines that this is just how nada

is, she is loud but will never hurt the girls(as if screaming at me in front

of them is not harmful?), and that I was spoiled by nada and therefore nada

is automatically a good mother. She went on to say that I am depriving my

children of a grandma, depriving my nada of her grandkids, and going to hell

for not honoring my mother. The most hurtful thing she said was that nada

had every right to be at my 2nd birth, even though she treated me terribly

during both births(one of nadas complaints in the letter). Aunt told me she

read the horrible letter and there was nothing wron with it.

Aunt then asked if I would agree to work this out with nada with a

mediator. I refused stating that nada made in perfectly clear on the phone

that she feels 100 percent right and therefore there was no room for

compromising. Also, that I have already given as much as I am comfortable

with and at this point nada is being unreasonable. Aunt pushed and I

caved. Aunt called nada and nada agreed ONLY if aunt(who at this point

obviously agrees with nada) was the mediator. Aunt called me back with this

offer. I refused and explained that whether or not aunt see it, nada is

choosing the person that she feels is on her side. I explained that nada is

not looking for mediation but is expecting that they will gang up on me and

convince me that I am wrong. Aunt disagreed and promised to not get

involved, just to be there to keep us from yelling. I continued to refuse

and would agree only to a third party mediator. That was the last time I

spoke to ANYONE on nada's side of the family.

I was crushed that the only person in the FOO that I felt close to was

acting like this. I never saw this coming. It started the grieving for me

all over again because now instead of losing a mother I felt as if I lost my

entire family.

There it is. Sorry that it is rambling and poorly punctuated. It's 5am now

and I have to get ready for class

[Guest guest]

Yes, for me having my first daughter was the turning point. For 18 months I

tolerated some of it and compromised on certain not-so-harmful things(such

as agreeing to go to nada's house with daughter but still supervised and

allowing nada to put TV on for daughter occasionally even though we were no

TV). As her behavior got worse I came to the realization that she was never

going to accept less than her exact demands and probably if she got what she

wanted then would want more.

As for the aunt I have NC with nada's side of my FOO now and superficial LC

with my father's side of the FOO. When aunt called I was contacting younger

members of nada's side of the FOO about daughter's birthday party and within

hours aunt called. I realized that more FOO was involved than I thought. I

am positive that not every member of nada's FOO is on her side but I am not

in a place to go through the drama over and over until I determine who is

and is not involved. I suspect that even some who would be on my side would

still pass information they feel is harmless not realizing that any little

bit of info causes me to be harassed all over again. So, I made the

decision to stay away.

My parents were divorced when I was 5 so father's FOO is not as close to

nada. Nada had custody therefore they kept up a relationship with her so as

to have contact with brother and I. They do not speak much to nada and do

not give her info on us. However, they take the position that nada is sick

and therefore should be tolerated. I see father's FOO on holidays and

occasional phone calls because I know they will not risk giving nada info

but I can only tolerate so much of the puppy dog faces when nada comes up in

conversation. Last time my father's sister(different aunt) sad in sad voice

with the puppy dog eyes " I wish you guys could work this out " . A disguised

way of saying I wish YOU would " fix " it.