Re: Am I obligated to warn others of BPD mom's inevitable meltdowns?

[Guest guest]

that is a great suggestion, to tell them knowing on down the line they are going

to be calling going 'what happened'.

especially since these people are elderly it is very important. also they might

have children that might be better able to process the information and out of

concern for them get the property listed in their names. I hope the sale isn't

final. Yikes.

>

> Hi, and welcome. You're liable to get a whole spectrum of answers to this

question, but I vote yes - tell them. Then be prepared for them to ignore you

and go ahead anyway.

>

> My mom does the same savior/demon cycling you describe, and she is, like your

mom, a veritable Blanche Dubois, always depending on the kindness of strangers.

She has already run through thousands of dollars of my savings, and I'm

exhausted with trying to make her life better, or get her to make her own life

better - so now she tells anyone who will listen that she has only one living

relative, a daughter who has " cut her off. " And that describes it pretty well -

but of course it takes a while for Mom's new friends to figure out WHY her only

child would abandon her. Then they follow suit, and she finds somebody else.

>

> When I meet these people (very rarely - she lives in another town, and I have

very few opportunities to interact with her - that's by design, I assure you), I

try, tactfully, to tell them that she has a mental illness, that she is very

manipulative, and I suggest that they look up BPD in the DSM-IV online. Those

who are already wondering what's up with her, will do so. Those who have their

own agenda (she attracts people like herself, who are trying to sponge off a

sweet old lady - not realizing there's a dragon lying in wait), or who are too

unsophisticated to look up the information or understand it, will ignore what

I'm telling them. Then, several months later, I'll get a bewildered phone call

asking if there's any way I can make my mom pay them the money she owes them.

At that point, I can say, " Remember when I told you she was mentally ill? She

does this to everybody - that's why I don't have contact with her. I told you

not to get involved. Remember? " And I don't have to feel guilty. Of course,

what they really want me to do is write them a check for whatever she owes them,

but I can't and won't do that anymore.

>

> So the up side of telling these people is, you're doing them a favor and

probably preserving their meager life savings. And you can live with yourself,

whatever the outcome.

>

> The down side is that they will almost certainly tell your mother, she'll rage

at you and carry the grudge forever, and will tell everyone she knows that YOU

are crazy. The old couple (who are probably pretty desperate to get rid of the

B & B so they can have some money to live on) are quite likely to go ahead with

the plan, because your mom is selling them a fabulous fantasy about how great

things will be for everyone involved. They WANT to believe her. Then again, if

they heed your advice and cancel the deal, your mom is still at loose ends, so

the problem of her inability to support herself is still 'in the wind.'

>

> You're going to wind up being the villain to your mom, but you will know that

you've done the ethical thing if you tell them - so you have to be at a place

where you just don't care whether she loves you or approves of you. (I am SO

there!) It might help to suggest that they call some of the people who could

back up your story - the police who were called, the non-family members who have

gotten burned. Being armed with a list of names and phone numbers makes you

look less crazy and vindictive and more like a responsible, concerned adult

child. And be sure that everything you say is backed up by documentation - so

you have Truth as a defense against her claims that you're slandering her.

>

> I wish you luck with this -

>

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