Confronting a passive relative

[Guest guest]

Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones) for not doing

anything to protect you?

My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family members I had and they

knew what my mother put me through. They removed themselves and didn't even

speak to my mother years and years before her death...

Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing me pictures of my

cousins baby. They named the baby the same name as my son. I let her know it was

my son's name and she wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying leap about the

baby's name but the fact that they didn't even know their own nephew's name just

spoke volumes to me.

And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know how to start it

or what to say.

Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and should leave well

enough alone.

[Guest guest]

I dont think any good will come of it...just more hurt feelings on both

sides....if you all happened to be talking about your mother, and someone

commented that yes, she was a prize and they wonder how you managed to

survive her, then yes, I ask about why, since they admitted knowing

something wasn't right, they didn't do anything to protect you, but not

just out of the blue.... I have 27 nieces and nephews...many I have never

met, but I know all their names, and whose child they are but I dont know

the names of their kids...maybe that makes me terrible, but they live

several states over, and unless we visit the family, we dont see them (

none of them have ever come to visit us)

Jackie

Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones) for not doing

anything to protect you?

My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family members I had and

they knew what my mother put me through. They removed themselves and didn't

even speak to my mother years and years before her death...

Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing me pictures

of my cousins baby. They named the baby the same name as my son. I let her

know it was my son's name and she wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying leap about the

baby's name but the fact that they didn't even know their own nephew's name

just spoke volumes to me.

And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know how to start

it or what to say.

Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and should leave well

enough alone.

[Guest guest]

,

I went through (and still am going through to some extent) this very thing.

Finding out what they 'knew', 'suspected', turned their eyes away from - etc.

It's horrifying. I had/have a whole lot of anger at these people who FOR

WHATEVER JUSTIFIED BULL%#$% REASON decided to avert their eyes and let a child

be distroyed because it was easier to believe that it was the child's fault than

to see that this woman, who they knew and admitted years later, WAS DANGEROUS.

I've talked to a couple to find out who knew what and the general vibe. It

didn't go well. Aside from a couple of relatives, I'm pretty much screwed as a

far as my Nada's side of the family. They'd rather keep making excuses for her

and demonizing me because I won't " take care of her. " Nothing I can do about

it. Period. The good relatives on that side have tried to defend me but they

are always told I'm a lying, selfish, manipulative brat... because that's what's

been said. Nice.

My dad's side of the family see's her for who she is. They will be polite but

they're no longer fooled. That is good. I am safe there. That is the side of

the family my son calls his, too. It is with them he spends holidays, celebrates

bdays, milestones, etc. The other side (again save a small number) don't send

bday cards, xmas cards/gifts... nothing. Even though they were all at the

hospital when he was born and in NICU for a week. Nada has distroyed that and,

though I've tried to bridge it by going straight to my grandma, I'm out of luck.

Damage is too severe.

So , my point is this: I wouldn't confront anyone unless you can withstand

the soul-wrenching outcome I just shared. I'm doing better now than I was a

month or 2 ago when all this became glaringly obvious and I learned what I

learned the hard and deep way. It will makes me sad, I'm coming out of it and

thank heavens I k now it's not ME and that all I can do is just go forward with

my life, with the people who love me and teen and who accept us and know us and

love us for who we are... not who we are related to.

Peaceful days ahead,

Lynnette

>

>

> Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones) for not doing

anything to protect you?

> My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family members I had and

they knew what my mother put me through. They removed themselves and didn't even

speak to my mother years and years before her death...

> Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing me pictures of

my cousins baby. They named the baby the same name as my son. I let her know it

was my son's name and she wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

> Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying leap about the

baby's name but the fact that they didn't even know their own nephew's name just

spoke volumes to me.

> And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know how to start it

or what to say.

> Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and should leave well

enough alone.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I think that you should ask yourself what you hope to achieve by

confronting them. Do you want to have a relationship with these

people? Do you just want to understand what they were thinking?

Do you want them to make them feel some of your pain? I think

what you want to achieve helps dictate whether it makes sense to

do so or not. In my experience, being confrontational is usually

not the right attitude to take if you want to improve your

relationship with people or get them to change their behavior. I

don't think it is a bad idea to ask them why they never did

anything to help you, but I'd try to phrase the questions in a

non-confrontational manner. I'd start out talking about family

stuff in general and work my way around to wondering about what

they knew about what was happening and why they chose not to

act. Confronting them might get you some answers, but it might

very well burn any remaining bridges too and it might not even

get you any reasonable answers. If they feel like they're being

accused of something, they're not likely to want to talk about

it. I'd also ask yourself how you're likely to react to the

answers you get. Is hearing that they didn't know what to do, or

didn't think it was their place to interfere or whatever going

to hurt you more than it helps? Chances are pretty high that

whatever answer you get isn't going to be one that you find

satisfactory. If you're hoping to be told something that makes

you feel better about what happened, I fear you'll be

disappointed. If having the answer to a question is likely to

cause more problems than not having it, it may not be wise to

ask it to begin with.

If you weren't close to your aunt and her children, I can

understand her not remembering your son's name. I have a bunch

of cousins, some of whom I've never even met, and I don't know

the names of all their children. I know the names of the

children I've actually had contact with, but not all of the

others. I suspect that the name issue is the straw that broke

the camel's back rather than a real problem. It makes for a

convenient current reason to let out some of those bottled-up

emotions.

At 11:56 AM 07/26/2010 Hummingbird1298@... wrote:

>Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones)

>for not doing anything to protect you?

>My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family

>members I had and they knew what my mother put me through. They

>removed themselves and didn't even speak to my mother years and

>years before her death...

>Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing

>me pictures of my cousins baby. They named the baby the same

>name as my son. I let her know it was my son's name and she

>wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

>Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying

>leap about the baby's name but the fact that they didn't even

>know their own nephew's name just spoke volumes to me.

>And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know

>how to start it or what to say.

>Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and

>should leave well enough alone.

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

,

I think that you should ask yourself what you hope to achieve by

confronting them. Do you want to have a relationship with these

people? Do you just want to understand what they were thinking?

Do you want them to make them feel some of your pain? I think

what you want to achieve helps dictate whether it makes sense to

do so or not. In my experience, being confrontational is usually

not the right attitude to take if you want to improve your

relationship with people or get them to change their behavior. I

don't think it is a bad idea to ask them why they never did

anything to help you, but I'd try to phrase the questions in a

non-confrontational manner. I'd start out talking about family

stuff in general and work my way around to wondering about what

they knew about what was happening and why they chose not to

act. Confronting them might get you some answers, but it might

very well burn any remaining bridges too and it might not even

get you any reasonable answers. If they feel like they're being

accused of something, they're not likely to want to talk about

it. I'd also ask yourself how you're likely to react to the

answers you get. Is hearing that they didn't know what to do, or

didn't think it was their place to interfere or whatever going

to hurt you more than it helps? Chances are pretty high that

whatever answer you get isn't going to be one that you find

satisfactory. If you're hoping to be told something that makes

you feel better about what happened, I fear you'll be

disappointed. If having the answer to a question is likely to

cause more problems than not having it, it may not be wise to

ask it to begin with.

If you weren't close to your aunt and her children, I can

understand her not remembering your son's name. I have a bunch

of cousins, some of whom I've never even met, and I don't know

the names of all their children. I know the names of the

children I've actually had contact with, but not all of the

others. I suspect that the name issue is the straw that broke

the camel's back rather than a real problem. It makes for a

convenient current reason to let out some of those bottled-up

emotions.

At 11:56 AM 07/26/2010 Hummingbird1298@... wrote:

>Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones)

>for not doing anything to protect you?

>My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family

>members I had and they knew what my mother put me through. They

>removed themselves and didn't even speak to my mother years and

>years before her death...

>Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing

>me pictures of my cousins baby. They named the baby the same

>name as my son. I let her know it was my son's name and she

>wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

>Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying

>leap about the baby's name but the fact that they didn't even

>know their own nephew's name just spoke volumes to me.

>And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know

>how to start it or what to say.

>Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and

>should leave well enough alone.

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Thank you for all of your replies. As for whether I was really close to my aunt

and uncle and their children... I don't know how to answer that. Growing up, I

was around them quite a bit and my mother babysat my cousin (he was 9 years

younger than me) a good bit. We spent most holidays with them until they became

estranged from our family sometime in the 90's. Mostly because of my mothers

craziness.

My mother had a severe phobia of lightening. We lived in Florida, it lightenings

there almost every day in the summer. My mother would want people to sit with

her so she'd have me call my aunt, who would scream at me that she wasn't coming

to deal with my mother (among other things she said that were very mean).

I guess I was upset she didn't know my son's name because this is the only aunt

and uncle I have. I have a very small family and thanks to my mother, no

relationship with my father's side and don't even know how to get in touch with

any of them. So basically, I have my husband and kids, my sister and my father

(who is BPD himself). Then this one aunt and uncle....who basically left me and

were the closest relatives to me at the time when I was a child (and the only

ones alive as my grandmother and great grandmother are now dead).

I do have a cousin who is a psychologist here in Georgia, but she is estranged

from everyone too. I'm the only one she talks to and that's very rare.

So...I dunno.

I;ve been thinking about saying something to my aunt and uncle for awhile now

and just never have.

Part of me wants to leave it alone and part of me wants closure.

They aren't going to have any relationship with me outside of email and FB

anyway.

You all make some good points, though.

[Guest guest]

Thank you for all of your replies. As for whether I was really close to my aunt

and uncle and their children... I don't know how to answer that. Growing up, I

was around them quite a bit and my mother babysat my cousin (he was 9 years

younger than me) a good bit. We spent most holidays with them until they became

estranged from our family sometime in the 90's. Mostly because of my mothers

craziness.

My mother had a severe phobia of lightening. We lived in Florida, it lightenings

there almost every day in the summer. My mother would want people to sit with

her so she'd have me call my aunt, who would scream at me that she wasn't coming

to deal with my mother (among other things she said that were very mean).

I guess I was upset she didn't know my son's name because this is the only aunt

and uncle I have. I have a very small family and thanks to my mother, no

relationship with my father's side and don't even know how to get in touch with

any of them. So basically, I have my husband and kids, my sister and my father

(who is BPD himself). Then this one aunt and uncle....who basically left me and

were the closest relatives to me at the time when I was a child (and the only

ones alive as my grandmother and great grandmother are now dead).

I do have a cousin who is a psychologist here in Georgia, but she is estranged

from everyone too. I'm the only one she talks to and that's very rare.

So...I dunno.

I;ve been thinking about saying something to my aunt and uncle for awhile now

and just never have.

Part of me wants to leave it alone and part of me wants closure.

They aren't going to have any relationship with me outside of email and FB

anyway.

You all make some good points, though.

[Guest guest]

Thank you for all of your replies. As for whether I was really close to my aunt

and uncle and their children... I don't know how to answer that. Growing up, I

was around them quite a bit and my mother babysat my cousin (he was 9 years

younger than me) a good bit. We spent most holidays with them until they became

estranged from our family sometime in the 90's. Mostly because of my mothers

craziness.

My mother had a severe phobia of lightening. We lived in Florida, it lightenings

there almost every day in the summer. My mother would want people to sit with

her so she'd have me call my aunt, who would scream at me that she wasn't coming

to deal with my mother (among other things she said that were very mean).

I guess I was upset she didn't know my son's name because this is the only aunt

and uncle I have. I have a very small family and thanks to my mother, no

relationship with my father's side and don't even know how to get in touch with

any of them. So basically, I have my husband and kids, my sister and my father

(who is BPD himself). Then this one aunt and uncle....who basically left me and

were the closest relatives to me at the time when I was a child (and the only

ones alive as my grandmother and great grandmother are now dead).

I do have a cousin who is a psychologist here in Georgia, but she is estranged

from everyone too. I'm the only one she talks to and that's very rare.

So...I dunno.

I;ve been thinking about saying something to my aunt and uncle for awhile now

and just never have.

Part of me wants to leave it alone and part of me wants closure.

They aren't going to have any relationship with me outside of email and FB

anyway.

You all make some good points, though.