Confronting a passive relative

[Guest guest]

Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones) for not doing

anything to protect you?

My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family members I had and they

knew what my mother put me through. They removed themselves and didn't even

speak to my mother years and years before her death...

Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing me pictures of my

cousins baby. They named the baby the same name as my son. I let her know it was

my son's name and she wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying leap about the

baby's name but the fact that they didn't even know their own nephew's name just

spoke volumes to me.

And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know how to start it

or what to say.

Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and should leave well

enough alone.

[Guest guest]

wow. it sounds like they protected themselves psychologically at your expense. I

am even understanding just how it is people justify that based on my current

situation. That doesn't make it right. It sounds like you may not want a

relationship with them anyway and it might heal the child within about to at

least ask the questions, 'why didn't you move to protect me?' 'why didn't you

try to intervene?' etc. That is incredibly insensitive to not only forget your

son's name but then to just go, 'oh, I forgot' with no apology for being

insensitive. I have questions along the same lines so I will look forward to

reading the other responses.

>

>

> Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones) for not doing

anything to protect you?

> My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family members I had and

they knew what my mother put me through. They removed themselves and didn't even

speak to my mother years and years before her death...

> Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing me pictures of

my cousins baby. They named the baby the same name as my son. I let her know it

was my son's name and she wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

> Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying leap about the

baby's name but the fact that they didn't even know their own nephew's name just

spoke volumes to me.

> And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know how to start it

or what to say.

> Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and should leave well

enough alone.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

wow. it sounds like they protected themselves psychologically at your expense. I

am even understanding just how it is people justify that based on my current

situation. That doesn't make it right. It sounds like you may not want a

relationship with them anyway and it might heal the child within about to at

least ask the questions, 'why didn't you move to protect me?' 'why didn't you

try to intervene?' etc. That is incredibly insensitive to not only forget your

son's name but then to just go, 'oh, I forgot' with no apology for being

insensitive. I have questions along the same lines so I will look forward to

reading the other responses.

>

>

> Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones) for not doing

anything to protect you?

> My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family members I had and

they knew what my mother put me through. They removed themselves and didn't even

speak to my mother years and years before her death...

> Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing me pictures of

my cousins baby. They named the baby the same name as my son. I let her know it

was my son's name and she wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

> Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying leap about the

baby's name but the fact that they didn't even know their own nephew's name just

spoke volumes to me.

> And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know how to start it

or what to say.

> Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and should leave well

enough alone.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I dont think any good will come of it...just more hurt feelings on both

sides....if you all happened to be talking about your mother, and someone

commented that yes, she was a prize and they wonder how you managed to

survive her, then yes, I ask about why, since they admitted knowing

something wasn't right, they didn't do anything to protect you, but not

just out of the blue.... I have 27 nieces and nephews...many I have never

met, but I know all their names, and whose child they are but I dont know

the names of their kids...maybe that makes me terrible, but they live

several states over, and unless we visit the family, we dont see them (

none of them have ever come to visit us)

Jackie

Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones) for not doing

anything to protect you?

My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family members I had and

they knew what my mother put me through. They removed themselves and didn't

even speak to my mother years and years before her death...

Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing me pictures

of my cousins baby. They named the baby the same name as my son. I let her

know it was my son's name and she wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying leap about the

baby's name but the fact that they didn't even know their own nephew's name

just spoke volumes to me.

And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know how to start

it or what to say.

Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and should leave well

enough alone.

[Guest guest]

I dont think any good will come of it...just more hurt feelings on both

sides....if you all happened to be talking about your mother, and someone

commented that yes, she was a prize and they wonder how you managed to

survive her, then yes, I ask about why, since they admitted knowing

something wasn't right, they didn't do anything to protect you, but not

just out of the blue.... I have 27 nieces and nephews...many I have never

met, but I know all their names, and whose child they are but I dont know

the names of their kids...maybe that makes me terrible, but they live

several states over, and unless we visit the family, we dont see them (

none of them have ever come to visit us)

Jackie

Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones) for not doing

anything to protect you?

My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family members I had and

they knew what my mother put me through. They removed themselves and didn't

even speak to my mother years and years before her death...

Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing me pictures

of my cousins baby. They named the baby the same name as my son. I let her

know it was my son's name and she wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying leap about the

baby's name but the fact that they didn't even know their own nephew's name

just spoke volumes to me.

And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know how to start

it or what to say.

Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and should leave well

enough alone.

[Guest guest]

,

I went through (and still am going through to some extent) this very thing.

Finding out what they 'knew', 'suspected', turned their eyes away from - etc.

It's horrifying. I had/have a whole lot of anger at these people who FOR

WHATEVER JUSTIFIED BULL%#$% REASON decided to avert their eyes and let a child

be distroyed because it was easier to believe that it was the child's fault than

to see that this woman, who they knew and admitted years later, WAS DANGEROUS.

I've talked to a couple to find out who knew what and the general vibe. It

didn't go well. Aside from a couple of relatives, I'm pretty much screwed as a

far as my Nada's side of the family. They'd rather keep making excuses for her

and demonizing me because I won't " take care of her. " Nothing I can do about

it. Period. The good relatives on that side have tried to defend me but they

are always told I'm a lying, selfish, manipulative brat... because that's what's

been said. Nice.

My dad's side of the family see's her for who she is. They will be polite but

they're no longer fooled. That is good. I am safe there. That is the side of

the family my son calls his, too. It is with them he spends holidays, celebrates

bdays, milestones, etc. The other side (again save a small number) don't send

bday cards, xmas cards/gifts... nothing. Even though they were all at the

hospital when he was born and in NICU for a week. Nada has distroyed that and,

though I've tried to bridge it by going straight to my grandma, I'm out of luck.

Damage is too severe.

So , my point is this: I wouldn't confront anyone unless you can withstand

the soul-wrenching outcome I just shared. I'm doing better now than I was a

month or 2 ago when all this became glaringly obvious and I learned what I

learned the hard and deep way. It will makes me sad, I'm coming out of it and

thank heavens I k now it's not ME and that all I can do is just go forward with

my life, with the people who love me and teen and who accept us and know us and

love us for who we are... not who we are related to.

Peaceful days ahead,

Lynnette

>

>

> Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones) for not doing

anything to protect you?

> My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family members I had and

they knew what my mother put me through. They removed themselves and didn't even

speak to my mother years and years before her death...

> Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing me pictures of

my cousins baby. They named the baby the same name as my son. I let her know it

was my son's name and she wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

> Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying leap about the

baby's name but the fact that they didn't even know their own nephew's name just

spoke volumes to me.

> And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know how to start it

or what to say.

> Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and should leave well

enough alone.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I went through (and still am going through to some extent) this very thing.

Finding out what they 'knew', 'suspected', turned their eyes away from - etc.

It's horrifying. I had/have a whole lot of anger at these people who FOR

WHATEVER JUSTIFIED BULL%#$% REASON decided to avert their eyes and let a child

be distroyed because it was easier to believe that it was the child's fault than

to see that this woman, who they knew and admitted years later, WAS DANGEROUS.

I've talked to a couple to find out who knew what and the general vibe. It

didn't go well. Aside from a couple of relatives, I'm pretty much screwed as a

far as my Nada's side of the family. They'd rather keep making excuses for her

and demonizing me because I won't " take care of her. " Nothing I can do about

it. Period. The good relatives on that side have tried to defend me but they

are always told I'm a lying, selfish, manipulative brat... because that's what's

been said. Nice.

My dad's side of the family see's her for who she is. They will be polite but

they're no longer fooled. That is good. I am safe there. That is the side of

the family my son calls his, too. It is with them he spends holidays, celebrates

bdays, milestones, etc. The other side (again save a small number) don't send

bday cards, xmas cards/gifts... nothing. Even though they were all at the

hospital when he was born and in NICU for a week. Nada has distroyed that and,

though I've tried to bridge it by going straight to my grandma, I'm out of luck.

Damage is too severe.

So , my point is this: I wouldn't confront anyone unless you can withstand

the soul-wrenching outcome I just shared. I'm doing better now than I was a

month or 2 ago when all this became glaringly obvious and I learned what I

learned the hard and deep way. It will makes me sad, I'm coming out of it and

thank heavens I k now it's not ME and that all I can do is just go forward with

my life, with the people who love me and teen and who accept us and know us and

love us for who we are... not who we are related to.

Peaceful days ahead,

Lynnette

>

>

> Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones) for not doing

anything to protect you?

> My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family members I had and

they knew what my mother put me through. They removed themselves and didn't even

speak to my mother years and years before her death...

> Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing me pictures of

my cousins baby. They named the baby the same name as my son. I let her know it

was my son's name and she wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

> Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying leap about the

baby's name but the fact that they didn't even know their own nephew's name just

spoke volumes to me.

> And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know how to start it

or what to say.

> Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and should leave well

enough alone.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

- it does seem outrageous that an adult would choose to stand by and

" allow " a Borderline parent to destroy a child's self-esteem, create a warped

world view, and raise that child to be an emotional basket case (or scarred

survivor). As KO's it's unimaginable that the adults around us couldn't see

what was going on, and that they didn't feel the need to intercede for us.

Permit me to offer another view. I had an aunt and uncle - with one daughter -

on my dad's side of the family. They seemed to be stable, and whenever I spent

time with them I felt safe. Their home was calm and they interacted in a sane,

reasonable manner with each other. I liked them, and I think they liked me.

However, they sort of " receded " from our lives, and my mother often carped and

criticized them for " not helping " our family enough. I think now, after

decades, that they simply decided not to associate with us much because they

knew my mother was difficult, and because she was trying to manipulate people

and get what she could out of them, even back then. I don't blame them at all

for protecting the peace of their home. It wasn't their fault that my dad

married my Nada. My brother and I were being raised by a woman with some

emotional issues, but as long as she didn't beat us to the point of

hospitalization, the standards for " abuse " had not been met. My aunt and uncle

almost certainly knew that she was unpleasant, but they had no real standing -

or legal grounds - to interfere with the home my father had chosen for his

children. It just wasn't done back then.

And to an extent, it's not done now. My husband's brother has two kids who are

total losses - no education, no future, no contribution to their communities.

There was absolutely nothing my husband or I could do when those kids were

growing up. They were being housed, fed, and sent to school. The fact that

their mother was a crazy hillbilly and that their father could not or would not

insist that his children be raised with higher standards - wasn't enough to

qualify as abuse. Anything I EVER said to my husband, or to my in-laws, got

thrown back in my face as " unkind criticism " or " snobbery. "

Now those two kids are grown, and the girl has three kids of her own and another

on the way - by a number of different babydaddies, none of whom is competent to

be a parent (we're talking prison records, alcoholism, functional illiteracy).

Her kids are headed for the same quality of life she's had, because nobody can

step up and demand that they be put in foster care. They are being housed, fed,

and sent to school. They're being given the basic minimum amount of care and

raising that kids are entitled to. The fact that I KNOW they'll never be able

to compete in our society is beside the point. They are surrounded by two

generations of people who have a very limited world view and a strong distrust

of anything that smacks of " intellectual elitism " (i.e., getting a high school

diploma and some job training, or being able to read above a fifth grade level).

There's not a damned thing I can do about it, and every time I say a word on the

subject, I wind up in a fight with my husband. So I have to shut up, raise my

own child, and do my best to protect him from contact with that side of the

family.

I think that's what my aunt and uncle wound up doing. They couldn't " fix " my

mother or convince my father to make changes in his household, so they did the

best they could to maintain the safety of their own home and to protect their

own daughter. It's sad, but I don't believe they were at fault.

> >

> >

> > Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones) for not doing

anything to protect you?

> > My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family members I had and

they knew what my mother put me through. They removed themselves and didn't even

speak to my mother years and years before her death...

> > Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing me pictures

of my cousins baby. They named the baby the same name as my son. I let her know

it was my son's name and she wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

> > Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying leap about the

baby's name but the fact that they didn't even know their own nephew's name just

spoke volumes to me.

> > And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know how to start

it or what to say.

> > Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and should leave well

enough alone.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

- it does seem outrageous that an adult would choose to stand by and

" allow " a Borderline parent to destroy a child's self-esteem, create a warped

world view, and raise that child to be an emotional basket case (or scarred

survivor). As KO's it's unimaginable that the adults around us couldn't see

what was going on, and that they didn't feel the need to intercede for us.

Permit me to offer another view. I had an aunt and uncle - with one daughter -

on my dad's side of the family. They seemed to be stable, and whenever I spent

time with them I felt safe. Their home was calm and they interacted in a sane,

reasonable manner with each other. I liked them, and I think they liked me.

However, they sort of " receded " from our lives, and my mother often carped and

criticized them for " not helping " our family enough. I think now, after

decades, that they simply decided not to associate with us much because they

knew my mother was difficult, and because she was trying to manipulate people

and get what she could out of them, even back then. I don't blame them at all

for protecting the peace of their home. It wasn't their fault that my dad

married my Nada. My brother and I were being raised by a woman with some

emotional issues, but as long as she didn't beat us to the point of

hospitalization, the standards for " abuse " had not been met. My aunt and uncle

almost certainly knew that she was unpleasant, but they had no real standing -

or legal grounds - to interfere with the home my father had chosen for his

children. It just wasn't done back then.

And to an extent, it's not done now. My husband's brother has two kids who are

total losses - no education, no future, no contribution to their communities.

There was absolutely nothing my husband or I could do when those kids were

growing up. They were being housed, fed, and sent to school. The fact that

their mother was a crazy hillbilly and that their father could not or would not

insist that his children be raised with higher standards - wasn't enough to

qualify as abuse. Anything I EVER said to my husband, or to my in-laws, got

thrown back in my face as " unkind criticism " or " snobbery. "

Now those two kids are grown, and the girl has three kids of her own and another

on the way - by a number of different babydaddies, none of whom is competent to

be a parent (we're talking prison records, alcoholism, functional illiteracy).

Her kids are headed for the same quality of life she's had, because nobody can

step up and demand that they be put in foster care. They are being housed, fed,

and sent to school. They're being given the basic minimum amount of care and

raising that kids are entitled to. The fact that I KNOW they'll never be able

to compete in our society is beside the point. They are surrounded by two

generations of people who have a very limited world view and a strong distrust

of anything that smacks of " intellectual elitism " (i.e., getting a high school

diploma and some job training, or being able to read above a fifth grade level).

There's not a damned thing I can do about it, and every time I say a word on the

subject, I wind up in a fight with my husband. So I have to shut up, raise my

own child, and do my best to protect him from contact with that side of the

family.

I think that's what my aunt and uncle wound up doing. They couldn't " fix " my

mother or convince my father to make changes in his household, so they did the

best they could to maintain the safety of their own home and to protect their

own daughter. It's sad, but I don't believe they were at fault.

> >

> >

> > Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones) for not doing

anything to protect you?

> > My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family members I had and

they knew what my mother put me through. They removed themselves and didn't even

speak to my mother years and years before her death...

> > Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing me pictures

of my cousins baby. They named the baby the same name as my son. I let her know

it was my son's name and she wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

> > Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying leap about the

baby's name but the fact that they didn't even know their own nephew's name just

spoke volumes to me.

> > And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know how to start

it or what to say.

> > Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and should leave well

enough alone.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

- it does seem outrageous that an adult would choose to stand by and

" allow " a Borderline parent to destroy a child's self-esteem, create a warped

world view, and raise that child to be an emotional basket case (or scarred

survivor). As KO's it's unimaginable that the adults around us couldn't see

what was going on, and that they didn't feel the need to intercede for us.

Permit me to offer another view. I had an aunt and uncle - with one daughter -

on my dad's side of the family. They seemed to be stable, and whenever I spent

time with them I felt safe. Their home was calm and they interacted in a sane,

reasonable manner with each other. I liked them, and I think they liked me.

However, they sort of " receded " from our lives, and my mother often carped and

criticized them for " not helping " our family enough. I think now, after

decades, that they simply decided not to associate with us much because they

knew my mother was difficult, and because she was trying to manipulate people

and get what she could out of them, even back then. I don't blame them at all

for protecting the peace of their home. It wasn't their fault that my dad

married my Nada. My brother and I were being raised by a woman with some

emotional issues, but as long as she didn't beat us to the point of

hospitalization, the standards for " abuse " had not been met. My aunt and uncle

almost certainly knew that she was unpleasant, but they had no real standing -

or legal grounds - to interfere with the home my father had chosen for his

children. It just wasn't done back then.

And to an extent, it's not done now. My husband's brother has two kids who are

total losses - no education, no future, no contribution to their communities.

There was absolutely nothing my husband or I could do when those kids were

growing up. They were being housed, fed, and sent to school. The fact that

their mother was a crazy hillbilly and that their father could not or would not

insist that his children be raised with higher standards - wasn't enough to

qualify as abuse. Anything I EVER said to my husband, or to my in-laws, got

thrown back in my face as " unkind criticism " or " snobbery. "

Now those two kids are grown, and the girl has three kids of her own and another

on the way - by a number of different babydaddies, none of whom is competent to

be a parent (we're talking prison records, alcoholism, functional illiteracy).

Her kids are headed for the same quality of life she's had, because nobody can

step up and demand that they be put in foster care. They are being housed, fed,

and sent to school. They're being given the basic minimum amount of care and

raising that kids are entitled to. The fact that I KNOW they'll never be able

to compete in our society is beside the point. They are surrounded by two

generations of people who have a very limited world view and a strong distrust

of anything that smacks of " intellectual elitism " (i.e., getting a high school

diploma and some job training, or being able to read above a fifth grade level).

There's not a damned thing I can do about it, and every time I say a word on the

subject, I wind up in a fight with my husband. So I have to shut up, raise my

own child, and do my best to protect him from contact with that side of the

family.

I think that's what my aunt and uncle wound up doing. They couldn't " fix " my

mother or convince my father to make changes in his household, so they did the

best they could to maintain the safety of their own home and to protect their

own daughter. It's sad, but I don't believe they were at fault.

> >

> >

> > Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones) for not doing

anything to protect you?

> > My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family members I had and

they knew what my mother put me through. They removed themselves and didn't even

speak to my mother years and years before her death...

> > Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing me pictures

of my cousins baby. They named the baby the same name as my son. I let her know

it was my son's name and she wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

> > Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying leap about the

baby's name but the fact that they didn't even know their own nephew's name just

spoke volumes to me.

> > And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know how to start

it or what to say.

> > Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and should leave well

enough alone.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

,

I think that you should ask yourself what you hope to achieve by

confronting them. Do you want to have a relationship with these

people? Do you just want to understand what they were thinking?

Do you want them to make them feel some of your pain? I think

what you want to achieve helps dictate whether it makes sense to

do so or not. In my experience, being confrontational is usually

not the right attitude to take if you want to improve your

relationship with people or get them to change their behavior. I

don't think it is a bad idea to ask them why they never did

anything to help you, but I'd try to phrase the questions in a

non-confrontational manner. I'd start out talking about family

stuff in general and work my way around to wondering about what

they knew about what was happening and why they chose not to

act. Confronting them might get you some answers, but it might

very well burn any remaining bridges too and it might not even

get you any reasonable answers. If they feel like they're being

accused of something, they're not likely to want to talk about

it. I'd also ask yourself how you're likely to react to the

answers you get. Is hearing that they didn't know what to do, or

didn't think it was their place to interfere or whatever going

to hurt you more than it helps? Chances are pretty high that

whatever answer you get isn't going to be one that you find

satisfactory. If you're hoping to be told something that makes

you feel better about what happened, I fear you'll be

disappointed. If having the answer to a question is likely to

cause more problems than not having it, it may not be wise to

ask it to begin with.

If you weren't close to your aunt and her children, I can

understand her not remembering your son's name. I have a bunch

of cousins, some of whom I've never even met, and I don't know

the names of all their children. I know the names of the

children I've actually had contact with, but not all of the

others. I suspect that the name issue is the straw that broke

the camel's back rather than a real problem. It makes for a

convenient current reason to let out some of those bottled-up

emotions.

At 11:56 AM 07/26/2010 Hummingbird1298@... wrote:

>Do you think it is wise to confront relatives (extended ones)

>for not doing anything to protect you?

>My mother's brother and his wife were the closest family

>members I had and they knew what my mother put me through. They

>removed themselves and didn't even speak to my mother years and

>years before her death...

>Recently my aunt (my mother's sister in law) has been emailing

>me pictures of my cousins baby. They named the baby the same

>name as my son. I let her know it was my son's name and she

>wrote me back, " Oh, I forgot. "

>Okay. Maybe I am overly senstive here. I don't give a flying

>leap about the baby's name but the fact that they didn't even

>know their own nephew's name just spoke volumes to me.

>And I feel ready and willing to confront them but I don't know

>how to start it or what to say.

>Or maybe I am reacting on years of bottled up emotions and

>should leave well enough alone.

>

>

--

Katrina