Guest guest Posted August 15, 2010 Report Share Posted August 15, 2010 Right! And a baby's " no " is showing his/her attempts to be independent from the parent. Totally natural. My mom's favorite word must have been " no " to me, for me to use it so much (in her eyes) I made sure that I said the words " no " to my son when he was a baby as little as possible; read from a book, so that he'd have more possitive reactions to his activities. And of course I used distractions, and baby proofed so I didn't have to say no. T-- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2010 Report Share Posted August 16, 2010 I remember visiting friends' houses as a child, and being delightfully shocked that their parents actually played with their children. My nada sat for endless hours, all of her spare time in fact, reading books upon books in the kitchen whilst chain smoking. There was no engagement with her children other than to hit, scream, or otherwise abuse in hysterics. My nada was prone to endless 'witch' behaviour but now as she ages she seems to be more 'waif' maybe because she can't get away with the abusive witch anymore. > > > > > > I always liked redirecting my kids more than saying " no " all the time. Even if the end result is " no, " I've learned to answer it in other ways. Like, " Can Maddy spend the night? " came from my daughter this weekend. And lord have mercy, if we have one free weekend with no extra kids I think I'll have a party. So I said, " H, you had a friend spend the night last weekend and the weekend before that you spent the night with Maddy, so let's have a family weekend. " See, I said no, but didn't have to use the words. And we spent the weekend painting her room (bought a new car too...fun!). > > > > One thing I think that sets us apart from our BPD parents is that we're not lazy. It's so easy to just say " no " or as my mother would say, " stop nagging the hell out of me, " but it actually takes communicating with your kids and being interested in them and caring how they feel to be a good parent, in my opinion. My mother was just a freaking lazy parent. It was NO because SHE SAID SO. It was NO because I WAS NAGGING HER. It was NO because SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED. > > > > And yep...I baby proofed everything too. My mother used to laugh and tell the story about how I'd crawl around sticking my tongue in the light sockets and " that must be what's wrong with you. " > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2010 Report Share Posted August 16, 2010 " too sick " Yeah, she was always too sick to do anything and everything that needed to be done. . . and she had these pretendy sick behaviors, whining, carrying around a bandana, rubbing her eyes - mainly this fakey voice she would take on. To this day, if I see someone who is remotely " acting " out a role (if they do it badly enough that I can spot it), I freak out and have to get away from them - BPD or not, I can't handle it. Sometimes I can't even handle kids in drama club and stuff like that. And reading books in the kitchen - my nada read in her bed, and that is almost all she did, other than be a a total and utter bitch that is. On Mon, Aug 16, 2010 at 2:43 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > I agree; I think " Witch " / " Queen " only works on us as long as we feel > physically afraid of our nadas (its easy to intimidate a child when you're > much larger and willing to smack the child around) or if nada retains some > kind of powerful financial control over us as adult children. > > Once we become sufficiently grown up, independent and self-supporting, if > nada can't physically threaten or terrify us anymore and if she can't wield > the power of money over us, nada switches instead to " Waif " mode and tries > to manipulate and control us using guilt to trigger pity and compassion in > us. > > Its all about control, about nada getting or maintaining control, > seemingly, any way she can. > > -Annie > > > > > > > I remember visiting friends' houses as a child, and being delightfully > shocked that their parents actually played with their children. My nada sat > for endless hours, all of her spare time in fact, reading books upon books > in the kitchen whilst chain smoking. There was no engagement with her > children other than to hit, scream, or otherwise abuse in hysterics. > > > > My nada was prone to endless 'witch' behaviour but now as she ages she > seems to be more 'waif' maybe because she can't get away with the abusive > witch anymore. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2010 Report Share Posted August 16, 2010 " too sick " Yeah, she was always too sick to do anything and everything that needed to be done. . . and she had these pretendy sick behaviors, whining, carrying around a bandana, rubbing her eyes - mainly this fakey voice she would take on. To this day, if I see someone who is remotely " acting " out a role (if they do it badly enough that I can spot it), I freak out and have to get away from them - BPD or not, I can't handle it. Sometimes I can't even handle kids in drama club and stuff like that. And reading books in the kitchen - my nada read in her bed, and that is almost all she did, other than be a a total and utter bitch that is. On Mon, Aug 16, 2010 at 2:43 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > I agree; I think " Witch " / " Queen " only works on us as long as we feel > physically afraid of our nadas (its easy to intimidate a child when you're > much larger and willing to smack the child around) or if nada retains some > kind of powerful financial control over us as adult children. > > Once we become sufficiently grown up, independent and self-supporting, if > nada can't physically threaten or terrify us anymore and if she can't wield > the power of money over us, nada switches instead to " Waif " mode and tries > to manipulate and control us using guilt to trigger pity and compassion in > us. > > Its all about control, about nada getting or maintaining control, > seemingly, any way she can. > > -Annie > > > > > > > I remember visiting friends' houses as a child, and being delightfully > shocked that their parents actually played with their children. My nada sat > for endless hours, all of her spare time in fact, reading books upon books > in the kitchen whilst chain smoking. There was no engagement with her > children other than to hit, scream, or otherwise abuse in hysterics. > > > > My nada was prone to endless 'witch' behaviour but now as she ages she > seems to be more 'waif' maybe because she can't get away with the abusive > witch anymore. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2010 Report Share Posted August 16, 2010 " too sick " Yeah, she was always too sick to do anything and everything that needed to be done. . . and she had these pretendy sick behaviors, whining, carrying around a bandana, rubbing her eyes - mainly this fakey voice she would take on. To this day, if I see someone who is remotely " acting " out a role (if they do it badly enough that I can spot it), I freak out and have to get away from them - BPD or not, I can't handle it. Sometimes I can't even handle kids in drama club and stuff like that. And reading books in the kitchen - my nada read in her bed, and that is almost all she did, other than be a a total and utter bitch that is. On Mon, Aug 16, 2010 at 2:43 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > I agree; I think " Witch " / " Queen " only works on us as long as we feel > physically afraid of our nadas (its easy to intimidate a child when you're > much larger and willing to smack the child around) or if nada retains some > kind of powerful financial control over us as adult children. > > Once we become sufficiently grown up, independent and self-supporting, if > nada can't physically threaten or terrify us anymore and if she can't wield > the power of money over us, nada switches instead to " Waif " mode and tries > to manipulate and control us using guilt to trigger pity and compassion in > us. > > Its all about control, about nada getting or maintaining control, > seemingly, any way she can. > > -Annie > > > > > > > I remember visiting friends' houses as a child, and being delightfully > shocked that their parents actually played with their children. My nada sat > for endless hours, all of her spare time in fact, reading books upon books > in the kitchen whilst chain smoking. There was no engagement with her > children other than to hit, scream, or otherwise abuse in hysterics. > > > > My nada was prone to endless 'witch' behaviour but now as she ages she > seems to be more 'waif' maybe because she can't get away with the abusive > witch anymore. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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