Re: Self-Identity?

[Guest guest]

Last night, I wrote this extremely long reply to everyone individually... and

then the power went out on my laptop.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies! I hope it's helped everyone else

as much as it's helped me, to know that it's normal for children of BPD to

experience these issues. Being reverted back to that child like mind frame is

very strange. It's a bit like losing control over your body but still being in

complete control at the same time... doing things naturally without thought.

Things you didn't even know you could do or forgot you can do. I have begun to

accept this state a bit more. It kind of makes you feel guilty at times because

it's very different from who everyone gave you permission to be... not to

mention confusing! At times it creates a vulnerability because people like to

try to push you into their ideals or values, and end up giving you an its

either-this-or-that paradigm. Which makes it hard because you feel the trained

urge to give into their wishes, but you have to stand your ground no matter what

because you know it's not right for you... or that you are still trying to

figure out if it's right for you or not.

Sometimes I wish life made more sense. lol

Thank you everyone again for replying! I was really touched to hear your own

stories and replies.

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> I've been reading a lot of posts on these forums. It always amazes me how

everyone seems to know exactly what myself and everyone else is going through.

I guess BPD parents seem to produce the same type of struggles in their

children. It's all been extremely helpful to know these struggles are not just

a personal character flaw and are perfectly normal for the children of BPD.

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> What happens when you get older and have to learn to deal with everything?

For the first time, I am away from my father, don't talk to him, have no

financial ties to him and I find myself completely clueless. I feel a lot like

a prisoner who has been in jail for two decades, and when they get out it's

exhilarating at first, but eventually they get overwhelmed. They are so used to

being controlled that they have no idea how to be free. And that is basically

where I'm at now.

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> I've literally had no real parenting. My father started brainwashing me at

only 3 years old, and my mother became highly verbally and physically abusive

for several years during my childhood. It only happened when my dad was

traveling a lot on business trips. I didn't do very well in school because I

was being drastically under challenged. I have had zero role models. All the

parenting I got was from books like " The Road Less Traveled " .

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> I've always thought I knew myself but apparently I didn't. I've spent my life

serving all my abusers, molding myself for their acceptance. With their words,

they've convinced me I am someone else. Now that I am entirely free, I feel a

bit like an innocent child child who doesn't know anything and is learning

everything for the first time. I find myself asking basic childlike questions;

" What is love? " ... " Is it supposed to feel like something? " ... " How do you know

what's right for you? " ... " How do you know if you like something or not? " And

numerous other what is this what is that questions.

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> Does anyone have any books they can recommend? This state I am in is

extremely vulnerable and rather frightening. Then again I guess some people

would give anything to go back to the innocent mainframe of a child. Anyone

else ever go through this? Or going through it now?

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