Why do I let it hurt so much EVEN NOW?

[Guest guest]

I've had a hard time reconciling things lately. Just a general depression, I

guess, that I'm thinking of trying to relieve by maybe doing some retail

shopping in a few minutes. ~

But first I sign on to my facebook this morning and the very first status I see

says:

" You're never too old for your Mama...I love mine. "

I am sitting here crying as I write those words. I literally stared at the

screen for 30 seconds. Then the comments that followed were, " My mom is on her

way here now! " and " I agree...cherish your mom! "

I'm torn between being super angry and really, really hurt.

Not by my friend, of course. She has no idea.

Just by the fact that I don't have that. Not now. Not then. Not ever.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I can't look at childhood pictures without them being covered in fingerprints of

someone who wants their childhood back.

I can't think about about my childhood without this overwhelming sadness washing

over me.

I don't want my adult years to be stolen like my childhood, but I feel powerless

to stop it all.

Do you ever feel permanently stained by this life? As if there is something

missing so great that you can never get it back?

[Guest guest]

*Do you ever feel permanently stained by this life? As if there is something

missing so great that you can never get it back*

Yes Yes Yes.

I feel emotional and physical pain whenever I am confronted with such

comments. In some cases I know that the person only means well and doesn't

know of my past. It still hurts. I feel that I have missed and will never

have the beautiful relationship that is the basis for them to feel

differently from me.

Whenever I am told that a mothers love is unconditional or that I should

seek advice from nada for life's decisions I flash back to a day in high

school. It was September 11th 2001. I spent all day after the news in

class after class with intelligent discussions of the events and appropriate

sadness from all. I felt for once in my life that I was sharing normal

grief with normal people. Towards the end of the day there was nada in the

doorway to my class. She was crying and said she had come to take me home

due to the events. I immediately begged to stay in school. A classmate

spoke up " she's you mother and she's worried about you, go with her,she

loves you " . I had no way then to convey how wrong that statement was. I

wanted to somehow tell him that if I went it would be for an all about her

pity and paranoia party.

Of course it was. I was taken home to listen to her cry about how worried

she was and poor her and how she couldn't handle the thought that something

would happen to me. I was angry and hurt and told her that the terrorists

were not going to attack a school with less than 600 students, that she had

no concern for my feelings, and that she had no understanding of what

happened today. I called her crazy, she called me ungrateful and mean.

[Guest guest]

*Do you ever feel permanently stained by this life? As if there is something

missing so great that you can never get it back*

Yes Yes Yes.

I feel emotional and physical pain whenever I am confronted with such

comments. In some cases I know that the person only means well and doesn't

know of my past. It still hurts. I feel that I have missed and will never

have the beautiful relationship that is the basis for them to feel

differently from me.

Whenever I am told that a mothers love is unconditional or that I should

seek advice from nada for life's decisions I flash back to a day in high

school. It was September 11th 2001. I spent all day after the news in

class after class with intelligent discussions of the events and appropriate

sadness from all. I felt for once in my life that I was sharing normal

grief with normal people. Towards the end of the day there was nada in the

doorway to my class. She was crying and said she had come to take me home

due to the events. I immediately begged to stay in school. A classmate

spoke up " she's you mother and she's worried about you, go with her,she

loves you " . I had no way then to convey how wrong that statement was. I

wanted to somehow tell him that if I went it would be for an all about her

pity and paranoia party.

Of course it was. I was taken home to listen to her cry about how worried

she was and poor her and how she couldn't handle the thought that something

would happen to me. I was angry and hurt and told her that the terrorists

were not going to attack a school with less than 600 students, that she had

no concern for my feelings, and that she had no understanding of what

happened today. I called her crazy, she called me ungrateful and mean.

[Guest guest]

*Do you ever feel permanently stained by this life? As if there is something

missing so great that you can never get it back*

Yes Yes Yes.

I feel emotional and physical pain whenever I am confronted with such

comments. In some cases I know that the person only means well and doesn't

know of my past. It still hurts. I feel that I have missed and will never

have the beautiful relationship that is the basis for them to feel

differently from me.

Whenever I am told that a mothers love is unconditional or that I should

seek advice from nada for life's decisions I flash back to a day in high

school. It was September 11th 2001. I spent all day after the news in

class after class with intelligent discussions of the events and appropriate

sadness from all. I felt for once in my life that I was sharing normal

grief with normal people. Towards the end of the day there was nada in the

doorway to my class. She was crying and said she had come to take me home

due to the events. I immediately begged to stay in school. A classmate

spoke up " she's you mother and she's worried about you, go with her,she

loves you " . I had no way then to convey how wrong that statement was. I

wanted to somehow tell him that if I went it would be for an all about her

pity and paranoia party.

Of course it was. I was taken home to listen to her cry about how worried

she was and poor her and how she couldn't handle the thought that something

would happen to me. I was angry and hurt and told her that the terrorists

were not going to attack a school with less than 600 students, that she had

no concern for my feelings, and that she had no understanding of what

happened today. I called her crazy, she called me ungrateful and mean.

[Guest guest]

I'll tell you what gets me - when I see a tattoo that says " mom. " or

indicattes how much someone loves thier mom. Because I'll tell you what, my

tattoo reminds me that I need to protect myself from Nada. i've sort of

learned to scan for the " mom " posts on Fbook, and I make sure I skip over

them without reading them.

So today my boss said something like we need to look for business opps with

our moms, dads, cousins, aunts, uncles etc. . .

I guess I'm out of the closet because I said, " But I don't have any of those

people. "

It didn't really trigger me though. Just a statement of fact. And she

responded very kindly, " I know, but you have LOTS and LOTS of friends. "

>

>

>

> Wow. This sounds so familiar. I can completely relate to what you went

> through. When 9/11 happened, I was in the hospital with my youngest son who

> was 2 and had had foot surgery. My mother called me, yelling, " GET THE HELL

> OUT OF THAT HOSPITAL!! THERE'S ANOTHER PLANE AND THERE ARE REPORTS IT MIGHT

> BE HEADED FOR ATLANTA! " This is just what I needed. My baby had pins in his

> feet and had been out of surgery less than 24 hours and I'm a mile from the

> CDC. I have no idea what she's talking about. She was in complete panic

> mode. But just like your mother, it was all about her worries and concerns

> and veiled with " I'm so worried about YOU. " She's not worried about me,

> she's worried for herself.

>

>

>

>

> Re: Why do I let it hurt so much EVEN NOW?

>

> *Do you ever feel permanently stained by this life? As if there is

> something

> missing so great that you can never get it back*

>

> Yes Yes Yes.

> I feel emotional and physical pain whenever I am confronted with such

> comments. In some cases I know that the person only means well and doesn't

> know of my past. It still hurts. I feel that I have missed and will never

> have the beautiful relationship that is the basis for them to feel

> differently from me.

>

> Whenever I am told that a mothers love is unconditional or that I should

> seek advice from nada for life's decisions I flash back to a day in high

> school. It was September 11th 2001. I spent all day after the news in

> class after class with intelligent discussions of the events and

> appropriate

> sadness from all. I felt for once in my life that I was sharing normal

> grief with normal people. Towards the end of the day there was nada in the

> doorway to my class. She was crying and said she had come to take me home

> due to the events. I immediately begged to stay in school. A classmate

> spoke up " she's you mother and she's worried about you, go with her,she

> loves you " . I had no way then to convey how wrong that statement was. I

> wanted to somehow tell him that if I went it would be for an all about her

> pity and paranoia party.

>

> Of course it was. I was taken home to listen to her cry about how worried

> she was and poor her and how she couldn't handle the thought that something

> would happen to me. I was angry and hurt and told her that the terrorists

> were not going to attack a school with less than 600 students, that she had

> no concern for my feelings, and that she had no understanding of what

> happened today. I called her crazy, she called me ungrateful and mean.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'll tell you what gets me - when I see a tattoo that says " mom. " or

indicattes how much someone loves thier mom. Because I'll tell you what, my

tattoo reminds me that I need to protect myself from Nada. i've sort of

learned to scan for the " mom " posts on Fbook, and I make sure I skip over

them without reading them.

So today my boss said something like we need to look for business opps with

our moms, dads, cousins, aunts, uncles etc. . .

I guess I'm out of the closet because I said, " But I don't have any of those

people. "

It didn't really trigger me though. Just a statement of fact. And she

responded very kindly, " I know, but you have LOTS and LOTS of friends. "

>

>

>

> Wow. This sounds so familiar. I can completely relate to what you went

> through. When 9/11 happened, I was in the hospital with my youngest son who

> was 2 and had had foot surgery. My mother called me, yelling, " GET THE HELL

> OUT OF THAT HOSPITAL!! THERE'S ANOTHER PLANE AND THERE ARE REPORTS IT MIGHT

> BE HEADED FOR ATLANTA! " This is just what I needed. My baby had pins in his

> feet and had been out of surgery less than 24 hours and I'm a mile from the

> CDC. I have no idea what she's talking about. She was in complete panic

> mode. But just like your mother, it was all about her worries and concerns

> and veiled with " I'm so worried about YOU. " She's not worried about me,

> she's worried for herself.

>

>

>

>

> Re: Why do I let it hurt so much EVEN NOW?

>

> *Do you ever feel permanently stained by this life? As if there is

> something

> missing so great that you can never get it back*

>

> Yes Yes Yes.

> I feel emotional and physical pain whenever I am confronted with such

> comments. In some cases I know that the person only means well and doesn't

> know of my past. It still hurts. I feel that I have missed and will never

> have the beautiful relationship that is the basis for them to feel

> differently from me.

>

> Whenever I am told that a mothers love is unconditional or that I should

> seek advice from nada for life's decisions I flash back to a day in high

> school. It was September 11th 2001. I spent all day after the news in

> class after class with intelligent discussions of the events and

> appropriate

> sadness from all. I felt for once in my life that I was sharing normal

> grief with normal people. Towards the end of the day there was nada in the

> doorway to my class. She was crying and said she had come to take me home

> due to the events. I immediately begged to stay in school. A classmate

> spoke up " she's you mother and she's worried about you, go with her,she

> loves you " . I had no way then to convey how wrong that statement was. I

> wanted to somehow tell him that if I went it would be for an all about her

> pity and paranoia party.

>

> Of course it was. I was taken home to listen to her cry about how worried

> she was and poor her and how she couldn't handle the thought that something

> would happen to me. I was angry and hurt and told her that the terrorists

> were not going to attack a school with less than 600 students, that she had

> no concern for my feelings, and that she had no understanding of what

> happened today. I called her crazy, she called me ungrateful and mean.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'll tell you what gets me - when I see a tattoo that says " mom. " or

indicattes how much someone loves thier mom. Because I'll tell you what, my

tattoo reminds me that I need to protect myself from Nada. i've sort of

learned to scan for the " mom " posts on Fbook, and I make sure I skip over

them without reading them.

So today my boss said something like we need to look for business opps with

our moms, dads, cousins, aunts, uncles etc. . .

I guess I'm out of the closet because I said, " But I don't have any of those

people. "

It didn't really trigger me though. Just a statement of fact. And she

responded very kindly, " I know, but you have LOTS and LOTS of friends. "

>

>

>

> Wow. This sounds so familiar. I can completely relate to what you went

> through. When 9/11 happened, I was in the hospital with my youngest son who

> was 2 and had had foot surgery. My mother called me, yelling, " GET THE HELL

> OUT OF THAT HOSPITAL!! THERE'S ANOTHER PLANE AND THERE ARE REPORTS IT MIGHT

> BE HEADED FOR ATLANTA! " This is just what I needed. My baby had pins in his

> feet and had been out of surgery less than 24 hours and I'm a mile from the

> CDC. I have no idea what she's talking about. She was in complete panic

> mode. But just like your mother, it was all about her worries and concerns

> and veiled with " I'm so worried about YOU. " She's not worried about me,

> she's worried for herself.

>

>

>

>

> Re: Why do I let it hurt so much EVEN NOW?

>

> *Do you ever feel permanently stained by this life? As if there is

> something

> missing so great that you can never get it back*

>

> Yes Yes Yes.

> I feel emotional and physical pain whenever I am confronted with such

> comments. In some cases I know that the person only means well and doesn't

> know of my past. It still hurts. I feel that I have missed and will never

> have the beautiful relationship that is the basis for them to feel

> differently from me.

>

> Whenever I am told that a mothers love is unconditional or that I should

> seek advice from nada for life's decisions I flash back to a day in high

> school. It was September 11th 2001. I spent all day after the news in

> class after class with intelligent discussions of the events and

> appropriate

> sadness from all. I felt for once in my life that I was sharing normal

> grief with normal people. Towards the end of the day there was nada in the

> doorway to my class. She was crying and said she had come to take me home

> due to the events. I immediately begged to stay in school. A classmate

> spoke up " she's you mother and she's worried about you, go with her,she

> loves you " . I had no way then to convey how wrong that statement was. I

> wanted to somehow tell him that if I went it would be for an all about her

> pity and paranoia party.

>

> Of course it was. I was taken home to listen to her cry about how worried

> she was and poor her and how she couldn't handle the thought that something

> would happen to me. I was angry and hurt and told her that the terrorists

> were not going to attack a school with less than 600 students, that she had

> no concern for my feelings, and that she had no understanding of what

> happened today. I called her crazy, she called me ungrateful and mean.

>

>

>

>