my BP Mom hates my husband...

[Guest guest]

I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I don't even

know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at least someone to

relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the impact of my Mom's BP on

my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years than it ever was when I was

growing up (didn't even know what it was until the past few years). At any rate,

I got married 4 years ago...have a beautiful 20mo. old baby girl and recently

found out I am pregnant again. I am struggling because for the past few years my

mom has found a ton of things wrong with my husband. Some months are better than

others, but overall I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way

of doing things/opinions that are stated to be the gospel and negative comments

about everything my husband is and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over

this, especially now that I am about to have another child. My mom has always

been a big part of my life and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only

focus on one side of a person...not the person as a whole. My husband is beyond

frustrated and not able to understand her mental condition, and I feel

completely helpless. Has anyone else dealt with anything similar??

Thanks!

[Guest guest]

Hi Marcie,

Welcome to the Group. Yes, many of us here grew up with bossy, domineering,

controlling mothers or fathers who feel entitled to dominate us even after we're

adults. I can understand how upset and frustrated you must feel to not be

respected as the separate, autonomous adult that you are, and your husband must

feel even more upset and frustrated because his hands are tied. He can't stand

up to your mother for you, only you can do that. But its very, very difficult

when you've been trained from birth to never contradict her or have a different

opinion or stand up for yourself.

You can perhaps start by understanding more about personality disorder and the

need to set and maintain reasonable boundaries with a personality-disordered

person who is being too intrusive and enmeshing and domineering with you. " Stop

Walking On Eggshells " and its workbook are good, and " Understanding The

Borderline Mother " and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " are also good.

Congrats on your growing family; I think you are right to be concerned about

your mother's behaviors; allowing such an intrusive, inappropriate presence can

cause friction and disharmony and potentially be destructive to your marriage

*if you don't put your foot down.*

The bottom line is that you can't change your mother's behaviors, all you can do

is change how you, yourself, respond to her. You can be passive and just let

her continue to do and say these destructive things, or you can be assertive and

say, " That's not OK, mom. "

One hard part is realizing that you *can* be assertive, that you have the

*right* to your adult separateness and self-determination, and it doesn't make

you a bad person or a bad daughter to set up reasonable boundaries with your

mother and give consequences if she violates them. You have the right to be

respected as an adult, a wife and a mother, by your own mother.

The other hard part is to *refuse to feel inappropriate guilt* when your mother

reacts badly to being given these normal, reasonable boundaries.

So, welcome to the Group; this place is all about mutual support, validation,

and sharing problems and progress on our individual roads to healing from the

emotional abuse caused by bpd parents.

-Annie

>

> I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I don't even

know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at least someone to

relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the impact of my Mom's BP on

my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years than it ever was when I was

growing up (didn't even know what it was until the past few years). At any rate,

I got married 4 years ago...have a beautiful 20mo. old baby girl and recently

found out I am pregnant again. I am struggling because for the past few years my

mom has found a ton of things wrong with my husband. Some months are better than

others, but overall I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way

of doing things/opinions that are stated to be the gospel and negative comments

about everything my husband is and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over

this, especially now that I am about to have another child. My mom has always

been a big part of my life and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only

focus on one side of a person...not the person as a whole. My husband is beyond

frustrated and not able to understand her mental condition, and I feel

completely helpless. Has anyone else dealt with anything similar??

>

> Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Marcie,

Welcome to the Group. Yes, many of us here grew up with bossy, domineering,

controlling mothers or fathers who feel entitled to dominate us even after we're

adults. I can understand how upset and frustrated you must feel to not be

respected as the separate, autonomous adult that you are, and your husband must

feel even more upset and frustrated because his hands are tied. He can't stand

up to your mother for you, only you can do that. But its very, very difficult

when you've been trained from birth to never contradict her or have a different

opinion or stand up for yourself.

You can perhaps start by understanding more about personality disorder and the

need to set and maintain reasonable boundaries with a personality-disordered

person who is being too intrusive and enmeshing and domineering with you. " Stop

Walking On Eggshells " and its workbook are good, and " Understanding The

Borderline Mother " and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " are also good.

Congrats on your growing family; I think you are right to be concerned about

your mother's behaviors; allowing such an intrusive, inappropriate presence can

cause friction and disharmony and potentially be destructive to your marriage

*if you don't put your foot down.*

The bottom line is that you can't change your mother's behaviors, all you can do

is change how you, yourself, respond to her. You can be passive and just let

her continue to do and say these destructive things, or you can be assertive and

say, " That's not OK, mom. "

One hard part is realizing that you *can* be assertive, that you have the

*right* to your adult separateness and self-determination, and it doesn't make

you a bad person or a bad daughter to set up reasonable boundaries with your

mother and give consequences if she violates them. You have the right to be

respected as an adult, a wife and a mother, by your own mother.

The other hard part is to *refuse to feel inappropriate guilt* when your mother

reacts badly to being given these normal, reasonable boundaries.

So, welcome to the Group; this place is all about mutual support, validation,

and sharing problems and progress on our individual roads to healing from the

emotional abuse caused by bpd parents.

-Annie

>

> I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I don't even

know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at least someone to

relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the impact of my Mom's BP on

my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years than it ever was when I was

growing up (didn't even know what it was until the past few years). At any rate,

I got married 4 years ago...have a beautiful 20mo. old baby girl and recently

found out I am pregnant again. I am struggling because for the past few years my

mom has found a ton of things wrong with my husband. Some months are better than

others, but overall I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way

of doing things/opinions that are stated to be the gospel and negative comments

about everything my husband is and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over

this, especially now that I am about to have another child. My mom has always

been a big part of my life and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only

focus on one side of a person...not the person as a whole. My husband is beyond

frustrated and not able to understand her mental condition, and I feel

completely helpless. Has anyone else dealt with anything similar??

>

> Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Marcie,

Welcome to the Group. Yes, many of us here grew up with bossy, domineering,

controlling mothers or fathers who feel entitled to dominate us even after we're

adults. I can understand how upset and frustrated you must feel to not be

respected as the separate, autonomous adult that you are, and your husband must

feel even more upset and frustrated because his hands are tied. He can't stand

up to your mother for you, only you can do that. But its very, very difficult

when you've been trained from birth to never contradict her or have a different

opinion or stand up for yourself.

You can perhaps start by understanding more about personality disorder and the

need to set and maintain reasonable boundaries with a personality-disordered

person who is being too intrusive and enmeshing and domineering with you. " Stop

Walking On Eggshells " and its workbook are good, and " Understanding The

Borderline Mother " and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " are also good.

Congrats on your growing family; I think you are right to be concerned about

your mother's behaviors; allowing such an intrusive, inappropriate presence can

cause friction and disharmony and potentially be destructive to your marriage

*if you don't put your foot down.*

The bottom line is that you can't change your mother's behaviors, all you can do

is change how you, yourself, respond to her. You can be passive and just let

her continue to do and say these destructive things, or you can be assertive and

say, " That's not OK, mom. "

One hard part is realizing that you *can* be assertive, that you have the

*right* to your adult separateness and self-determination, and it doesn't make

you a bad person or a bad daughter to set up reasonable boundaries with your

mother and give consequences if she violates them. You have the right to be

respected as an adult, a wife and a mother, by your own mother.

The other hard part is to *refuse to feel inappropriate guilt* when your mother

reacts badly to being given these normal, reasonable boundaries.

So, welcome to the Group; this place is all about mutual support, validation,

and sharing problems and progress on our individual roads to healing from the

emotional abuse caused by bpd parents.

-Annie

>

> I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I don't even

know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at least someone to

relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the impact of my Mom's BP on

my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years than it ever was when I was

growing up (didn't even know what it was until the past few years). At any rate,

I got married 4 years ago...have a beautiful 20mo. old baby girl and recently

found out I am pregnant again. I am struggling because for the past few years my

mom has found a ton of things wrong with my husband. Some months are better than

others, but overall I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way

of doing things/opinions that are stated to be the gospel and negative comments

about everything my husband is and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over

this, especially now that I am about to have another child. My mom has always

been a big part of my life and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only

focus on one side of a person...not the person as a whole. My husband is beyond

frustrated and not able to understand her mental condition, and I feel

completely helpless. Has anyone else dealt with anything similar??

>

> Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

Hey sweetie, Welcome. It sounds like she is splitting him and scapegoating

him. I wonder if you might want to seek therapy too, esp since you have a

baby on the way. We are here for you.

Hugs, Girlscout

On Wed, Sep 8, 2010 at 9:51 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Hi Marcie,

>

> Welcome to the Group. Yes, many of us here grew up with bossy, domineering,

> controlling mothers or fathers who feel entitled to dominate us even after

> we're adults. I can understand how upset and frustrated you must feel to not

> be respected as the separate, autonomous adult that you are, and your

> husband must feel even more upset and frustrated because his hands are tied.

> He can't stand up to your mother for you, only you can do that. But its

> very, very difficult when you've been trained from birth to never contradict

> her or have a different opinion or stand up for yourself.

>

> You can perhaps start by understanding more about personality disorder and

> the need to set and maintain reasonable boundaries with a

> personality-disordered person who is being too intrusive and enmeshing and

> domineering with you. " Stop Walking On Eggshells " and its workbook are good,

> and " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and " Surviving a Borderline

> Parent " are also good.

>

> Congrats on your growing family; I think you are right to be concerned

> about your mother's behaviors; allowing such an intrusive, inappropriate

> presence can cause friction and disharmony and potentially be destructive to

> your marriage *if you don't put your foot down.*

>

> The bottom line is that you can't change your mother's behaviors, all you

> can do is change how you, yourself, respond to her. You can be passive and

> just let her continue to do and say these destructive things, or you can be

> assertive and say, " That's not OK, mom. "

>

> One hard part is realizing that you *can* be assertive, that you have the

> *right* to your adult separateness and self-determination, and it doesn't

> make you a bad person or a bad daughter to set up reasonable boundaries with

> your mother and give consequences if she violates them. You have the right

> to be respected as an adult, a wife and a mother, by your own mother.

>

> The other hard part is to *refuse to feel inappropriate guilt* when your

> mother reacts badly to being given these normal, reasonable boundaries.

>

> So, welcome to the Group; this place is all about mutual support,

> validation, and sharing problems and progress on our individual roads to

> healing from the emotional abuse caused by bpd parents.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I don't

> even know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at least

> someone to relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the impact of

> my Mom's BP on my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years than it

> ever was when I was growing up (didn't even know what it was until the past

> few years). At any rate, I got married 4 years ago...have a beautiful 20mo.

> old baby girl and recently found out I am pregnant again. I am struggling

> because for the past few years my mom has found a ton of things wrong with

> my husband. Some months are better than others, but overall I feel like I am

> stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way of doing things/opinions that are

> stated to be the gospel and negative comments about everything my husband is

> and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over this, especially now that I

> am about to have another child. My mom has always been a big part of my life

> and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only focus on one side of a

> person...not the person as a whole. My husband is beyond frustrated and not

> able to understand her mental condition, and I feel completely helpless. Has

> anyone else dealt with anything similar??

> >

> > Thanks!

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hey sweetie, Welcome. It sounds like she is splitting him and scapegoating

him. I wonder if you might want to seek therapy too, esp since you have a

baby on the way. We are here for you.

Hugs, Girlscout

On Wed, Sep 8, 2010 at 9:51 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Hi Marcie,

>

> Welcome to the Group. Yes, many of us here grew up with bossy, domineering,

> controlling mothers or fathers who feel entitled to dominate us even after

> we're adults. I can understand how upset and frustrated you must feel to not

> be respected as the separate, autonomous adult that you are, and your

> husband must feel even more upset and frustrated because his hands are tied.

> He can't stand up to your mother for you, only you can do that. But its

> very, very difficult when you've been trained from birth to never contradict

> her or have a different opinion or stand up for yourself.

>

> You can perhaps start by understanding more about personality disorder and

> the need to set and maintain reasonable boundaries with a

> personality-disordered person who is being too intrusive and enmeshing and

> domineering with you. " Stop Walking On Eggshells " and its workbook are good,

> and " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and " Surviving a Borderline

> Parent " are also good.

>

> Congrats on your growing family; I think you are right to be concerned

> about your mother's behaviors; allowing such an intrusive, inappropriate

> presence can cause friction and disharmony and potentially be destructive to

> your marriage *if you don't put your foot down.*

>

> The bottom line is that you can't change your mother's behaviors, all you

> can do is change how you, yourself, respond to her. You can be passive and

> just let her continue to do and say these destructive things, or you can be

> assertive and say, " That's not OK, mom. "

>

> One hard part is realizing that you *can* be assertive, that you have the

> *right* to your adult separateness and self-determination, and it doesn't

> make you a bad person or a bad daughter to set up reasonable boundaries with

> your mother and give consequences if she violates them. You have the right

> to be respected as an adult, a wife and a mother, by your own mother.

>

> The other hard part is to *refuse to feel inappropriate guilt* when your

> mother reacts badly to being given these normal, reasonable boundaries.

>

> So, welcome to the Group; this place is all about mutual support,

> validation, and sharing problems and progress on our individual roads to

> healing from the emotional abuse caused by bpd parents.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I don't

> even know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at least

> someone to relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the impact of

> my Mom's BP on my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years than it

> ever was when I was growing up (didn't even know what it was until the past

> few years). At any rate, I got married 4 years ago...have a beautiful 20mo.

> old baby girl and recently found out I am pregnant again. I am struggling

> because for the past few years my mom has found a ton of things wrong with

> my husband. Some months are better than others, but overall I feel like I am

> stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way of doing things/opinions that are

> stated to be the gospel and negative comments about everything my husband is

> and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over this, especially now that I

> am about to have another child. My mom has always been a big part of my life

> and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only focus on one side of a

> person...not the person as a whole. My husband is beyond frustrated and not

> able to understand her mental condition, and I feel completely helpless. Has

> anyone else dealt with anything similar??

> >

> > Thanks!

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie...

Still getting used to the format of this forum. I have gotten a ton of emails

already and I am trying to figure out the best way to keep up with my own

entries and the replies and how to reply to others properly. If you can give me

any pointers that would be helpful.

Thanks for replying to my post. I actually did read Walking on Eggshells and

found it very helpful. After doing a little research, I was actually the one to

get my mom into some sort of counseling after diagnosing her with this disorder

myself. Fortunately my Mom was at a low enough place that she was open to the

diagnosis and is going to counseling. However, I do not believe she is anywhere

near ready to fully understand all that she does that is related to the disorder

or make many moves to change. I know I can not change her, but I have definitely

started to create boundaries for myself.

I think that the main thing that has kept me stuck, feeling a bit crazy myself,

is that my Mom was at one point very high functioning. I was her first child and

I encountered an incredibly good and stable childhood up to a certain

point....much more so than my younger sister or brother ever did. When my world

slowly started crumbling it really left me feeling like I had to be the one to

fix things...although I know logically I can't...I continue to be overtaken by

the guilt.

I have been really good about telling my Mom that needs to respect me and that

her accusations and negativity really affect me, but sometimes this seems to

cause even more tension and negativity. The hardest and most confusing part for

me is that my Mom is very intelligent and perceptive and many times her comments

about my husband are dead-on! The problem is...all she sees is the negative and

she manipulates examples and the problems to be much much worse than they

actually are. The hint of truth is what always makes me question myself, so what

I really need help with is learning how to detach from her opinions, even when

there is some truth to them.

I am very committed to my marriage and I love my Mom dearly. It is really hard

to have to separate the two...and I find myself " walking on eggshells " to keep

whatever little peace exists. I have developed great anxiety over the situation

with my Mom and I want to find a way to tackle it. It is so very hard when you

love someone so much, but feel anxious and angry towards them at the same time.

I just end up feeling confused and hurt much of the time.

I constantly validate my husband and tell him I support him and my family above

all else, but I am in a lot of pain now, because he has become stubborn too. I

would also like to find a way to get him to understand more about my Mom's

condition so that he won't take everything so personally and possibly be a

little more supportive of the position I am in, since I am giving him every bit

of support I can. His attitude when he is around her now, is only feeding the

negative impression, and that only helps my Mom to justify her opinion of him.

Sorry to go on and on...but wanted to get a little more out about this

situation. It is helping already to read some of the other posts on this

site....thanks for any more input/advice.

-Marcie

Subject: Re: my BP Mom hates my husband...

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, September 8, 2010, 11:51 AM

Â

Hi Marcie,

Welcome to the Group. Yes, many of us here grew up with bossy, domineering,

controlling mothers or fathers who feel entitled to dominate us even after we're

adults. I can understand how upset and frustrated you must feel to not be

respected as the separate, autonomous adult that you are, and your husband must

feel even more upset and frustrated because his hands are tied. He can't stand

up to your mother for you, only you can do that. But its very, very difficult

when you've been trained from birth to never contradict her or have a different

opinion or stand up for yourself.

You can perhaps start by understanding more about personality disorder and the

need to set and maintain reasonable boundaries with a personality-disordered

person who is being too intrusive and enmeshing and domineering with you. " Stop

Walking On Eggshells " and its workbook are good, and " Understanding The

Borderline Mother " and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " are also good.

Congrats on your growing family; I think you are right to be concerned about

your mother's behaviors; allowing such an intrusive, inappropriate presence can

cause friction and disharmony and potentially be destructive to your marriage

*if you don't put your foot down.*

The bottom line is that you can't change your mother's behaviors, all you can do

is change how you, yourself, respond to her. You can be passive and just let

her continue to do and say these destructive things, or you can be assertive and

say, " That's not OK, mom. "

One hard part is realizing that you *can* be assertive, that you have the

*right* to your adult separateness and self-determination, and it doesn't make

you a bad person or a bad daughter to set up reasonable boundaries with your

mother and give consequences if she violates them. You have the right to be

respected as an adult, a wife and a mother, by your own mother.

The other hard part is to *refuse to feel inappropriate guilt* when your mother

reacts badly to being given these normal, reasonable boundaries.

So, welcome to the Group; this place is all about mutual support, validation,

and sharing problems and progress on our individual roads to healing from the

emotional abuse caused by bpd parents.

-Annie

>

> I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I don't even

know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at least someone to

relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the impact of my Mom's BP on

my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years than it ever was when I was

growing up (didn't even know what it was until the past few years). At any rate,

I got married 4 years ago...have a beautiful 20mo. old baby girl and recently

found out I am pregnant again. I am struggling because for the past few years my

mom has found a ton of things wrong with my husband. Some months are better than

others, but overall I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way

of doing things/opinions that are stated to be the gospel and negative comments

about everything my husband is and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over

this, especially now that I am about to have another child. My mom has always

been a big

part of my life and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only focus on

one side of a person...not the person as a whole. My husband is beyond

frustrated and not able to understand her mental condition, and I feel

completely helpless. Has anyone else dealt with anything similar??

>

> Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

RE the format of this Forum: you can go to the Yahoo Groups site and in

" Preferences " you can choose to just read the posts at the Group site instead of

receiving them as tons of e-mails.

RE your situation, maybe it would help to imagine how your life would be if the

shoe were on the other foot, so to speak. What if your husband's mother or

father hated you, took every opportunity to insult you, say ugly, hateful things

about you to your husband (based on minor flaws you actually have), urge your

husband to leave you.... and your husband did nothing except say to you, " You

have to understand, honey, that that's just the way she is. Don't take it

personally. "

Would you be able to just smile and say " OK, sweetheart " and not feel really

hurt every time your husband just remained silent and didn't stand up for you

when his mother denigrated and disrespected you?

Wouldn't that make you miserable, and wouldn't you feel betrayed and

unappreciated?

If you married a good man, but you're starting to buy into your mother's opinion

of your husband, then she's already dangerously toxic to your marriage. If I

were in your situation, that's the first boundary I'd make with momma: she is no

longer allowed to say negative things to you about your husband.

And it would be wise for you to refrain from discussing with your mother any

marital issues you and your husband are having with each other. That isn't a

safe topic to discuss with her, it would seem.

But that's just my opinion. Each person has to decide for herself or himself

what is and isn't tolerable.

-Annie

>

> >

>

> > I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I don't

even know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at least

someone to relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the impact of my

Mom's BP on my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years than it ever was

when I was growing up (didn't even know what it was until the past few years).

At any rate, I got married 4 years ago...have a beautiful 20mo. old baby girl

and recently found out I am pregnant again. I am struggling because for the past

few years my mom has found a ton of things wrong with my husband. Some months

are better than others, but overall I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of her

having a solid way of doing things/opinions that are stated to be the gospel and

negative comments about everything my husband is and does. I am extremely upset

and anxious over this, especially now that I am about to have another child. My

mom has always been a big

> part of my life and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only focus

on one side of a person...not the person as a whole. My husband is beyond

frustrated and not able to understand her mental condition, and I feel

completely helpless. Has anyone else dealt with anything similar??

>

> >

>

> > Thanks!

>

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh...I think you misunderstood a little of what I was saying.

First of all, I have never shared anything bad/problems with my marriage with my

Mom. I actually paint the picture as much prettier than it is even when I wish I

could talk to someone about my feelings. In all relationships we encounter

conflict and we all bring our own set of faults to the table. I am actually the

kind of person that keeps the bad feelings or temporary problems in any of my

relationships to myself/that person unless its an end all - be all sort of

situation (abuse, true end of a relationship, etc). So, my Mom knows nothing of

my own problems with my husband from my perspective...

What I was trying to say is that she is so perceptive that sometimes she picks

up on or points out things that are completely accurate and it is almost scary

how she sees them, when I think I have hidden them from her. I think she has

just become hyper-focused on the bad after a couple of valid observations a

couple years back...and its a case of that black or white thinking. My husband

has a lot of wonderful qualities, but there are definitely some things I have

problems with. Her noticing them sometimes makes me feel like they are worse

than they are, but I do not let her create false images about my husband that

make me question him/our marriage. I am able to see him as a whole. She

struggles with seeing the whole person all at once...its either horrible or

wonderful without much in between.

I often do imagine the opposite, and because of that I have never told my

husband to just suck it up and accept it. I listen to him all the time, and know

just how hard this is for him...as it is for me. I am a very empathetic person

and I have been VERY supportive and validated him and told him how sorry I am

that he is having to go through this. I was simply saying I would like to find a

way to get him to better understand her condition as I did, so that he could

feel a little more at ease. I feel as though you made it out to be me saying

" you just have to deal with it sweetie. " That was far from what I was trying to

say.

I have even gone to 2 counseling sessions with my Mom and told her that although

she is entitled to her opinion, she is not to say any more negative stuff to me.

It was a hard couple of sessions, but I did put my foot down. If she slips ever,

I walk away or ask her to leave immediately. I can't say that the conflict or

pushing her away is easy for me, but I am doing it to make her know where my

boundary is and to support my husband.

As far as what I am frustrated with my husband on is that he is so angry about

the past that he intentionally stirs the pot sometimes with a bad attitude, when

my Mom is actually making an effort to reach out to him and try to redefine him.

She has done this on multiple occasions since I drew that line, and only I wish

he could just refrain from acting that way when she is trying to be

pleasant...at the very least...to support me and maybe even allow my Mom to see

the positive aspects.

on a side note, she has not attacked him directly or told me to leave him ever.

I hope this clears up your misinterpretation of my situation....

Subject: Re: my BP Mom hates my husband...

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, September 8, 2010, 2:23 PM

Â

RE the format of this Forum: you can go to the Yahoo Groups site and in

" Preferences " you can choose to just read the posts at the Group site instead of

receiving them as tons of e-mails.

RE your situation, maybe it would help to imagine how your life would be if the

shoe were on the other foot, so to speak. What if your husband's mother or

father hated you, took every opportunity to insult you, say ugly, hateful things

about you to your husband (based on minor flaws you actually have), urge your

husband to leave you.... and your husband did nothing except say to you, " You

have to understand, honey, that that's just the way she is. Don't take it

personally. "

Would you be able to just smile and say " OK, sweetheart " and not feel really

hurt every time your husband just remained silent and didn't stand up for you

when his mother denigrated and disrespected you?

Wouldn't that make you miserable, and wouldn't you feel betrayed and

unappreciated?

If you married a good man, but you're starting to buy into your mother's opinion

of your husband, then she's already dangerously toxic to your marriage. If I

were in your situation, that's the first boundary I'd make with momma: she is no

longer allowed to say negative things to you about your husband.

And it would be wise for you to refrain from discussing with your mother any

marital issues you and your husband are having with each other. That isn't a

safe topic to discuss with her, it would seem.

But that's just my opinion. Each person has to decide for herself or himself

what is and isn't tolerable.

-Annie

>

> >

>

> > I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I don't

even know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at least

someone to relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the impact of my

Mom's BP on my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years than it ever was

when I was growing up (didn't even know what it was until the past few years).

At any rate, I got married 4 years ago...have a beautiful 20mo. old baby girl

and recently found out I am pregnant again. I am struggling because for the past

few years my mom has found a ton of things wrong with my husband. Some months

are better than others, but overall I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of her

having a solid way of doing things/opinions that are stated to be the gospel and

negative comments about everything my husband is and does. I am extremely upset

and anxious over this, especially now that I am about to have another child. My

mom has always been a

big

> part of my life and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only focus

on one side of a person...not the person as a whole. My husband is beyond

frustrated and not able to understand her mental condition, and I feel

completely helpless. Has anyone else dealt with anything similar??

>

> >

>

> > Thanks!

>

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

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>

[Guest guest]

My mother was jealous of any relationship that I had with someone other than her

and ensured that she sabotagued it at every turn. I had several boyfriends who

simply walked away, with no explanation. I suspect she had a hand in it.

With my husband, she tried everything. She sent her husband over to my then

boyfriends house to intimidate him. She met with his mother to convince her that

I was crazy and manipulative (Pot meet Kettle.. LOL!), but thankfully they

didn't fall for it. Mostly because my future MIL had trained as a psychiatric

nurse and knew that she wasn't " right " .

Anyway, her delusions about him escalated. To the point where he would leave on

excercise and she'd call me up telling me stories about how he came to confess

his infedelities...etc etc etc.

It came to a point where I simply ignored the behavior. When it started to get

bad again, I limited contact to written form only (she began to twist my words

and make things up). Then, pretty soon when she wasn't getting what she wanted

from me, she cut off contact altogether.

She never even came to my wedding. Not that I invited her because I knew she'd

start shit.

To be blunt, you do need to choose between your family (IE-husband and chikdren)

and having a healthy relationship with them, and your mother. She is not

healthy. If this is affecting your family life, then you need to set her

straight.

It does NOT matter what she thinks of your husband, it's frankly none of her

business. HE is the person you married, who you love and whom you have chosen to

spend your life with.

>

> I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I don't even

know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at least someone to

relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the impact of my Mom's BP on

my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years than it ever was when I was

growing up (didn't even know what it was until the past few years). At any rate,

I got married 4 years ago...have a beautiful 20mo. old baby girl and recently

found out I am pregnant again. I am struggling because for the past few years my

mom has found a ton of things wrong with my husband. Some months are better than

others, but overall I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way

of doing things/opinions that are stated to be the gospel and negative comments

about everything my husband is and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over

this, especially now that I am about to have another child. My mom has always

been a big part of my life and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only

focus on one side of a person...not the person as a whole. My husband is beyond

frustrated and not able to understand her mental condition, and I feel

completely helpless. Has anyone else dealt with anything similar??

>

> Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

Hmmm, personally, if I had a BPD mother-in-law who hated me, I might not

feel like being civil, respectful etc to her either!

I wonder if you are cutting your nada too much slack. Usually when people on

this group say " she's not that bad " they are falling into the FOG, and when

the snap out of it, its like Whoa, how did I fall for that? Only you know

what's true for you, but BPD is a MAJOR sickness and usually affects every

single relationship we have.

>

>

> My mother was jealous of any relationship that I had with someone other

> than her and ensured that she sabotagued it at every turn. I had several

> boyfriends who simply walked away, with no explanation. I suspect she had a

> hand in it.

>

> With my husband, she tried everything. She sent her husband over to my then

> boyfriends house to intimidate him. She met with his mother to convince her

> that I was crazy and manipulative (Pot meet Kettle.. LOL!), but thankfully

> they didn't fall for it. Mostly because my future MIL had trained as a

> psychiatric nurse and knew that she wasn't " right " .

>

> Anyway, her delusions about him escalated. To the point where he would

> leave on excercise and she'd call me up telling me stories about how he came

> to confess his infedelities...etc etc etc.

>

> It came to a point where I simply ignored the behavior. When it started to

> get bad again, I limited contact to written form only (she began to twist my

> words and make things up). Then, pretty soon when she wasn't getting what

> she wanted from me, she cut off contact altogether.

>

> She never even came to my wedding. Not that I invited her because I knew

> she'd start shit.

>

> To be blunt, you do need to choose between your family (IE-husband and

> chikdren) and having a healthy relationship with them, and your mother. She

> is not healthy. If this is affecting your family life, then you need to set

> her straight.

>

> It does NOT matter what she thinks of your husband, it's frankly none of

> her business. HE is the person you married, who you love and whom you have

> chosen to spend your life with.

>

>

> >

> > I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I don't

> even know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at least

> someone to relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the impact of

> my Mom's BP on my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years than it

> ever was when I was growing up (didn't even know what it was until the past

> few years). At any rate, I got married 4 years ago...have a beautiful 20mo.

> old baby girl and recently found out I am pregnant again. I am struggling

> because for the past few years my mom has found a ton of things wrong with

> my husband. Some months are better than others, but overall I feel like I am

> stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way of doing things/opinions that are

> stated to be the gospel and negative comments about everything my husband is

> and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over this, especially now that I

> am about to have another child. My mom has always been a big part of my life

> and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only focus on one side of a

> person...not the person as a whole. My husband is beyond frustrated and not

> able to understand her mental condition, and I feel completely helpless. Has

> anyone else dealt with anything similar??

> >

> > Thanks!

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

yes agreed. But I have never seen my BPD issue a sincere apology so I don't

know if they can. And he also has the choice to accept it or not. Sometimes

its too late for an apology.

On Thu, Sep 9, 2010 at 1:29 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Has your mother made a sincere apology to your husband for whatever it is

> she did that hurt his feelings? If she did make a sincere apology and is now

> making a real effort to be polite, then, yes, the ball is in his court to

> accept the apology and make the effort to be polite also. But if your mother

> has never apologized, maybe that's what he's waiting for?

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > I appreciate your input. Honestly though, as good as it is to be able to

> relate to one another on a site like this...we do all have very unique

> scenarios. I guess in my case, I have never been the target of my Mom's

> disapproval or rage (it didn't really surface until I was gone to college),

> so this is the closest it has hit to me. She is also, very high functioning

> in some respects and has even been working on her disorder to a certain

> extent, yet there are other areas where she can not see beyond herself. So,

> I don't think I am in a FOG on this one. Its hard because she didn't always

> hate him, and when things used to be OK between us all, it was great. If I

> had NEVER experienced the good before, I don't know that I would be having

> such a hard time with all of this...the civil thing is something I feel he

> could do out of respect to me and ONLY when she is being civil to him am I

> asking that of him. I feel like she comes and goes in waves, but this wave

> > has lasted much longer than most. I have made a point to keep her away

> from him at any other times and put my foot down. I just feel like we are a

> team...and as hard as I am working, once a month when he has to be around

> her for an hour or two and she is being polite and trying, he could do the

> same....ahhh the frustration...

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

yes agreed. But I have never seen my BPD issue a sincere apology so I don't

know if they can. And he also has the choice to accept it or not. Sometimes

its too late for an apology.

On Thu, Sep 9, 2010 at 1:29 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Has your mother made a sincere apology to your husband for whatever it is

> she did that hurt his feelings? If she did make a sincere apology and is now

> making a real effort to be polite, then, yes, the ball is in his court to

> accept the apology and make the effort to be polite also. But if your mother

> has never apologized, maybe that's what he's waiting for?

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > I appreciate your input. Honestly though, as good as it is to be able to

> relate to one another on a site like this...we do all have very unique

> scenarios. I guess in my case, I have never been the target of my Mom's

> disapproval or rage (it didn't really surface until I was gone to college),

> so this is the closest it has hit to me. She is also, very high functioning

> in some respects and has even been working on her disorder to a certain

> extent, yet there are other areas where she can not see beyond herself. So,

> I don't think I am in a FOG on this one. Its hard because she didn't always

> hate him, and when things used to be OK between us all, it was great. If I

> had NEVER experienced the good before, I don't know that I would be having

> such a hard time with all of this...the civil thing is something I feel he

> could do out of respect to me and ONLY when she is being civil to him am I

> asking that of him. I feel like she comes and goes in waves, but this wave

> > has lasted much longer than most. I have made a point to keep her away

> from him at any other times and put my foot down. I just feel like we are a

> team...and as hard as I am working, once a month when he has to be around

> her for an hour or two and she is being polite and trying, he could do the

> same....ahhh the frustration...

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

yes agreed. But I have never seen my BPD issue a sincere apology so I don't

know if they can. And he also has the choice to accept it or not. Sometimes

its too late for an apology.

On Thu, Sep 9, 2010 at 1:29 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Has your mother made a sincere apology to your husband for whatever it is

> she did that hurt his feelings? If she did make a sincere apology and is now

> making a real effort to be polite, then, yes, the ball is in his court to

> accept the apology and make the effort to be polite also. But if your mother

> has never apologized, maybe that's what he's waiting for?

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > I appreciate your input. Honestly though, as good as it is to be able to

> relate to one another on a site like this...we do all have very unique

> scenarios. I guess in my case, I have never been the target of my Mom's

> disapproval or rage (it didn't really surface until I was gone to college),

> so this is the closest it has hit to me. She is also, very high functioning

> in some respects and has even been working on her disorder to a certain

> extent, yet there are other areas where she can not see beyond herself. So,

> I don't think I am in a FOG on this one. Its hard because she didn't always

> hate him, and when things used to be OK between us all, it was great. If I

> had NEVER experienced the good before, I don't know that I would be having

> such a hard time with all of this...the civil thing is something I feel he

> could do out of respect to me and ONLY when she is being civil to him am I

> asking that of him. I feel like she comes and goes in waves, but this wave

> > has lasted much longer than most. I have made a point to keep her away

> from him at any other times and put my foot down. I just feel like we are a

> team...and as hard as I am working, once a month when he has to be around

> her for an hour or two and she is being polite and trying, he could do the

> same....ahhh the frustration...

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah...I really think it is a common trend...I remember one of my boyfriends

that she felt this way about before.It bothered me, but not nearly this much.I

felt a bit more of a freedom and was at a very diff. Place then. When I married

my husband, my mom actually seemed to genuinely like him. Something changed a

couple years ago though and its been in a range of OK to terrible ever since.

The difficult thing for me is that I have a child and another on the way. My mom

adores our daughter and we are in a place financially that we need her help with

babysitting, etc. There is also the issue with my mom being divorced and an only

child with both parents gone. It seemed her worst symtoms hit once her father

passed. I have a sense of guilt and responsibility for her ever since. Life is

truly complicated and having a bp mom makes it near impossible at times...

>My boyfriend doesn't care for my nada too much. I usually don't bring him when

I visit her. Sometimes I ask him to come, like on holidays, but I really don't

want to pressure him to deal with her, it's my own decision that I am in contact

with her, not his. He already deals with so much because of her - like my weird

paranoias I have because of her, or if she stresses me out, or the fact that she

is so mean to my dad he is living with us now, or that we lock our doors at

night not to keep out strangers or robbers but HER.

>

>My nada switches between hating him and thinking he's perfect for me. He is

very shy and quiet, and she has this weird distrust of quiet people. She hates

my brothers girlfriend for the same reason. I also mentioned that he didn't have

much " experience " with girls and somehow she was convinced he was a pedophile! I

swear, she'd leave me long messages all about the perverted things he must be

into if he's not married by 30.

>

>Casey

>

>

>

>

>> >

>> > >

>> >

>> > > >

>> >

>> > >

>> >

>> > > > I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I

>> > don't even know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at

>> > least someone to relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the

>> > impact of my Mom's BP on my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years

>> > than it ever was when I was growing up (didn't even know what it was until

>> > the past few years). At any rate, I got married 4 years ago...have a

>> > beautiful 20mo. old baby girl and recently found out I am pregnant again. I

>> > am struggling because for the past few years my mom has found a ton of

>> > things wrong with my husband. Some months are better than others, but

>> > overall I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way of

doing

>> > things/opinions that are stated to be the gospel and negative comments

about

>> > everything my husband is and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over

>> > this, especially now that I am about to have another child. My mom has

>> > always been a

>> > big

>> >

>> > > part of my life and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only

>> > focus on one side of a person...not the person as a whole. My husband is

>> > beyond frustrated and not able to understand her mental condition, and I

>> > feel completely helpless. Has anyone else dealt with anything similar??

>> >

>> > >

>> >

>> > > >

>> >

>> > >

>> >

>> > > > Thanks!

>> >

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