Re: Class mate, possible ko

[Guest guest]

How does his behavior make *you* feel? Do you look forward to spending time

with this fellow, or not? Do you feel comfortable with his sudden, extreme

attachment to you, or not?

Me personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone who is so extremely

emotionally needy to the point of it being a one-way relationship, with me doing

all the listening and giving and him doing all the talking and taking.

Friendship and conversation are supposed to be two-way, not one-way.

Its as though he's decided that you are his therapist, and you've agreed to it.

If this were happening to me, personally, I'd steer this fellow toward the

school counselor who will probably suggest that he go into therapy. And I'd

gradually wean myself away from him if he shows no signs of growing to

understand the concept of a two-way conversation or the mutual give-and-take of

friendship. I am not trained to be a therapist and wouldn't be able to help

this fellow reach any kind of level of personal insight or awareness or help him

individuate and heal. All I could do would be to lend a sympathetic ear, and

after a while I would find that tiresome to only listen and nod sympathetically

about his problems. To me that's a therapist-patient relationship, not a

friendship.

But that's just my take on it; each person has to decide for himself or herself

what she can and can't tolerate.

-Annie

>

> Hello,

>

> Yet again I have a question. I am so sorry that I am so needy these days

>

> On the first day of classes a student in one of my classes introduced

> himself to me. Immediately it was clear that he was, for some reason,

> focusing on or attaching to me. At first I though it was a hitting on me

> type behavior and ignored it, just continues to speak politely to him. Now

> I am wondering if his mother is BPD or other PD and he somehow saw the same

> in me. He has that same desperate wants to share his life story thing going

> on that I used to do. Just like I was he seems over eager to talk about his

> life. Conversations with him are not at all normal. There is no back and

> forth. He can completly change the subject back to his life such as " hey,

> do you wanna know what I got for my birthday? " . All this does not strike me

> as him having the PD though. More like I used to be-a desperate attempt to

> hang on to anyone who is nice. It is so hard to explain this in writing.

> Anyway, through a few conversations I have noticed he seems to be in total

> fear of his mother. After he recently turned 21 he mentioned that he had a

> beer on his birthday and that his mother would never let him off the hook if

> she found out. That struck me as very controlling. I'm sure any mother

> would not want their child to get wasted but 1 beer hardly seems worth that

> amount of fear. Every conversation he mentions his mother and it always

> sounds the same--controlling.

>

> So, Is there anything I can do to help him? I want to open the door for him

> to look into BPD or just general abusive and contolling behaviors and see

> that this is not ok(if it is as I perceive). I don't want to come off as

> intruding and push him away. Am I just over thinking this? Should I

> broach the subject? How?

>

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