Stay or Go Away?

[Guest guest]

Hi, I am new to this group so bear with me if I seem naive or ignorant to any of

the facts regarding BPD.

First off, I will tell you that I had never heard of bpd until this week. I

noticed a book at the bookstore " Stop Walking on Eggshells " and read about the

characteristics of someone suffering from BPD and new instantly that it is what

my mother has.

Ever since I was little, I feel like I have been dealing with a ticking time

bomb. I never know what I will do or say that will make my mother go off in an

irrational verbal rage. Outside of the house, she'll tell everyone that I'm

such a good daughter and her pride and joy, but in the house she'll accuse me of

being a failure, not capable of love, and not having a life.

It can be something so small as not chewing my food the " right " way that sets

her off. She'll think that I hate the meal, which in her mind means I hate how

she cooks, and, because of that, I hate her. I don't know how many times I can

tell her I don't hate her before it becomes a truth. She has said some of the

most hurtful, painful, mean things to me in my lifetime and, of course, says the

only reason she says these things is because I never loved her.

She'll bring up things from the past or from when I was a teenager and use them

against me. She pits herself against my father in an unnecessary competition,

and if I so much go out to dinner with my father once a week, I love him more

than her in her mind.

I know deep down it is not me. I have always been a good kid. Straight A's,

focused, never did a drug in my life. How could I mess up? I've always lived in

constant fear of the next irrational blowout and tried to delay them as long as

possible.

The thing I need help with is this-I really want to leave the house and have the

opportunity to do so and live with friends. I don't know if this is necessarily

the best for her but I feel that if I stay here I could be self-destructive.

Because of my fearful childhood and my now distorted view on relationships, I

feel I need to get out of this situation before it gets worse. I already suffer

from depression and OCD. But I am afraid if I leave this will cause her BPD to

get worse so I am not sure what to do.

On top of all this, I have an older brother who lives at home. If I left, I know

that I could possibly recover from the issues I have with my mother, but I would

feel an endless, heavy guilt for leaving him alone to deal with her

irrationality.

If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions that would be great. I really need the

support and don't know where else to turn.

Thank you.