Re: Just Broke up with Girl Friend

[Guest guest]

Sorry to hear, . Just know you are among friends.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> Sigh.....

>

> My girl friend of fours years and I just broke up. I need to get it off my

> chest, and all the other emotions that were mixed up in this. It had a been

> a while coming. And part of me feels relieved, but part of me is very sad.

>

> We both have major emotional baggage. I had a fada with BPD, and she was

> raised by her grandma who had some sort of pd. She used to hold a knife to

> her own throat and threaten to kill herself if my ex did anything that

> stressed her out. And other stuff. Her dad died in a car accident when she

> was four, and her mom wasn't emotionally stable enough to raise her, so her

> grandma raised her...... We started dating before I knew anything about

> BPD.

>

> In the first four months of our dating, her mom's husband committed

> suicide..... They weren't very close, but the family would regularly get

> together. He was kind to her. We were travelling abroad at the time, and

> she refused to take a break and grieve, but insisted in travelling. My ex

> used to cut herself during her teen years, but stopped after she started

> therapy and meds. I remember we were walking down a cliff after she found

> out about the suicide, and she slipped and cut herself. She didn't try to

> stem the flow, she just stared at it in way that creeped me out. I imagine

> that expression was the one she had when she would cut herself.

>

> At this point, I thought to myself, " what have I gotten myself into? " But I

> had already traveled abroad to see her, and invested so much, I thought

> " Let's see where this goes " . I thought " All she needs is some sincere and

> genuine love " , and things will get better. Granted, my ability to express

> love is stunted, but it seemed no matter how much I tried, I could never

> fill that void. I could fill it for a while, but inevitably, the fear would

> be back, and she would be searching for signs I did or didn't love her.

>

> Two years in, we started couples therapy, and that helped for a while. It

> was couples therapy that eventually got me into my own therapy. The

> relationship was therapeutic for both of us. I internalized many things,

> like how to listen and not try fix things because it's not my

> responsibility, and that no one is going to physically abuse me when some

> one else cries at me. My ex learned that messes and tidiness are sensitive

> issues for her.

>

> For a long time, I wanted to break up, but I couldn't bring my self to. I

> was afraid of the damage the abandonment would cause her. She would freak

> out at her own paranoia of it, I couldn't imagine how she would react if it

> was a one way decision on my part. In return, I got to satisfy my emotional

> need to be the knight in shining white armor. With time, my armor lost its

> shine, and dulled. I stopped putting in all the effort, because her

> kidnapping dragon was lodged inside her, and not something she would put

> aside.

>

> What frustrates me the most, is that I see how normal she can be with her

> friends. She used to just save her crazy for me. And I was thoroughly

> convinced she was a crazy at times, which pissed her off.

>

> After a year of withdrawing on both our parts, and my starting a job far

> from her, she finally suggested we take a break. That was last week, and

> today, she suggested we make it a break up. I feel good that she's ok with

> this, and that she's emotionally ok. We still care for each other deeply,

> but we realize things aren't working out for us romantically.....

>

> I feel like peoples baggage is something that needs to be respected. Like

> PTSD war veterans. But you don't know what a persons PTSD is until you know

> them well, at which point, it's too late. So I'm scared to get into a

> relationship again. Wouldn't it be wonderful if people started off by

> introducing their baggage, so both parties would immediately be able to tell

> if their baggages will be able to make nice?

>

> So now I'm in a new city, new job, with no friends nearby, and no

> girlfriend. It's a fresh start. But for now, it's lonely.

>

> There's more..... But I need a break.....

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry to hear, . Just know you are among friends.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> Sigh.....

>

> My girl friend of fours years and I just broke up. I need to get it off my

> chest, and all the other emotions that were mixed up in this. It had a been

> a while coming. And part of me feels relieved, but part of me is very sad.

>

> We both have major emotional baggage. I had a fada with BPD, and she was

> raised by her grandma who had some sort of pd. She used to hold a knife to

> her own throat and threaten to kill herself if my ex did anything that

> stressed her out. And other stuff. Her dad died in a car accident when she

> was four, and her mom wasn't emotionally stable enough to raise her, so her

> grandma raised her...... We started dating before I knew anything about

> BPD.

>

> In the first four months of our dating, her mom's husband committed

> suicide..... They weren't very close, but the family would regularly get

> together. He was kind to her. We were travelling abroad at the time, and

> she refused to take a break and grieve, but insisted in travelling. My ex

> used to cut herself during her teen years, but stopped after she started

> therapy and meds. I remember we were walking down a cliff after she found

> out about the suicide, and she slipped and cut herself. She didn't try to

> stem the flow, she just stared at it in way that creeped me out. I imagine

> that expression was the one she had when she would cut herself.

>

> At this point, I thought to myself, " what have I gotten myself into? " But I

> had already traveled abroad to see her, and invested so much, I thought

> " Let's see where this goes " . I thought " All she needs is some sincere and

> genuine love " , and things will get better. Granted, my ability to express

> love is stunted, but it seemed no matter how much I tried, I could never

> fill that void. I could fill it for a while, but inevitably, the fear would

> be back, and she would be searching for signs I did or didn't love her.

>

> Two years in, we started couples therapy, and that helped for a while. It

> was couples therapy that eventually got me into my own therapy. The

> relationship was therapeutic for both of us. I internalized many things,

> like how to listen and not try fix things because it's not my

> responsibility, and that no one is going to physically abuse me when some

> one else cries at me. My ex learned that messes and tidiness are sensitive

> issues for her.

>

> For a long time, I wanted to break up, but I couldn't bring my self to. I

> was afraid of the damage the abandonment would cause her. She would freak

> out at her own paranoia of it, I couldn't imagine how she would react if it

> was a one way decision on my part. In return, I got to satisfy my emotional

> need to be the knight in shining white armor. With time, my armor lost its

> shine, and dulled. I stopped putting in all the effort, because her

> kidnapping dragon was lodged inside her, and not something she would put

> aside.

>

> What frustrates me the most, is that I see how normal she can be with her

> friends. She used to just save her crazy for me. And I was thoroughly

> convinced she was a crazy at times, which pissed her off.

>

> After a year of withdrawing on both our parts, and my starting a job far

> from her, she finally suggested we take a break. That was last week, and

> today, she suggested we make it a break up. I feel good that she's ok with

> this, and that she's emotionally ok. We still care for each other deeply,

> but we realize things aren't working out for us romantically.....

>

> I feel like peoples baggage is something that needs to be respected. Like

> PTSD war veterans. But you don't know what a persons PTSD is until you know

> them well, at which point, it's too late. So I'm scared to get into a

> relationship again. Wouldn't it be wonderful if people started off by

> introducing their baggage, so both parties would immediately be able to tell

> if their baggages will be able to make nice?

>

> So now I'm in a new city, new job, with no friends nearby, and no

> girlfriend. It's a fresh start. But for now, it's lonely.

>

> There's more..... But I need a break.....

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Karla,

My ramblings continue....

My ex some times did things that reminded me of my dad. A little bit of gas

lighting..... I lost my shit and yelled when this happened..... Accusing

me abandoning her and not loving her.... of intentionally trying to hurt

her....

I had tried twice to break up before..... The first time, she cried and

said " you broke me " , and the second time, she cut herself.... Not suicide,

just cutting. Not in front of me.....I felt sorry for her....

What did I get out of the relationship? When I knew I was making her happy,

that made me feel wonderful. I could make her tears disappear with hour

long hugs and kisses. I was able to comfort her, like I was never able to

comfort my fada. Lord knows I tried to comfort him, but he couldn't take it

in. If I could make him happy...... then he would he would have provided

the love and support I needed.

I kept thinking with her " just one more bump, and then I'll have some one I

can rely on " . I used to want to join the military because I craved that

sense of camaraderie. I still crave camaraderie. The feeling that some one

has my back and is looking out for me. I never had this growing up. The

relationship provided me with hope for a comrade.

[Guest guest]

Thank you Karla,

My ramblings continue....

My ex some times did things that reminded me of my dad. A little bit of gas

lighting..... I lost my shit and yelled when this happened..... Accusing

me abandoning her and not loving her.... of intentionally trying to hurt

her....

I had tried twice to break up before..... The first time, she cried and

said " you broke me " , and the second time, she cut herself.... Not suicide,

just cutting. Not in front of me.....I felt sorry for her....

What did I get out of the relationship? When I knew I was making her happy,

that made me feel wonderful. I could make her tears disappear with hour

long hugs and kisses. I was able to comfort her, like I was never able to

comfort my fada. Lord knows I tried to comfort him, but he couldn't take it

in. If I could make him happy...... then he would he would have provided

the love and support I needed.

I kept thinking with her " just one more bump, and then I'll have some one I

can rely on " . I used to want to join the military because I craved that

sense of camaraderie. I still crave camaraderie. The feeling that some one

has my back and is looking out for me. I never had this growing up. The

relationship provided me with hope for a comrade.

[Guest guest]

, you have so much insight RE your own upbringing and that of your ex-gf's.

That's very impressive. I have no doubt that you will be in a much better, more

aware and in-the-moment state when you decide to begin dating again. I don't

think there is such thing as a perfectly mentally healthy person, but I think

you are much better equipped now to be able to detect the traits of personality

disorder and not fall into that " rescuer " or " fixer " mode again.

-Annnie

>

> Thank you Karla,

>

> My ramblings continue....

>

> My ex some times did things that reminded me of my dad. A little bit of gas

> lighting..... I lost my shit and yelled when this happened..... Accusing

> me abandoning her and not loving her.... of intentionally trying to hurt

> her....

>

> I had tried twice to break up before..... The first time, she cried and

> said " you broke me " , and the second time, she cut herself.... Not suicide,

> just cutting. Not in front of me.....I felt sorry for her....

>

> What did I get out of the relationship? When I knew I was making her happy,

> that made me feel wonderful. I could make her tears disappear with hour

> long hugs and kisses. I was able to comfort her, like I was never able to

> comfort my fada. Lord knows I tried to comfort him, but he couldn't take it

> in. If I could make him happy...... then he would he would have provided

> the love and support I needed.

>

> I kept thinking with her " just one more bump, and then I'll have some one I

> can rely on " . I used to want to join the military because I craved that

> sense of camaraderie. I still crave camaraderie. The feeling that some one

> has my back and is looking out for me. I never had this growing up. The

> relationship provided me with hope for a comrade.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

It sounds like you're in a good place right now. I mean, it just sounds like

things have worked out for the good of both of your well-beings.

Yes, it would be fantastic if, before you started dating someone, they could

tell you everything up front. I feel that way about just meeting potential

friends! For instance, just now, I came back from church and had befriended a

woman who was very sweet...a tad needy, but sweet. Sigh. Turns out she's

manipulative and calls about 8 times a day if she needs something NOW. I'm

trying to find a way to drop her nicely.

Anyway, congrats on your new job; I'm sure you'll make friends quickly. Let us

know how it goes!

Fiona

>

> Sigh.....

>

> My girl friend of fours years and I just broke up. I need to get it off my

> chest, and all the other emotions that were mixed up in this. It had a been

> a while coming. And part of me feels relieved, but part of me is very sad.

>

> We both have major emotional baggage. I had a fada with BPD, and she was

> raised by her grandma who had some sort of pd. She used to hold a knife to

> her own throat and threaten to kill herself if my ex did anything that

> stressed her out. And other stuff. Her dad died in a car accident when she

> was four, and her mom wasn't emotionally stable enough to raise her, so her

> grandma raised her...... We started dating before I knew anything about

> BPD.

>

> In the first four months of our dating, her mom's husband committed

> suicide..... They weren't very close, but the family would regularly get

> together. He was kind to her. We were travelling abroad at the time, and

> she refused to take a break and grieve, but insisted in travelling. My ex

> used to cut herself during her teen years, but stopped after she started

> therapy and meds. I remember we were walking down a cliff after she found

> out about the suicide, and she slipped and cut herself. She didn't try to

> stem the flow, she just stared at it in way that creeped me out. I imagine

> that expression was the one she had when she would cut herself.

>

> At this point, I thought to myself, " what have I gotten myself into? " But I

> had already traveled abroad to see her, and invested so much, I thought

> " Let's see where this goes " . I thought " All she needs is some sincere and

> genuine love " , and things will get better. Granted, my ability to express

> love is stunted, but it seemed no matter how much I tried, I could never

> fill that void. I could fill it for a while, but inevitably, the fear would

> be back, and she would be searching for signs I did or didn't love her.

>

> Two years in, we started couples therapy, and that helped for a while. It

> was couples therapy that eventually got me into my own therapy. The

> relationship was therapeutic for both of us. I internalized many things,

> like how to listen and not try fix things because it's not my

> responsibility, and that no one is going to physically abuse me when some

> one else cries at me. My ex learned that messes and tidiness are sensitive

> issues for her.

>

> For a long time, I wanted to break up, but I couldn't bring my self to. I

> was afraid of the damage the abandonment would cause her. She would freak

> out at her own paranoia of it, I couldn't imagine how she would react if it

> was a one way decision on my part. In return, I got to satisfy my emotional

> need to be the knight in shining white armor. With time, my armor lost its

> shine, and dulled. I stopped putting in all the effort, because her

> kidnapping dragon was lodged inside her, and not something she would put

> aside.

>

> What frustrates me the most, is that I see how normal she can be with her

> friends. She used to just save her crazy for me. And I was thoroughly

> convinced she was a crazy at times, which pissed her off.

>

> After a year of withdrawing on both our parts, and my starting a job far

> from her, she finally suggested we take a break. That was last week, and

> today, she suggested we make it a break up. I feel good that she's ok with

> this, and that she's emotionally ok. We still care for each other deeply,

> but we realize things aren't working out for us romantically.....

>

> I feel like peoples baggage is something that needs to be respected. Like

> PTSD war veterans. But you don't know what a persons PTSD is until you know

> them well, at which point, it's too late. So I'm scared to get into a

> relationship again. Wouldn't it be wonderful if people started off by

> introducing their baggage, so both parties would immediately be able to tell

> if their baggages will be able to make nice?

>

> So now I'm in a new city, new job, with no friends nearby, and no

> girlfriend. It's a fresh start. But for now, it's lonely.

>

> There's more..... But I need a break.....

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

It sounds like you're in a good place right now. I mean, it just sounds like

things have worked out for the good of both of your well-beings.

Yes, it would be fantastic if, before you started dating someone, they could

tell you everything up front. I feel that way about just meeting potential

friends! For instance, just now, I came back from church and had befriended a

woman who was very sweet...a tad needy, but sweet. Sigh. Turns out she's

manipulative and calls about 8 times a day if she needs something NOW. I'm

trying to find a way to drop her nicely.

Anyway, congrats on your new job; I'm sure you'll make friends quickly. Let us

know how it goes!

Fiona

>

> Sigh.....

>

> My girl friend of fours years and I just broke up. I need to get it off my

> chest, and all the other emotions that were mixed up in this. It had a been

> a while coming. And part of me feels relieved, but part of me is very sad.

>

> We both have major emotional baggage. I had a fada with BPD, and she was

> raised by her grandma who had some sort of pd. She used to hold a knife to

> her own throat and threaten to kill herself if my ex did anything that

> stressed her out. And other stuff. Her dad died in a car accident when she

> was four, and her mom wasn't emotionally stable enough to raise her, so her

> grandma raised her...... We started dating before I knew anything about

> BPD.

>

> In the first four months of our dating, her mom's husband committed

> suicide..... They weren't very close, but the family would regularly get

> together. He was kind to her. We were travelling abroad at the time, and

> she refused to take a break and grieve, but insisted in travelling. My ex

> used to cut herself during her teen years, but stopped after she started

> therapy and meds. I remember we were walking down a cliff after she found

> out about the suicide, and she slipped and cut herself. She didn't try to

> stem the flow, she just stared at it in way that creeped me out. I imagine

> that expression was the one she had when she would cut herself.

>

> At this point, I thought to myself, " what have I gotten myself into? " But I

> had already traveled abroad to see her, and invested so much, I thought

> " Let's see where this goes " . I thought " All she needs is some sincere and

> genuine love " , and things will get better. Granted, my ability to express

> love is stunted, but it seemed no matter how much I tried, I could never

> fill that void. I could fill it for a while, but inevitably, the fear would

> be back, and she would be searching for signs I did or didn't love her.

>

> Two years in, we started couples therapy, and that helped for a while. It

> was couples therapy that eventually got me into my own therapy. The

> relationship was therapeutic for both of us. I internalized many things,

> like how to listen and not try fix things because it's not my

> responsibility, and that no one is going to physically abuse me when some

> one else cries at me. My ex learned that messes and tidiness are sensitive

> issues for her.

>

> For a long time, I wanted to break up, but I couldn't bring my self to. I

> was afraid of the damage the abandonment would cause her. She would freak

> out at her own paranoia of it, I couldn't imagine how she would react if it

> was a one way decision on my part. In return, I got to satisfy my emotional

> need to be the knight in shining white armor. With time, my armor lost its

> shine, and dulled. I stopped putting in all the effort, because her

> kidnapping dragon was lodged inside her, and not something she would put

> aside.

>

> What frustrates me the most, is that I see how normal she can be with her

> friends. She used to just save her crazy for me. And I was thoroughly

> convinced she was a crazy at times, which pissed her off.

>

> After a year of withdrawing on both our parts, and my starting a job far

> from her, she finally suggested we take a break. That was last week, and

> today, she suggested we make it a break up. I feel good that she's ok with

> this, and that she's emotionally ok. We still care for each other deeply,

> but we realize things aren't working out for us romantically.....

>

> I feel like peoples baggage is something that needs to be respected. Like

> PTSD war veterans. But you don't know what a persons PTSD is until you know

> them well, at which point, it's too late. So I'm scared to get into a

> relationship again. Wouldn't it be wonderful if people started off by

> introducing their baggage, so both parties would immediately be able to tell

> if their baggages will be able to make nice?

>

> So now I'm in a new city, new job, with no friends nearby, and no

> girlfriend. It's a fresh start. But for now, it's lonely.

>

> There's more..... But I need a break.....

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

It sounds like you're in a good place right now. I mean, it just sounds like

things have worked out for the good of both of your well-beings.

Yes, it would be fantastic if, before you started dating someone, they could

tell you everything up front. I feel that way about just meeting potential

friends! For instance, just now, I came back from church and had befriended a

woman who was very sweet...a tad needy, but sweet. Sigh. Turns out she's

manipulative and calls about 8 times a day if she needs something NOW. I'm

trying to find a way to drop her nicely.

Anyway, congrats on your new job; I'm sure you'll make friends quickly. Let us

know how it goes!

Fiona

>

> Sigh.....

>

> My girl friend of fours years and I just broke up. I need to get it off my

> chest, and all the other emotions that were mixed up in this. It had a been

> a while coming. And part of me feels relieved, but part of me is very sad.

>

> We both have major emotional baggage. I had a fada with BPD, and she was

> raised by her grandma who had some sort of pd. She used to hold a knife to

> her own throat and threaten to kill herself if my ex did anything that

> stressed her out. And other stuff. Her dad died in a car accident when she

> was four, and her mom wasn't emotionally stable enough to raise her, so her

> grandma raised her...... We started dating before I knew anything about

> BPD.

>

> In the first four months of our dating, her mom's husband committed

> suicide..... They weren't very close, but the family would regularly get

> together. He was kind to her. We were travelling abroad at the time, and

> she refused to take a break and grieve, but insisted in travelling. My ex

> used to cut herself during her teen years, but stopped after she started

> therapy and meds. I remember we were walking down a cliff after she found

> out about the suicide, and she slipped and cut herself. She didn't try to

> stem the flow, she just stared at it in way that creeped me out. I imagine

> that expression was the one she had when she would cut herself.

>

> At this point, I thought to myself, " what have I gotten myself into? " But I

> had already traveled abroad to see her, and invested so much, I thought

> " Let's see where this goes " . I thought " All she needs is some sincere and

> genuine love " , and things will get better. Granted, my ability to express

> love is stunted, but it seemed no matter how much I tried, I could never

> fill that void. I could fill it for a while, but inevitably, the fear would

> be back, and she would be searching for signs I did or didn't love her.

>

> Two years in, we started couples therapy, and that helped for a while. It

> was couples therapy that eventually got me into my own therapy. The

> relationship was therapeutic for both of us. I internalized many things,

> like how to listen and not try fix things because it's not my

> responsibility, and that no one is going to physically abuse me when some

> one else cries at me. My ex learned that messes and tidiness are sensitive

> issues for her.

>

> For a long time, I wanted to break up, but I couldn't bring my self to. I

> was afraid of the damage the abandonment would cause her. She would freak

> out at her own paranoia of it, I couldn't imagine how she would react if it

> was a one way decision on my part. In return, I got to satisfy my emotional

> need to be the knight in shining white armor. With time, my armor lost its

> shine, and dulled. I stopped putting in all the effort, because her

> kidnapping dragon was lodged inside her, and not something she would put

> aside.

>

> What frustrates me the most, is that I see how normal she can be with her

> friends. She used to just save her crazy for me. And I was thoroughly

> convinced she was a crazy at times, which pissed her off.

>

> After a year of withdrawing on both our parts, and my starting a job far

> from her, she finally suggested we take a break. That was last week, and

> today, she suggested we make it a break up. I feel good that she's ok with

> this, and that she's emotionally ok. We still care for each other deeply,

> but we realize things aren't working out for us romantically.....

>

> I feel like peoples baggage is something that needs to be respected. Like

> PTSD war veterans. But you don't know what a persons PTSD is until you know

> them well, at which point, it's too late. So I'm scared to get into a

> relationship again. Wouldn't it be wonderful if people started off by

> introducing their baggage, so both parties would immediately be able to tell

> if their baggages will be able to make nice?

>

> So now I'm in a new city, new job, with no friends nearby, and no

> girlfriend. It's a fresh start. But for now, it's lonely.

>

> There's more..... But I need a break.....

>

>

>