Constantly avoiding being like nada...

[Guest guest]

I'm not sure how successful I've been at this lately.

When I had my " ah ha! " moment a few years ago about things not being right with

my nada, I began to make a conscience effort not to be so difficult and

unreasonable in relationships.

It's so exhausting trying to do that all the time...constantly being self

aware....constantly questioning my reactions, thoughts, feelings.

Well, this weekend I had a true test of my abilities.

I found out my husband lied about some financial stuff.

I completely freaked out on him. He had obtained a new credit card and we had

agreed to only use it for emergencies.

I found out the other day that he's been using it the whole time. Without the

presence of an emergency.

I take care of most of the finances so when I was paying bills and balancing the

account the other day, he had no choice but to tell me about it because he had

to make a payment on it.

He did lie to me...I kept asking him what the balance was on it, and he kept

saying he didn't know. You don't make a payment on a credit card without knowing

the balance.

Anywho, We had a HUGE argument about it, and we've barely been talking all

weekend.

I am still very angry, and I'm holding a grudge.

I'm not voluntarily speak to him.

I feel like I'm doing what my nada used to do when she was angry. She would

withdraw her love from me. not speak to me....nothing. It was hurtful.

Now I feel like I'm doing the same thing to my husband.

I don't know how to handle stuff like this. What is the appropriate way to act?

I'm confused. Not only do I have a problem with my marriage, but I can't even

try to handle it without reminding myself of nada.

I'm NC with nada, but I still feel like she is constantly around me. I remind

myself of her so much sometimes.

NC or not, she's always there.

I hate it.

~SJJ