Just Broke up with Girl Friend

[Guest guest]

Sigh.....

My girl friend of fours years and I just broke up. I need to get it off my

chest, and all the other emotions that were mixed up in this. It had a been

a while coming. And part of me feels relieved, but part of me is very sad.

We both have major emotional baggage. I had a fada with BPD, and she was

raised by her grandma who had some sort of pd. She used to hold a knife to

her own throat and threaten to kill herself if my ex did anything that

stressed her out. And other stuff. Her dad died in a car accident when she

was four, and her mom wasn't emotionally stable enough to raise her, so her

grandma raised her...... We started dating before I knew anything about

BPD.

In the first four months of our dating, her mom's husband committed

suicide..... They weren't very close, but the family would regularly get

together. He was kind to her. We were travelling abroad at the time, and

she refused to take a break and grieve, but insisted in travelling. My ex

used to cut herself during her teen years, but stopped after she started

therapy and meds. I remember we were walking down a cliff after she found

out about the suicide, and she slipped and cut herself. She didn't try to

stem the flow, she just stared at it in way that creeped me out. I imagine

that expression was the one she had when she would cut herself.

At this point, I thought to myself, " what have I gotten myself into? " But I

had already traveled abroad to see her, and invested so much, I thought

" Let's see where this goes " . I thought " All she needs is some sincere and

genuine love " , and things will get better. Granted, my ability to express

love is stunted, but it seemed no matter how much I tried, I could never

fill that void. I could fill it for a while, but inevitably, the fear would

be back, and she would be searching for signs I did or didn't love her.

Two years in, we started couples therapy, and that helped for a while. It

was couples therapy that eventually got me into my own therapy. The

relationship was therapeutic for both of us. I internalized many things,

like how to listen and not try fix things because it's not my

responsibility, and that no one is going to physically abuse me when some

one else cries at me. My ex learned that messes and tidiness are sensitive

issues for her.

For a long time, I wanted to break up, but I couldn't bring my self to. I

was afraid of the damage the abandonment would cause her. She would freak

out at her own paranoia of it, I couldn't imagine how she would react if it

was a one way decision on my part. In return, I got to satisfy my emotional

need to be the knight in shining white armor. With time, my armor lost its

shine, and dulled. I stopped putting in all the effort, because her

kidnapping dragon was lodged inside her, and not something she would put

aside.

What frustrates me the most, is that I see how normal she can be with her

friends. She used to just save her crazy for me. And I was thoroughly

convinced she was a crazy at times, which pissed her off.

After a year of withdrawing on both our parts, and my starting a job far

from her, she finally suggested we take a break. That was last week, and

today, she suggested we make it a break up. I feel good that she's ok with

this, and that she's emotionally ok. We still care for each other deeply,

but we realize things aren't working out for us romantically.....

I feel like peoples baggage is something that needs to be respected. Like

PTSD war veterans. But you don't know what a persons PTSD is until you know

them well, at which point, it's too late. So I'm scared to get into a

relationship again. Wouldn't it be wonderful if people started off by

introducing their baggage, so both parties would immediately be able to tell

if their baggages will be able to make nice?

So now I'm in a new city, new job, with no friends nearby, and no

girlfriend. It's a fresh start. But for now, it's lonely.

There's more..... But I need a break.....