Trying to process things and feeling I don't understand

[Guest guest]

Hi all.

I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

her.

Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with her

because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those for

me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she never

worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

chair for me.

Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

scrounge and save.

So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

usually ends up with the girl.

So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

horrifies me!

My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

was to call her.

I'm so confused...

The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but I

want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when my

mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

Stefanie