Re: the 'something's not right' feeling

[Guest guest]

I seem to remember responding to previous posts of yours with the thought that

we were sharing the same mother.

I know exactly what you are talking about here. That underlying current of crazy

that no one else could really pin as obviously crazy. Which is how they have

gotten this far and away with the abuse.

I'm sure this is why my mother is so good at manipulation and control, and she

was very much the " helpless victim " in everything.

There were many times where she had everyone (and me) convinced in her many

delusions, like the one where I was sneaking around trying to seduce her

boyfriend and knock her off for the insurance money. I was 11/12 and she had ME

convinced I was nuts and some sort of sex feind and doing all these things on a

subconcious level. I doubted my own sanity for YEARS.

I still do at times. LOL! I do a lot of rational self talk, and I also have to

talk to my husband.... " does this reaction sound normal? " etc.

>

> I have talked here before about how my mother is a waif/hermit type or

whatever and how her actions are low key. Can anyone identify with that feeling

of having them react innappropriately but not knowing how or why to describe

what is wrong about it? I get this feeling from my mother SO MUCH and have

gotten it all my life. I don't know if anyone knows what I mean...it's not the

screaming and going into a rage queen/witch behavior, it's her having responses

to things that happen and in conversations that absolutely make you feel nuts.

Said in a normal tone of voice, like it's the most logical thing in the world to

say. Literally on a daily basis.

>

> I have begun asking myself 'what would I have liked to hear from her?' when I

get that weird feeling that I have just crossed, or the conversation has just

crossed, into a completely illogical dimension outside the time-space continuum.

If anyone remember that famous Aha 'take on me video' where he moves in and out

of an animated sketch dimension into 3-d reality, it's like that. I wish I could

think of some examples right now, but it's 4 a.m so I guess I am too tired.

>

> My mother is very sneaky and seems to go out of her way to invalidate me and

my sister both. But she does it with a level tone of voice, there is no

detectable malice. I have an aunt that is the same way. I feel like they are

projecting their own self-hatred onto their daughters, I know my mother was

incested from toddler-hood and my aunt probably has those issues too. All of the

daughters have very low self esteem and food and addiction issues. with both of

them all you have is this sense that something is not right, something is

missing in your interactions with them, in that you feel completely insulted and

invalidated somehow when you walk away from them but you don't know how it

happened or why. And you don't know what their reaction *should* have been or

what a healthy response would have been because you have never experienced it.

>

> I don't know if anyone remembers the tv movie where Bertinelli plays a

deranged woman that goes into an elementary school and shoots some of the

children. It's based on a true story. Anyway the mother in that film is just

like this. At the end the girl Bertinelli plays commits suicide and directly

after this the mother calmy tells a police woman 'don't you think it's better

this way?' in a completely rational and calm tone of voice. You realize at that

point the mother is completely insane, which she had kept pretty well hidden

through most of the movie. She doesn't freak out or ever raise her voice or

behave in a histrionic fashion, but the last scene just freaks you out

completely because you see the level of insanity in that family that was not

really detectable up to that point, because the family looked normal, the house

was well-kept and things were in order from the outside appearance anyway. When

I was younger I used to think my mother might be MPD because of her bizarre

reactions to things sometimes. Nothing this extreme, of course, but such

weirdness.

>

[Guest guest]

I get it. My nada was mostly dramatic and histrionic, over-reacting to things,

yelling and screaming, but she would also do that weirdly inappropriate, " off "

but calm thing too, sometimes.

The most recent example was how very calm and rational and emotionless she was

when dad died. In a weird way, I'm glad she was calm and rational because I

was a basket case. Sister was somewhere in between, she was upset but had to

remain calm and rational because her little boy was only about 10 at the time.

I never saw nada cry at all during the weeks surrounding dad's hospitalization,

death, and his funeral. Eerily calm, efficient, and obsessed with immediately

clearing out and giving away all his clothes and personal possessions, like, the

moment the funeral was over. I was so numb and upset that I just went along

with what she was packing up and giving away without protest. I wish I'd spoken

up and said please wait, please wait a little, I would like time to think about

what I might like to keep. But nada was a machine, she was on a mission.

I've also had weird flashbacks triggered by my nada's seemingly normal and

ordinary behaviors. One time I watched as my nada deliberately ignored one of

my small cousins who ran up to greet nada with open arms, and my nada just

pushed past the little 4 year old girl as though she was invisible in order to

scoop up the child's younger sibling. The hurt and bewildered look on the

child's face triggered an out-of-body experience for me, as though I was

observing the scene from the ceiling. The child shyly went to my nada and again

tried to greet her, to give and receive a hug, but my nada was only focused on

the younger child.

My nada has also calmly and seemingly deliberately been mean to me when I

couldn't do anything about it. Although she had helped me get dressed for the

prom, she casually mentioned only as I was heading out the door with my date

that I needed to keep my shawl on all evening so that the big zit on my back

wouldn't show. That not only embarrassed me at the moment, it made me

uncomfortably self-conscious and ashamed of my body all evening. She wanted to

do that; she meant to do that.

So, yes, I totally understand the kinds of emotional damage that can be

inflicted in a calm and seemingly rational manner.

-Annie

>

> I have talked here before about how my mother is a waif/hermit type or

whatever and how her actions are low key. Can anyone identify with that feeling

of having them react innappropriately but not knowing how or why to describe

what is wrong about it? I get this feeling from my mother SO MUCH and have

gotten it all my life. I don't know if anyone knows what I mean...it's not the

screaming and going into a rage queen/witch behavior, it's her having responses

to things that happen and in conversations that absolutely make you feel nuts.

Said in a normal tone of voice, like it's the most logical thing in the world to

say. Literally on a daily basis.

>

> I have begun asking myself 'what would I have liked to hear from her?' when I

get that weird feeling that I have just crossed, or the conversation has just

crossed, into a completely illogical dimension outside the time-space continuum.

If anyone remember that famous Aha 'take on me video' where he moves in and out

of an animated sketch dimension into 3-d reality, it's like that. I wish I could

think of some examples right now, but it's 4 a.m so I guess I am too tired.

>

> My mother is very sneaky and seems to go out of her way to invalidate me and

my sister both. But she does it with a level tone of voice, there is no

detectable malice. I have an aunt that is the same way. I feel like they are

projecting their own self-hatred onto their daughters, I know my mother was

incested from toddler-hood and my aunt probably has those issues too. All of the

daughters have very low self esteem and food and addiction issues. with both of

them all you have is this sense that something is not right, something is

missing in your interactions with them, in that you feel completely insulted and

invalidated somehow when you walk away from them but you don't know how it

happened or why. And you don't know what their reaction *should* have been or

what a healthy response would have been because you have never experienced it.

>

> I don't know if anyone remembers the tv movie where Bertinelli plays a

deranged woman that goes into an elementary school and shoots some of the

children. It's based on a true story. Anyway the mother in that film is just

like this. At the end the girl Bertinelli plays commits suicide and directly

after this the mother calmy tells a police woman 'don't you think it's better

this way?' in a completely rational and calm tone of voice. You realize at that

point the mother is completely insane, which she had kept pretty well hidden

through most of the movie. She doesn't freak out or ever raise her voice or

behave in a histrionic fashion, but the last scene just freaks you out

completely because you see the level of insanity in that family that was not

really detectable up to that point, because the family looked normal, the house

was well-kept and things were in order from the outside appearance anyway. When

I was younger I used to think my mother might be MPD because of her bizarre

reactions to things sometimes. Nothing this extreme, of course, but such

weirdness.

>

[Guest guest]

I get it. My nada was mostly dramatic and histrionic, over-reacting to things,

yelling and screaming, but she would also do that weirdly inappropriate, " off "

but calm thing too, sometimes.

The most recent example was how very calm and rational and emotionless she was

when dad died. In a weird way, I'm glad she was calm and rational because I

was a basket case. Sister was somewhere in between, she was upset but had to

remain calm and rational because her little boy was only about 10 at the time.

I never saw nada cry at all during the weeks surrounding dad's hospitalization,

death, and his funeral. Eerily calm, efficient, and obsessed with immediately

clearing out and giving away all his clothes and personal possessions, like, the

moment the funeral was over. I was so numb and upset that I just went along

with what she was packing up and giving away without protest. I wish I'd spoken

up and said please wait, please wait a little, I would like time to think about

what I might like to keep. But nada was a machine, she was on a mission.

I've also had weird flashbacks triggered by my nada's seemingly normal and

ordinary behaviors. One time I watched as my nada deliberately ignored one of

my small cousins who ran up to greet nada with open arms, and my nada just

pushed past the little 4 year old girl as though she was invisible in order to

scoop up the child's younger sibling. The hurt and bewildered look on the

child's face triggered an out-of-body experience for me, as though I was

observing the scene from the ceiling. The child shyly went to my nada and again

tried to greet her, to give and receive a hug, but my nada was only focused on

the younger child.

My nada has also calmly and seemingly deliberately been mean to me when I

couldn't do anything about it. Although she had helped me get dressed for the

prom, she casually mentioned only as I was heading out the door with my date

that I needed to keep my shawl on all evening so that the big zit on my back

wouldn't show. That not only embarrassed me at the moment, it made me

uncomfortably self-conscious and ashamed of my body all evening. She wanted to

do that; she meant to do that.

So, yes, I totally understand the kinds of emotional damage that can be

inflicted in a calm and seemingly rational manner.

-Annie

>

> I have talked here before about how my mother is a waif/hermit type or

whatever and how her actions are low key. Can anyone identify with that feeling

of having them react innappropriately but not knowing how or why to describe

what is wrong about it? I get this feeling from my mother SO MUCH and have

gotten it all my life. I don't know if anyone knows what I mean...it's not the

screaming and going into a rage queen/witch behavior, it's her having responses

to things that happen and in conversations that absolutely make you feel nuts.

Said in a normal tone of voice, like it's the most logical thing in the world to

say. Literally on a daily basis.

>

> I have begun asking myself 'what would I have liked to hear from her?' when I

get that weird feeling that I have just crossed, or the conversation has just

crossed, into a completely illogical dimension outside the time-space continuum.

If anyone remember that famous Aha 'take on me video' where he moves in and out

of an animated sketch dimension into 3-d reality, it's like that. I wish I could

think of some examples right now, but it's 4 a.m so I guess I am too tired.

>

> My mother is very sneaky and seems to go out of her way to invalidate me and

my sister both. But she does it with a level tone of voice, there is no

detectable malice. I have an aunt that is the same way. I feel like they are

projecting their own self-hatred onto their daughters, I know my mother was

incested from toddler-hood and my aunt probably has those issues too. All of the

daughters have very low self esteem and food and addiction issues. with both of

them all you have is this sense that something is not right, something is

missing in your interactions with them, in that you feel completely insulted and

invalidated somehow when you walk away from them but you don't know how it

happened or why. And you don't know what their reaction *should* have been or

what a healthy response would have been because you have never experienced it.

>

> I don't know if anyone remembers the tv movie where Bertinelli plays a

deranged woman that goes into an elementary school and shoots some of the

children. It's based on a true story. Anyway the mother in that film is just

like this. At the end the girl Bertinelli plays commits suicide and directly

after this the mother calmy tells a police woman 'don't you think it's better

this way?' in a completely rational and calm tone of voice. You realize at that

point the mother is completely insane, which she had kept pretty well hidden

through most of the movie. She doesn't freak out or ever raise her voice or

behave in a histrionic fashion, but the last scene just freaks you out

completely because you see the level of insanity in that family that was not

really detectable up to that point, because the family looked normal, the house

was well-kept and things were in order from the outside appearance anyway. When

I was younger I used to think my mother might be MPD because of her bizarre

reactions to things sometimes. Nothing this extreme, of course, but such

weirdness.

>

[Guest guest]

YES. This is how my nada and FOO is. I often compare that " not right " feeling

to when you accidentally cut yourself with a sharp knife and you don't realize

at first that you got cut until you see the blood. Sometimes after a

conversation with my nada I'll notice some psychological blood and think to

myself " Wait a minute, looks like I got cut, what! I'd thought that conversation

went okay. " Then I think about it, maybe an hour, maybe even a day later I

figure out what the cut was. As I've gotten more aware over the years this

happens less often and I'm more aware of what is happening in real time - but

it's still very subtle and sharp all the same.

Sometimes though it isn't even an injury that has to be unraveled. Sometimes it

is just a funhouse mirror effect of reality being distorted. Taking a trip into

her world of up is down, blue is yellow and having to readjust back to the

reality that I know.

>

> I have talked here before about how my mother is a waif/hermit type or

whatever and how her actions are low key. Can anyone identify with that feeling

of having them react innappropriately but not knowing how or why to describe

what is wrong about it? I get this feeling from my mother SO MUCH and have

gotten it all my life. I don't know if anyone knows what I mean...it's not the

screaming and going into a rage queen/witch behavior, it's her having responses

to things that happen and in conversations that absolutely make you feel nuts.

Said in a normal tone of voice, like it's the most logical thing in the world to

say. Literally on a daily basis.

>

> I have begun asking myself 'what would I have liked to hear from her?' when I

get that weird feeling that I have just crossed, or the conversation has just

crossed, into a completely illogical dimension outside the time-space continuum.

If anyone remember that famous Aha 'take on me video' where he moves in and out

of an animated sketch dimension into 3-d reality, it's like that. I wish I could

think of some examples right now, but it's 4 a.m so I guess I am too tired.

>

> My mother is very sneaky and seems to go out of her way to invalidate me and

my sister both. But she does it with a level tone of voice, there is no

detectable malice. I have an aunt that is the same way. I feel like they are

projecting their own self-hatred onto their daughters, I know my mother was

incested from toddler-hood and my aunt probably has those issues too. All of the

daughters have very low self esteem and food and addiction issues. with both of

them all you have is this sense that something is not right, something is

missing in your interactions with them, in that you feel completely insulted and

invalidated somehow when you walk away from them but you don't know how it

happened or why. And you don't know what their reaction *should* have been or

what a healthy response would have been because you have never experienced it.

>

> I don't know if anyone remembers the tv movie where Bertinelli plays a

deranged woman that goes into an elementary school and shoots some of the

children. It's based on a true story. Anyway the mother in that film is just

like this. At the end the girl Bertinelli plays commits suicide and directly

after this the mother calmy tells a police woman 'don't you think it's better

this way?' in a completely rational and calm tone of voice. You realize at that

point the mother is completely insane, which she had kept pretty well hidden

through most of the movie. She doesn't freak out or ever raise her voice or

behave in a histrionic fashion, but the last scene just freaks you out

completely because you see the level of insanity in that family that was not

really detectable up to that point, because the family looked normal, the house

was well-kept and things were in order from the outside appearance anyway. When

I was younger I used to think my mother might be MPD because of her bizarre

reactions to things sometimes. Nothing this extreme, of course, but such

weirdness.

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yeah, the trips to " oz " are very disorienting. Amazing how even KNOWING that

her reality is all backwards she can somehow manage to bring you to her world.

It's like getting a back handed compliment, and thinking it's a real compliment

until later when you realize it was totally an insult.

> >

> > I have talked here before about how my mother is a waif/hermit type or

whatever and how her actions are low key. Can anyone identify with that feeling

of having them react innappropriately but not knowing how or why to describe

what is wrong about it? I get this feeling from my mother SO MUCH and have

gotten it all my life. I don't know if anyone knows what I mean...it's not the

screaming and going into a rage queen/witch behavior, it's her having responses

to things that happen and in conversations that absolutely make you feel nuts.

Said in a normal tone of voice, like it's the most logical thing in the world to

say. Literally on a daily basis.

> >

> > I have begun asking myself 'what would I have liked to hear from her?' when

I get that weird feeling that I have just crossed, or the conversation has just

crossed, into a completely illogical dimension outside the time-space continuum.

If anyone remember that famous Aha 'take on me video' where he moves in and out

of an animated sketch dimension into 3-d reality, it's like that. I wish I could

think of some examples right now, but it's 4 a.m so I guess I am too tired.

> >

> > My mother is very sneaky and seems to go out of her way to invalidate me and

my sister both. But she does it with a level tone of voice, there is no

detectable malice. I have an aunt that is the same way. I feel like they are

projecting their own self-hatred onto their daughters, I know my mother was

incested from toddler-hood and my aunt probably has those issues too. All of the

daughters have very low self esteem and food and addiction issues. with both of

them all you have is this sense that something is not right, something is

missing in your interactions with them, in that you feel completely insulted and

invalidated somehow when you walk away from them but you don't know how it

happened or why. And you don't know what their reaction *should* have been or

what a healthy response would have been because you have never experienced it.

> >

> > I don't know if anyone remembers the tv movie where Bertinelli plays

a deranged woman that goes into an elementary school and shoots some of the

children. It's based on a true story. Anyway the mother in that film is just

like this. At the end the girl Bertinelli plays commits suicide and directly

after this the mother calmy tells a police woman 'don't you think it's better

this way?' in a completely rational and calm tone of voice. You realize at that

point the mother is completely insane, which she had kept pretty well hidden

through most of the movie. She doesn't freak out or ever raise her voice or

behave in a histrionic fashion, but the last scene just freaks you out

completely because you see the level of insanity in that family that was not

really detectable up to that point, because the family looked normal, the house

was well-kept and things were in order from the outside appearance anyway. When

I was younger I used to think my mother might be MPD because of her bizarre

reactions to things sometimes. Nothing this extreme, of course, but such

weirdness.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yeah, the trips to " oz " are very disorienting. Amazing how even KNOWING that

her reality is all backwards she can somehow manage to bring you to her world.

It's like getting a back handed compliment, and thinking it's a real compliment

until later when you realize it was totally an insult.

> >

> > I have talked here before about how my mother is a waif/hermit type or

whatever and how her actions are low key. Can anyone identify with that feeling

of having them react innappropriately but not knowing how or why to describe

what is wrong about it? I get this feeling from my mother SO MUCH and have

gotten it all my life. I don't know if anyone knows what I mean...it's not the

screaming and going into a rage queen/witch behavior, it's her having responses

to things that happen and in conversations that absolutely make you feel nuts.

Said in a normal tone of voice, like it's the most logical thing in the world to

say. Literally on a daily basis.

> >

> > I have begun asking myself 'what would I have liked to hear from her?' when

I get that weird feeling that I have just crossed, or the conversation has just

crossed, into a completely illogical dimension outside the time-space continuum.

If anyone remember that famous Aha 'take on me video' where he moves in and out

of an animated sketch dimension into 3-d reality, it's like that. I wish I could

think of some examples right now, but it's 4 a.m so I guess I am too tired.

> >

> > My mother is very sneaky and seems to go out of her way to invalidate me and

my sister both. But she does it with a level tone of voice, there is no

detectable malice. I have an aunt that is the same way. I feel like they are

projecting their own self-hatred onto their daughters, I know my mother was

incested from toddler-hood and my aunt probably has those issues too. All of the

daughters have very low self esteem and food and addiction issues. with both of

them all you have is this sense that something is not right, something is

missing in your interactions with them, in that you feel completely insulted and

invalidated somehow when you walk away from them but you don't know how it

happened or why. And you don't know what their reaction *should* have been or

what a healthy response would have been because you have never experienced it.

> >

> > I don't know if anyone remembers the tv movie where Bertinelli plays

a deranged woman that goes into an elementary school and shoots some of the

children. It's based on a true story. Anyway the mother in that film is just

like this. At the end the girl Bertinelli plays commits suicide and directly

after this the mother calmy tells a police woman 'don't you think it's better

this way?' in a completely rational and calm tone of voice. You realize at that

point the mother is completely insane, which she had kept pretty well hidden

through most of the movie. She doesn't freak out or ever raise her voice or

behave in a histrionic fashion, but the last scene just freaks you out

completely because you see the level of insanity in that family that was not

really detectable up to that point, because the family looked normal, the house

was well-kept and things were in order from the outside appearance anyway. When

I was younger I used to think my mother might be MPD because of her bizarre

reactions to things sometimes. Nothing this extreme, of course, but such

weirdness.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yeah, the trips to " oz " are very disorienting. Amazing how even KNOWING that

her reality is all backwards she can somehow manage to bring you to her world.

It's like getting a back handed compliment, and thinking it's a real compliment

until later when you realize it was totally an insult.

> >

> > I have talked here before about how my mother is a waif/hermit type or

whatever and how her actions are low key. Can anyone identify with that feeling

of having them react innappropriately but not knowing how or why to describe

what is wrong about it? I get this feeling from my mother SO MUCH and have

gotten it all my life. I don't know if anyone knows what I mean...it's not the

screaming and going into a rage queen/witch behavior, it's her having responses

to things that happen and in conversations that absolutely make you feel nuts.

Said in a normal tone of voice, like it's the most logical thing in the world to

say. Literally on a daily basis.

> >

> > I have begun asking myself 'what would I have liked to hear from her?' when

I get that weird feeling that I have just crossed, or the conversation has just

crossed, into a completely illogical dimension outside the time-space continuum.

If anyone remember that famous Aha 'take on me video' where he moves in and out

of an animated sketch dimension into 3-d reality, it's like that. I wish I could

think of some examples right now, but it's 4 a.m so I guess I am too tired.

> >

> > My mother is very sneaky and seems to go out of her way to invalidate me and

my sister both. But she does it with a level tone of voice, there is no

detectable malice. I have an aunt that is the same way. I feel like they are

projecting their own self-hatred onto their daughters, I know my mother was

incested from toddler-hood and my aunt probably has those issues too. All of the

daughters have very low self esteem and food and addiction issues. with both of

them all you have is this sense that something is not right, something is

missing in your interactions with them, in that you feel completely insulted and

invalidated somehow when you walk away from them but you don't know how it

happened or why. And you don't know what their reaction *should* have been or

what a healthy response would have been because you have never experienced it.

> >

> > I don't know if anyone remembers the tv movie where Bertinelli plays

a deranged woman that goes into an elementary school and shoots some of the

children. It's based on a true story. Anyway the mother in that film is just

like this. At the end the girl Bertinelli plays commits suicide and directly

after this the mother calmy tells a police woman 'don't you think it's better

this way?' in a completely rational and calm tone of voice. You realize at that

point the mother is completely insane, which she had kept pretty well hidden

through most of the movie. She doesn't freak out or ever raise her voice or

behave in a histrionic fashion, but the last scene just freaks you out

completely because you see the level of insanity in that family that was not

really detectable up to that point, because the family looked normal, the house

was well-kept and things were in order from the outside appearance anyway. When

I was younger I used to think my mother might be MPD because of her bizarre

reactions to things sometimes. Nothing this extreme, of course, but such

weirdness.

> >

>