Re: help with a father who has BP...and a mother who can't leave him

[Guest guest]

Hi, Welcome,

I think you are painting your mother as helpless when she is not. Your

mother is an adult and can make her own choices and should be responsible

for them. If she chooses to stay, that is entirely up to her.

Good luck! Please keep posting!

>

>

> I am new to this group after months and years of tears and

> sadness....trying to figure out why I hate my father so much.

>

> I am looking for advice/wisdom/support.

>

> I realize now that he has BP...and the irony is that it is unlike any other

> disorder/disease- where the person who HAS it CAN'T/Doesn't know that he has

> it. So, he is emotionally abusive to my mom, who has been putting up with it

> and " walking on eggshells " for years. It has slowly gotten worse. Now, I am

> getting ready to start my own family...and I just can't be there for my mom-

> emotionally, psychologically, etc..

> It is too draining. I wish more than anything that they could divorce,

> however, the concern is that my father will want/take half of all the wealth

> that my mom has managed for 40+ years. She has built and maintained the

> family business, while my father has been able to " play " and do whatever he

> wants (he was forced to retire early from a gov't job due to a work related

> injury). What is so scary is that his OWN mother (my grandmother)- i think

> went through this same thing...and basically squandered all her wealth and

> now lives under a conservator. From what I was told (as this happened when I

> was 10)...she disinherited our family because they told her they were

> concerned for her and she was told by a " friend " that it meant the family

> thought she was crazy. Ironically, my father is now in this situation...my

> mom, my husband, and a couple other very close friends see that he is acting

> in ways that are like his mother...but of course, he would never admit it-

> or understand it. How can I help my mom to help herself...and is there any

> light at the end of this very despressing tunnel. I have cried so much and

> am so sad about this...and I really don't have anyone else to turn to

> because it is so complicated to try to explain; especially when my father-

> to a stranger- seems like a normal guy. The extreme behaviors/outbursts and

> attitude are typically focused just on my mom...sometimes at me.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Welcome,

I think you are painting your mother as helpless when she is not. Your

mother is an adult and can make her own choices and should be responsible

for them. If she chooses to stay, that is entirely up to her.

Good luck! Please keep posting!

>

>

> I am new to this group after months and years of tears and

> sadness....trying to figure out why I hate my father so much.

>

> I am looking for advice/wisdom/support.

>

> I realize now that he has BP...and the irony is that it is unlike any other

> disorder/disease- where the person who HAS it CAN'T/Doesn't know that he has

> it. So, he is emotionally abusive to my mom, who has been putting up with it

> and " walking on eggshells " for years. It has slowly gotten worse. Now, I am

> getting ready to start my own family...and I just can't be there for my mom-

> emotionally, psychologically, etc..

> It is too draining. I wish more than anything that they could divorce,

> however, the concern is that my father will want/take half of all the wealth

> that my mom has managed for 40+ years. She has built and maintained the

> family business, while my father has been able to " play " and do whatever he

> wants (he was forced to retire early from a gov't job due to a work related

> injury). What is so scary is that his OWN mother (my grandmother)- i think

> went through this same thing...and basically squandered all her wealth and

> now lives under a conservator. From what I was told (as this happened when I

> was 10)...she disinherited our family because they told her they were

> concerned for her and she was told by a " friend " that it meant the family

> thought she was crazy. Ironically, my father is now in this situation...my

> mom, my husband, and a couple other very close friends see that he is acting

> in ways that are like his mother...but of course, he would never admit it-

> or understand it. How can I help my mom to help herself...and is there any

> light at the end of this very despressing tunnel. I have cried so much and

> am so sad about this...and I really don't have anyone else to turn to

> because it is so complicated to try to explain; especially when my father-

> to a stranger- seems like a normal guy. The extreme behaviors/outbursts and

> attitude are typically focused just on my mom...sometimes at me.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Welcome,

I think you are painting your mother as helpless when she is not. Your

mother is an adult and can make her own choices and should be responsible

for them. If she chooses to stay, that is entirely up to her.

Good luck! Please keep posting!

>

>

> I am new to this group after months and years of tears and

> sadness....trying to figure out why I hate my father so much.

>

> I am looking for advice/wisdom/support.

>

> I realize now that he has BP...and the irony is that it is unlike any other

> disorder/disease- where the person who HAS it CAN'T/Doesn't know that he has

> it. So, he is emotionally abusive to my mom, who has been putting up with it

> and " walking on eggshells " for years. It has slowly gotten worse. Now, I am

> getting ready to start my own family...and I just can't be there for my mom-

> emotionally, psychologically, etc..

> It is too draining. I wish more than anything that they could divorce,

> however, the concern is that my father will want/take half of all the wealth

> that my mom has managed for 40+ years. She has built and maintained the

> family business, while my father has been able to " play " and do whatever he

> wants (he was forced to retire early from a gov't job due to a work related

> injury). What is so scary is that his OWN mother (my grandmother)- i think

> went through this same thing...and basically squandered all her wealth and

> now lives under a conservator. From what I was told (as this happened when I

> was 10)...she disinherited our family because they told her they were

> concerned for her and she was told by a " friend " that it meant the family

> thought she was crazy. Ironically, my father is now in this situation...my

> mom, my husband, and a couple other very close friends see that he is acting

> in ways that are like his mother...but of course, he would never admit it-

> or understand it. How can I help my mom to help herself...and is there any

> light at the end of this very despressing tunnel. I have cried so much and

> am so sad about this...and I really don't have anyone else to turn to

> because it is so complicated to try to explain; especially when my father-

> to a stranger- seems like a normal guy. The extreme behaviors/outbursts and

> attitude are typically focused just on my mom...sometimes at me.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group. The big question I see here is does your

mom actually want help or not? If she isn't looking for help,

about all you can do is be there for her if and when she figures

out that she wants help. You can't help people who don't want to

be helped. If she's willing to think about the possibility that

he is mentally ill, I'd start out by giving her or pointing her

towards information on BPD. BPD is a lot easier for family

members to start dealing with if they understand what it is

they're dealing with. Helping her to find a good lawyer who can

help her protect herself financially from him would be a good

idea too. Even if she doesn't want to divorce him, it sounds

like she needs to make sure he can't ruin her finances. She has

to want to take steps to change things though. If she doesn't,

attempting to push her into doing so could just push her away

from you. If she's built up a business and has been successfully

running it, she sounds like a capable woman who could choose to

deal with this situation on her own.

At 01:29 AM 09/10/2010 carter4848k wrote:

>I am new to this group after months and years of tears and

>sadness....trying to figure out why I hate my father so much.

>

>I am looking for advice/wisdom/support.

>

>I realize now that he has BP...and the irony is that it is

>unlike any other disorder/disease- where the person who HAS it

>CAN'T/Doesn't know that he has it. So, he is emotionally

>abusive to my mom, who has been putting up with it and " walking

>on eggshells " for years. It has slowly gotten worse. Now, I

>am getting ready to start my own family...and I just can't be

>there for my mom- emotionally, psychologically, etc..

>It is too draining. I wish more than anything that they could

>divorce, however, the concern is that my father will want/take

>half of all the wealth that my mom has managed for 40+

>years. She has built and maintained the family business, while

>my father has been able to " play " and do whatever he wants (he

>was forced to retire early from a gov't job due to a work

>related injury). What is so scary is that his OWN mother (my

>grandmother)- i think went through this same thing...and

>basically squandered all her wealth and now lives under a

>conservator. From what I was told (as this happened when I was

>10)...she disinherited our family because they told her they

>were concerned for her and she was told by a " friend " that it

>meant the family thought she was crazy. Ironically, my father

>is now in this situation...my mom, my husband, and a couple

>other very close friends see that he is acting in ways that are

>like his mother...but of course, he would never admit it- or

>understand it. How can I help my mom to help herself...and is

>there any light at the end of this very despressing tunnel. I

>have cried so much and am so sad about this...and I really

>don't have anyone else to turn to because it is so complicated

>to try to explain; especially when my father- to a stranger-

>seems like a normal guy. The extreme behaviors/outbursts and

>attitude are typically focused just on my mom...sometimes at me.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group. The big question I see here is does your

mom actually want help or not? If she isn't looking for help,

about all you can do is be there for her if and when she figures

out that she wants help. You can't help people who don't want to

be helped. If she's willing to think about the possibility that

he is mentally ill, I'd start out by giving her or pointing her

towards information on BPD. BPD is a lot easier for family

members to start dealing with if they understand what it is

they're dealing with. Helping her to find a good lawyer who can

help her protect herself financially from him would be a good

idea too. Even if she doesn't want to divorce him, it sounds

like she needs to make sure he can't ruin her finances. She has

to want to take steps to change things though. If she doesn't,

attempting to push her into doing so could just push her away

from you. If she's built up a business and has been successfully

running it, she sounds like a capable woman who could choose to

deal with this situation on her own.

At 01:29 AM 09/10/2010 carter4848k wrote:

>I am new to this group after months and years of tears and

>sadness....trying to figure out why I hate my father so much.

>

>I am looking for advice/wisdom/support.

>

>I realize now that he has BP...and the irony is that it is

>unlike any other disorder/disease- where the person who HAS it

>CAN'T/Doesn't know that he has it. So, he is emotionally

>abusive to my mom, who has been putting up with it and " walking

>on eggshells " for years. It has slowly gotten worse. Now, I

>am getting ready to start my own family...and I just can't be

>there for my mom- emotionally, psychologically, etc..

>It is too draining. I wish more than anything that they could

>divorce, however, the concern is that my father will want/take

>half of all the wealth that my mom has managed for 40+

>years. She has built and maintained the family business, while

>my father has been able to " play " and do whatever he wants (he

>was forced to retire early from a gov't job due to a work

>related injury). What is so scary is that his OWN mother (my

>grandmother)- i think went through this same thing...and

>basically squandered all her wealth and now lives under a

>conservator. From what I was told (as this happened when I was

>10)...she disinherited our family because they told her they

>were concerned for her and she was told by a " friend " that it

>meant the family thought she was crazy. Ironically, my father

>is now in this situation...my mom, my husband, and a couple

>other very close friends see that he is acting in ways that are

>like his mother...but of course, he would never admit it- or

>understand it. How can I help my mom to help herself...and is

>there any light at the end of this very despressing tunnel. I

>have cried so much and am so sad about this...and I really

>don't have anyone else to turn to because it is so complicated

>to try to explain; especially when my father- to a stranger-

>seems like a normal guy. The extreme behaviors/outbursts and

>attitude are typically focused just on my mom...sometimes at me.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group. The big question I see here is does your

mom actually want help or not? If she isn't looking for help,

about all you can do is be there for her if and when she figures

out that she wants help. You can't help people who don't want to

be helped. If she's willing to think about the possibility that

he is mentally ill, I'd start out by giving her or pointing her

towards information on BPD. BPD is a lot easier for family

members to start dealing with if they understand what it is

they're dealing with. Helping her to find a good lawyer who can

help her protect herself financially from him would be a good

idea too. Even if she doesn't want to divorce him, it sounds

like she needs to make sure he can't ruin her finances. She has

to want to take steps to change things though. If she doesn't,

attempting to push her into doing so could just push her away

from you. If she's built up a business and has been successfully

running it, she sounds like a capable woman who could choose to

deal with this situation on her own.

At 01:29 AM 09/10/2010 carter4848k wrote:

>I am new to this group after months and years of tears and

>sadness....trying to figure out why I hate my father so much.

>

>I am looking for advice/wisdom/support.

>

>I realize now that he has BP...and the irony is that it is

>unlike any other disorder/disease- where the person who HAS it

>CAN'T/Doesn't know that he has it. So, he is emotionally

>abusive to my mom, who has been putting up with it and " walking

>on eggshells " for years. It has slowly gotten worse. Now, I

>am getting ready to start my own family...and I just can't be

>there for my mom- emotionally, psychologically, etc..

>It is too draining. I wish more than anything that they could

>divorce, however, the concern is that my father will want/take

>half of all the wealth that my mom has managed for 40+

>years. She has built and maintained the family business, while

>my father has been able to " play " and do whatever he wants (he

>was forced to retire early from a gov't job due to a work

>related injury). What is so scary is that his OWN mother (my

>grandmother)- i think went through this same thing...and

>basically squandered all her wealth and now lives under a

>conservator. From what I was told (as this happened when I was

>10)...she disinherited our family because they told her they

>were concerned for her and she was told by a " friend " that it

>meant the family thought she was crazy. Ironically, my father

>is now in this situation...my mom, my husband, and a couple

>other very close friends see that he is acting in ways that are

>like his mother...but of course, he would never admit it- or

>understand it. How can I help my mom to help herself...and is

>there any light at the end of this very despressing tunnel. I

>have cried so much and am so sad about this...and I really

>don't have anyone else to turn to because it is so complicated

>to try to explain; especially when my father- to a stranger-

>seems like a normal guy. The extreme behaviors/outbursts and

>attitude are typically focused just on my mom...sometimes at me.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I knew my dad was nuts for a long time before I began suspecting anything about

my mom being wacked as well. Normally people with personality disorders don't

attract normal healthy folks, at the very least their partners are severely

codependent.

I am not sure there is much you can do. In fact, my mother is so infuriatingly

codependent that the more you criticize my dad or any nutjob she's involved with

(she's 'bonding' -read: being manipulated by- my bpd SIL right now to my great

dismay) the more she resents it and the more entrenched she gets and the more

resistance she puts up. She fervently resists any attempt to 'un-stockholm' her

from any abuser she attracts into her life. Sometimes I think with these

codependents the most sane strategy in the end is just to walk away and be only

marginally involved (if at all), in a very detached manner, so that they do not

have anything to pull against or resist. There is some pretty complex mental

illness going on here in my mother's case, and in my estimation it's incurable.

Having her bonding now with SIL who is a child abuser and a pathological liar is

really devastating to me, and it's come about because of a horrible

confrontation I had with SIL over her treatment of her children the other day.

This woman is so conscienceless it is frightening to me, yet the more that I

describe her as sick/bpd/sociopathic, etc, the more determined nada is to stick

to her like glue. The upshot is that this situation has helped me to forsee

the possibility of NC for me in the future, because my mother bonding with

someone who is such a poor parent and has caused so much stress in our family is

unforgiveable to me, it's like the final straw.

If I were to try to describe her behavior, it's like she's comfortable

sustaining the love for her abusive family of origin, which the current day

abuser represents, because SHE needs to. And her feelings about that abuse, her

anger and rage at what was done to her, will only come out at ME, when I try to

get her to let go. They will probably never be directed at an appropriate

target, which is my father, or bpd SIL. It's really crazy-making how her mind

operates, but that's it, nonetheless. She's perfectly comfortable in abuse and

helplessness, and bites the outstretched helping hand every time.

>

> I am new to this group after months and years of tears and sadness....trying

to figure out why I hate my father so much.

>

> I am looking for advice/wisdom/support.

>

> I realize now that he has BP...and the irony is that it is unlike any other

disorder/disease- where the person who HAS it CAN'T/Doesn't know that he has it.

So, he is emotionally abusive to my mom, who has been putting up with it and

" walking on eggshells " for years. It has slowly gotten worse. Now, I am

getting ready to start my own family...and I just can't be there for my mom-

emotionally, psychologically, etc..

> It is too draining. I wish more than anything that they could divorce,

however, the concern is that my father will want/take half of all the wealth

that my mom has managed for 40+ years. She has built and maintained the family

business, while my father has been able to " play " and do whatever he wants (he

was forced to retire early from a gov't job due to a work related injury). What

is so scary is that his OWN mother (my grandmother)- i think went through this

same thing...and basically squandered all her wealth and now lives under a

conservator. From what I was told (as this happened when I was 10)...she

disinherited our family because they told her they were concerned for her and

she was told by a " friend " that it meant the family thought she was crazy.

Ironically, my father is now in this situation...my mom, my husband, and a

couple other very close friends see that he is acting in ways that are like his

mother...but of course, he would never admit it- or understand it. How can I

help my mom to help herself...and is there any light at the end of this very

despressing tunnel. I have cried so much and am so sad about this...and I

really don't have anyone else to turn to because it is so complicated to try to

explain; especially when my father- to a stranger- seems like a normal guy. The

extreme behaviors/outbursts and attitude are typically focused just on my

mom...sometimes at me.

>