Feeling ultimately flawed

[Guest guest]

I've been reading some posts about mourning lost childhoods and the sadness that

is felt when trying to reconcile the erratic behaviour of a BPD parent. I

haven't spoken to my mother for a few weeks now. I tried to set some boundaries

and she hated it. She eventually told me that she is divorcing me and is

relieved to be finally free of me.

Just this week, however she sent me a message telling me that if I wanted to, I

could light a candle for my Grandmother to commemorate 8 years of her passing

away. Might I add that the candle she was referring to was a gift I had given

her that she dumped on my doorstep along with photographs of me when she was

really angry with me recently.

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about the effect of our relationship has had

on me as a person. I feel like I am ultimately flawed and even though I

rationally know that I don't deserve the abuse, part of me deep down believes

that I am the horrible and selfish person that she sometimes says I am.

That has been her main criticism of me over the years, that I am selfish- so

happy to be off with others, being there for them and helping them and

neglecting her who always seems to need me for one reason or another. And I have

always felt a responsibility to be with her exclusively to help her through

various hardships and guilt for " abandoning " her or in other words spending time

with others.

Since we are not on speaking terms and I have tried to maintain my boundaries,

when I'm spending time with others- friends, family, in laws- I have this awful

feeling that I'm a terrible two-faced person who is so nice to others but

horrible to my mother as though it were some terrible, dark secret that that

nobody else knows. I feel like I'll be found out for appearing so gentle and

kind on the outside, but really being horrible and nasty underneath. It's so

irrational. Everyone in my life knows that I have struggled with the

relationship over the years and almost everybody has always wondered how I could

keep putting up with it. I just can't seem to shake the feeling though.

Lately I also have this horrible thought of her passing away and me realising

that I have the whole situation wrong. That she really is just a lovely, sweet

innocent soul who is just angry and hurting about her tough life and being

treated so differently from everybody else. That she needed my love and I

abandoned her.

My rational self knows that I need to be strong and keep my boundaries and I

feel almost detached from her now in a sense. But I'm just afraid of all the

emotion lurking beneath the surface.

My situation is hard like so many others here too because most of her behaviour

is over the top admiration and love for me but then she flips and rages at me

and it feels like she hates me. That makes it so hard to keep clear headed and

trust my perceptions because she is so seemingly lovely and supportive and has

this almost child-like innocence about her. I have mentioned before that she is

the waif- all skinny and vulnerable, she has a back injury and is out of work

and she is always thinking of others and how she can help them. So when I stand

up to her she fluctuates between saying nasty, hurtful things to being wounded

by me and says stuff like " I'm just not strong enough to be scolded by you " .

Oh the best one was when she stole my daughters blankets from her pram on the

front verandah that she had given her and returned them saying she was sorry to

take them, but she was starving for a cuddle. I have tried to be very

" non-blamey " in my boundary setting and have repeated lines like " I just want to

stick to no phone contact for a while because it hasn't been going so well for

us " etc, but I must admit I lost it when she said that and I told her it was

utter B.S! I insisted that she took them because she was angry with me and she

cried and acted like I was viscously attacking her.

It is so hard to explain to anyone the profound effect this has on me and always

seems to be on my mind somehow. Someone a while ago (Katrina?) said something

along the lines of wondering if any really successful people have relationships

like these with their parents and I really thought a lot about this. I too have

similar thoughts. I feel sort of debilitated by this relationship. I kind of

have this feeling that my whole foundation of being is somehow flawed. I almost

feel guilty writing that because in lots of ways I feel like I have had a lot of

love growing up and I guess my mother has tried her best, having a difficult

childhood herself and raising me as a single mum. I'm not trying to blame all of

my shortcomings on my mother, but at the same time I feel like I have to spend

so much time investing energy into it, that I could be achieving other great

things, or at the very least enjoy precious time with family and friends without

this huge weight and feelings of guilt.

I am trying to accept that it is a part of my life and that it has helped make

me the person that I am and to count my blessings. I just wonder if it will ever

stop being so huge.

Well, thanks for reading. It has helped writing out these thoughts.

Peace to you all.

With Warmth,

Lynda