I feel so alone

[Guest guest]

This is sadly a long rant that I need to let out because I have no one to talk

to anymore.... by the time you finish reading this you may understand slightly

why.

I am a medical wreck. (emotionally and physically) When I was 2 years old I was

diagnosed with Celiac, Diabetes and Hypothyroidism. Two years ago I was

diagnosed with a lung disease that apparently is rare known as Nonspecific

Interstitial Pnemanitis... Now they think I have Autoimmune Enteropathy and

s Disease. I am usually very sick, or never feel well even when I feel

" better than normal " ... My boyfriend is usually pretty understanding and always

supportive, or so it seems. Sometimes he seems very aloof toward my illness and

acts like it isnt a huge deal even when im scared. (I was hospitalized last

december due to excess weight loss and stomach issues and he left me alone

usually until 9pm at night so he could go to work, take care of the dog, and go

Christmas shopping...which hurt because I was scared and all alone while they

were telling me different procedures/surgeries they were going to do and he was

not there) But things got even more interesting when his dad had a stroke in

April, he made sure to be at the hospital for his dad EVERY DAY before work and

immediately after work, he would come home (to our apartment) to cook dinner for

his dad and mom so they would not have to eat hospital food and take it up to

them, and he even spent the night with his dad. Now is this a flea? me feeling

sorry for myself? I understand its his dad and it was a scary situation... but I

was just as scared losing over 40lbs in 2 months and always being in pain. So

things got better with the dad a month later and he went into physical therapy,

but the mother said she needed him to move home to help with his father because

he was doing so poorly, she turned to me and said " you are welcome at our home

too. If you love my son, then we will love you. " I love my boyfriend dearly, but

his temper has gotten worse (he " accidentally " pushed me causing me to fall and

hit my head on a coffee table during a fight we had. And he has been just rough

in general, pushing me against walls etc etc. ... now this frightens me because

my mom is bpd and is verbally and physically abusive. But I always forgive him

for some stupid reason and he hasnt hurt me or been rough since that time. but

that aside....) So in July we moved in with his parents, and GUESS WHAT?! the

mother has an in home care nurse, the dad is able to walk, talk and eat just

fine... but with a cane.... My boyfriend said he did not know his dad was doing

so well otherwise we would not have given up our home together. (I feel like the

mother lied and manipulated him to get him to move home, or it was all about

saving money from his part.) So the last bad fight we had was in July when I was

looking at my boyfriends phone when I saw a text message from his mother that

says " She doesnt do anything around here, shes been here two weeks and she needs

to do your (my boyfriends) laundry, put hte sheets on your (my boyfriends) bed

and cook you dinner, you work full time you are tired. "

that hurt incredibly to see that, I never feel well and am always in and out of

hospitals and always tired (due to possible addisons) and I do what I can, which

isnt a lot... but its the best I can do. Plus my boyfriend is a grown man whose

28 years old and works a very lenient job as an IT guy..... why should I do his

laundry, bed and cook for him? Im not his wife. So when I confronted her on that

and the fact we moved in with them to help with the father even though she never

needs help with him she blew up at me and told me to " get out and you arent

sick, you use that as an excuse. I never wanted to tell my son that but its the

truth! you arent sick " At that point I started crying, because my bpd mom tells

me the same thing, and it makes me think im crazy and maybe im not sick maybe I

think I am or something (even though blood work and etc comes back showing

proof) so when I started crying she yells to me " Dont you dare start doing

*THAT* cry! Dont give me that! " At that point I packed all my shit and stayed

with my mom two nights, to which she went through all my belongings in my car

and found the lease I had signed with my boyfriend on our apartment and then got

pissed and kicked me out of her place, so lo and behold I ended back up at my

boyfriends parents house.... ugh! So to make things right I apologize to my

boyfriends mother and give her a hug... she never apologized to me or anything

in return, I even sent her a long long message saying how I want to try to fit

in with the family, and I love her son very much and I want to try to make this

home..yadda yadda... she never responded to that either, she never says hi to me

or talks to me when she sees me in the house. Then it comes down to her butting

in when my boyfriend and I are cooking.... tonight for instance we are making

tamales and we slow cooked the pork for 12 hours and stuck it in the fridge this

morning, then when we got back the pork was in the slow cooker with broth

covering it and it simmering.... SHE BOTHERED TO TRY OUR FOOD AND " FIX " IT FOR

US! ARRRGH! maybe these are all stupid things that I should not let bother me,

but I am wondering why I am even here any more! I cant talk to my own mother

about these issues, and I cant talk to my boyfriend about this specific issue

without fear that it will cause a fight.

Then to make matters worse I spent yesterday with my mom, where so was her queen

self until her cat got outside and she went waif on me and said " God hates me! "

over and over... So I made Lost signs, called the vet clinics around town and

reported it and reported it to the shelters and posted it on craigs list, while

she sat there and cried, (which made me feel so bad) but then while we were

looking for the cat she raged and started saying how her kids (my sister and I)

are ungrateful and stupid and helpless and we are this and that, and then she

went back to her waif self.... then by the time I left at 8pm she called me

raging again and had taken all the lost posters I put up as well as the

craigslist ad...I dont even know why..... She said it was because I lied to her

about various things even though she made me swear those things on the Bible and

I'm going to hell. (I do admit that I did lie to her once on that Bible ... and

I felt like crap because I am catholic.. but it literally came down to lying on

the bible or getting hit...) Anyways, what she was raging about happened over a

year ago, so I have no idea how it even came up. But today she is fine and

happy.

I have no one to talk to anymore, I cant talk to my boyfriend about her without

causing him to hate her more which stresses me out and I cant talk to my

boyfriend about how I hate living with his parents and what I think about them

without making him upset and I cant talk to my mom about my boyfriend/living

situations without it blowing up in my face later, and I obviously cant tell her

that shes crazy....

I am lost and dont know where to go or what to do anymore, the tiniest things

are beginning to set me off (like my boyfriends mother taking our pork and doing

it HER way... it just makes me think that the way I cooked it wasnt good enough,

or something.... and when I mentioned it to my boyfriend he goes " It tastes

better though! " ..... Its just htings my bpd mom would do... like making the

lost signs and CL ad... you work hard to do it and its not good enough.... Its

never good enough. I feel like no one cares about me here, and I feel like IM

STUCK here because I have no where else to go.... Im pathetic.

are these fleas? am I overreacting because of how I grew up with my bpd mom? Any

thoughts? I just need some insight because I feel like everyone is against me

and im going crazy or something.

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