Re: Thoughts of Suicide....

[Guest guest]

Hello sweetie. First of all I will add you to the healing grid right away if you like. Could you please send me your name (even a nickname is fine, or initials) so I can add you to it? You can send it to me privately. You are in my personal prayers as well, love. I feel so deeply for you, and there's a lot I would like to say, but I'm going to keep it as short as possible. First of all, one of the reasons religion is failing these days is because religion usually teaches the person to search on the outside. They're taught that all the answers are found outside of themselves. In the new age world this is becoming the norm. Constantly reading, and getting hooked on the "feel good" of the search. It's great up to a point, but then that becomes not enough. That's when you know it is time to apply it all to your inner self. The true power of change comes from within a person because we are God. God is everything we are, the light and the heavy. The white AND the black. God is creation and destruction. The darkness you feel all the time is just another part of God. That's where the duality comes in. To deny it as "bad", or try to suppress it will only inflame it more. My suggestion to you is to stop reading, stop searching so very hard to find a miracle or answers to everything. Everything you need to know is already inside of you. The clearest water is the most still. Learn how to find that stillness. Once you find that clarity then you will start to see things differently. I promise. I completely understand how it feels to be so torn intellectually and emotionally. I would bet that you're a Gemini, or have a strong influence of it somewhere in your chart. I'm a Gemini and I feel the constant duality. I feel (even now at times) the need to reach out and collect knowledge and understanding. But then I need to remind myself to be still and it will all come. To live too much in your head is to enslave your divinity. You're looking for that life changing event to happen to you, that one thing that will pull you out of all of this conditioned sadness. My love, you're living that miracle right now. We (every single person) is confronted with incredible inner struggles that leads them to a sense of desperation. Once they hit that desperation then they see the choices they have to take action. It's not about strength. It's about courage and choice. I think you've been ready for change for a long time, but you're keeping yourself stuck at the desperation...still waiting for something from the outside to come and save you. The books, the lamas, the gurus, even Jesus couldn't do this for you. Their work is here to guide us. The road to your happiness is inside of you. Move past being surrounded by negativity at work (it's impermanent). Release the sadness from the overwhelming horrors of the world we are all faced with (it's impermanent). Move past the conditioned state of your mind and move into your heart. Listen to your heart, it's your road map. Once you get yourself whole again, then you can start to do something about the horrors of the world from a steady compassionate place inside of yourself. You are not a fake, you're just not ready to take on what you don't completely understand yet, and to understand it is to be still. Please write me anytime. You can call me too (let me know if you want my number). I love you very much now and always.Blessings and healing,Stefanie>> > Where to begin? I'm not sure. How it will end? I'm not sure. > Are there others who feel the same way I do out there? I'm not > sure. > > > Do I need healing? Absolutely! About two years ago… I thought my > healing work was done and I was good to go… guess I was wrong! I was > told I have an energy block… but I just don't know what it is.> Maybe it's mid-life crisis. Maybe I'm just having a bad day. > However, my bad days are more frequent lately and I'm getting tired > of asking "God" and my guides for help… and not seeming to get any > response. (or at least not the responses I'm hoping for… actually it > feels like I'm being ignored.) I've specifically asked for a true > spiritual experience so that I can KNOW… not "assume" (based on the > experiences of others) that it's all real…. this spiritual reality > that we conjure up in our minds. I've begun to question > EVERYTHING. I don't understand the purpose of all of this now more > than ever. > > > What I do know… is that I can't take it anymore. If something > doesn't change… if something "positive" doesn't happen in my life > soon… I'm going to crack and give up. I will take myself out of the > game. > > > You know… sometimes I feel so fake… like such a fraud. I try so > hard to inspire and encourage others to happiness… when inside I feel > so very sad and lonely. I tell others to "believe"… when I'm not > sure just WHAT to believe in anymore myself! (I'm actually already > a member of HH… I just rejoined under a different name so this post > can remain anonymous. I would be so embarrassed if you knew who I > really was!) My brain hurts from listening to everyone else's > assumptions and chatter of what life is about… what God and Spirit > is. Why we are here, where we are headed, what we are here to learn > and where we are going… everyone has a something to say about these > questions and more! Me? I don't know and can't really answer that > honestly… so I won't even try!> > > I speak of things and talk of things… what my assumptions are > regarding the true nature of spirituality… but in reality I'm really > not 100% positively sure. Why do we say we KNOW… when really we > don't. > > > > It's like there are too many people wanting and talking about too > many things all at once. Life / time is going too fast and it's too > confusing. There are too many signs, advertisements, commercials, > emails, texts, phone calls, conversations, groups, businesses, news > reports…. people… all grasping for the attention (energy) of others, > you and me. I think of the enormity of it all… and again, my brain > hurts. I put my hands over my ears sometimes and just beg for > silence. I put my hands over my eyes and beg not to see anymore. > It's too overwhelming. I don't have to put my hands over my mouth… > because I usually don't speak my mind much. I'm more a listener…. > not a talker. (although you wouldn't know it from this message!) I > AM a thinker though. But I don't usually share my thoughts… out of > fear of judgment and ridicule. I simply just go with the flow.> I've battled with personal and social depression all my life. I'm > like a sponge when it comes to the sadness in the world. So I try > not to watch news anymore… it just upsets me and sinks me deeper. > War, death, famine, oil, poverty, gas prices, greed, politics, > corruption, abuse and mother nature fighting back… people rising > against people for what they feel is right… and what other's feel is > wrong. Over population… or over spending on death and destruction… > greed and manipulation… are we all MAD?> > > I was a Christian for 25 years and then my awakening came. I left > religion… with a touch of anger and betrayal. But who is to blame > really? No one. I've read all the spiritual and self help books… > and I know what they say. Dr. Wayne Dyer, Ruiz, Shakti > Gawain, Sanaya Roman, Stuart Wilde, Neal Walsh, Deepak Chopra, > Bruce Moen, Doreen Virtue, Choquette, , Sankara > Saraman, LaUna Huffines, Paramahansa Yogananda, and A Course in > Miracles. I've read them all. I'm getting to the point where I'm > tired of trying to read myself to my own salvation. > > > I've already done it all. I've tried it all. I've been inspired and > changed for a bit…. but life always has a way of bringing you back to > square one after the newness of it all wears off a bit. I feel > like there is a battle going on somewhere that I can't see… for my > attention and faith. The duality that lives within me is sometimes > too much to bear. On one side I'm loving, caring and hopeful. On > the other I'm down, depressed and hopeless. On one side I'm a > mother, daughter and wife. On the other side I'm a woman with > regrets, different dreams and desires than motherhood and marriage. > How does one balance the duality within? Actually, I've probably > read it already… but how do I apply it?> > > I desire to meditate more and focus more on peace… but my life is > too busy, the bills to big, and the days too short for me to keep > up. Something always gets in the way. > > > I feel like I'm sugar coating my life with positive quotes, messages > and stories… that really do nothing for me… except inspire me just a > little. I want something to HAPPEN in my life. Something > extraordinary and earth-shattering that will change me at the core of > my being. Something so profound that I can't ignore it. > Something that will help me accept and love myself for who and what I > am regardless of where I've been or where I'm going. Something that > will help me find my gift(s)… whatever it may be. (Did God forget to > give me one? As I can't do much of anything. I have no special > talents!) Something that will allow me to find inner confidence and > high self-esteem… something that will make me shine for once in my > life. I watch others shine and wish I could do the same.> > > Because of my childhood… the way I was raised… I've always been more > on the negative side of life. That is what I was taught. I won't > bore you with the grisly details… but I didn't have a happy childhood > at all… and that has carried over to my adulthood. (Forgiveness is > not an issue as I have already forgiven those who hurt me in my past… > I know that they "knew not what they do". I knew it was a chain of > abuse that needed to be broken and I did so.) I dream of the way I > would like to be… and the way I would like my life to be… but I > never even come close to creating it. I just don't know how to put > it into action. It all feels so foreign to me. It's like I'm > always reaching… and the harder I reach… the further it pulls away.> > > I work too much and always have. I work 3 jobs part-time. I have a > regular job ( paycheck), which I don't like much (actually it's a > job I did 15 years ago… and now I'm back at square one again! So in > my eyes… I've accomplished nothing career wise in my life)… as I try > to build my next dream business on the side. And another independent > rep side job that I do on the side to earn a little extra money on > the side… which actually seems to just take money from me. When all > I really want to do is to work my dream full-time and let go of the > jobs I don't like. However, financially I can't. As each day > ticks by… years now…. I feel the dream slipping away again. Another > failure?> > > I like to call my work (my project / website / dream business) my own > form of therapy…. because through it I'm trying to inspire myself and > make myself feel better too. But it's not working. Actually > nothing seems to work anymore. I already know and fully understand > what everyone says… "that I must change my thoughts"! But how does > one do that when you are bombarded with negative thoughts, images and > experiences all day… every day? I try… and it works for a day or > two. Then something bad will happen… I imagine it as the universe > slamming me with a baseball bat to the head that sets me 20 steps > farther behind than where I was before. And this happens over and > over and over and over again. Two steps forward.. 10 steps back. > Every time I take a few steps forward… I get excited and > think, "Wonderful! Things are beginning to look up!"…. then BAM! > Here's another hit to set you back again to square ONE… except it's > now beginning to feel like negative square -1,000. At the same > time, I watch the success of others, which just brings my failures to > light even more. I'm getting so far into this black hole now… I > think I just may disappear or explode all together. > > > What makes me feel worse is the fact that now I can see how I'm a > black hole to everything I touch. Especially a financial black > hole! I've been in three long term relationships… married twice > (the first time at 16) and have all my relationships in debt … trying > to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. I carry that > guilt around with me every day. What I'm supposed to BE. I create > business on top of business… to try to make my mark in the world… to > BECOME something / someone. But I just keep failing. I'm tired of > failing… I don't want to fail anymore. I would like to know what > success feels like. I want to pay all my debts back and gain the > feeling of giving instead of taking all the time. My kids are 22 > (depressed all the time), 19 (high all the time) and 8 (depressed all > the time). (Obviously depression runs in my family… but WHY????? > Where is it coming from???) I driving my husband nuts because I'm > sad and crying all the time.> > > I was "told" by a couple of psychic people that I'm "supposed to be a > healer". It was sprung on me out of the blue a few years ago. What > am I supposed to do with that info… except take a couple of classes > and read a couple of books on how to be one? I don't FEEL like a > healer… maybe an extremely wounded healer. If I was supposed to be > a healer or a channel, as I was also told (… ya right!) wouldn't God > have just made me that way at birth? Wouldn't I KNOW I am one? I > lack the confidence and self-esteem that's needed for that anyway… > and I don't know how to gain it or remedy it. And how do you just > say the next day, `Hey… I'm a healer!". Channel? How do you > decipher you thoughts from channeled thoughts? I wouldn't DARE try > to channel to help someone… I'm a mess! So again, I fail. > > > Most days I feel invisible. My family is not close (which I don't > know how to fix)…. I don't have very many friends at all… and I > usually feel quite alone in this world. I just can't seem to really > CONNECT with others on any level what-so-ever. I live in a New > England state that's full of religion… but lacking in spirituality! > There's no one to talk to here… and if there is… I can't find them! > And even if I could find them… I don't have TIME. So I carry on > alone in my interests / beliefs. I feel so disconnected from others > it's not funny. (I was brought up an only child… although I do have > siblings – but I never lived with them. I was abandoned by my > father and given up for adoption.) I watch people laugh, have fun > and be what seems to be happy…. And wonder why I can't be that way > too? Why is my life so riddled with sorrow and unhappiness? Why > can't I at least FAKE it? Why did God make me so different? Why > was I born to this family? What's wrong with me? Why can't I enjoy > life or have fun? What happened along the way? > > > I wish I would fall down, bang my head and wake up somebody else!> As far back as I can remember… I've felt that I don't belong here. > I'm on the wrong planet… I'm in the wrong place. It's a world that's > just to harsh for me…. Or I'm too kind-hearted for it. I'm too > sensitive, quiet, and caring in a world that's noisy, careless and > just doesn't give a shit. "Get over it"… is all I hear. Chaos is > all I see. I'm tired of it. Yet I feel I've been put here just > to observe it all. Observe… and try not to judge any of it… and > let it just BE. Like I was given a life… that I can't freely live… > just watch. > > > The duality in life is something that I can see all too clearly. > Each day I'm shown a new level of duality that reaches far beyond > this Earth plane… and I think to myself, "It will never end." > Belief is the biggest game of duality… positive and negative. What > to believe in? Everyone has an answer to offer… but what's true for > me? I can't believe in something if I haven't EXPERIENCED it. > Faith was blown out of the water when I woke up and realized religion > is a sham. I was told over and over to just have faith and believe… > yet was slapped in the face with the reality that religion is false > too. So now I demand to see, hear and feel before I believe > anything. Trust was lost. > > > Part of me feels like this is just a pity party… yet at the same > time… it's a cry for help. The thoughts that enter my mind are > scary. I wonder if it's me… or do I have help? Is there a > negative black cloud above my head that follows me? Just how will > I do it? Pills, razor, rope, exhaust fumes, falling from something > very high or a combination? I wonder what I will write to my > children and my husband before I go. What will I say besides "I'm > sorry"? I just feel that they would be so better off without me. > I feel more like a heavy burden to myself and them anyway. Maybe > if I were not here… that cloud of doom and gloom that constantly > follows me would be removed from their lives and they can get on with > a happier life. > > > These are the thoughts that run through my head on a bad depression > day. I know I should be on meds… but don't really want to take > meds… as I've tried them twice before. In the meantime, I eat > badly and pray for a heart attack. I figure heart problems run in my > family…. I'll just follow in the footsteps laid before me. > > > What is wrong with me? I know what I should do… but can't seem to > bring it about. I feel trapped… waiting to be released. I feel > stuck, like I've experienced all that I was supposed to, that I'm not > allowed to be successful or happy… that brick wall is there that > won't let me proceed beyond it. Where's the dynamite that I need to > blow the wall away? > > > Then again, maybe I'm just being lazy and don't want to "work" for > that release? But isn't that what I've been doing and had done? > I'm tired of trying so hard. Part of me feels that it all lies in > my ability to reconnect with meditation… yet I don't feel worthy to > meditate anymore. I'm too filled with sorrow, anger, regrets and > general unhappiness. I'm angry at myself for having to start all > over again and again and again… just like everything else in my > life. The same lessons over and over and over. Why can't I just > get it? > > > CHANGE… is not easy to incorporate.> > > So why post all this inner turmoil on Humanity Healing? Because I > want to know if God's love is REAL. I want to know if it's ALL > real! Or just tricks of the mind. In 39 years I don't think > anyone has ever prayed for me. I've never asked anyone to pray for > me. I want to know if this positive energy that we all speak of is a > powerful as we claim it to be. I need to heal the root cause of all > of this… but I don't know how. I want to experience the feeling of > a miracle in my life… and I'm sure there are many others out there > who desire the same. So is there anyone out there who can pray for > me? Could you? Pray that this negative block in my life be > removed. That I can become a shining light for others, share and > give back in confidence and joy… instead of always being the one > who's silently in need… holding it all inside. I want to see for > myself if I feel any difference or have an "experience" of some kind > that I can call God's loving energy being shown and present in my > life. > > > I wish I knew how I let things get this bad inside. Like I said, I > KNOW what I'm supposed to be thinking and dwelling on… yet just the > opposite invades my mind. Control the mind? Can it be > controlled? Mine seems to have a life of its own! As I sit back > and witness it! Where do I find the steering wheel inside of me? > Where's the gas pedal for positive flow and the brakes for negative > invasion? I just don't get it.> > > My mother always said I was stupid.> > > And I'm so sorry I'm not stronger.> > > ~Anonymous > > > PS... I'll be sure to get in touch with a doctor!>

[Guest guest]

Hello Dear Heart,

As I read your posting I can not help but wonder if your aware that

some of what your feeling may not even be your own. Being a empath is

quit a responsibity, empaths pick up on not only singular feelings

(one person at a time) but Universal feelings Example: a week before

the typhoons and earth quakes that took so many, I sat crying for two

days, I have experienced this before 911 and other events, and told a

friend that something was about to take many lives. I wish I could

have done more to dispell this feeling but it would not go away.

As for the past what I have told many of my clients is : p a s t

means Put Aside Stupid Things. Put aside what no longer brings you

joy. Try to shut off the left brain, and be still and listen to the

right brain. You may benifit from some sound wave files The_sound_of_

Stars is a group and has many sound files that will help with

depression and much much more.

By all means see a Dr. I know Clinical depression is a B--ch and some

times a little help is needed. Nothing to be ashamed of. remember: we

are spiritual beings trying to be human, not the other way around.

In the intrim we are all praying for you.

nnette

> >

> >

> > Where to begin? I'm not sure. How it will end? I'm not sure.

> > Are there others who feel the same way I do out there? I'm not

> > sure.

> >

> >

> > Do I need healing? Absolutely! About two years ago… I thought

> my

> > healing work was done and I was good to go… guess I was wrong! I

> was

> > told I have an energy block… but I just don't know what it is.

> > Maybe it's mid-life crisis. Maybe I'm just having a bad day.

> > However, my bad days are more frequent lately and I'm getting

tired

> > of asking " God " and my guides for help… and not seeming to get

> any

> > response. (or at least not the responses I'm hoping for… actually

> it

> > feels like I'm being ignored.) I've specifically asked for a

true

> > spiritual experience so that I can KNOW… not " assume " (based on

> the

> > experiences of others) that it's all real…. this spiritual reality

> > that we conjure up in our minds. I've begun to question

> > EVERYTHING. I don't understand the purpose of all of this now

more

> > than ever.

> >

> >

> > What I do know… is that I can't take it anymore. If something

> > doesn't change… if something " positive " doesn't happen in my life

> > soon… I'm going to crack and give up. I will take myself out of

> the

> > game.

> >

> >

> > You know… sometimes I feel so fake… like such a fraud. I try

> so

> > hard to inspire and encourage others to happiness… when inside I

> feel

> > so very sad and lonely. I tell others to " believe " … when I'm

> not

> > sure just WHAT to believe in anymore myself! (I'm actually

already

> > a member of HH… I just rejoined under a different name so this

> post

> > can remain anonymous. I would be so embarrassed if you knew who I

> > really was!) My brain hurts from listening to everyone else's

> > assumptions and chatter of what life is about… what God and Spirit

> > is. Why we are here, where we are headed, what we are here to

learn

> > and where we are going… everyone has a something to say about

> these

> > questions and more! Me? I don't know and can't really answer

that

> > honestly… so I won't even try!

> >

> >

> > I speak of things and talk of things… what my assumptions are

> > regarding the true nature of spirituality… but in reality I'm

> really

> > not 100% positively sure. Why do we say we KNOW… when really we

> > don't.

> >

> >

> >

> > It's like there are too many people wanting and talking about too

> > many things all at once. Life / time is going too fast and it's

too

> > confusing. There are too many signs, advertisements, commercials,

> > emails, texts, phone calls, conversations, groups, businesses,

news

> > reports…. people… all grasping for the attention (energy) of

> others,

> > you and me. I think of the enormity of it all… and again, my

> brain

> > hurts. I put my hands over my ears sometimes and just beg for

> > silence. I put my hands over my eyes and beg not to see anymore.

> > It's too overwhelming. I don't have to put my hands over my

> mouth…

> > because I usually don't speak my mind much. I'm more a

> listener….

> > not a talker. (although you wouldn't know it from this

message!) I

> > AM a thinker though. But I don't usually share my thoughts… out

> of

> > fear of judgment and ridicule. I simply just go with the flow.

> > I've battled with personal and social depression all my life.

I'm

> > like a sponge when it comes to the sadness in the world. So I

try

> > not to watch news anymore… it just upsets me and sinks me deeper.

> > War, death, famine, oil, poverty, gas prices, greed, politics,

> > corruption, abuse and mother nature fighting back… people rising

> > against people for what they feel is right… and what other's feel

> is

> > wrong. Over population… or over spending on death and

> destruction…

> > greed and manipulation… are we all MAD?

> >

> >

> > I was a Christian for 25 years and then my awakening came. I

left

> > religion… with a touch of anger and betrayal. But who is to

> blame

> > really? No one. I've read all the spiritual and self help

> books…

> > and I know what they say. Dr. Wayne Dyer, Ruiz, Shakti

> > Gawain, Sanaya Roman, Stuart Wilde, Neal Walsh, Deepak

Chopra,

> > Bruce Moen, Doreen Virtue, Choquette, , Sankara

> > Saraman, LaUna Huffines, Paramahansa Yogananda, and A Course in

> > Miracles. I've read them all. I'm getting to the point where

I'm

> > tired of trying to read myself to my own salvation.

> >

> >

> > I've already done it all. I've tried it all. I've been inspired

and

> > changed for a bit…. but life always has a way of bringing you back

> to

> > square one after the newness of it all wears off a bit. I feel

> > like there is a battle going on somewhere that I can't see… for my

> > attention and faith. The duality that lives within me is

sometimes

> > too much to bear. On one side I'm loving, caring and hopeful.

On

> > the other I'm down, depressed and hopeless. On one side I'm a

> > mother, daughter and wife. On the other side I'm a woman with

> > regrets, different dreams and desires than motherhood and

marriage.

> > How does one balance the duality within? Actually, I've

probably

> > read it already… but how do I apply it?

> >

> >

> > I desire to meditate more and focus more on peace… but my life is

> > too busy, the bills to big, and the days too short for me to keep

> > up. Something always gets in the way.

> >

> >

> > I feel like I'm sugar coating my life with positive quotes,

messages

> > and stories… that really do nothing for me… except inspire me

> just a

> > little. I want something to HAPPEN in my life. Something

> > extraordinary and earth-shattering that will change me at the

core of

> > my being. Something so profound that I can't ignore it.

> > Something that will help me accept and love myself for who and

what I

> > am regardless of where I've been or where I'm going. Something

that

> > will help me find my gift(s)… whatever it may be. (Did God forget

> to

> > give me one? As I can't do much of anything. I have no special

> > talents!) Something that will allow me to find inner confidence

and

> > high self-esteem… something that will make me shine for once in my

> > life. I watch others shine and wish I could do the same.

> >

> >

> > Because of my childhood… the way I was raised… I've always

> been more

> > on the negative side of life. That is what I was taught. I

won't

> > bore you with the grisly details… but I didn't have a happy

> childhood

> > at all… and that has carried over to my adulthood. (Forgiveness

> is

> > not an issue as I have already forgiven those who hurt me in my

> past…

> > I know that they " knew not what they do " . I knew it was a chain

of

> > abuse that needed to be broken and I did so.) I dream of the way

I

> > would like to be… and the way I would like my life to be… but

> I

> > never even come close to creating it. I just don't know how to

put

> > it into action. It all feels so foreign to me. It's like I'm

> > always reaching… and the harder I reach… the further it pulls

> away.

> >

> >

> > I work too much and always have. I work 3 jobs part-time. I

have a

> > regular job ( paycheck), which I don't like much (actually it's a

> > job I did 15 years ago… and now I'm back at square one again! So

> in

> > my eyes… I've accomplished nothing career wise in my life)… as

> I try

> > to build my next dream business on the side. And another

independent

> > rep side job that I do on the side to earn a little extra money on

> > the side… which actually seems to just take money from me. When

> all

> > I really want to do is to work my dream full-time and let go of

the

> > jobs I don't like. However, financially I can't. As each day

> > ticks by… years now…. I feel the dream slipping away again.

> Another

> > failure?

> >

> >

> > I like to call my work (my project / website / dream business) my

own

> > form of therapy…. because through it I'm trying to inspire myself

> and

> > make myself feel better too. But it's not working. Actually

> > nothing seems to work anymore. I already know and fully

understand

> > what everyone says… " that I must change my thoughts " ! But how

> does

> > one do that when you are bombarded with negative thoughts, images

and

> > experiences all day… every day? I try… and it works for a

> day or

> > two. Then something bad will happen… I imagine it as the universe

> > slamming me with a baseball bat to the head that sets me 20 steps

> > farther behind than where I was before. And this happens over

and

> > over and over and over again. Two steps forward.. 10 steps back.

> > Every time I take a few steps forward… I get excited and

> > think, " Wonderful! Things are beginning to look up! " …. then BAM!

> > Here's another hit to set you back again to square ONE… except

> it's

> > now beginning to feel like negative square -1,000. At the same

> > time, I watch the success of others, which just brings my

failures to

> > light even more. I'm getting so far into this black hole now… I

> > think I just may disappear or explode all together.

> >

> >

> > What makes me feel worse is the fact that now I can see how I'm a

> > black hole to everything I touch. Especially a financial black

> > hole! I've been in three long term relationships… married twice

> > (the first time at 16) and have all my relationships in debt …

> trying

> > to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. I carry that

> > guilt around with me every day. What I'm supposed to BE. I

create

> > business on top of business… to try to make my mark in the

> world… to

> > BECOME something / someone. But I just keep failing. I'm

tired of

> > failing… I don't want to fail anymore. I would like to know what

> > success feels like. I want to pay all my debts back and gain the

> > feeling of giving instead of taking all the time. My kids are 22

> > (depressed all the time), 19 (high all the time) and 8 (depressed

all

> > the time). (Obviously depression runs in my family… but WHY?????

> > Where is it coming from???) I driving my husband nuts because

I'm

> > sad and crying all the time.

> >

> >

> > I was " told " by a couple of psychic people that I'm " supposed to

be a

> > healer " . It was sprung on me out of the blue a few years ago.

What

> > am I supposed to do with that info… except take a couple of

> classes

> > and read a couple of books on how to be one? I don't FEEL like a

> > healer… maybe an extremely wounded healer. If I was supposed to

> be

> > a healer or a channel, as I was also told (… ya right!) wouldn't

> God

> > have just made me that way at birth? Wouldn't I KNOW I am

one? I

> > lack the confidence and self-esteem that's needed for that anyway…

> > and I don't know how to gain it or remedy it. And how do you

just

> > say the next day, `Hey… I'm a healer! " . Channel? How do you

> > decipher you thoughts from channeled thoughts? I wouldn't DARE

try

> > to channel to help someone… I'm a mess! So again, I fail.

> >

> >

> > Most days I feel invisible. My family is not close (which I don't

> > know how to fix)…. I don't have very many friends at all… and

> I

> > usually feel quite alone in this world. I just can't seem to

really

> > CONNECT with others on any level what-so-ever. I live in a New

> > England state that's full of religion… but lacking in

> spirituality!

> > There's no one to talk to here… and if there is… I can't find

> them!

> > And even if I could find them… I don't have TIME. So I carry on

> > alone in my interests / beliefs. I feel so disconnected from

others

> > it's not funny. (I was brought up an only child… although I do

> have

> > siblings – but I never lived with them. I was abandoned by my

> > father and given up for adoption.) I watch people laugh, have

fun

> > and be what seems to be happy…. And wonder why I can't be that way

> > too? Why is my life so riddled with sorrow and unhappiness?

Why

> > can't I at least FAKE it? Why did God make me so different?

Why

> > was I born to this family? What's wrong with me? Why can't I

enjoy

> > life or have fun? What happened along the way?

> >

> >

> > I wish I would fall down, bang my head and wake up somebody else!

> > As far back as I can remember… I've felt that I don't belong here.

> > I'm on the wrong planet… I'm in the wrong place. It's a world

> that's

> > just to harsh for me…. Or I'm too kind-hearted for it. I'm too

> > sensitive, quiet, and caring in a world that's noisy, careless and

> > just doesn't give a shit. " Get over it " … is all I hear. Chaos

> is

> > all I see. I'm tired of it. Yet I feel I've been put here

just

> > to observe it all. Observe… and try not to judge any of it…

> and

> > let it just BE. Like I was given a life… that I can't freely

> live…

> > just watch.

> >

> >

> > The duality in life is something that I can see all too clearly.

> > Each day I'm shown a new level of duality that reaches far beyond

> > this Earth plane… and I think to myself, " It will never end. "

> > Belief is the biggest game of duality… positive and negative.

> What

> > to believe in? Everyone has an answer to offer… but what's true

> for

> > me? I can't believe in something if I haven't EXPERIENCED it.

> > Faith was blown out of the water when I woke up and realized

religion

> > is a sham. I was told over and over to just have faith and

> believe…

> > yet was slapped in the face with the reality that religion is

false

> > too. So now I demand to see, hear and feel before I believe

> > anything. Trust was lost.

> >

> >

> > Part of me feels like this is just a pity party… yet at the same

> > time… it's a cry for help. The thoughts that enter my mind are

> > scary. I wonder if it's me… or do I have help? Is there a

> > negative black cloud above my head that follows me? Just how

will

> > I do it? Pills, razor, rope, exhaust fumes, falling from

something

> > very high or a combination? I wonder what I will write to my

> > children and my husband before I go. What will I say

besides " I'm

> > sorry " ? I just feel that they would be so better off without

me.

> > I feel more like a heavy burden to myself and them anyway.

Maybe

> > if I were not here… that cloud of doom and gloom that constantly

> > follows me would be removed from their lives and they can get on

with

> > a happier life.

> >

> >

> > These are the thoughts that run through my head on a bad

depression

> > day. I know I should be on meds… but don't really want to take

> > meds… as I've tried them twice before. In the meantime, I

> eat

> > badly and pray for a heart attack. I figure heart problems run

in my

> > family…. I'll just follow in the footsteps laid before me.

> >

> >

> > What is wrong with me? I know what I should do… but can't seem

> to

> > bring it about. I feel trapped… waiting to be released. I

> feel

> > stuck, like I've experienced all that I was supposed to, that I'm

not

> > allowed to be successful or happy… that brick wall is there that

> > won't let me proceed beyond it. Where's the dynamite that I

need to

> > blow the wall away?

> >

> >

> > Then again, maybe I'm just being lazy and don't want to " work " for

> > that release? But isn't that what I've been doing and had done?

> > I'm tired of trying so hard. Part of me feels that it all lies

in

> > my ability to reconnect with meditation… yet I don't feel worthy

> to

> > meditate anymore. I'm too filled with sorrow, anger, regrets and

> > general unhappiness. I'm angry at myself for having to start all

> > over again and again and again… just like everything else in my

> > life. The same lessons over and over and over. Why can't I

just

> > get it?

> >

> >

> > CHANGE… is not easy to incorporate.

> >

> >

> > So why post all this inner turmoil on Humanity Healing? Because

I

> > want to know if God's love is REAL. I want to know if it's ALL

> > real! Or just tricks of the mind. In 39 years I don't think

> > anyone has ever prayed for me. I've never asked anyone to pray

for

> > me. I want to know if this positive energy that we all speak of

is a

> > powerful as we claim it to be. I need to heal the root cause of

all

> > of this… but I don't know how. I want to experience the feeling

> of

> > a miracle in my life… and I'm sure there are many others out there

> > who desire the same. So is there anyone out there who can pray

for

> > me? Could you? Pray that this negative block in my life be

> > removed. That I can become a shining light for others, share and

> > give back in confidence and joy… instead of always being the one

> > who's silently in need… holding it all inside. I want to see

> for

> > myself if I feel any difference or have an " experience " of some

kind

> > that I can call God's loving energy being shown and present in my

> > life.

> >

> >

> > I wish I knew how I let things get this bad inside. Like I

said, I

> > KNOW what I'm supposed to be thinking and dwelling on… yet just

> the

> > opposite invades my mind. Control the mind? Can it be

> > controlled? Mine seems to have a life of its own! As I sit

back

> > and witness it! Where do I find the steering wheel inside of me?

> > Where's the gas pedal for positive flow and the brakes for

negative

> > invasion? I just don't get it.

> >

> >

> > My mother always said I was stupid.

> >

> >

> > And I'm so sorry I'm not stronger.

> >

> >

> > ~Anonymous

> >

> >

> > PS... I'll be sure to get in touch with a doctor!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dearest Tearsforpeace; What happens to the world and beyond when a Healer gives up? More darkness enters because a light went out, and what makes it even sadder is choosing to go out. Do you see where this statement is going? We are (inside) eith representitives of the dark or the light. There is strength in numbers and so you are very far from being alone, as you may feel at this time. It is so normal to strive for accomplishments, to feel like we changed something, did something good, helped another. These are few in the sense of how many we can see or count, not even taking into account those who would refuse or deny our most wise sincere words. We are all unique in the human concept. each to their own. Do not bother nor worry what another's path in life may be. simply find your own and be content. Trust this, and if you have read the books you say... all of this mess which we call our world fits together somehow. At this stage

in evolution, we are a very large disfunctional family, mostly mother-in-laws lol. We must have the wisdom and strength to see and accept our limitations with everything we attempt in life. There is no one exempt from this. Superman is a cartoon character, nothing more. Anyone who walks the path of a healer and the such will obviously at times become overwhelmed and out of focus by the seemingly endless problems and stories that others dump onto us, but realize please; we chose this, didn't we? (smiles). Take some time off from what is your usual scedhule. Refind yourself. If you do not, no one else can do it for you. many can help but they cannot cure. I wish I had a dollar for every timeout I took myself. It is such a heavy task we take on but seeing this in a very positive way; by doing this, we are not clinging to our self. Others are put first, and through their eyes, WE are the others. Suffering and sadness overlooks no one. Saints and sinners

equally have good and bad days, it is simply a matter of personal definition. It is the weekend. Timeout! Monday can be a fresh start with a refocused attitude. But please, I say this again... Never omit yourself. If we are unable to help ourself, there is no way others can be benefited in any virtious way from us either. Compassion and Light, Randy

[Guest guest]

Dear Tears for Peace, First to everyone I apologize for not writing more. You all have so much to say. On this subject I feel I can say I understand. I thought this over all day and decided I need to respond. A year ago I became so overwhelmed I tried to commit suicide. Actually I wanted pain to end and what I learned is that suicide will not end the pain. First please do not feel guilt. Getting to this point is physical. When one reaches a certain point like in my case-- nothing spiritual could get through and I felt too like I did not hear "God". I know now that in dark times it is like when we visit someone in ICU in a coma and sit with them. They do not always know we were there, but we were. I recommend reaching out to someone licensed to help. Strange to think we do not shame diabetics if their insulin is off or they simply need it. There is a

spiritual component to my healing and I've found it to be at the core and most important. But before I had the tools I needed a good counselor who had experience. In my case I found an EMDR specialist. They work with veterans and anyone who has been through trauma. It does not involve drugs and is licensed. But to get in a state where she could talk to me I have no shame to tell you I took antidepressants. If I had not been able to "change my mind" no one could have reached me. Now my counselor cheers me on to do Yoga and meditation. A year ago I would not have been ready for these things. People would shower me with hallmark card messages-- well intended, but did not make any sense until I could be there. And I was not. She taught me how to save my life. You were very brave to post here about this. I pray (and know) this will send out ripples to people you need and you will find them. What you are passing through is not something to do

alone. People may try to tell you to just be calm and the weekend will make everything different by Monday. When you are feeling suicidal time is not linear. Your emotional life is not linear. So sometimes we need help when we get caught in a downward spiral. Psychologists who work with cognitive therapy should not all be thrown into a group. There are some good ones, you just have to look like many other things. It is a journey. And one sign of a good counselor is they will help you to center again. I am still here. And grateful, but it took time. Distinguish therefore Individuals from the States through which they are passingStates change, Individuals neither change nor cease Blake. Take care of yourself. This is what you must do. Just like with any illness. Be kind and do what you would want someone else to do. Remember we can be so tough on ourselves and

say things we would never ever say to someone else. No healing can occur without compassion Deepak Chopra says. It is a very difficult point for you to have compassion for yourself right now. Obviously from observing posts there is a lot of compassion for you. Allow others to help steer. And cry and scream as much as you need to, just don't give up. A Higher Power I believe would rather you curse them than not talk at all. From: tearsforpeace <tearsforpeace@...>Subject: [] Thoughts of Suicide.... Date: Friday, May 16, 2008, 8:18 AM

Where to begin? I'm not sure. How it will end? I'm not sure.

Are there others who feel the same way I do out there? I'm not

sure.

Do I need healing? Absolutely! About two years ago… I thought my

healing work was done and I was good to go… guess I was wrong! I was

told I have an energy block… but I just don't know what it is.

Maybe it's mid-life crisis. Maybe I'm just having a bad day.

However, my bad days are more frequent lately and I'm getting tired

of asking "God" and my guides for help… and not seeming to get any

response. (or at least not the responses I'm hoping for… actually it

feels like I'm being ignored.) I've specifically asked for a true

spiritual experience so that I can KNOW… not "assume" (based on the

experiences of others) that it's all real…. this spiritual reality

that we conjure up in our minds. I've begun to question

EVERYTHING. I don't understand the purpose of all of this now more

than ever.

What I do know… is that I can't take it anymore. If something

doesn't change… if something "positive" doesn't happen in my life

soon… I'm going to crack and give up. I will take myself out of the

game.

You know… sometimes I feel so fake… like such a fraud. I try so

hard to inspire and encourage others to happiness… when inside I feel

so very sad and lonely. I tell others to "believe"… when I'm not

sure just WHAT to believe in anymore myself! (I'm actually already

a member of HH… I just rejoined under a different name so this post

can remain anonymous. I would be so embarrassed if you knew who I

really was!) My brain hurts from listening to everyone else's

assumptions and chatter of what life is about… what God and Spirit

is. Why we are here, where we are headed, what we are here to learn

and where we are going… everyone has a something to say about these

questions and more! Me? I don't know and can't really answer that

honestly… so I won't even try!

I speak of things and talk of things… what my assumptions are

regarding the true nature of spirituality… but in reality I'm really

not 100% positively sure. Why do we say we KNOW… when really we

don't.

It's like there are too many people wanting and talking about too

many things all at once. Life / time is going too fast and it's too

confusing. There are too many signs, advertisements, commercials,

emails, texts, phone calls, conversations, groups, businesses, news

reports…. people… all grasping for the attention (energy) of others,

you and me. I think of the enormity of it all… and again, my brain

hurts. I put my hands over my ears sometimes and just beg for

silence. I put my hands over my eyes and beg not to see anymore.

It's too overwhelming. I don't have to put my hands over my mouth…

because I usually don't speak my mind much. I'm more a listener….

not a talker. (although you wouldn't know it from this message!) I

AM a thinker though. But I don't usually share my thoughts… out of

fear of judgment and ridicule. I simply just go with the flow.

I've battled with personal and social depression all my life. I'm

like a sponge when it comes to the sadness in the world. So I try

not to watch news anymore… it just upsets me and sinks me deeper.

War, death, famine, oil, poverty, gas prices, greed, politics,

corruption, abuse and mother nature fighting back… people rising

against people for what they feel is right… and what other's feel is

wrong. Over population… or over spending on death and destruction…

greed and manipulation… are we all MAD?

I was a Christian for 25 years and then my awakening came. I left

religion… with a touch of anger and betrayal. But who is to blame

really? No one. I've read all the spiritual and self help books…

and I know what they say. Dr. Wayne Dyer, Ruiz, Shakti

Gawain, Sanaya Roman, Stuart Wilde, Neal Walsh, Deepak Chopra,

Bruce Moen, Doreen Virtue, Choquette, , Sankara

Saraman, LaUna Huffines, Paramahansa Yogananda, and A Course in

Miracles. I've read them all. I'm getting to the point where I'm

tired of trying to read myself to my own salvation.

I've already done it all. I've tried it all. I've been inspired and

changed for a bit…. but life always has a way of bringing you back to

square one after the newness of it all wears off a bit. I feel

like there is a battle going on somewhere that I can't see… for my

attention and faith. The duality that lives within me is sometimes

too much to bear. On one side I'm loving, caring and hopeful. On

the other I'm down, depressed and hopeless. On one side I'm a

mother, daughter and wife. On the other side I'm a woman with

regrets, different dreams and desires than motherhood and marriage.

How does one balance the duality within? Actually, I've probably

read it already… but how do I apply it?

I desire to meditate more and focus more on peace… but my life is

too busy, the bills to big, and the days too short for me to keep

up. Something always gets in the way.

I feel like I'm sugar coating my life with positive quotes, messages

and stories… that really do nothing for me… except inspire me just a

little. I want something to HAPPEN in my life. Something

extraordinary and earth-shattering that will change me at the core of

my being. Something so profound that I can't ignore it.

Something that will help me accept and love myself for who and what I

am regardless of where I've been or where I'm going. Something that

will help me find my gift(s)… whatever it may be. (Did God forget to

give me one? As I can't do much of anything. I have no special

talents!) Something that will allow me to find inner confidence and

high self-esteem… something that will make me shine for once in my

life. I watch others shine and wish I could do the same.

Because of my childhood… the way I was raised… I've always been more

on the negative side of life. That is what I was taught. I won't

bore you with the grisly details… but I didn't have a happy childhood

at all… and that has carried over to my adulthood. (Forgiveness is

not an issue as I have already forgiven those who hurt me in my past…

I know that they "knew not what they do". I knew it was a chain of

abuse that needed to be broken and I did so.) I dream of the way I

would like to be… and the way I would like my life to be… but I

never even come close to creating it. I just don't know how to put

it into action. It all feels so foreign to me. It's like I'm

always reaching… and the harder I reach… the further it pulls away.

I work too much and always have. I work 3 jobs part-time. I have a

regular job ( paycheck), which I don't like much (actually it's a

job I did 15 years ago… and now I'm back at square one again! So in

my eyes… I've accomplished nothing career wise in my life)… as I try

to build my next dream business on the side. And another independent

rep side job that I do on the side to earn a little extra money on

the side… which actually seems to just take money from me. When all

I really want to do is to work my dream full-time and let go of the

jobs I don't like. However, financially I can't. As each day

ticks by… years now…. I feel the dream slipping away again. Another

failure?

I like to call my work (my project / website / dream business) my own

form of therapy…. because through it I'm trying to inspire myself and

make myself feel better too. But it's not working. Actually

nothing seems to work anymore. I already know and fully understand

what everyone says… "that I must change my thoughts"! But how does

one do that when you are bombarded with negative thoughts, images and

experiences all day… every day? I try… and it works for a day or

two. Then something bad will happen… I imagine it as the universe

slamming me with a baseball bat to the head that sets me 20 steps

farther behind than where I was before. And this happens over and

over and over and over again. Two steps forward.. 10 steps back.

Every time I take a few steps forward… I get excited and

think, "Wonderful! Things are beginning to look up!"…. then BAM!

Here's another hit to set you back again to square ONE… except it's

now beginning to feel like negative square -1,000. At the same

time, I watch the success of others, which just brings my failures to

light even more. I'm getting so far into this black hole now… I

think I just may disappear or explode all together.

What makes me feel worse is the fact that now I can see how I'm a

black hole to everything I touch. Especially a financial black

hole! I've been in three long term relationships… married twice

(the first time at 16) and have all my relationships in debt … trying

to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. I carry that

guilt around with me every day. What I'm supposed to BE. I create

business on top of business… to try to make my mark in the world… to

BECOME something / someone. But I just keep failing. I'm tired of

failing… I don't want to fail anymore. I would like to know what

success feels like. I want to pay all my debts back and gain the

feeling of giving instead of taking all the time. My kids are 22

(depressed all the time), 19 (high all the time) and 8 (depressed all

the time). (Obviously depression runs in my family… but WHY?????

Where is it coming from???) I driving my husband nuts because I'm

sad and crying all the time.

I was "told" by a couple of psychic people that I'm "supposed to be a

healer". It was sprung on me out of the blue a few years ago. What

am I supposed to do with that info… except take a couple of classes

and read a couple of books on how to be one? I don't FEEL like a

healer… maybe an extremely wounded healer. If I was supposed to be

a healer or a channel, as I was also told (… ya right!) wouldn't God

have just made me that way at birth? Wouldn't I KNOW I am one? I

lack the confidence and self-esteem that's needed for that anyway…

and I don't know how to gain it or remedy it. And how do you just

say the next day, `Hey… I'm a healer!". Channel? How do you

decipher you thoughts from channeled thoughts? I wouldn't DARE try

to channel to help someone… I'm a mess! So again, I fail.

Most days I feel invisible. My family is not close (which I don't

know how to fix)…. I don't have very many friends at all… and I

usually feel quite alone in this world. I just can't seem to really

CONNECT with others on any level what-so-ever. I live in a New

England state that's full of religion… but lacking in spirituality!

There's no one to talk to here… and if there is… I can't find them!

And even if I could find them… I don't have TIME. So I carry on

alone in my interests / beliefs. I feel so disconnected from others

it's not funny. (I was brought up an only child… although I do have

siblings – but I never lived with them. I was abandoned by my

father and given up for adoption.) I watch people laugh, have fun

and be what seems to be happy…. And wonder why I can't be that way

too? Why is my life so riddled with sorrow and unhappiness? Why

can't I at least FAKE it? Why did God make me so different? Why

was I born to this family? What's wrong with me? Why can't I enjoy

life or have fun? What happened along the way?

I wish I would fall down, bang my head and wake up somebody else!

As far back as I can remember… I've felt that I don't belong here.

I'm on the wrong planet… I'm in the wrong place. It's a world that's

just to harsh for me…. Or I'm too kind-hearted for it. I'm too

sensitive, quiet, and caring in a world that's noisy, careless and

just doesn't give a shit. "Get over it"… is all I hear. Chaos is

all I see. I'm tired of it. Yet I feel I've been put here just

to observe it all. Observe… and try not to judge any of it… and

let it just BE. Like I was given a life… that I can't freely live…

just watch.

The duality in life is something that I can see all too clearly.

Each day I'm shown a new level of duality that reaches far beyond

this Earth plane… and I think to myself, "It will never end."

Belief is the biggest game of duality… positive and negative. What

to believe in? Everyone has an answer to offer… but what's true for

me? I can't believe in something if I haven't EXPERIENCED it.

Faith was blown out of the water when I woke up and realized religion

is a sham. I was told over and over to just have faith and believe…

yet was slapped in the face with the reality that religion is false

too. So now I demand to see, hear and feel before I believe

anything. Trust was lost.

Part of me feels like this is just a pity party… yet at the same

time… it's a cry for help. The thoughts that enter my mind are

scary. I wonder if it's me… or do I have help? Is there a

negative black cloud above my head that follows me? Just how will

I do it? Pills, razor, rope, exhaust fumes, falling from something

very high or a combination? I wonder what I will write to my

children and my husband before I go. What will I say besides "I'm

sorry"? I just feel that they would be so better off without me.

I feel more like a heavy burden to myself and them anyway. Maybe

if I were not here… that cloud of doom and gloom that constantly

follows me would be removed from their lives and they can get on with

a happier life.

These are the thoughts that run through my head on a bad depression

day. I know I should be on meds… but don't really want to take

meds… as I've tried them twice before. In the meantime, I eat

badly and pray for a heart attack. I figure heart problems run in my

family…. I'll just follow in the footsteps laid before me.

What is wrong with me? I know what I should do… but can't seem to

bring it about. I feel trapped… waiting to be released. I feel

stuck, like I've experienced all that I was supposed to, that I'm not

allowed to be successful or happy… that brick wall is there that

won't let me proceed beyond it. Where's the dynamite that I need to

blow the wall away?

Then again, maybe I'm just being lazy and don't want to "work" for

that release? But isn't that what I've been doing and had done?

I'm tired of trying so hard. Part of me feels that it all lies in

my ability to reconnect with meditation… yet I don't feel worthy to

meditate anymore. I'm too filled with sorrow, anger, regrets and

general unhappiness. I'm angry at myself for having to start all

over again and again and again… just like everything else in my

life. The same lessons over and over and over. Why can't I just

get it?

CHANGE… is not easy to incorporate.

So why post all this inner turmoil on Humanity Healing? Because I

want to know if God's love is REAL. I want to know if it's ALL

real! Or just tricks of the mind. In 39 years I don't think

anyone has ever prayed for me. I've never asked anyone to pray for

me. I want to know if this positive energy that we all speak of is a

powerful as we claim it to be. I need to heal the root cause of all

of this… but I don't know how. I want to experience the feeling of

a miracle in my life… and I'm sure there are many others out there

who desire the same. So is there anyone out there who can pray for

me? Could you? Pray that this negative block in my life be

removed. That I can become a shining light for others, share and

give back in confidence and joy… instead of always being the one

who's silently in need… holding it all inside. I want to see for

myself if I feel any difference or have an "experience" of some kind

that I can call God's loving energy being shown and present in my

life.

I wish I knew how I let things get this bad inside. Like I said, I

KNOW what I'm supposed to be thinking and dwelling on… yet just the

opposite invades my mind. Control the mind? Can it be

controlled? Mine seems to have a life of its own! As I sit back

and witness it! Where do I find the steering wheel inside of me?

Where's the gas pedal for positive flow and the brakes for negative

invasion? I just don't get it.

My mother always said I was stupid.

And I'm so sorry I'm not stronger.

~Anonymous

PS... I'll be sure to get in touch with a doctor!

[Guest guest]

Tearsforpeace, What an exciting place you're in right now, although it may not feel like it! In order to grow in light, we must realize the shadows that play tricks on our minds. Reread your post today and see if you feel differently about anything your wrote. My prayers are with you for your gentle and further awakening. With a loving, warm hug, tearsforpeace <tearsforpeace@...> wrote: Where to begin? I'm not sure. How it will end? I'm not sure. Are there others who feel the same way I do out there? I'm not sure. Do I need healing? Absolutely! About two years ago… I thought my healing work was done and I was good to go… guess I was wrong! I was told I have an energy block… but I just don't know what it is.Maybe it's mid-life crisis. Maybe I'm just having a bad day. However, my bad days are more frequent lately and

I'm getting tired of asking "God" and my guides for help… and not seeming to get any response. (or at least not the responses I'm hoping for… actually it feels like I'm being ignored.) I've specifically asked for a true spiritual experience so that I can KNOW… not "assume" (based on the experiences of others) that it's all real…. this spiritual reality that we conjure up in our minds. I've begun to question EVERYTHING. I don't understand the purpose of all of this now more than ever. What I do know… is that I can't take it anymore. If something doesn't change… if something "positive" doesn't happen in my life soon… I'm going to crack and give up. I will take myself out of the game. You know… sometimes I feel so fake… like such a fraud. I try so hard to inspire and encourage others to happiness… when inside I feel so very sad and lonely. I tell others to "believe"… when I'm not sure just WHAT to believe

in anymore myself! (I'm actually already a member of HH… I just rejoined under a different name so this post can remain anonymous. I would be so embarrassed if you knew who I really was!) My brain hurts from listening to everyone else's assumptions and chatter of what life is about… what God and Spirit is. Why we are here, where we are headed, what we are here to learn and where we are going… everyone has a something to say about these questions and more! Me? I don't know and can't really answer that honestly… so I won't even try!I speak of things and talk of things… what my assumptions are regarding the true nature of spirituality… but in reality I'm really not 100% positively sure. Why do we say we KNOW… when really we don't. It's like there are too many people wanting and talking about too many things all at once. Life / time is going too fast and it's too confusing. There are too many signs,

advertisements, commercials, emails, texts, phone calls, conversations, groups, businesses, news reports…. people… all grasping for the attention (energy) of others, you and me. I think of the enormity of it all… and again, my brain hurts. I put my hands over my ears sometimes and just beg for silence. I put my hands over my eyes and beg not to see anymore. It's too overwhelming. I don't have to put my hands over my mouth… because I usually don't speak my mind much. I'm more a listener…. not a talker. (although you wouldn't know it from this message!) I AM a thinker though. But I don't usually share my thoughts… out of fear of judgment and ridicule. I simply just go with the flow.I've battled with personal and social depression all my life. I'm like a sponge when it comes to the sadness in the world. So I try not to watch news anymore… it just upsets me and sinks me deeper. War, death, famine, oil, poverty, gas

prices, greed, politics, corruption, abuse and mother nature fighting back… people rising against people for what they feel is right… and what other's feel is wrong. Over population… or over spending on death and destruction… greed and manipulation… are we all MAD?I was a Christian for 25 years and then my awakening came. I left religion… with a touch of anger and betrayal. But who is to blame really? No one. I've read all the spiritual and self help books… and I know what they say. Dr. Wayne Dyer, Ruiz, Shakti Gawain, Sanaya Roman, Stuart Wilde, Neal Walsh, Deepak Chopra, Bruce Moen, Doreen Virtue, Choquette, , Sankara Saraman, LaUna Huffines, Paramahansa Yogananda, and A Course in Miracles. I've read them all. I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of trying to read myself to my own salvation. I've already done it all. I've tried it all. I've been inspired and changed for

a bit…. but life always has a way of bringing you back to square one after the newness of it all wears off a bit. I feel like there is a battle going on somewhere that I can't see… for my attention and faith. The duality that lives within me is sometimes too much to bear. On one side I'm loving, caring and hopeful. On the other I'm down, depressed and hopeless. On one side I'm a mother, daughter and wife. On the other side I'm a woman with regrets, different dreams and desires than motherhood and marriage. How does one balance the duality within? Actually, I've probably read it already… but how do I apply it?I desire to meditate more and focus more on peace… but my life is too busy, the bills to big, and the days too short for me to keep up. Something always gets in the way. I feel like I'm sugar coating my life with positive quotes, messages and stories… that really do nothing for me… except inspire me just a

little. I want something to HAPPEN in my life. Something extraordinary and earth-shattering that will change me at the core of my being. Something so profound that I can't ignore it. Something that will help me accept and love myself for who and what I am regardless of where I've been or where I'm going. Something that will help me find my gift(s)… whatever it may be. (Did God forget to give me one? As I can't do much of anything. I have no special talents!) Something that will allow me to find inner confidence and high self-esteem… something that will make me shine for once in my life. I watch others shine and wish I could do the same.Because of my childhood… the way I was raised… I've always been more on the negative side of life. That is what I was taught. I won't bore you with the grisly details… but I didn't have a happy childhood at all… and that has carried over to my adulthood. (Forgiveness is not an

issue as I have already forgiven those who hurt me in my past… I know that they "knew not what they do". I knew it was a chain of abuse that needed to be broken and I did so.) I dream of the way I would like to be… and the way I would like my life to be… but I never even come close to creating it. I just don't know how to put it into action. It all feels so foreign to me. It's like I'm always reaching… and the harder I reach… the further it pulls away.I work too much and always have. I work 3 jobs part-time. I have a regular job ( paycheck), which I don't like much (actually it's a job I did 15 years ago… and now I'm back at square one again! So in my eyes… I've accomplished nothing career wise in my life)… as I try to build my next dream business on the side. And another independent rep side job that I do on the side to earn a little extra money on the side… which actually seems to just take money from me. When all

I really want to do is to work my dream full-time and let go of the jobs I don't like. However, financially I can't. As each day ticks by… years now…. I feel the dream slipping away again. Another failure?I like to call my work (my project / website / dream business) my own form of therapy…. because through it I'm trying to inspire myself and make myself feel better too. But it's not working. Actually nothing seems to work anymore. I already know and fully understand what everyone says… "that I must change my thoughts"! But how does one do that when you are bombarded with negative thoughts, images and experiences all day… every day? I try… and it works for a day or two. Then something bad will happen… I imagine it as the universe slamming me with a baseball bat to the head that sets me 20 steps farther behind than where I was before. And this happens over and over and over and over again. Two steps forward..

10 steps back. Every time I take a few steps forward… I get excited and think, "Wonderful! Things are beginning to look up!"…. then BAM! Here's another hit to set you back again to square ONE… except it's now beginning to feel like negative square -1,000. At the same time, I watch the success of others, which just brings my failures to light even more. I'm getting so far into this black hole now… I think I just may disappear or explode all together. What makes me feel worse is the fact that now I can see how I'm a black hole to everything I touch. Especially a financial black hole! I've been in three long term relationships… married twice (the first time at 16) and have all my relationships in debt … trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. I carry that guilt around with me every day. What I'm supposed to BE. I create business on top of business… to try to make my mark in the world… to BECOME

something / someone. But I just keep failing. I'm tired of failing… I don't want to fail anymore. I would like to know what success feels like. I want to pay all my debts back and gain the feeling of giving instead of taking all the time. My kids are 22 (depressed all the time), 19 (high all the time) and 8 (depressed all the time). (Obviously depression runs in my family… but WHY????? Where is it coming from???) I driving my husband nuts because I'm sad and crying all the time.I was "told" by a couple of psychic people that I'm "supposed to be a healer". It was sprung on me out of the blue a few years ago. What am I supposed to do with that info… except take a couple of classes and read a couple of books on how to be one? I don't FEEL like a healer… maybe an extremely wounded healer. If I was supposed to be a healer or a channel, as I was also told (… ya right!) wouldn't God have just made me that way at birth?

Wouldn't I KNOW I am one? I lack the confidence and self-esteem that's needed for that anyway… and I don't know how to gain it or remedy it. And how do you just say the next day, `Hey… I'm a healer!". Channel? How do you decipher you thoughts from channeled thoughts? I wouldn't DARE try to channel to help someone… I'm a mess! So again, I fail. Most days I feel invisible. My family is not close (which I don't know how to fix)…. I don't have very many friends at all… and I usually feel quite alone in this world. I just can't seem to really CONNECT with others on any level what-so-ever. I live in a New England state that's full of religion… but lacking in spirituality! There's no one to talk to here… and if there is… I can't find them! And even if I could find them… I don't have TIME. So I carry on alone in my interests / beliefs. I feel so disconnected from others it's not funny. (I was brought up an only child…

although I do have siblings – but I never lived with them. I was abandoned by my father and given up for adoption.) I watch people laugh, have fun and be what seems to be happy…. And wonder why I can't be that way too? Why is my life so riddled with sorrow and unhappiness? Why can't I at least FAKE it? Why did God make me so different? Why was I born to this family? What's wrong with me? Why can't I enjoy life or have fun? What happened along the way? I wish I would fall down, bang my head and wake up somebody else!As far back as I can remember… I've felt that I don't belong here. I'm on the wrong planet… I'm in the wrong place. It's a world that's just to harsh for me…. Or I'm too kind-hearted for it. I'm too sensitive, quiet, and caring in a world that's noisy, careless and just doesn't give a shit. "Get over it"… is all I hear. Chaos is all I see. I'm tired of it. Yet I feel I've been put here just to

observe it all. Observe… and try not to judge any of it… and let it just BE. Like I was given a life… that I can't freely live… just watch. The duality in life is something that I can see all too clearly. Each day I'm shown a new level of duality that reaches far beyond this Earth plane… and I think to myself, "It will never end." Belief is the biggest game of duality… positive and negative. What to believe in? Everyone has an answer to offer… but what's true for me? I can't believe in something if I haven't EXPERIENCED it. Faith was blown out of the water when I woke up and realized religion is a sham. I was told over and over to just have faith and believe… yet was slapped in the face with the reality that religion is false too. So now I demand to see, hear and feel before I believe anything. Trust was lost. Part of me feels like this is just a pity party… yet at the same time… it's a cry for help. The

thoughts that enter my mind are scary. I wonder if it's me… or do I have help? Is there a negative black cloud above my head that follows me? Just how will I do it? Pills, razor, rope, exhaust fumes, falling from something very high or a combination? I wonder what I will write to my children and my husband before I go. What will I say besides "I'm sorry"? I just feel that they would be so better off without me. I feel more like a heavy burden to myself and them anyway. Maybe if I were not here… that cloud of doom and gloom that constantly follows me would be removed from their lives and they can get on with a happier life. These are the thoughts that run through my head on a bad depression day. I know I should be on meds… but don't really want to take meds… as I've tried them twice before. In the meantime, I eat badly and pray for a heart attack. I figure heart problems run in my family…. I'll just follow in

the footsteps laid before me. What is wrong with me? I know what I should do… but can't seem to bring it about. I feel trapped… waiting to be released. I feel stuck, like I've experienced all that I was supposed to, that I'm not allowed to be successful or happy… that brick wall is there that won't let me proceed beyond it. Where's the dynamite that I need to blow the wall away? Then again, maybe I'm just being lazy and don't want to "work" for that release? But isn't that what I've been doing and had done? I'm tired of trying so hard. Part of me feels that it all lies in my ability to reconnect with meditation… yet I don't feel worthy to meditate anymore. I'm too filled with sorrow, anger, regrets and general unhappiness. I'm angry at myself for having to start all over again and again and again… just like everything else in my life. The same lessons over and over and over. Why can't I just get it?

CHANGE… is not easy to incorporate.So why post all this inner turmoil on Humanity Healing? Because I want to know if God's love is REAL. I want to know if it's ALL real! Or just tricks of the mind. In 39 years I don't think anyone has ever prayed for me. I've never asked anyone to pray for me. I want to know if this positive energy that we all speak of is a powerful as we claim it to be. I need to heal the root cause of all of this… but I don't know how. I want to experience the feeling of a miracle in my life… and I'm sure there are many others out there who desire the same. So is there anyone out there who can pray for me? Could you? Pray that this negative block in my life be removed. That I can become a shining light for others, share and give back in confidence and joy… instead of always being the one who's silently in need… holding it all inside. I want to see for myself if I feel any difference

or have an "experience" of some kind that I can call God's loving energy being shown and present in my life. I wish I knew how I let things get this bad inside. Like I said, I KNOW what I'm supposed to be thinking and dwelling on… yet just the opposite invades my mind. Control the mind? Can it be controlled? Mine seems to have a life of its own! As I sit back and witness it! Where do I find the steering wheel inside of me? Where's the gas pedal for positive flow and the brakes for negative invasion? I just don't get it.My mother always said I was stupid.And I'm so sorry I'm not stronger.~Anonymous PS... I'll be sure to get in touch with a doctor!

[Guest guest]

Dear One, I hold you in my heart and send you a lot of nourishing and strengthening energy. Love Rose --- You wrote: Where to begin? I'm not sure. snip: For I hope you are feeling better already.

[Guest guest]

I'm living too far away to hold you in my arm so tight so you can feel my compassion. I tried to kill myself several times, tried to show how desperate I was, tried to ask for Love, for His help, for ANY help...

I'm sometimes still desperate, and I sometimes think about giving up. But I'm never going to try to kill myself anymore. Because I'm trying to love myself, and the (sometimes ugly) world we're living in.

My personal email is: johanna_bechade@... and my Myspace is: http://www.myspace.com/adrenaline_rush_jo

Please sweetheart, feel free to "come over" and talk ANYTIME you feel the need. People of Humanity Healing will be there to help you through your sorrow too. I have faith in them and I have faith in you. I wish I could give you my shoulder to lean on...

Please sunshine, try to see the Beauty in you and what's around you. I know it's hard, but I said "try".

Sending all my love to you, wonderfull being, and much BlessingsYour Jo.

From: tearsforpeace@...Date: Fri, 16 May 2008 13:18:50 +0000Subject: [] Thoughts of Suicide....

Where to begin? I'm not sure. How it will end? I'm not sure. Are there others who feel the same way I do out there? I'm not sure. Do I need healing? Absolutely! About two years ago… I thought my healing work was done and I was good to go… guess I was wrong! I was told I have an energy block… but I just don't know what it is.Maybe it's mid-life crisis. Maybe I'm just having a bad day. However, my bad days are more frequent lately and I'm getting tired of asking "God" and my guides for help… and not seeming to get any response. (or at least not the responses I'm hoping for… actually it feels like I'm being ignored.) I've specifically asked for a true spiritual experience so that I can KNOW… not "assume" (based on the experiences of others) that it's all real…. this spiritual reality that we conjure up in our minds. I've begun to question EVERYTHING. I don't understand the purpose of all of this now more than ever. What I do know… is that I can't take it anymore. If something doesn't change… if something "positive" doesn't happen in my life soon… I'm going to crack and give up. I will take myself out of the game. You know… sometimes I feel so fake… like such a fraud. I try so hard to inspire and encourage others to happiness… when inside I feel so very sad and lonely. I tell others to "believe"… when I'm not sure just WHAT to believe in anymore myself! (I'm actually already a member of HH… I just rejoined under a different name so this post can remain anonymous. I would be so embarrassed if you knew who I really was!) My brain hurts from listening to everyone else's assumptions and chatter of what life is about… what God and Spirit is. Why we are here, where we are headed, what we are here to learn and where we are going… everyone has a something to say about these questions and more! Me? I don't know and can't really answer that honestly… so I won't even try!I speak of things and talk of things… what my assumptions are regarding the true nature of spirituality… but in reality I'm really not 100% positively sure. Why do we say we KNOW… when really we don't. It's like there are too many people wanting and talking about too many things all at once. Life / time is going too fast and it's too confusing. There are too many signs, advertisements, commercials, emails, texts, phone calls, conversations, groups, businesses, news reports…. people… all grasping for the attention (energy) of others, you and me. I think of the enormity of it all… and again, my brain hurts. I put my hands over my ears sometimes and just beg for silence. I put my hands over my eyes and beg not to see anymore. It's too overwhelming. I don't have to put my hands over my mouth… because I usually don't speak my mind much. I'm more a listener…. not a talker. (although you wouldn't know it from this message!) I AM a thinker though. But I don't usually share my thoughts… out of fear of judgment and ridicule. I simply just go with the flow.I've battled with personal and social depression all my life. I'm like a sponge when it comes to the sadness in the world. So I try not to watch news anymore… it just upsets me and sinks me deeper. War, death, famine, oil, poverty, gas prices, greed, politics, corruption, abuse and mother nature fighting back… people rising against people for what they feel is right… and what other's feel is wrong. Over population… or over spending on death and destruction… greed and manipulation… are we all MAD?I was a Christian for 25 years and then my awakening came. I left religion… with a touch of anger and betrayal. But who is to blame really? No one. I've read all the spiritual and self help books… and I know what they say. Dr. Wayne Dyer, Ruiz, Shakti Gawain, Sanaya Roman, Stuart Wilde, Neal Walsh, Deepak Chopra, Bruce Moen, Doreen Virtue, Choquette, , Sankara Saraman, LaUna Huffines, Paramahansa Yogananda, and A Course in Miracles. I've read them all. I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of trying to read myself to my own salvation. I've already done it all. I've tried it all. I've been inspired and changed for a bit…. but life always has a way of bringing you back to square one after the newness of it all wears off a bit. I feel like there is a battle going on somewhere that I can't see… for my attention and faith. The duality that lives within me is sometimes too much to bear. On one side I'm loving, caring and hopeful. On the other I'm down, depressed and hopeless. On one side I'm a mother, daughter and wife. On the other side I'm a woman with regrets, different dreams and desires than motherhood and marriage. How does one balance the duality within? Actually, I've probably read it already… but how do I apply it?I desire to meditate more and focus more on peace… but my life is too busy, the bills to big, and the days too short for me to keep up. Something always gets in the way. I feel like I'm sugar coating my life with positive quotes, messages and stories… that really do nothing for me… except inspire me just a little. I want something to HAPPEN in my life. Something extraordinary and earth-shattering that will change me at the core of my being. Something so profound that I can't ignore it. Something that will help me accept and love myself for who and what I am regardless of where I've been or where I'm going. Something that will help me find my gift(s)… whatever it may be. (Did God forget to give me one? As I can't do much of anything. I have no special talents!) Something that will allow me to find inner confidence and high self-esteem… something that will make me shine for once in my life. I watch others shine and wish I could do the same.Because of my childhood… the way I was raised… I've always been more on the negative side of life. That is what I was taught. I won't bore you with the grisly details… but I didn't have a happy childhood at all… and that has carried over to my adulthood. (Forgiveness is not an issue as I have already forgiven those who hurt me in my past… I know that they "knew not what they do". I knew it was a chain of abuse that needed to be broken and I did so.) I dream of the way I would like to be… and the way I would like my life to be… but I never even come close to creating it. I just don't know how to put it into action. It all feels so foreign to me. It's like I'm always reaching… and the harder I reach… the further it pulls away.I work too much and always have. I work 3 jobs part-time. I have a regular job ( paycheck), which I don't like much (actually it's a job I did 15 years ago… and now I'm back at square one again! So in my eyes… I've accomplished nothing career wise in my life)… as I try to build my next dream business on the side. And another independent rep side job that I do on the side to earn a little extra money on the side… which actually seems to just take money from me. When all I really want to do is to work my dream full-time and let go of the jobs I don't like. However, financially I can't. As each day ticks by… years now…. I feel the dream slipping away again. Another failure?I like to call my work (my project / website / dream business) my own form of therapy…. because through it I'm trying to inspire myself and make myself feel better too. But it's not working. Actually nothing seems to work anymore. I already know and fully understand what everyone says… "that I must change my thoughts"! But how does one do that when you are bombarded with negative thoughts, images and experiences all day… every day? I try… and it works for a day or two. Then something bad will happen… I imagine it as the universe slamming me with a baseball bat to the head that sets me 20 steps farther behind than where I was before. And this happens over and over and over and over again. Two steps forward.. 10 steps back. Every time I take a few steps forward… I get excited and think, "Wonderful! Things are beginning to look up!"…. then BAM! Here's another hit to set you back again to square ONE… except it's now beginning to feel like negative square -1,000. At the same time, I watch the success of others, which just brings my failures to light even more. I'm getting so far into this black hole now… I think I just may disappear or explode all together. What makes me feel worse is the fact that now I can see how I'm a black hole to everything I touch. Especially a financial black hole! I've been in three long term relationships… married twice (the first time at 16) and have all my relationships in debt … trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. I carry that guilt around with me every day. What I'm supposed to BE. I create business on top of business… to try to make my mark in the world… to BECOME something / someone. But I just keep failing. I'm tired of failing… I don't want to fail anymore. I would like to know what success feels like. I want to pay all my debts back and gain the feeling of giving instead of taking all the time. My kids are 22 (depressed all the time), 19 (high all the time) and 8 (depressed all the time). (Obviously depression runs in my family… but WHY????? Where is it coming from???) I driving my husband nuts because I'm sad and crying all the time.I was "told" by a couple of psychic people that I'm "supposed to be a healer". It was sprung on me out of the blue a few years ago. What am I supposed to do with that info… except take a couple of classes and read a couple of books on how to be one? I don't FEEL like a healer… maybe an extremely wounded healer. If I was supposed to be a healer or a channel, as I was also told (… ya right!) wouldn't God have just made me that way at birth? Wouldn't I KNOW I am one? I lack the confidence and self-esteem that's needed for that anyway… and I don't know how to gain it or remedy it. And how do you just say the next day, `Hey… I'm a healer!". Channel? How do you decipher you thoughts from channeled thoughts? I wouldn't DARE try to channel to help someone… I'm a mess! So again, I fail. Most days I feel invisible. My family is not close (which I don't know how to fix)…. I don't have very many friends at all… and I usually feel quite alone in this world. I just can't seem to really CONNECT with others on any level what-so-ever. I live in a New England state that's full of religion… but lacking in spirituality! There's no one to talk to here… and if there is… I can't find them! And even if I could find them… I don't have TIME. So I carry on alone in my interests / beliefs. I feel so disconnected from others it's not funny. (I was brought up an only child… although I do have siblings – but I never lived with them. I was abandoned by my father and given up for adoption.) I watch people laugh, have fun and be what seems to be happy…. And wonder why I can't be that way too? Why is my life so riddled with sorrow and unhappiness? Why can't I at least FAKE it? Why did God make me so different? Why was I born to this family? What's wrong with me? Why can't I enjoy life or have fun? What happened along the way? I wish I would fall down, bang my head and wake up somebody else!As far back as I can remember… I've felt that I don't belong here. I'm on the wrong planet… I'm in the wrong place. It's a world that's just to harsh for me…. Or I'm too kind-hearted for it. I'm too sensitive, quiet, and caring in a world that's noisy, careless and just doesn't give a shit. "Get over it"… is all I hear. Chaos is all I see. I'm tired of it. Yet I feel I've been put here just to observe it all. Observe… and try not to judge any of it… and let it just BE. Like I was given a life… that I can't freely live… just watch. The duality in life is something that I can see all too clearly. Each day I'm shown a new level of duality that reaches far beyond this Earth plane… and I think to myself, "It will never end." Belief is the biggest game of duality… positive and negative. What to believe in? Everyone has an answer to offer… but what's true for me? I can't believe in something if I haven't EXPERIENCED it. Faith was blown out of the water when I woke up and realized religion is a sham. I was told over and over to just have faith and believe… yet was slapped in the face with the reality that religion is false too. So now I demand to see, hear and feel before I believe anything. Trust was lost. Part of me feels like this is just a pity party… yet at the same time… it's a cry for help. The thoughts that enter my mind are scary. I wonder if it's me… or do I have help? Is there a negative black cloud above my head that follows me? Just how will I do it? Pills, razor, rope, exhaust fumes, falling from something very high or a combination? I wonder what I will write to my children and my husband before I go. What will I say besides "I'm sorry"? I just feel that they would be so better off without me. I feel more like a heavy burden to myself and them anyway. Maybe if I were not here… that cloud of doom and gloom that constantly follows me would be removed from their lives and they can get on with a happier life. These are the thoughts that run through my head on a bad depression day. I know I should be on meds… but don't really want to take meds… as I've tried them twice before. In the meantime, I eat badly and pray for a heart attack. I figure heart problems run in my family…. I'll just follow in the footsteps laid before me. What is wrong with me? I know what I should do… but can't seem to bring it about. I feel trapped… waiting to be released. I feel stuck, like I've experienced all that I was supposed to, that I'm not allowed to be successful or happy… that brick wall is there that won't let me proceed beyond it. Where's the dynamite that I need to blow the wall away? Then again, maybe I'm just being lazy and don't want to "work" for that release? But isn't that what I've been doing and had done? I'm tired of trying so hard. Part of me feels that it all lies in my ability to reconnect with meditation… yet I don't feel worthy to meditate anymore. I'm too filled with sorrow, anger, regrets and general unhappiness. I'm angry at myself for having to start all over again and again and again… just like everything else in my life. The same lessons over and over and over. Why can't I just get it? CHANGE… is not easy to incorporate.So why post all this inner turmoil on Humanity Healing? Because I want to know if God's love is REAL. I want to know if it's ALL real! Or just tricks of the mind. In 39 years I don't think anyone has ever prayed for me. I've never asked anyone to pray for me. I want to know if this positive energy that we all speak of is a powerful as we claim it to be. I need to heal the root cause of all of this… but I don't know how. I want to experience the feeling of a miracle in my life… and I'm sure there are many others out there who desire the same. So is there anyone out there who can pray for me? Could you? Pray that this negative block in my life be removed. That I can become a shining light for others, share and give back in confidence and joy… instead of always being the one who's silently in need… holding it all inside. I want to see for myself if I feel any difference or have an "experience" of some kind that I can call God's loving energy being shown and present in my life. I wish I knew how I let things get this bad inside. Like I said, I KNOW what I'm supposed to be thinking and dwelling on… yet just the opposite invades my mind. Control the mind? Can it be controlled? Mine seems to have a life of its own! As I sit back and witness it! Where do I find the steering wheel inside of me? Where's the gas pedal for positive flow and the brakes for negative invasion? I just don't get it.My mother always said I was stupid.And I'm so sorry I'm not stronger.~Anonymous PS... I'll be sure to get in touch with a doctor! Plus de 15 millions de français utilisent Windows Live Messenger ! Téléchargez Messenger, c'est gratuit !

[Guest guest]

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR BEING SO STRONG AND RECOVERING...I HAVE MANIC DEPRESSION, AND I KNOW HOW IT FEELS WHEN YOU FEEL THE WORLD IS AGAINST YOU...YOU HAVE BEEN VERY FORTUNATE TO FIND A GOOD PSYCHOLOGIST...I WILL PRAY FOR YOU AND JUST KNOW, YOU ARE NOT ALONE...YOU DONT KNOW ME, BUT I LOVE YOU AND I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS...SENDING LOVE AND LIGHT UNTO THE WORLD,BRENDA H.----- Original Message ----From: Elaine Weide <elaineweide@...> Sent: Friday, May 16, 2008 6:56:34

PMSubject: Re: [] Thoughts of Suicide....

Dear Tears for Peace, First to everyone I apologize for not writing more. You all have so much to say. On this subject I feel I can say I understand. I thought this over all day and decided I need to respond. A year ago I became so overwhelmed I tried to commit suicide. Actually I wanted pain to end and what I learned is that suicide will not end the pain. First please do not feel guilt. Getting to this point is physical. When one reaches a certain point like in my case-- nothing spiritual could get through and I felt too like I did not hear "God". I know now that in dark times it is like when we visit someone in ICU in a coma and sit with them. They do not always know we were

there, but we were. I recommend reaching out to someone licensed to help. Strange to think we do not shame diabetics if their insulin is off or they simply need it. There is a

spiritual component to my healing and I've found it to be at the core and most important. But before I had the tools I needed a good counselor who had experience. In my case I found an EMDR specialist. They work with veterans and anyone who has been through trauma. It does not involve drugs and is licensed. But to get in a state where she could talk to me I have no shame to tell you I took antidepressants. If I had not been able to "change my mind" no one could have reached me. Now my counselor cheers me on to do Yoga and meditation. A year ago I would not have been ready for these things. People would shower me with hallmark card messages-- well intended, but did not make any sense until I could be there. And I was not. She taught me how to save my life. You were very brave to post here about this. I pray (and know) this will send out ripples to people you need and you will find them. What you are passing through is not something to do

alone. People may try to tell you to just be calm and the weekend will make everything different by Monday. When you are feeling suicidal time is not linear. Your emotional life is not linear. So sometimes we need help when we get caught in a downward spiral. Psychologists who work with cognitive therapy should not all be thrown into a group. There are some good ones, you just have to look like many other things. It is a journey. And one sign of a good counselor is they will help you to center again. I am still here. And grateful, but it took time. Distinguish therefore Individuals from the States through which they are passingStates change, Individuals neither change nor cease Blake. Take care of yourself. This is what you must do. Just like with any illness. Be kind and do what you would want someone else to do. Remember we can be so tough on ourselves and

say things we would never ever say to someone else. No healing can occur without compassion Deepak Chopra says. It is a very difficult point for you to have compassion for yourself right now. Obviously from observing posts there is a lot of compassion for you. Allow others to help steer. And cry and scream as much as you need to, just don't give up. A Higher Power I believe would rather you curse them than not talk at all. From: tearsforpeace <tearsforpeace>Subject: [] Thoughts of Suicide....Date: Friday, May 16, 2008, 8:18 AM

Where to begin? I'm not sure. How it will end? I'm not sure.

Are there others who feel the same way I do out there? I'm not

sure.

Do I need healing? Absolutely! About two years ago… I thought my

healing work was done and I was good to go… guess I was wrong! I was

told I have an energy block… but I just don't know what it is.

Maybe it's mid-life crisis. Maybe I'm just having a bad day.

However, my bad days are more frequent lately and I'm getting tired

of asking "God" and my guides for help… and not seeming to get any

response. (or at least not the responses I'm hoping for… actually it

feels like I'm being ignored.) I've specifically asked for a true

spiritual experience so that I can KNOW… not "assume" (based on the

experiences of others) that it's all real…. this spiritual reality

that we conjure up in our minds. I've begun to question

EVERYTHING. I don't understand the purpose of all of this now more

than ever.

What I do know… is that I can't take it anymore. If something

doesn't change… if something "positive" doesn't happen in my life

soon… I'm going to crack and give up. I will take myself out of the

game.

You know… sometimes I feel so fake… like such a fraud. I try so

hard to inspire and encourage others to happiness… when inside I feel

so very sad and lonely. I tell others to "believe"… when I'm not

sure just WHAT to believe in anymore myself! (I'm actually already

a member of HH… I just rejoined under a different name so this post

can remain anonymous. I would be so embarrassed if you knew who I

really was!) My brain hurts from listening to everyone else's

assumptions and chatter of what life is about… what God and Spirit

is. Why we are here, where we are headed, what we are here to learn

and where we are going… everyone has a something to say about these

questions and more! Me? I don't know and can't really answer that

honestly… so I won't even try!

I speak of things and talk of things… what my assumptions are

regarding the true nature of spirituality… but in reality I'm really

not 100% positively sure. Why do we say we KNOW… when really we

don't.

It's like there are too many people wanting and talking about too

many things all at once. Life / time is going too fast and it's too

confusing. There are too many signs, advertisements, commercials,

emails, texts, phone calls, conversations, groups, businesses, news

reports…. people… all grasping for the attention (energy) of others,

you and me. I think of the enormity of it all… and again, my brain

hurts. I put my hands over my ears sometimes and just beg for

silence. I put my hands over my eyes and beg not to see anymore.

It's too overwhelming. I don't have to put my hands over my mouth…

because I usually don't speak my mind much. I'm more a listener….

not a talker. (although you wouldn't know it from this message!) I

AM a thinker though. But I don't usually share my thoughts… out of

fear of judgment and ridicule. I simply just go with the flow.

I've battled with personal and social depression all my life. I'm

like a sponge when it comes to the sadness in the world. So I try

not to watch news anymore… it just upsets me and sinks me deeper.

War, death, famine, oil, poverty, gas prices, greed, politics,

corruption, abuse and mother nature fighting back… people rising

against people for what they feel is right… and what other's feel is

wrong. Over population… or over spending on death and destruction…

greed and manipulation… are we all MAD?

I was a Christian for 25 years and then my awakening came. I left

religion… with a touch of anger and betrayal. But who is to blame

really? No one. I've read all the spiritual and self help books…

and I know what they say. Dr. Wayne Dyer, Ruiz, Shakti

Gawain, Sanaya Roman, Stuart Wilde, Neal Walsh, Deepak Chopra,

Bruce Moen, Doreen Virtue, Choquette, , Sankara

Saraman, LaUna Huffines, Paramahansa Yogananda, and A Course in

Miracles. I've read them all. I'm getting to the point where I'm

tired of trying to read myself to my own salvation.

I've already done it all. I've tried it all. I've been inspired and

changed for a bit…. but life always has a way of bringing you back to

square one after the newness of it all wears off a bit. I feel

like there is a battle going on somewhere that I can't see… for my

attention and faith. The duality that lives within me is sometimes

too much to bear. On one side I'm loving, caring and hopeful. On

the other I'm down, depressed and hopeless. On one side I'm a

mother, daughter and wife. On the other side I'm a woman with

regrets, different dreams and desires than motherhood and marriage.

How does one balance the duality within? Actually, I've probably

read it already… but how do I apply it?

I desire to meditate more and focus more on peace… but my life is

too busy, the bills to big, and the days too short for me to keep

up. Something always gets in the way.

I feel like I'm sugar coating my life with positive quotes, messages

and stories… that really do nothing for me… except inspire me just a

little. I want something to HAPPEN in my life. Something

extraordinary and earth-shattering that will change me at the core of

my being. Something so profound that I can't ignore it.

Something that will help me accept and love myself for who and what I

am regardless of where I've been or where I'm going. Something that

will help me find my gift(s)… whatever it may be. (Did God forget to

give me one? As I can't do much of anything. I have no special

talents!) Something that will allow me to find inner confidence and

high self-esteem… something that will make me shine for once in my

life. I watch others shine and wish I could do the same.

Because of my childhood… the way I was raised… I've always been more

on the negative side of life. That is what I was taught. I won't

bore you with the grisly details… but I didn't have a happy childhood

at all… and that has carried over to my adulthood. (Forgiveness is

not an issue as I have already forgiven those who hurt me in my past…

I know that they "knew not what they do". I knew it was a chain of

abuse that needed to be broken and I did so.) I dream of the way I

would like to be… and the way I would like my life to be… but I

never even come close to creating it. I just don't know how to put

it into action. It all feels so foreign to me. It's like I'm

always reaching… and the harder I reach… the further it pulls away.

I work too much and always have. I work 3 jobs part-time. I have a

regular job ( paycheck), which I don't like much (actually it's a

job I did 15 years ago… and now I'm back at square one again! So in

my eyes… I've accomplished nothing career wise in my life)… as I try

to build my next dream business on the side. And another independent

rep side job that I do on the side to earn a little extra money on

the side… which actually seems to just take money from me. When all

I really want to do is to work my dream full-time and let go of the

jobs I don't like. However, financially I can't. As each day

ticks by… years now…. I feel the dream slipping away again. Another

failure?

I like to call my work (my project / website / dream business) my own

form of therapy…. because through it I'm trying to inspire myself and

make myself feel better too. But it's not working. Actually

nothing seems to work anymore. I already know and fully understand

what everyone says… "that I must change my thoughts"! But how does

one do that when you are bombarded with negative thoughts, images and

experiences all day… every day? I try… and it works for a day or

two. Then something bad will happen… I imagine it as the universe

slamming me with a baseball bat to the head that sets me 20 steps

farther behind than where I was before. And this happens over and

over and over and over again. Two steps forward.. 10 steps back.

Every time I take a few steps forward… I get excited and

think, "Wonderful! Things are beginning to look up!"…. then BAM!

Here's another hit to set you back again to square ONE… except it's

now beginning to feel like negative square -1,000. At the same

time, I watch the success of others, which just brings my failures to

light even more. I'm getting so far into this black hole now… I

think I just may disappear or explode all together.

What makes me feel worse is the fact that now I can see how I'm a

black hole to everything I touch. Especially a financial black

hole! I've been in three long term relationships… married twice

(the first time at 16) and have all my relationships in debt … trying

to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. I carry that

guilt around with me every day. What I'm supposed to BE. I create

business on top of business… to try to make my mark in the world… to

BECOME something / someone. But I just keep failing. I'm tired of

failing… I don't want to fail anymore. I would like to know what

success feels like. I want to pay all my debts back and gain the

feeling of giving instead of taking all the time. My kids are 22

(depressed all the time), 19 (high all the time) and 8 (depressed all

the time). (Obviously depression runs in my family… but WHY?????

Where is it coming from???) I driving my husband nuts because I'm

sad and crying all the time.

I was "told" by a couple of psychic people that I'm "supposed to be a

healer". It was sprung on me out of the blue a few years ago. What

am I supposed to do with that info… except take a couple of classes

and read a couple of books on how to be one? I don't FEEL like a

healer… maybe an extremely wounded healer. If I was supposed to be

a healer or a channel, as I was also told (… ya right!) wouldn't God

have just made me that way at birth? Wouldn't I KNOW I am one? I

lack the confidence and self-esteem that's needed for that anyway…

and I don't know how to gain it or remedy it. And how do you just

say the next day, `Hey… I'm a healer!". Channel? How do you

decipher you thoughts from channeled thoughts? I wouldn't DARE try

to channel to help someone… I'm a mess! So again, I fail.

Most days I feel invisible. My family is not close (which I don't

know how to fix)…. I don't have very many friends at all… and I

usually feel quite alone in this world. I just can't seem to really

CONNECT with others on any level what-so-ever. I live in a New

England state that's full of religion… but lacking in spirituality!

There's no one to talk to here… and if there is… I can't find them!

And even if I could find them… I don't have TIME. So I carry on

alone in my interests / beliefs. I feel so disconnected from others

it's not funny. (I was brought up an only child… although I do have

siblings – but I never lived with them. I was abandoned by my

father and given up for adoption.) I watch people laugh, have fun

and be what seems to be happy…. And wonder why I can't be that way

too? Why is my life so riddled with sorrow and unhappiness? Why

can't I at least FAKE it? Why did God make me so different? Why

was I born to this family? What's wrong with me? Why can't I enjoy

life or have fun? What happened along the way?

I wish I would fall down, bang my head and wake up somebody else!

As far back as I can remember… I've felt that I don't belong here.

I'm on the wrong planet… I'm in the wrong place. It's a world that's

just to harsh for me…. Or I'm too kind-hearted for it. I'm too

sensitive, quiet, and caring in a world that's noisy, careless and

just doesn't give a shit. "Get over it"… is all I hear. Chaos is

all I see. I'm tired of it. Yet I feel I've been put here just

to observe it all. Observe… and try not to judge any of it… and

let it just BE. Like I was given a life… that I can't freely live…

just watch.

The duality in life is something that I can see all too clearly.

Each day I'm shown a new level of duality that reaches far beyond

this Earth plane… and I think to myself, "It will never end."

Belief is the biggest game of duality… positive and negative. What

to believe in? Everyone has an answer to offer… but what's true for

me? I can't believe in something if I haven't EXPERIENCED it.

Faith was blown out of the water when I woke up and realized religion

is a sham. I was told over and over to just have faith and believe…

yet was slapped in the face with the reality that religion is false

too. So now I demand to see, hear and feel before I believe

anything. Trust was lost.

Part of me feels like this is just a pity party… yet at the same

time… it's a cry for help. The thoughts that enter my mind are

scary. I wonder if it's me… or do I have help? Is there a

negative black cloud above my head that follows me? Just how will

I do it? Pills, razor, rope, exhaust fumes, falling from something

very high or a combination? I wonder what I will write to my

children and my husband before I go. What will I say besides "I'm

sorry"? I just feel that they would be so better off without me.

I feel more like a heavy burden to myself and them anyway. Maybe

if I were not here… that cloud of doom and gloom that constantly

follows me would be removed from their lives and they can get on with

a happier life.

These are the thoughts that run through my head on a bad depression

day. I know I should be on meds… but don't really want to take

meds… as I've tried them twice before. In the meantime, I eat

badly and pray for a heart attack. I figure heart problems run in my

family…. I'll just follow in the footsteps laid before me.

What is wrong with me? I know what I should do… but can't seem to

bring it about. I feel trapped… waiting to be released. I feel

stuck, like I've experienced all that I was supposed to, that I'm not

allowed to be successful or happy… that brick wall is there that

won't let me proceed beyond it. Where's the dynamite that I need to

blow the wall away?

Then again, maybe I'm just being lazy and don't want to "work" for

that release? But isn't that what I've been doing and had done?

I'm tired of trying so hard. Part of me feels that it all lies in

my ability to reconnect with meditation… yet I don't feel worthy to

meditate anymore. I'm too filled with sorrow, anger, regrets and

general unhappiness. I'm angry at myself for having to start all

over again and again and again… just like everything else in my

life. The same lessons over and over and over. Why can't I just

get it?

CHANGE… is not easy to incorporate.

So why post all this inner turmoil on Humanity Healing? Because I

want to know if God's love is REAL. I want to know if it's ALL

real! Or just tricks of the mind. In 39 years I don't think

anyone has ever prayed for me. I've never asked anyone to pray for

me. I want to know if this positive energy that we all speak of is a

powerful as we claim it to be. I need to heal the root cause of all

of this… but I don't know how. I want to experience the feeling of

a miracle in my life… and I'm sure there are many others out there

who desire the same. So is there anyone out there who can pray for

me? Could you? Pray that this negative block in my life be

removed. That I can become a shining light for others, share and

give back in confidence and joy… instead of always being the one

who's silently in need… holding it all inside. I want to see for

myself if I feel any difference or have an "experience" of some kind

that I can call God's loving energy being shown and present in my

life.

I wish I knew how I let things get this bad inside. Like I said, I

KNOW what I'm supposed to be thinking and dwelling on… yet just the

opposite invades my mind. Control the mind? Can it be

controlled? Mine seems to have a life of its own! As I sit back

and witness it! Where do I find the steering wheel inside of me?

Where's the gas pedal for positive flow and the brakes for negative

invasion? I just don't get it.

My mother always said I was stupid.

And I'm so sorry I'm not stronger.

~Anonymous

PS... I'll be sure to get in touch with a doctor!

[Guest guest]

I feel your pain, I really do. And I would like to offer you some

help.

Spirituality to me (in my experience) is NOT about putting pink paint

on all our " problems " its about radical INNER transformation.

Changing every thought that is not of God, changing your perceptions

on EVERYTHING!!!

Can you agree with me, that maybe your perception of the " world "

and " spirituality " and " your life " may be a little warped? I was just

like you!!! I was sure I did not belong here, sure I'd been lied to,

sure religion IS crap!!!

So what can I change- NOT the WORLD- it will never change. I start

with me!!! I always say " wake up in the morning and put your

hoolahoop on " anything inside of it is your responsibility everything

outside is NONE of your business. " You may think this is

contradicotry but in fact when I change my perceptions- I don't feel

the pain and sadness of the entire planet anymore, I don't rush after

desire after desire. I don't feel like a failure because I am not no

matter how it looks as if I failed!!!

I had a book tossing day about a year ago where I was absolutely sure

none of them did any good. I said there must be a better way!!

Then after my 5 days of crying wore off, I realized. I read all those

books that showed me step by step how to live, but it never worked

because i didn't do what they told me to do. I wasn't being loving,

being peaceful, being forgiving. So I went back to that book that

made the most difference and guess what it was- I suggest it to you,

not that you need another book to read, but you need a book that you

CAN DO- and it's all about your thinking and your perceptions.

" Seek not to change the world, change your mind about the world. "

Read it, trust me, you want an experience, trust me you will get what

you ask for....

" Dissapearance of the Universe " , by R. Renard

and guess what not only will the eternity of duality disappear but so

will your perceptions and your thinking and what will shine through

will be God itself....

PLEASE TAKE THIS SUGGESTION IF NO OTHERS!!!

Love,

www.myspace.com/cleangrrl777

[Guest guest]

Oh my goodness.. You my dear are soooo not alone..!!

We have all been through this in some way or another.. Feeling fake..

or lost, confused out of nowhere, which means we (Loose Faith) in

ourselves and all that is.. We begin to think without faith, and with

the thought of how things should be..

Mother Theresa has felt this.. Even doubted that God was real.. can

you believe that? This is true.. And stopped believing in Jesus.. No

faith..

When we start to excel in spiritual awakening to the extreme.. and

continue to help others.. there is a burn out.. a total burn out..

Please understand this my dear!!

This can be so destructive.. and become a bad situation fast.. caution

is of the es scents..

It truly is for you to stop.. and not help anyone... You must heal

from all negative energies that you have drained yourself with.. You

are at a crossroad my friend..

This is serious.. Prayer, meditation, with your creator.. Be still my

dear one..

You must stop and take care of you or you will crash and burn.. truly..

But first.. You MUST know that I understand where you are at.. many of

us have been there.. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.. AND YOU ARE LOVED!!

If you want to chat with me write me a personal email and we can talk..

I love you.. I feel you.. I am with you..

Love

~Karma

-- In , " tearsforpeace "

<tearsforpeace@...> wrote:

>

>

> Where to begin? I'm not sure. How it will end? I'm not sure.

> Are there others who feel the same way I do out there? I'm not

> sure.

>

>

> Do I need healing? Absolutely! About two years ago… I thought my

> healing work was done and I was good to go… guess I was wrong! I was

> told I have an energy block… but I just don't know what it is.

> Maybe it's mid-life crisis. Maybe I'm just having a bad day.

> However, my bad days are more frequent lately and I'm getting tired

> of asking " God " and my guides for help… and not seeming to get any

> response. (or at least not the responses I'm hoping for… actually it

> feels like I'm being ignored.) I've specifically asked for a true

> spiritual experience so that I can KNOW… not " assume " (based on the

> experiences of others) that it's all real…. this spiritual reality

> that we conjure up in our minds. I've begun to question

> EVERYTHING. I don't understand the purpose of all of this now more

> than ever.

>

>

> What I do know… is that I can't take it anymore. If something

> doesn't change… if something " positive " doesn't happen in my life

> soon… I'm going to crack and give up. I will take myself out of the

> game.

>

>

> You know… sometimes I feel so fake… like such a fraud. I try so

> hard to inspire and encourage others to happiness… when inside I feel

> so very sad and lonely. I tell others to " believe " … when I'm not

> sure just WHAT to believe in anymore myself! (I'm actually already

> a member of HH… I just rejoined under a different name so this post

> can remain anonymous. I would be so embarrassed if you knew who I

> really was!) My brain hurts from listening to everyone else's

> assumptions and chatter of what life is about… what God and Spirit

> is. Why we are here, where we are headed, what we are here to learn

> and where we are going… everyone has a something to say about these

> questions and more! Me? I don't know and can't really answer that

> honestly… so I won't even try!

>

>

> I speak of things and talk of things… what my assumptions are

> regarding the true nature of spirituality… but in reality I'm really

> not 100% positively sure. Why do we say we KNOW… when really we

> don't.

>

>

>

> It's like there are too many people wanting and talking about too

> many things all at once. Life / time is going too fast and it's too

> confusing. There are too many signs, advertisements, commercials,

> emails, texts, phone calls, conversations, groups, businesses, news

> reports…. people… all grasping for the attention (energy) of others,

> you and me. I think of the enormity of it all… and again, my brain

> hurts. I put my hands over my ears sometimes and just beg for

> silence. I put my hands over my eyes and beg not to see anymore.

> It's too overwhelming. I don't have to put my hands over my mouth…

> because I usually don't speak my mind much. I'm more a listener….

> not a talker. (although you wouldn't know it from this message!) I

> AM a thinker though. But I don't usually share my thoughts… out of

> fear of judgment and ridicule. I simply just go with the flow.

> I've battled with personal and social depression all my life. I'm

> like a sponge when it comes to the sadness in the world. So I try

> not to watch news anymore… it just upsets me and sinks me deeper.

> War, death, famine, oil, poverty, gas prices, greed, politics,

> corruption, abuse and mother nature fighting back… people rising

> against people for what they feel is right… and what other's feel is

> wrong. Over population… or over spending on death and destruction…

> greed and manipulation… are we all MAD?

>

>

> I was a Christian for 25 years and then my awakening came. I left

> religion… with a touch of anger and betrayal. But who is to blame

> really? No one. I've read all the spiritual and self help books…

> and I know what they say. Dr. Wayne Dyer, Ruiz, Shakti

> Gawain, Sanaya Roman, Stuart Wilde, Neal Walsh, Deepak Chopra,

> Bruce Moen, Doreen Virtue, Choquette, , Sankara

> Saraman, LaUna Huffines, Paramahansa Yogananda, and A Course in

> Miracles. I've read them all. I'm getting to the point where I'm

> tired of trying to read myself to my own salvation.

>

>

> I've already done it all. I've tried it all. I've been inspired and

> changed for a bit…. but life always has a way of bringing you back to

> square one after the newness of it all wears off a bit. I feel

> like there is a battle going on somewhere that I can't see… for my

> attention and faith. The duality that lives within me is sometimes

> too much to bear. On one side I'm loving, caring and hopeful. On

> the other I'm down, depressed and hopeless. On one side I'm a

> mother, daughter and wife. On the other side I'm a woman with

> regrets, different dreams and desires than motherhood and marriage.

> How does one balance the duality within? Actually, I've probably

> read it already… but how do I apply it?

>

>

> I desire to meditate more and focus more on peace… but my life is

> too busy, the bills to big, and the days too short for me to keep

> up. Something always gets in the way.

>

>

> I feel like I'm sugar coating my life with positive quotes, messages

> and stories… that really do nothing for me… except inspire me just a

> little. I want something to HAPPEN in my life. Something

> extraordinary and earth-shattering that will change me at the core of

> my being. Something so profound that I can't ignore it.

> Something that will help me accept and love myself for who and what I

> am regardless of where I've been or where I'm going. Something that

> will help me find my gift(s)… whatever it may be. (Did God forget to

> give me one? As I can't do much of anything. I have no special

> talents!) Something that will allow me to find inner confidence and

> high self-esteem… something that will make me shine for once in my

> life. I watch others shine and wish I could do the same.

>

>

> Because of my childhood… the way I was raised… I've always been more

> on the negative side of life. That is what I was taught. I won't

> bore you with the grisly details… but I didn't have a happy childhood

> at all… and that has carried over to my adulthood. (Forgiveness is

> not an issue as I have already forgiven those who hurt me in my past…

> I know that they " knew not what they do " . I knew it was a chain of

> abuse that needed to be broken and I did so.) I dream of the way I

> would like to be… and the way I would like my life to be… but I

> never even come close to creating it. I just don't know how to put

> it into action. It all feels so foreign to me. It's like I'm

> always reaching… and the harder I reach… the further it pulls away.

>

>

> I work too much and always have. I work 3 jobs part-time. I have a

> regular job ( paycheck), which I don't like much (actually it's a

> job I did 15 years ago… and now I'm back at square one again! So in

> my eyes… I've accomplished nothing career wise in my life)… as I try

> to build my next dream business on the side. And another independent

> rep side job that I do on the side to earn a little extra money on

> the side… which actually seems to just take money from me. When all

> I really want to do is to work my dream full-time and let go of the

> jobs I don't like. However, financially I can't. As each day

> ticks by… years now…. I feel the dream slipping away again. Another

> failure?

>

>

> I like to call my work (my project / website / dream business) my own

> form of therapy…. because through it I'm trying to inspire myself and

> make myself feel better too. But it's not working. Actually

> nothing seems to work anymore. I already know and fully understand

> what everyone says… " that I must change my thoughts " ! But how does

> one do that when you are bombarded with negative thoughts, images and

> experiences all day… every day? I try… and it works for a day or

> two. Then something bad will happen… I imagine it as the universe

> slamming me with a baseball bat to the head that sets me 20 steps

> farther behind than where I was before. And this happens over and

> over and over and over again. Two steps forward.. 10 steps back.

> Every time I take a few steps forward… I get excited and

> think, " Wonderful! Things are beginning to look up! " …. then BAM!

> Here's another hit to set you back again to square ONE… except it's

> now beginning to feel like negative square -1,000. At the same

> time, I watch the success of others, which just brings my failures to

> light even more. I'm getting so far into this black hole now… I

> think I just may disappear or explode all together.

>

>

> What makes me feel worse is the fact that now I can see how I'm a

> black hole to everything I touch. Especially a financial black

> hole! I've been in three long term relationships… married twice

> (the first time at 16) and have all my relationships in debt … trying

> to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. I carry that

> guilt around with me every day. What I'm supposed to BE. I create

> business on top of business… to try to make my mark in the world… to

> BECOME something / someone. But I just keep failing. I'm tired of

> failing… I don't want to fail anymore. I would like to know what

> success feels like. I want to pay all my debts back and gain the

> feeling of giving instead of taking all the time. My kids are 22

> (depressed all the time), 19 (high all the time) and 8 (depressed all

> the time). (Obviously depression runs in my family… but WHY?????

> Where is it coming from???) I driving my husband nuts because I'm

> sad and crying all the time.

>

>

> I was " told " by a couple of psychic people that I'm " supposed to be a

> healer " . It was sprung on me out of the blue a few years ago. What

> am I supposed to do with that info… except take a couple of classes

> and read a couple of books on how to be one? I don't FEEL like a

> healer… maybe an extremely wounded healer. If I was supposed to be

> a healer or a channel, as I was also told (… ya right!) wouldn't God

> have just made me that way at birth? Wouldn't I KNOW I am one? I

> lack the confidence and self-esteem that's needed for that anyway…

> and I don't know how to gain it or remedy it. And how do you just

> say the next day, `Hey… I'm a healer! " . Channel? How do you

> decipher you thoughts from channeled thoughts? I wouldn't DARE try

> to channel to help someone… I'm a mess! So again, I fail.

>

>

> Most days I feel invisible. My family is not close (which I don't

> know how to fix)…. I don't have very many friends at all… and I

> usually feel quite alone in this world. I just can't seem to really

> CONNECT with others on any level what-so-ever. I live in a New

> England state that's full of religion… but lacking in spirituality!

> There's no one to talk to here… and if there is… I can't find them!

> And even if I could find them… I don't have TIME. So I carry on

> alone in my interests / beliefs. I feel so disconnected from others

> it's not funny. (I was brought up an only child… although I do have

> siblings – but I never lived with them. I was abandoned by my

> father and given up for adoption.) I watch people laugh, have fun

> and be what seems to be happy…. And wonder why I can't be that way

> too? Why is my life so riddled with sorrow and unhappiness? Why

> can't I at least FAKE it? Why did God make me so different? Why

> was I born to this family? What's wrong with me? Why can't I enjoy

> life or have fun? What happened along the way?

>

>

> I wish I would fall down, bang my head and wake up somebody else!

> As far back as I can remember… I've felt that I don't belong here.

> I'm on the wrong planet… I'm in the wrong place. It's a world that's

> just to harsh for me…. Or I'm too kind-hearted for it. I'm too

> sensitive, quiet, and caring in a world that's noisy, careless and

> just doesn't give a shit. " Get over it " … is all I hear. Chaos is

> all I see. I'm tired of it. Yet I feel I've been put here just

> to observe it all. Observe… and try not to judge any of it… and

> let it just BE. Like I was given a life… that I can't freely live…

> just watch.

>

>

> The duality in life is something that I can see all too clearly.

> Each day I'm shown a new level of duality that reaches far beyond

> this Earth plane… and I think to myself, " It will never end. "

> Belief is the biggest game of duality… positive and negative. What

> to believe in? Everyone has an answer to offer… but what's true for

> me? I can't believe in something if I haven't EXPERIENCED it.

> Faith was blown out of the water when I woke up and realized religion

> is a sham. I was told over and over to just have faith and believe…

> yet was slapped in the face with the reality that religion is false

> too. So now I demand to see, hear and feel before I believe

> anything. Trust was lost.

>

>

> Part of me feels like this is just a pity party… yet at the same

> time… it's a cry for help. The thoughts that enter my mind are

> scary. I wonder if it's me… or do I have help? Is there a

> negative black cloud above my head that follows me? Just how will

> I do it? Pills, razor, rope, exhaust fumes, falling from something

> very high or a combination? I wonder what I will write to my

> children and my husband before I go. What will I say besides " I'm

> sorry " ? I just feel that they would be so better off without me.

> I feel more like a heavy burden to myself and them anyway. Maybe

> if I were not here… that cloud of doom and gloom that constantly

> follows me would be removed from their lives and they can get on with

> a happier life.

>

>

> These are the thoughts that run through my head on a bad depression

> day. I know I should be on meds… but don't really want to take

> meds… as I've tried them twice before. In the meantime, I eat

> badly and pray for a heart attack. I figure heart problems run in my

> family…. I'll just follow in the footsteps laid before me.

>

>

> What is wrong with me? I know what I should do… but can't seem to

> bring it about. I feel trapped… waiting to be released. I feel

> stuck, like I've experienced all that I was supposed to, that I'm not

> allowed to be successful or happy… that brick wall is there that

> won't let me proceed beyond it. Where's the dynamite that I need to

> blow the wall away?

>

>

> Then again, maybe I'm just being lazy and don't want to " work " for

> that release? But isn't that what I've been doing and had done?

> I'm tired of trying so hard. Part of me feels that it all lies in

> my ability to reconnect with meditation… yet I don't feel worthy to

> meditate anymore. I'm too filled with sorrow, anger, regrets and

> general unhappiness. I'm angry at myself for having to start all

> over again and again and again… just like everything else in my

> life. The same lessons over and over and over. Why can't I just

> get it?

>

>

> CHANGE… is not easy to incorporate.

>

>

> So why post all this inner turmoil on Humanity Healing? Because I

> want to know if God's love is REAL. I want to know if it's ALL

> real! Or just tricks of the mind. In 39 years I don't think

> anyone has ever prayed for me. I've never asked anyone to pray for

> me. I want to know if this positive energy that we all speak of is a

> powerful as we claim it to be. I need to heal the root cause of all

> of this… but I don't know how. I want to experience the feeling of

> a miracle in my life… and I'm sure there are many others out there

> who desire the same. So is there anyone out there who can pray for

> me? Could you? Pray that this negative block in my life be

> removed. That I can become a shining light for others, share and

> give back in confidence and joy… instead of always being the one

> who's silently in need… holding it all inside. I want to see for

> myself if I feel any difference or have an " experience " of some kind

> that I can call God's loving energy being shown and present in my

> life.

>

>

> I wish I knew how I let things get this bad inside. Like I said, I

> KNOW what I'm supposed to be thinking and dwelling on… yet just the

> opposite invades my mind. Control the mind? Can it be

> controlled? Mine seems to have a life of its own! As I sit back

> and witness it! Where do I find the steering wheel inside of me?

> Where's the gas pedal for positive flow and the brakes for negative

> invasion? I just don't get it.

>

>

> My mother always said I was stupid.

>

>

> And I'm so sorry I'm not stronger.

>

>

> ~Anonymous

>

>

> PS... I'll be sure to get in touch with a doctor!

>

[Guest guest]

Namaste my dear!! Well said..

Love

~Karma

>

> I feel your pain, I really do. And I would like to offer you some

> help.

>

> Spirituality to me (in my experience) is NOT about putting pink paint

> on all our " problems " its about radical INNER transformation.

> Changing every thought that is not of God, changing your perceptions

> on EVERYTHING!!!

>

> Can you agree with me, that maybe your perception of the " world "

> and " spirituality " and " your life " may be a little warped? I was just

> like you!!! I was sure I did not belong here, sure I'd been lied to,

> sure religion IS crap!!!

>

> So what can I change- NOT the WORLD- it will never change. I start

> with me!!! I always say " wake up in the morning and put your

> hoolahoop on " anything inside of it is your responsibility everything

> outside is NONE of your business. " You may think this is

> contradicotry but in fact when I change my perceptions- I don't feel

> the pain and sadness of the entire planet anymore, I don't rush after

> desire after desire. I don't feel like a failure because I am not no

> matter how it looks as if I failed!!!

>

> I had a book tossing day about a year ago where I was absolutely sure

> none of them did any good. I said there must be a better way!!

>

> Then after my 5 days of crying wore off, I realized. I read all those

> books that showed me step by step how to live, but it never worked

> because i didn't do what they told me to do. I wasn't being loving,

> being peaceful, being forgiving. So I went back to that book that

> made the most difference and guess what it was- I suggest it to you,

> not that you need another book to read, but you need a book that you

> CAN DO- and it's all about your thinking and your perceptions.

>

> " Seek not to change the world, change your mind about the world. "

>

> Read it, trust me, you want an experience, trust me you will get what

> you ask for....

>

> " Dissapearance of the Universe " , by R. Renard

>

> and guess what not only will the eternity of duality disappear but so

> will your perceptions and your thinking and what will shine through

> will be God itself....

>

> PLEASE TAKE THIS SUGGESTION IF NO OTHERS!!!

>

> Love,

>

> www.myspace.com/cleangrrl777

>

[Guest guest]

My blessed beloved you have just discribed and transcribe my life

story as it was I have shared my journey with my friends on myspace

of the transforming of the illusion that was my life to the now

unfolding of life that I could not have imagined, one of the most

perfect peace. If you would like to just talk to someone who knows,

love and does not judge here is my cell# 803-665-5458 also you can

request me as a friend if you have a myspace at

ericalevell@..., in the mean time take a look on some of my

thoughts of my fathomless journey.

A personal journey to realize unconditional love

I realize that each one's journey to wards oneness is an alone and

uniquely personal trip but our destination is one and the same, so I

hope with me sharing some of my experiences with you I can become

that tiny ray of light that accompany you on your journey to

remembrance and to the ultimate reality of unconditional love.

Namaste.

When I started on this journey I cannot truly say

it was to find God because I at that time had become totally

disillusion with every aspect of my entire life including the belief

of the existence of a God. I had by then reached the bottomless pit

of despair but some how still had a sense of rational reasoning I

figure I can remain where I was and continue to suffer or get out and

seek to find something else, I just was not willing to accept that

this was all there is to my life, because if this was it I could not

see the reason to having existed at all and thus begins my journey to

find a reality other than what I had, and I must say that I have

found a perfect one. On this new journey first let me make one thing

clear it is not my intention to imply that I got to this level of

awareness and insightfulness just like that within the blink of an

eye, that would not be the truth, the truth is I was in a literal

fight for my life and the struggle was constant and hellish, but my

relentless pursuit of this other reality was not loss to the source

from which all things come because help did come to me by the way of

a couple of unlikely medium one was public television. I was channel

surfing and happen to come upon a program of a talk being given by

Dr. Wayne Dyer on the power of intention, during this talk he had

repeated a quote by Castaneda (when you look at things

differently the things you look at change) and for some reason I knew

with out a doubt that this is what I had to do, so I literally began

to practice this very simple idea and watched with awe as my whole

existence began to take on a new reality, one that I never knew

existed. My self as I had known it seems to literally vanish and for

some reason I felt as if I had died or if I had not, then I must have

gone too close to the edge and fell slap into the lap of insanity how

else could I explain to myself and to every one else where a

Levell had gone and why or who is this new person impersonating her

and why is she now seeing beauty in every thing. The other medium was

in the form of a spirit guide who turned up six months later and have

been with me ever since to this moment. I am still grappling with

such an unfathomable reality and the fact that I haven't driven him

off already, my guess is he certainly knows how to love

unconditionally. Here is what I had to learn to do in order to

experience a new reality from what I was experiencing before and

indicated to you its arduous ness.

The lesson begins, there is a phrase which has been coined by some

wise soul " ignorance is bliss " I had some how come up with this

notion that this quest was going to be more or less a walk in the

park was I in for a rude awakening or what. Lesson (1) Loving every

one with out looking to be loved back in return, um ' you have got to

be kidding me " I soon found out he was not and this was not sitting

well with me, yet some how I knew it was the truth, love cannot have

conditions to it, love in of it self cannot be altered love is just

is, pure and simple, can you imagine my plight of hearing of this

simple uncomplicated phenomena we call love at the grand old age of

48 after all this time doing it the way most of us was taught, loving

with conditions which was not love at all (boy did I not have my work

cut out for me) Thank goodness I was not alone on this journey my

helpers start showing up one by one, to be honest with you it was not

the help that I had imagine or would have chosen for my self but help

is help in what ever form, you either take it or leave it, so I did,

although I have to tell you that you are not going to understand how

on earth can this be help even if your life depended on it personally

I couldn't.

Who will show up, do you know those people that just rubs you the

wrong way, for me it was the loud ones with out a drop of sense,

whiney little ones, needy big ones and so on yes the ones that you

probably spent countless hours like I did contemplating and plotting

their demise and eradication guess who just showed up for you to love

unconditionally?, well you guessed right. It is at this stage that I

begin to think that I have made a terrible, terrible mistake because

there is no way in hell I am going to be able to do this, but then

again, what were the alternatives and for me it was hopelessness and

despair and those were no longer going to be what I chose I now had

more options and if it is unconditional love it takes then that is

what I was going to do even if it kills me. It was at this juncture

that I decided that at all cost I am going to attain unto this

reality of loving with out condition. I have since made this my sole

intention to love everyone beyond their physical reality to love them

just because. It is not so much of a struggle for me any more, once

in while I will make a wrong turn but always I become acutely aware

of this and I will quickly return to the sacred pathway that I have

chosen that of unconditional love. I now stand at the threshold of

this reality seeing and experiencing with awe this unfathomable

reality as it unfolds we call it love and for the first time on this

remarkable journey I know with out a doubt I am experiencing the

reality of the Oneness of all that there is. I now wish from the very

depth of my being that I could give it away, just even for a moment

to any and every one who desire to experience the ultimate peace and

joy of having existed but I also know that I do not embody a greater

capacity than anyone else and each one of us will choose to become

awake and aware at our appointed time.

Love and Light a

>

>

> Where to begin? I'm not sure. How it will end? I'm not sure.

> Are there others who feel the same way I do out there? I'm not

> sure.

>

>

> Do I need healing? Absolutely! About two years ago… I thought

my

> healing work was done and I was good to go… guess I was wrong! I

was

> told I have an energy block… but I just don't know what it is.

> Maybe it's mid-life crisis. Maybe I'm just having a bad day.

> However, my bad days are more frequent lately and I'm getting tired

> of asking " God " and my guides for help… and not seeming to get any

> response. (or at least not the responses I'm hoping for… actually

it

> feels like I'm being ignored.) I've specifically asked for a true

> spiritual experience so that I can KNOW… not " assume " (based on the

> experiences of others) that it's all real…. this spiritual reality

> that we conjure up in our minds. I've begun to question

> EVERYTHING. I don't understand the purpose of all of this now

more

> than ever.

>

>

> What I do know… is that I can't take it anymore. If something

> doesn't change… if something " positive " doesn't happen in my life

> soon… I'm going to crack and give up. I will take myself out of

the

> game.

>

>

> You know… sometimes I feel so fake… like such a fraud. I try so

> hard to inspire and encourage others to happiness… when inside I

feel

> so very sad and lonely. I tell others to " believe " … when I'm not

> sure just WHAT to believe in anymore myself! (I'm actually

already

> a member of HH… I just rejoined under a different name so this post

> can remain anonymous. I would be so embarrassed if you knew who I

> really was!) My brain hurts from listening to everyone else's

> assumptions and chatter of what life is about… what God and Spirit

> is. Why we are here, where we are headed, what we are here to

learn

> and where we are going… everyone has a something to say about these

> questions and more! Me? I don't know and can't really answer

that

> honestly… so I won't even try!

>

>

> I speak of things and talk of things… what my assumptions are

> regarding the true nature of spirituality… but in reality I'm

really

> not 100% positively sure. Why do we say we KNOW… when really we

> don't.

>

>

>

> It's like there are too many people wanting and talking about too

> many things all at once. Life / time is going too fast and it's

too

> confusing. There are too many signs, advertisements, commercials,

> emails, texts, phone calls, conversations, groups, businesses, news

> reports…. people… all grasping for the attention (energy) of

others,

> you and me. I think of the enormity of it all… and again, my

brain

> hurts. I put my hands over my ears sometimes and just beg for

> silence. I put my hands over my eyes and beg not to see anymore.

> It's too overwhelming. I don't have to put my hands over my

mouth…

> because I usually don't speak my mind much. I'm more a listener….

> not a talker. (although you wouldn't know it from this message!)

I

> AM a thinker though. But I don't usually share my thoughts… out

of

> fear of judgment and ridicule. I simply just go with the flow.

> I've battled with personal and social depression all my life. I'm

> like a sponge when it comes to the sadness in the world. So I try

> not to watch news anymore… it just upsets me and sinks me deeper.

> War, death, famine, oil, poverty, gas prices, greed, politics,

> corruption, abuse and mother nature fighting back… people rising

> against people for what they feel is right… and what other's feel

is

> wrong. Over population… or over spending on death and

destruction…

> greed and manipulation… are we all MAD?

>

>

> I was a Christian for 25 years and then my awakening came. I left

> religion… with a touch of anger and betrayal. But who is to blame

> really? No one. I've read all the spiritual and self help

books…

> and I know what they say. Dr. Wayne Dyer, Ruiz, Shakti

> Gawain, Sanaya Roman, Stuart Wilde, Neal Walsh, Deepak

Chopra,

> Bruce Moen, Doreen Virtue, Choquette, , Sankara

> Saraman, LaUna Huffines, Paramahansa Yogananda, and A Course in

> Miracles. I've read them all. I'm getting to the point where I'm

> tired of trying to read myself to my own salvation.

>

>

> I've already done it all. I've tried it all. I've been inspired

and

> changed for a bit…. but life always has a way of bringing you back

to

> square one after the newness of it all wears off a bit. I feel

> like there is a battle going on somewhere that I can't see… for my

> attention and faith. The duality that lives within me is sometimes

> too much to bear. On one side I'm loving, caring and hopeful.

On

> the other I'm down, depressed and hopeless. On one side I'm a

> mother, daughter and wife. On the other side I'm a woman with

> regrets, different dreams and desires than motherhood and

marriage.

> How does one balance the duality within? Actually, I've probably

> read it already… but how do I apply it?

>

>

> I desire to meditate more and focus more on peace… but my life is

> too busy, the bills to big, and the days too short for me to keep

> up. Something always gets in the way.

>

>

> I feel like I'm sugar coating my life with positive quotes,

messages

> and stories… that really do nothing for me… except inspire me just

a

> little. I want something to HAPPEN in my life. Something

> extraordinary and earth-shattering that will change me at the core

of

> my being. Something so profound that I can't ignore it.

> Something that will help me accept and love myself for who and what

I

> am regardless of where I've been or where I'm going. Something

that

> will help me find my gift(s)… whatever it may be. (Did God forget

to

> give me one? As I can't do much of anything. I have no special

> talents!) Something that will allow me to find inner confidence

and

> high self-esteem… something that will make me shine for once in my

> life. I watch others shine and wish I could do the same.

>

>

> Because of my childhood… the way I was raised… I've always been

more

> on the negative side of life. That is what I was taught. I won't

> bore you with the grisly details… but I didn't have a happy

childhood

> at all… and that has carried over to my adulthood. (Forgiveness is

> not an issue as I have already forgiven those who hurt me in my

past…

> I know that they " knew not what they do " . I knew it was a chain of

> abuse that needed to be broken and I did so.) I dream of the way I

> would like to be… and the way I would like my life to be… but I

> never even come close to creating it. I just don't know how to

put

> it into action. It all feels so foreign to me. It's like I'm

> always reaching… and the harder I reach… the further it pulls away.

>

>

> I work too much and always have. I work 3 jobs part-time. I have

a

> regular job ( paycheck), which I don't like much (actually it's a

> job I did 15 years ago… and now I'm back at square one again! So

in

> my eyes… I've accomplished nothing career wise in my life)… as I

try

> to build my next dream business on the side. And another

independent

> rep side job that I do on the side to earn a little extra money on

> the side… which actually seems to just take money from me. When

all

> I really want to do is to work my dream full-time and let go of the

> jobs I don't like. However, financially I can't. As each day

> ticks by… years now…. I feel the dream slipping away again.

Another

> failure?

>

>

> I like to call my work (my project / website / dream business) my

own

> form of therapy…. because through it I'm trying to inspire myself

and

> make myself feel better too. But it's not working. Actually

> nothing seems to work anymore. I already know and fully

understand

> what everyone says… " that I must change my thoughts " ! But how

does

> one do that when you are bombarded with negative thoughts, images

and

> experiences all day… every day? I try… and it works for a day or

> two. Then something bad will happen… I imagine it as the universe

> slamming me with a baseball bat to the head that sets me 20 steps

> farther behind than where I was before. And this happens over and

> over and over and over again. Two steps forward.. 10 steps

back.

> Every time I take a few steps forward… I get excited and

> think, " Wonderful! Things are beginning to look up! " …. then

BAM!

> Here's another hit to set you back again to square ONE… except it's

> now beginning to feel like negative square -1,000. At the same

> time, I watch the success of others, which just brings my failures

to

> light even more. I'm getting so far into this black hole now… I

> think I just may disappear or explode all together.

>

>

> What makes me feel worse is the fact that now I can see how I'm a

> black hole to everything I touch. Especially a financial black

> hole! I've been in three long term relationships… married twice

> (the first time at 16) and have all my relationships in debt …

trying

> to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. I carry that

> guilt around with me every day. What I'm supposed to BE. I

create

> business on top of business… to try to make my mark in the world…

to

> BECOME something / someone. But I just keep failing. I'm tired

of

> failing… I don't want to fail anymore. I would like to know what

> success feels like. I want to pay all my debts back and gain the

> feeling of giving instead of taking all the time. My kids are 22

> (depressed all the time), 19 (high all the time) and 8 (depressed

all

> the time). (Obviously depression runs in my family… but WHY?????

> Where is it coming from???) I driving my husband nuts because

I'm

> sad and crying all the time.

>

>

> I was " told " by a couple of psychic people that I'm " supposed to be

a

> healer " . It was sprung on me out of the blue a few years ago.

What

> am I supposed to do with that info… except take a couple of classes

> and read a couple of books on how to be one? I don't FEEL like a

> healer… maybe an extremely wounded healer. If I was supposed to

be

> a healer or a channel, as I was also told (… ya right!) wouldn't

God

> have just made me that way at birth? Wouldn't I KNOW I am one?

I

> lack the confidence and self-esteem that's needed for that anyway…

> and I don't know how to gain it or remedy it. And how do you just

> say the next day, `Hey… I'm a healer! " . Channel? How do you

> decipher you thoughts from channeled thoughts? I wouldn't DARE try

> to channel to help someone… I'm a mess! So again, I fail.

>

>

> Most days I feel invisible. My family is not close (which I don't

> know how to fix)…. I don't have very many friends at all… and I

> usually feel quite alone in this world. I just can't seem to

really

> CONNECT with others on any level what-so-ever. I live in a New

> England state that's full of religion… but lacking in

spirituality!

> There's no one to talk to here… and if there is… I can't find

them!

> And even if I could find them… I don't have TIME. So I carry on

> alone in my interests / beliefs. I feel so disconnected from

others

> it's not funny. (I was brought up an only child… although I do

have

> siblings – but I never lived with them. I was abandoned by my

> father and given up for adoption.) I watch people laugh, have fun

> and be what seems to be happy…. And wonder why I can't be that way

> too? Why is my life so riddled with sorrow and unhappiness? Why

> can't I at least FAKE it? Why did God make me so different?

Why

> was I born to this family? What's wrong with me? Why can't I

enjoy

> life or have fun? What happened along the way?

>

>

> I wish I would fall down, bang my head and wake up somebody else!

> As far back as I can remember… I've felt that I don't belong here.

> I'm on the wrong planet… I'm in the wrong place. It's a world

that's

> just to harsh for me…. Or I'm too kind-hearted for it. I'm too

> sensitive, quiet, and caring in a world that's noisy, careless and

> just doesn't give a shit. " Get over it " … is all I hear. Chaos

is

> all I see. I'm tired of it. Yet I feel I've been put here just

> to observe it all. Observe… and try not to judge any of it… and

> let it just BE. Like I was given a life… that I can't freely

live…

> just watch.

>

>

> The duality in life is something that I can see all too clearly.

> Each day I'm shown a new level of duality that reaches far beyond

> this Earth plane… and I think to myself, " It will never end. "

> Belief is the biggest game of duality… positive and negative.

What

> to believe in? Everyone has an answer to offer… but what's true

for

> me? I can't believe in something if I haven't EXPERIENCED it.

> Faith was blown out of the water when I woke up and realized

religion

> is a sham. I was told over and over to just have faith and

believe…

> yet was slapped in the face with the reality that religion is false

> too. So now I demand to see, hear and feel before I believe

> anything. Trust was lost.

>

>

> Part of me feels like this is just a pity party… yet at the same

> time… it's a cry for help. The thoughts that enter my mind are

> scary. I wonder if it's me… or do I have help? Is there a

> negative black cloud above my head that follows me? Just how

will

> I do it? Pills, razor, rope, exhaust fumes, falling from

something

> very high or a combination? I wonder what I will write to my

> children and my husband before I go. What will I say besides " I'm

> sorry " ? I just feel that they would be so better off without

me.

> I feel more like a heavy burden to myself and them anyway. Maybe

> if I were not here… that cloud of doom and gloom that constantly

> follows me would be removed from their lives and they can get on

with

> a happier life.

>

>

> These are the thoughts that run through my head on a bad depression

> day. I know I should be on meds… but don't really want to take

> meds… as I've tried them twice before. In the meantime, I eat

> badly and pray for a heart attack. I figure heart problems run in

my

> family…. I'll just follow in the footsteps laid before me.

>

>

> What is wrong with me? I know what I should do… but can't seem to

> bring it about. I feel trapped… waiting to be released. I

feel

> stuck, like I've experienced all that I was supposed to, that I'm

not

> allowed to be successful or happy… that brick wall is there that

> won't let me proceed beyond it. Where's the dynamite that I need

to

> blow the wall away?

>

>

> Then again, maybe I'm just being lazy and don't want to " work " for

> that release? But isn't that what I've been doing and had done?

> I'm tired of trying so hard. Part of me feels that it all lies in

> my ability to reconnect with meditation… yet I don't feel worthy to

> meditate anymore. I'm too filled with sorrow, anger, regrets and

> general unhappiness. I'm angry at myself for having to start all

> over again and again and again… just like everything else in my

> life. The same lessons over and over and over. Why can't I

just

> get it?

>

>

> CHANGE… is not easy to incorporate.

>

>

> So why post all this inner turmoil on Humanity Healing? Because I

> want to know if God's love is REAL. I want to know if it's ALL

> real! Or just tricks of the mind. In 39 years I don't think

> anyone has ever prayed for me. I've never asked anyone to pray

for

> me. I want to know if this positive energy that we all speak of is

a

> powerful as we claim it to be. I need to heal the root cause of

all

> of this… but I don't know how. I want to experience the feeling

of

> a miracle in my life… and I'm sure there are many others out there

> who desire the same. So is there anyone out there who can pray

for

> me? Could you? Pray that this negative block in my life be

> removed. That I can become a shining light for others, share and

> give back in confidence and joy… instead of always being the one

> who's silently in need… holding it all inside. I want to see for

> myself if I feel any difference or have an " experience " of some

kind

> that I can call God's loving energy being shown and present in my

> life.

>

>

> I wish I knew how I let things get this bad inside. Like I said,

I

> KNOW what I'm supposed to be thinking and dwelling on… yet just the

> opposite invades my mind. Control the mind? Can it be

> controlled? Mine seems to have a life of its own! As I sit back

> and witness it! Where do I find the steering wheel inside of

me?

> Where's the gas pedal for positive flow and the brakes for negative

> invasion? I just don't get it.

>

>

> My mother always said I was stupid.

>

>

> And I'm so sorry I'm not stronger.

>

>

> ~Anonymous

>

>

> PS... I'll be sure to get in touch with a doctor!

>