Thoughts of Suicide....

[Guest guest]

Where to begin? I'm not sure. How it will end? I'm not sure.

Are there others who feel the same way I do out there? I'm not

sure.

Do I need healing? Absolutely! About two years ago… I thought my

healing work was done and I was good to go… guess I was wrong! I was

told I have an energy block… but I just don't know what it is.

Maybe it's mid-life crisis. Maybe I'm just having a bad day.

However, my bad days are more frequent lately and I'm getting tired

of asking " God " and my guides for help… and not seeming to get any

response. (or at least not the responses I'm hoping for… actually it

feels like I'm being ignored.) I've specifically asked for a true

spiritual experience so that I can KNOW… not " assume " (based on the

experiences of others) that it's all real…. this spiritual reality

that we conjure up in our minds. I've begun to question

EVERYTHING. I don't understand the purpose of all of this now more

than ever.

What I do know… is that I can't take it anymore. If something

doesn't change… if something " positive " doesn't happen in my life

soon… I'm going to crack and give up. I will take myself out of the

game.

You know… sometimes I feel so fake… like such a fraud. I try so

hard to inspire and encourage others to happiness… when inside I feel

so very sad and lonely. I tell others to " believe " … when I'm not

sure just WHAT to believe in anymore myself! (I'm actually already

a member of HH… I just rejoined under a different name so this post

can remain anonymous. I would be so embarrassed if you knew who I

really was!) My brain hurts from listening to everyone else's

assumptions and chatter of what life is about… what God and Spirit

is. Why we are here, where we are headed, what we are here to learn

and where we are going… everyone has a something to say about these

questions and more! Me? I don't know and can't really answer that

honestly… so I won't even try!

I speak of things and talk of things… what my assumptions are

regarding the true nature of spirituality… but in reality I'm really

not 100% positively sure. Why do we say we KNOW… when really we

don't.

It's like there are too many people wanting and talking about too

many things all at once. Life / time is going too fast and it's too

confusing. There are too many signs, advertisements, commercials,

emails, texts, phone calls, conversations, groups, businesses, news

reports…. people… all grasping for the attention (energy) of others,

you and me. I think of the enormity of it all… and again, my brain

hurts. I put my hands over my ears sometimes and just beg for

silence. I put my hands over my eyes and beg not to see anymore.

It's too overwhelming. I don't have to put my hands over my mouth…

because I usually don't speak my mind much. I'm more a listener….

not a talker. (although you wouldn't know it from this message!) I

AM a thinker though. But I don't usually share my thoughts… out of

fear of judgment and ridicule. I simply just go with the flow.

I've battled with personal and social depression all my life. I'm

like a sponge when it comes to the sadness in the world. So I try

not to watch news anymore… it just upsets me and sinks me deeper.

War, death, famine, oil, poverty, gas prices, greed, politics,

corruption, abuse and mother nature fighting back… people rising

against people for what they feel is right… and what other's feel is

wrong. Over population… or over spending on death and destruction…

greed and manipulation… are we all MAD?

I was a Christian for 25 years and then my awakening came. I left

religion… with a touch of anger and betrayal. But who is to blame

really? No one. I've read all the spiritual and self help books…

and I know what they say. Dr. Wayne Dyer, Ruiz, Shakti

Gawain, Sanaya Roman, Stuart Wilde, Neal Walsh, Deepak Chopra,

Bruce Moen, Doreen Virtue, Choquette, , Sankara

Saraman, LaUna Huffines, Paramahansa Yogananda, and A Course in

Miracles. I've read them all. I'm getting to the point where I'm

tired of trying to read myself to my own salvation.

I've already done it all. I've tried it all. I've been inspired and

changed for a bit…. but life always has a way of bringing you back to

square one after the newness of it all wears off a bit. I feel

like there is a battle going on somewhere that I can't see… for my

attention and faith. The duality that lives within me is sometimes

too much to bear. On one side I'm loving, caring and hopeful. On

the other I'm down, depressed and hopeless. On one side I'm a

mother, daughter and wife. On the other side I'm a woman with

regrets, different dreams and desires than motherhood and marriage.

How does one balance the duality within? Actually, I've probably

read it already… but how do I apply it?

I desire to meditate more and focus more on peace… but my life is

too busy, the bills to big, and the days too short for me to keep

up. Something always gets in the way.

I feel like I'm sugar coating my life with positive quotes, messages

and stories… that really do nothing for me… except inspire me just a

little. I want something to HAPPEN in my life. Something

extraordinary and earth-shattering that will change me at the core of

my being. Something so profound that I can't ignore it.

Something that will help me accept and love myself for who and what I

am regardless of where I've been or where I'm going. Something that

will help me find my gift(s)… whatever it may be. (Did God forget to

give me one? As I can't do much of anything. I have no special

talents!) Something that will allow me to find inner confidence and

high self-esteem… something that will make me shine for once in my

life. I watch others shine and wish I could do the same.

Because of my childhood… the way I was raised… I've always been more

on the negative side of life. That is what I was taught. I won't

bore you with the grisly details… but I didn't have a happy childhood

at all… and that has carried over to my adulthood. (Forgiveness is

not an issue as I have already forgiven those who hurt me in my past…

I know that they " knew not what they do " . I knew it was a chain of

abuse that needed to be broken and I did so.) I dream of the way I

would like to be… and the way I would like my life to be… but I

never even come close to creating it. I just don't know how to put

it into action. It all feels so foreign to me. It's like I'm

always reaching… and the harder I reach… the further it pulls away.

I work too much and always have. I work 3 jobs part-time. I have a

regular job ( paycheck), which I don't like much (actually it's a

job I did 15 years ago… and now I'm back at square one again! So in

my eyes… I've accomplished nothing career wise in my life)… as I try

to build my next dream business on the side. And another independent

rep side job that I do on the side to earn a little extra money on

the side… which actually seems to just take money from me. When all

I really want to do is to work my dream full-time and let go of the

jobs I don't like. However, financially I can't. As each day

ticks by… years now…. I feel the dream slipping away again. Another

failure?

I like to call my work (my project / website / dream business) my own

form of therapy…. because through it I'm trying to inspire myself and

make myself feel better too. But it's not working. Actually

nothing seems to work anymore. I already know and fully understand

what everyone says… " that I must change my thoughts " ! But how does

one do that when you are bombarded with negative thoughts, images and

experiences all day… every day? I try… and it works for a day or

two. Then something bad will happen… I imagine it as the universe

slamming me with a baseball bat to the head that sets me 20 steps

farther behind than where I was before. And this happens over and

over and over and over again. Two steps forward.. 10 steps back.

Every time I take a few steps forward… I get excited and

think, " Wonderful! Things are beginning to look up! " …. then BAM!

Here's another hit to set you back again to square ONE… except it's

now beginning to feel like negative square -1,000. At the same

time, I watch the success of others, which just brings my failures to

light even more. I'm getting so far into this black hole now… I

think I just may disappear or explode all together.

What makes me feel worse is the fact that now I can see how I'm a

black hole to everything I touch. Especially a financial black

hole! I've been in three long term relationships… married twice

(the first time at 16) and have all my relationships in debt … trying

to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. I carry that

guilt around with me every day. What I'm supposed to BE. I create

business on top of business… to try to make my mark in the world… to

BECOME something / someone. But I just keep failing. I'm tired of

failing… I don't want to fail anymore. I would like to know what

success feels like. I want to pay all my debts back and gain the

feeling of giving instead of taking all the time. My kids are 22

(depressed all the time), 19 (high all the time) and 8 (depressed all

the time). (Obviously depression runs in my family… but WHY?????

Where is it coming from???) I driving my husband nuts because I'm

sad and crying all the time.

I was " told " by a couple of psychic people that I'm " supposed to be a

healer " . It was sprung on me out of the blue a few years ago. What

am I supposed to do with that info… except take a couple of classes

and read a couple of books on how to be one? I don't FEEL like a

healer… maybe an extremely wounded healer. If I was supposed to be

a healer or a channel, as I was also told (… ya right!) wouldn't God

have just made me that way at birth? Wouldn't I KNOW I am one? I

lack the confidence and self-esteem that's needed for that anyway…

and I don't know how to gain it or remedy it. And how do you just

say the next day, `Hey… I'm a healer! " . Channel? How do you

decipher you thoughts from channeled thoughts? I wouldn't DARE try

to channel to help someone… I'm a mess! So again, I fail.

Most days I feel invisible. My family is not close (which I don't

know how to fix)…. I don't have very many friends at all… and I

usually feel quite alone in this world. I just can't seem to really

CONNECT with others on any level what-so-ever. I live in a New

England state that's full of religion… but lacking in spirituality!

There's no one to talk to here… and if there is… I can't find them!

And even if I could find them… I don't have TIME. So I carry on

alone in my interests / beliefs. I feel so disconnected from others

it's not funny. (I was brought up an only child… although I do have

siblings – but I never lived with them. I was abandoned by my

father and given up for adoption.) I watch people laugh, have fun

and be what seems to be happy…. And wonder why I can't be that way

too? Why is my life so riddled with sorrow and unhappiness? Why

can't I at least FAKE it? Why did God make me so different? Why

was I born to this family? What's wrong with me? Why can't I enjoy

life or have fun? What happened along the way?

I wish I would fall down, bang my head and wake up somebody else!

As far back as I can remember… I've felt that I don't belong here.

I'm on the wrong planet… I'm in the wrong place. It's a world that's

just to harsh for me…. Or I'm too kind-hearted for it. I'm too

sensitive, quiet, and caring in a world that's noisy, careless and

just doesn't give a shit. " Get over it " … is all I hear. Chaos is

all I see. I'm tired of it. Yet I feel I've been put here just

to observe it all. Observe… and try not to judge any of it… and

let it just BE. Like I was given a life… that I can't freely live…

just watch.

The duality in life is something that I can see all too clearly.

Each day I'm shown a new level of duality that reaches far beyond

this Earth plane… and I think to myself, " It will never end. "

Belief is the biggest game of duality… positive and negative. What

to believe in? Everyone has an answer to offer… but what's true for

me? I can't believe in something if I haven't EXPERIENCED it.

Faith was blown out of the water when I woke up and realized religion

is a sham. I was told over and over to just have faith and believe…

yet was slapped in the face with the reality that religion is false

too. So now I demand to see, hear and feel before I believe

anything. Trust was lost.

Part of me feels like this is just a pity party… yet at the same

time… it's a cry for help. The thoughts that enter my mind are

scary. I wonder if it's me… or do I have help? Is there a

negative black cloud above my head that follows me? Just how will

I do it? Pills, razor, rope, exhaust fumes, falling from something

very high or a combination? I wonder what I will write to my

children and my husband before I go. What will I say besides " I'm

sorry " ? I just feel that they would be so better off without me.

I feel more like a heavy burden to myself and them anyway. Maybe

if I were not here… that cloud of doom and gloom that constantly

follows me would be removed from their lives and they can get on with

a happier life.

These are the thoughts that run through my head on a bad depression

day. I know I should be on meds… but don't really want to take

meds… as I've tried them twice before. In the meantime, I eat

badly and pray for a heart attack. I figure heart problems run in my

family…. I'll just follow in the footsteps laid before me.

What is wrong with me? I know what I should do… but can't seem to

bring it about. I feel trapped… waiting to be released. I feel

stuck, like I've experienced all that I was supposed to, that I'm not

allowed to be successful or happy… that brick wall is there that

won't let me proceed beyond it. Where's the dynamite that I need to

blow the wall away?

Then again, maybe I'm just being lazy and don't want to " work " for

that release? But isn't that what I've been doing and had done?

I'm tired of trying so hard. Part of me feels that it all lies in

my ability to reconnect with meditation… yet I don't feel worthy to

meditate anymore. I'm too filled with sorrow, anger, regrets and

general unhappiness. I'm angry at myself for having to start all

over again and again and again… just like everything else in my

life. The same lessons over and over and over. Why can't I just

get it?

CHANGE… is not easy to incorporate.

So why post all this inner turmoil on Humanity Healing? Because I

want to know if God's love is REAL. I want to know if it's ALL

real! Or just tricks of the mind. In 39 years I don't think

anyone has ever prayed for me. I've never asked anyone to pray for

me. I want to know if this positive energy that we all speak of is a

powerful as we claim it to be. I need to heal the root cause of all

of this… but I don't know how. I want to experience the feeling of

a miracle in my life… and I'm sure there are many others out there

who desire the same. So is there anyone out there who can pray for

me? Could you? Pray that this negative block in my life be

removed. That I can become a shining light for others, share and

give back in confidence and joy… instead of always being the one

who's silently in need… holding it all inside. I want to see for

myself if I feel any difference or have an " experience " of some kind

that I can call God's loving energy being shown and present in my

life.

I wish I knew how I let things get this bad inside. Like I said, I

KNOW what I'm supposed to be thinking and dwelling on… yet just the

opposite invades my mind. Control the mind? Can it be

controlled? Mine seems to have a life of its own! As I sit back

and witness it! Where do I find the steering wheel inside of me?

Where's the gas pedal for positive flow and the brakes for negative

invasion? I just don't get it.

My mother always said I was stupid.

And I'm so sorry I'm not stronger.

~Anonymous

PS... I'll be sure to get in touch with a doctor!