Re: some things are difficult to hear

[Guest guest]

I think that's why there is a tendency for those with bpd to not do well with

therapy. It IS hard and its painful to hear things about ourselves that need

changing, that aren't " normal " or are self-destructive. I think perhaps a lot

of those with bpd are too brittle, or fragile, or have such a non-existent sense

of a core self that hearing such things as " you're not perfect " fragment them.

But us KOs, thank God, have the inner core sense of self, the strength and the

patience to endure the painful therapy process.

Kudos and a high-five to you for having the courage to go through it.

I think of it as similar to having a broken bone treated. It hurts like hell

for the doctor to pull on the limb, and realign the bones so they will knit

together again as straight as possible. Sometimes even pins have to be inserted

when the bone has been shattered into fragments. It hurts. But the painful

treatment is necessary in order for the bones to slowly grow together again.

Like you, I'd silently listen or dully agree with my nada when she'd say

similarly vitriolic, disparaging things about other people, or about me. And

like you I used to believe that other people were as unhappy with me and

disappointed with me as she was, but were perhaps too polite to say so.

I'm in virtually no contact with her now, but when I was, sometimes I'd have a

fantasy of just responding in kind every time nada would say mean things to me:

Nada: " Your hair is ugly / you're getting fat / you aren't successful enough to

suit me / you don't pay enough attention to me / why aren't you dating anyone?

etc. "

Me: " I never noticed before, but you're really starting to resemble a female

version of Boris Karloff in " The Mummy. " Why don't you go get a face-lift or

something? Ew. "

When I was in contact with her, one time in sheer frustration I did use sarcasm

to get my point across, and it actually did work. She stopped jabbing me in

that particular way (about my hair) for a long time after that. But the last

time I saw her, back in June, it was almost amusing that nada apparently felt

this overpowering need to make one more disparaging comment about my hair. In

some ways she is so predictable. She really does have this need to " get me

back " when I've thwarted her or put up a boundary. Amazing.

-Annie

>

> I have been doing lots of work in counseling lately and some sessions are just

so difficult and anxiety producing... My counselor understands bpd better than

anyone I have ever spoken with and I am so lucky that she tells me what I need

to hear but sometimes I think, " ouch " ...

>

> To give a general overview, what I do is take my Nada's voice and thoughts

(which are so crazy) and think that everyone else thinks the same terrible

thoughts about me that she does. Last night I had a counseling appt and we went

through many of my thoughts that she says are " distorted " ... she says that those

of us raised by a bpd mother especially have a distorted reality... therefor, we

have some distorted thoughts. For instance.... I can not eat in front of people

I do not know without experiencing great anxiety. When I was growing up my mom

would always point out overweight people who were eating ice cream..etc and tell

me that they were disgusting slobs and she would say really cruel things like,

" I dont get it, look at that fat slob sitting there feeding her face, if you

look that disgusting you would think you would know what causes it " ...

>

> As an adult woman who is about 25 pounds overweight I have a very low self-

esteem... I find it very difficult to eat out in public....etc.... I told my

therapist that I think people are looking at me wondering why I am eating

because I am too fat to eat... She calls this distorted thinking... she says

that other people are not sitting around watching me and saying those things...

(my mom does that but she is crazy!)

>

> But.... It is difficult to be told that your thinking is distorted but I know

that this is the only way to make progress. This is just my work and I will keep

pluggin along.

> jen

>

[Guest guest]

I do the same thing too. I also have a really hard time accepting compliments.

My husband will say " You're beautiful " and I'll wait to hear the " but... " that

always came when nada gave a " compliment. " I also will deny (e.g. " Whatever " ).

I also apologize profusely for anything because I always had to with nada. It

drives my husband insane ( " You don't have to say sorry for every little

thing! " ).

It's hard to realize how many things in our lives have been affected because

we're KOs.

> > >

> > > I have been doing lots of work in counseling lately and some sessions are

> > just so difficult and anxiety producing... My counselor understands bpd

> > better than anyone I have ever spoken with and I am so lucky that she tells

> > me what I need to hear but sometimes I think, " ouch " ...

> > >

> > > To give a general overview, what I do is take my Nada's voice and

> > thoughts (which are so crazy) and think that everyone else thinks the same

> > terrible thoughts about me that she does. Last night I had a counseling appt

> > and we went through many of my thoughts that she says are " distorted " ... she

> > says that those of us raised by a bpd mother especially have a distorted

> > reality... therefor, we have some distorted thoughts. For instance.... I can

> > not eat in front of people I do not know without experiencing great anxiety.

> > When I was growing up my mom would always point out overweight people who

> > were eating ice cream..etc and tell me that they were disgusting slobs and

> > she would say really cruel things like, " I dont get it, look at that fat

> > slob sitting there feeding her face, if you look that disgusting you would

> > think you would know what causes it " ...

> > >

> > > As an adult woman who is about 25 pounds overweight I have a very low

> > self- esteem... I find it very difficult to eat out in public....etc.... I

> > told my therapist that I think people are looking at me wondering why I am

> > eating because I am too fat to eat... She calls this distorted thinking...

> > she says that other people are not sitting around watching me and saying

> > those things... (my mom does that but she is crazy!)

> > >

> > > But.... It is difficult to be told that your thinking is distorted but I

> > know that this is the only way to make progress. This is just my work and I

> > will keep pluggin along.

> > > jen

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I do the same thing too. I also have a really hard time accepting compliments.

My husband will say " You're beautiful " and I'll wait to hear the " but... " that

always came when nada gave a " compliment. " I also will deny (e.g. " Whatever " ).

I also apologize profusely for anything because I always had to with nada. It

drives my husband insane ( " You don't have to say sorry for every little

thing! " ).

It's hard to realize how many things in our lives have been affected because

we're KOs.

> > >

> > > I have been doing lots of work in counseling lately and some sessions are

> > just so difficult and anxiety producing... My counselor understands bpd

> > better than anyone I have ever spoken with and I am so lucky that she tells

> > me what I need to hear but sometimes I think, " ouch " ...

> > >

> > > To give a general overview, what I do is take my Nada's voice and

> > thoughts (which are so crazy) and think that everyone else thinks the same

> > terrible thoughts about me that she does. Last night I had a counseling appt

> > and we went through many of my thoughts that she says are " distorted " ... she

> > says that those of us raised by a bpd mother especially have a distorted

> > reality... therefor, we have some distorted thoughts. For instance.... I can

> > not eat in front of people I do not know without experiencing great anxiety.

> > When I was growing up my mom would always point out overweight people who

> > were eating ice cream..etc and tell me that they were disgusting slobs and

> > she would say really cruel things like, " I dont get it, look at that fat

> > slob sitting there feeding her face, if you look that disgusting you would

> > think you would know what causes it " ...

> > >

> > > As an adult woman who is about 25 pounds overweight I have a very low

> > self- esteem... I find it very difficult to eat out in public....etc.... I

> > told my therapist that I think people are looking at me wondering why I am

> > eating because I am too fat to eat... She calls this distorted thinking...

> > she says that other people are not sitting around watching me and saying

> > those things... (my mom does that but she is crazy!)

> > >

> > > But.... It is difficult to be told that your thinking is distorted but I

> > know that this is the only way to make progress. This is just my work and I

> > will keep pluggin along.

> > > jen

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I do the same thing too. I also have a really hard time accepting compliments.

My husband will say " You're beautiful " and I'll wait to hear the " but... " that

always came when nada gave a " compliment. " I also will deny (e.g. " Whatever " ).

I also apologize profusely for anything because I always had to with nada. It

drives my husband insane ( " You don't have to say sorry for every little

thing! " ).

It's hard to realize how many things in our lives have been affected because

we're KOs.

> > >

> > > I have been doing lots of work in counseling lately and some sessions are

> > just so difficult and anxiety producing... My counselor understands bpd

> > better than anyone I have ever spoken with and I am so lucky that she tells

> > me what I need to hear but sometimes I think, " ouch " ...

> > >

> > > To give a general overview, what I do is take my Nada's voice and

> > thoughts (which are so crazy) and think that everyone else thinks the same

> > terrible thoughts about me that she does. Last night I had a counseling appt

> > and we went through many of my thoughts that she says are " distorted " ... she

> > says that those of us raised by a bpd mother especially have a distorted

> > reality... therefor, we have some distorted thoughts. For instance.... I can

> > not eat in front of people I do not know without experiencing great anxiety.

> > When I was growing up my mom would always point out overweight people who

> > were eating ice cream..etc and tell me that they were disgusting slobs and

> > she would say really cruel things like, " I dont get it, look at that fat

> > slob sitting there feeding her face, if you look that disgusting you would

> > think you would know what causes it " ...

> > >

> > > As an adult woman who is about 25 pounds overweight I have a very low

> > self- esteem... I find it very difficult to eat out in public....etc.... I

> > told my therapist that I think people are looking at me wondering why I am

> > eating because I am too fat to eat... She calls this distorted thinking...

> > she says that other people are not sitting around watching me and saying

> > those things... (my mom does that but she is crazy!)

> > >

> > > But.... It is difficult to be told that your thinking is distorted but I

> > know that this is the only way to make progress. This is just my work and I

> > will keep pluggin along.

> > > jen

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

since when does therapy have to necessarily be such a painful process?  i think

of it more as an adventure, sometimes a challenge in a journey towards learning

about myself.  ann

>

>

> I think that's why there is a tendency for those with bpd to not do well

> with therapy. It IS hard and its painful to hear things about ourselves that

> need changing, that aren't " normal " or are self-destructive. I think perhaps

> a lot of those with bpd are too brittle, or fragile, or have such a

> non-existent sense of a core self that hearing such things as " you're not

> perfect " fragment them.

>

> But us KOs, thank God, have the inner core sense of self, the strength and

> the patience to endure the painful therapy process.

> Kudos and a high-five to you for having the courage to go through it.

>

> I think of it as similar to having a broken bone treated. It hurts like

> hell for the doctor to pull on the limb, and realign the bones so they will

> knit together again as straight as possible. Sometimes even pins have to be

> inserted when the bone has been shattered into fragments. It hurts. But the

> painful treatment is necessary in order for the bones to slowly grow

> together again.

>

> Like you, I'd silently listen or dully agree with my nada when she'd say

> similarly vitriolic, disparaging things about other people, or about me. And

> like you I used to believe that other people were as unhappy with me and

> disappointed with me as she was, but were perhaps too polite to say so.

>

> I'm in virtually no contact with her now, but when I was, sometimes I'd

> have a fantasy of just responding in kind every time nada would say mean

> things to me:

>

> Nada: " Your hair is ugly / you're getting fat / you aren't successful

> enough to suit me / you don't pay enough attention to me / why aren't you

> dating anyone? etc. "

>

> Me: " I never noticed before, but you're really starting to resemble a

> female version of Boris Karloff in " The Mummy. " Why don't you go get a

> face-lift or something? Ew. "

>

> When I was in contact with her, one time in sheer frustration I did use

> sarcasm to get my point across, and it actually did work. She stopped

> jabbing me in that particular way (about my hair) for a long time after

> that. But the last time I saw her, back in June, it was almost amusing that

> nada apparently felt this overpowering need to make one more disparaging

> comment about my hair. In some ways she is so predictable. She really does

> have this need to " get me back " when I've thwarted her or put up a boundary.

> Amazing.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > I have been doing lots of work in counseling lately and some sessions are

> just so difficult and anxiety producing... My counselor understands bpd

> better than anyone I have ever spoken with and I am so lucky that she tells

> me what I need to hear but sometimes I think, " ouch " ...

> >

> > To give a general overview, what I do is take my Nada's voice and

> thoughts (which are so crazy) and think that everyone else thinks the same

> terrible thoughts about me that she does. Last night I had a counseling appt

> and we went through many of my thoughts that she says are " distorted " ... she

> says that those of us raised by a bpd mother especially have a distorted

> reality... therefor, we have some distorted thoughts. For instance.... I can

> not eat in front of people I do not know without experiencing great anxiety.

> When I was growing up my mom would always point out overweight people who

> were eating ice cream..etc and tell me that they were disgusting slobs and

> she would say really cruel things like, " I dont get it, look at that fat

> slob sitting there feeding her face, if you look that disgusting you would

> think you would know what causes it " ...

> >

> > As an adult woman who is about 25 pounds overweight I have a very low

> self- esteem... I find it very difficult to eat out in public....etc.... I

> told my therapist that I think people are looking at me wondering why I am

> eating because I am too fat to eat... She calls this distorted thinking...

> she says that other people are not sitting around watching me and saying

> those things... (my mom does that but she is crazy!)

> >

> > But.... It is difficult to be told that your thinking is distorted but I

> know that this is the only way to make progress. This is just my work and I

> will keep pluggin along.

> > jen

> >

>

> 

>

[Guest guest]

since when does therapy have to necessarily be such a painful process?  i think

of it more as an adventure, sometimes a challenge in a journey towards learning

about myself.  ann

>

>

> I think that's why there is a tendency for those with bpd to not do well

> with therapy. It IS hard and its painful to hear things about ourselves that

> need changing, that aren't " normal " or are self-destructive. I think perhaps

> a lot of those with bpd are too brittle, or fragile, or have such a

> non-existent sense of a core self that hearing such things as " you're not

> perfect " fragment them.

>

> But us KOs, thank God, have the inner core sense of self, the strength and

> the patience to endure the painful therapy process.

> Kudos and a high-five to you for having the courage to go through it.

>

> I think of it as similar to having a broken bone treated. It hurts like

> hell for the doctor to pull on the limb, and realign the bones so they will

> knit together again as straight as possible. Sometimes even pins have to be

> inserted when the bone has been shattered into fragments. It hurts. But the

> painful treatment is necessary in order for the bones to slowly grow

> together again.

>

> Like you, I'd silently listen or dully agree with my nada when she'd say

> similarly vitriolic, disparaging things about other people, or about me. And

> like you I used to believe that other people were as unhappy with me and

> disappointed with me as she was, but were perhaps too polite to say so.

>

> I'm in virtually no contact with her now, but when I was, sometimes I'd

> have a fantasy of just responding in kind every time nada would say mean

> things to me:

>

> Nada: " Your hair is ugly / you're getting fat / you aren't successful

> enough to suit me / you don't pay enough attention to me / why aren't you

> dating anyone? etc. "

>

> Me: " I never noticed before, but you're really starting to resemble a

> female version of Boris Karloff in " The Mummy. " Why don't you go get a

> face-lift or something? Ew. "

>

> When I was in contact with her, one time in sheer frustration I did use

> sarcasm to get my point across, and it actually did work. She stopped

> jabbing me in that particular way (about my hair) for a long time after

> that. But the last time I saw her, back in June, it was almost amusing that

> nada apparently felt this overpowering need to make one more disparaging

> comment about my hair. In some ways she is so predictable. She really does

> have this need to " get me back " when I've thwarted her or put up a boundary.

> Amazing.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > I have been doing lots of work in counseling lately and some sessions are

> just so difficult and anxiety producing... My counselor understands bpd

> better than anyone I have ever spoken with and I am so lucky that she tells

> me what I need to hear but sometimes I think, " ouch " ...

> >

> > To give a general overview, what I do is take my Nada's voice and

> thoughts (which are so crazy) and think that everyone else thinks the same

> terrible thoughts about me that she does. Last night I had a counseling appt

> and we went through many of my thoughts that she says are " distorted " ... she

> says that those of us raised by a bpd mother especially have a distorted

> reality... therefor, we have some distorted thoughts. For instance.... I can

> not eat in front of people I do not know without experiencing great anxiety.

> When I was growing up my mom would always point out overweight people who

> were eating ice cream..etc and tell me that they were disgusting slobs and

> she would say really cruel things like, " I dont get it, look at that fat

> slob sitting there feeding her face, if you look that disgusting you would

> think you would know what causes it " ...

> >

> > As an adult woman who is about 25 pounds overweight I have a very low

> self- esteem... I find it very difficult to eat out in public....etc.... I

> told my therapist that I think people are looking at me wondering why I am

> eating because I am too fat to eat... She calls this distorted thinking...

> she says that other people are not sitting around watching me and saying

> those things... (my mom does that but she is crazy!)

> >

> > But.... It is difficult to be told that your thinking is distorted but I

> know that this is the only way to make progress. This is just my work and I

> will keep pluggin along.

> > jen

> >

>

> 

>

[Guest guest]

since when does therapy have to necessarily be such a painful process?  i think

of it more as an adventure, sometimes a challenge in a journey towards learning

about myself.  ann

>

>

> I think that's why there is a tendency for those with bpd to not do well

> with therapy. It IS hard and its painful to hear things about ourselves that

> need changing, that aren't " normal " or are self-destructive. I think perhaps

> a lot of those with bpd are too brittle, or fragile, or have such a

> non-existent sense of a core self that hearing such things as " you're not

> perfect " fragment them.

>

> But us KOs, thank God, have the inner core sense of self, the strength and

> the patience to endure the painful therapy process.

> Kudos and a high-five to you for having the courage to go through it.

>

> I think of it as similar to having a broken bone treated. It hurts like

> hell for the doctor to pull on the limb, and realign the bones so they will

> knit together again as straight as possible. Sometimes even pins have to be

> inserted when the bone has been shattered into fragments. It hurts. But the

> painful treatment is necessary in order for the bones to slowly grow

> together again.

>

> Like you, I'd silently listen or dully agree with my nada when she'd say

> similarly vitriolic, disparaging things about other people, or about me. And

> like you I used to believe that other people were as unhappy with me and

> disappointed with me as she was, but were perhaps too polite to say so.

>

> I'm in virtually no contact with her now, but when I was, sometimes I'd

> have a fantasy of just responding in kind every time nada would say mean

> things to me:

>

> Nada: " Your hair is ugly / you're getting fat / you aren't successful

> enough to suit me / you don't pay enough attention to me / why aren't you

> dating anyone? etc. "

>

> Me: " I never noticed before, but you're really starting to resemble a

> female version of Boris Karloff in " The Mummy. " Why don't you go get a

> face-lift or something? Ew. "

>

> When I was in contact with her, one time in sheer frustration I did use

> sarcasm to get my point across, and it actually did work. She stopped

> jabbing me in that particular way (about my hair) for a long time after

> that. But the last time I saw her, back in June, it was almost amusing that

> nada apparently felt this overpowering need to make one more disparaging

> comment about my hair. In some ways she is so predictable. She really does

> have this need to " get me back " when I've thwarted her or put up a boundary.

> Amazing.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > I have been doing lots of work in counseling lately and some sessions are

> just so difficult and anxiety producing... My counselor understands bpd

> better than anyone I have ever spoken with and I am so lucky that she tells

> me what I need to hear but sometimes I think, " ouch " ...

> >

> > To give a general overview, what I do is take my Nada's voice and

> thoughts (which are so crazy) and think that everyone else thinks the same

> terrible thoughts about me that she does. Last night I had a counseling appt

> and we went through many of my thoughts that she says are " distorted " ... she

> says that those of us raised by a bpd mother especially have a distorted

> reality... therefor, we have some distorted thoughts. For instance.... I can

> not eat in front of people I do not know without experiencing great anxiety.

> When I was growing up my mom would always point out overweight people who

> were eating ice cream..etc and tell me that they were disgusting slobs and

> she would say really cruel things like, " I dont get it, look at that fat

> slob sitting there feeding her face, if you look that disgusting you would

> think you would know what causes it " ...

> >

> > As an adult woman who is about 25 pounds overweight I have a very low

> self- esteem... I find it very difficult to eat out in public....etc.... I

> told my therapist that I think people are looking at me wondering why I am

> eating because I am too fat to eat... She calls this distorted thinking...

> she says that other people are not sitting around watching me and saying

> those things... (my mom does that but she is crazy!)

> >

> > But.... It is difficult to be told that your thinking is distorted but I

> know that this is the only way to make progress. This is just my work and I

> will keep pluggin along.

> > jen

> >

>

> 

>

[Guest guest]

oh goodness! I am the same exact way! Can not take a compliment and always

apologizing! Drives my hubby crazy too! My response is always, " whatever " or

" your silly " ...

I guess its time to see ourselves how our hubbys see us!

thanks! jen

> > > >

> > > > I have been doing lots of work in counseling lately and some sessions

are

> > > just so difficult and anxiety producing... My counselor understands bpd

> > > better than anyone I have ever spoken with and I am so lucky that she

tells

> > > me what I need to hear but sometimes I think, " ouch " ...

> > > >

> > > > To give a general overview, what I do is take my Nada's voice and

> > > thoughts (which are so crazy) and think that everyone else thinks the same

> > > terrible thoughts about me that she does. Last night I had a counseling

appt

> > > and we went through many of my thoughts that she says are " distorted " ...

she

> > > says that those of us raised by a bpd mother especially have a distorted

> > > reality... therefor, we have some distorted thoughts. For instance.... I

can

> > > not eat in front of people I do not know without experiencing great

anxiety.

> > > When I was growing up my mom would always point out overweight people who

> > > were eating ice cream..etc and tell me that they were disgusting slobs and

> > > she would say really cruel things like, " I dont get it, look at that fat

> > > slob sitting there feeding her face, if you look that disgusting you would

> > > think you would know what causes it " ...

> > > >

> > > > As an adult woman who is about 25 pounds overweight I have a very low

> > > self- esteem... I find it very difficult to eat out in public....etc.... I

> > > told my therapist that I think people are looking at me wondering why I am

> > > eating because I am too fat to eat... She calls this distorted thinking...

> > > she says that other people are not sitting around watching me and saying

> > > those things... (my mom does that but she is crazy!)

> > > >

> > > > But.... It is difficult to be told that your thinking is distorted but I

> > > know that this is the only way to make progress. This is just my work and

I

> > > will keep pluggin along.

> > > > jen

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I think that's a good " marker " to detect when a person has low or nonexistent

self-esteem: the inability to gracefully accept a genuine, heartfelt compliment.

It took me decades to learn to just simply say, " Why, thank you, that's so kind

of you! " when receiving a compliment instead of becoming painfully embarrassed

and attempting to deflect it. What helped me to stop doing that was

understanding that if someone gave me a real compliment, not accepting it

gracefully was like slapping that person in the face. It was insulting to the

person giving the compliment to turn it aside.

When you're a child and compliments/praises are rarely or never given, or if its

given grudgingly ( " You only did well on that test because I pushed you! " ) or

with a caveat ( " I see you got a B in history. Next time I expect all As " ) or

with some weird passive-aggressive insult as the sub-context ( " You tall, skinny

people make good clothes-horses; I guess you get that from your father's side of

the family. " )

Being raised by a npd/bpd parent conditions us to back away from receiving

compliments because:

(a) we truly feel we didn't do anything so great,

( if we did do something good, its not OK to take credit for it,

© a compliment is always followed by a stab-in-the-heart insult, or (d) its

just a manipulation, its not genuine.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > I have been doing lots of work in counseling lately and some sessions

are

> > > > just so difficult and anxiety producing... My counselor understands bpd

> > > > better than anyone I have ever spoken with and I am so lucky that she

tells

> > > > me what I need to hear but sometimes I think, " ouch " ...

> > > > >

> > > > > To give a general overview, what I do is take my Nada's voice and

> > > > thoughts (which are so crazy) and think that everyone else thinks the

same

> > > > terrible thoughts about me that she does. Last night I had a counseling

appt

> > > > and we went through many of my thoughts that she says are " distorted " ...

she

> > > > says that those of us raised by a bpd mother especially have a distorted

> > > > reality... therefor, we have some distorted thoughts. For instance.... I

can

> > > > not eat in front of people I do not know without experiencing great

anxiety.

> > > > When I was growing up my mom would always point out overweight people

who

> > > > were eating ice cream..etc and tell me that they were disgusting slobs

and

> > > > she would say really cruel things like, " I dont get it, look at that fat

> > > > slob sitting there feeding her face, if you look that disgusting you

would

> > > > think you would know what causes it " ...

> > > > >

> > > > > As an adult woman who is about 25 pounds overweight I have a very low

> > > > self- esteem... I find it very difficult to eat out in public....etc....

I

> > > > told my therapist that I think people are looking at me wondering why I

am

> > > > eating because I am too fat to eat... She calls this distorted

thinking...

> > > > she says that other people are not sitting around watching me and saying

> > > > those things... (my mom does that but she is crazy!)

> > > > >

> > > > > But.... It is difficult to be told that your thinking is distorted but

I

> > > > know that this is the only way to make progress. This is just my work

and I

> > > > will keep pluggin along.

> > > > > jen

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >