Re: Hello and some random thoughts...

[Guest guest]

Hi Lynda,

That's great that your nada's behaviors have settled down and you are getting

some much-deserved peace now, so that you can focus on your family.

I agree with you that its a survival mechanism left over from childhood for us

KOs to slip into denial and minimizing of the abuse we endured from our bpd

parent(s). Actually remembering or telling about the abuse was too dangerous.

Plus, children become " trauma bonded " to an abusive parent, meaning the child

tries harder and harder to show love and loyalty toward the abusive parent in a

desperate effort to elicit some spark of reciprocal love and caring. Again, an

unconscious, automatic survival mechanism.

Maybe it would help you to start writing a " retro diary " or " retro blog " of your

memories from your childhood up to the present. They can just be random

fragments of memories, and don't worry about putting them in order, just jot

them down as they come to you.

Later at leisure you can sort them by time.

I've found that it really helped me to write down what I remembered, even the

fragments. It really made it so very clear that there's a long-term pattern to

my nada's behaviors and that I was aware of it from an early age but became so

trauma-bonded that I " forgot " the abuse and instead of escaping, became totally

enmeshed with my parents for a good chunk of my life.

You can be perfectly open and clear in your private blog. Nobody ever has to

see it, its for your eyes only, and you can be as vivid and detailed in your

memory descriptions as you want.

Then when you start feeling like maybe you are being too sensitive or

you're exaggerating, you can read your private blog and see the pattern of her

negative, toxic, abusive behaviors toward you that occur over and over again,

and it will reorient you in reality.

-Annie

>

> Dear friends,

>

> I've been absent from these pages for a while because I've needed some time

out from all of this. Even though it's been well needed time out, I often find

myself wondering how everyone is doing. I feel so grateful to have found this

site and wanted to thank everyone for their encouragement, support and advice,

particularly during the last " incident " when mother came and pulled out pot

plants and threw them across my yard, denied that she had done it and then

called and messaged my house until 2 in the morning.

>

> I had a few obscure messages after the event and then nothing for a couple of

weeks, so I guess I'm N.C for real. It's quite strange, a few months ago when I

found this site, I wouldn't have dreamed that I would be here. I never imagined

the possibility of not having her in my life.

>

> I feel really strange about it. Mostly it feels good and I am utterly

relieved.

>

> Well mostly...

>

> I also feel really numb and detached, which alarms me somewhat. I am scared of

emotions lurking beneath the surface. I have moments of massive self doubt,

where I wonder if I have done the wrong thing. Am I the selfish, self obsessed

person she says I am etc. etc.

>

> I also have real trouble recalling things that she has said/done over the

years. Does anyone else have that same experience? I think it has been my coping

mechanism (maybe it really is for the best ha, ha!).

> I recently had yet another experience of trying to explain my situation to a

psychologist and I was really vague on the detail and at the end of the session

I felt like I came across as a petty brat who had had a fight with my parent and

couldn't find it in my heart to forgive her.

>

> This vagueness makes it really hard to stay resolute in my thinking at times.

I start to wonder if I have over-reacted. I also think this sometimes when I

read other posts on here, by people who really did have a much harder time than

I ever did and I start to feel like I'm just being a drama queen.

>

> I know this not to be the case really. I have friends and family who

constantly affirm that her behaviour is utterly crazy. Also, she was the one who

said I was divorced after every kind of effort on my part to keep seeing her

after she had her horrible outbursts.

>

> It was like she kept testing me to see how much I would put up with. Like a

test of my love for her. Like she is a seven year old child. Sigh. It's so

draining.

>

> So all of the old confusions and emotions are there, but I'm not really

feeling them as acutely as I did in the past. I don't know if it's utter denial

or perhaps I have moved on in my journey and finally realise that I can't fix

her and that I'm not willing to be treated like it any more.

>

> Whatever the case, I'm just trying to get on with things and enjoy life with

my partner and baby. It feels really good and liberating on the one hand(mainly

because I am facing up to the reality of our relationship and I am not enmeshed

in denial and making excuses for her any more), but on the other it's a constant

effort to stay on top of it cause it's always there at the back of my mind-

questioning, worry, self doubt, sadness and anxiety about the future.

>

> For instance, I find myself getting jumpy when I get a text message and I'm

already starting to panic about the Christmas period looming. That's a serious

trigger for her and to make it even more fought with the prospect of crazy,

she's not talking to any of her five siblings.

>

> Well, I'm not really sure what my aim was with this post. I guess I just

wanted to touch base, say hi and thank you all very, very much:)

> Oh, and of course get some stuff off my chest, most of which I didn't even

know was there

>

> I hope this finds you all in strength and peace.

>

> With warmth,

>

> Lynda

>

> P.S

> Does anyone else's Nada/Fada use their full name to refer to themselves?

> Mine always addressed herself with her full name, including her middle name

when she left messages on the answering machine- like she was saying " so there! "

or was trying to prove that she really did exist!

>

[Guest guest]

I can validate you on this 100%--my coping mechanism with momster over the years

is to 'filter' out the over the edge kooky/crazy stuff as it comes out of her

mouth. It is only when I force myself to listen intently to her that I can later

recall these gems.

My husband pointed it out to me years ago that I would filter out the parts of

her conversations that " did not compute " or were so over the top my brain

rejected what she said.

I remember the big things, or at least most of the big ones. Remember, though,

people diagnosed with PTSD often have gaps in memory during the traumatic

events. Who knows what memories we have suppressed in defense to BPD crappy

parenting.

>

> > I also have real trouble recalling things that she has said/done over the >

years. Does anyone else have that same experience? I think it has been my >

coping mechanism (maybe it really is for the best ha, ha!).

[Guest guest]

I can validate you on this 100%--my coping mechanism with momster over the years

is to 'filter' out the over the edge kooky/crazy stuff as it comes out of her

mouth. It is only when I force myself to listen intently to her that I can later

recall these gems.

My husband pointed it out to me years ago that I would filter out the parts of

her conversations that " did not compute " or were so over the top my brain

rejected what she said.

I remember the big things, or at least most of the big ones. Remember, though,

people diagnosed with PTSD often have gaps in memory during the traumatic

events. Who knows what memories we have suppressed in defense to BPD crappy

parenting.

>

> > I also have real trouble recalling things that she has said/done over the >

years. Does anyone else have that same experience? I think it has been my >

coping mechanism (maybe it really is for the best ha, ha!).

[Guest guest]

I have huge - ginormous - gaps in my memories. Most of what I can

relate as bad BPD behavior on Nada's part starts at about age 25.

It's weird because I had a rich and full childhood, nice things,

medical care, lessons, vacations, a pool, parties --- but I remember

so little.

Before joining this list I believed I had some kind of brain defect

but now realized I must have suppressed memories.

Sent from my blueberry.

> I can validate you on this 100%--my coping mechanism with momster

> over the years is to 'filter' out the over the edge kooky/crazy

> stuff as it comes out of her mouth. It is only when I force myself

> to listen intently to her that I can later recall these gems.

>

> My husband pointed it out to me years ago that I would filter out

> the parts of her conversations that " did not compute " or were so

> over the top my brain rejected what she said.

>

> I remember the big things, or at least most of the big ones.

> Remember, though, people diagnosed with PTSD often have gaps in

> memory during the traumatic events. Who knows what memories we have

> suppressed in defense to BPD crappy parenting.

>

>

> >

> > > I also have real trouble recalling things that she has said/done

> over the > years. Does anyone else have that same experience? I

> think it has been my > coping mechanism (maybe it really is for the

> best ha, ha!).

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have huge - ginormous - gaps in my memories. Most of what I can

relate as bad BPD behavior on Nada's part starts at about age 25.

It's weird because I had a rich and full childhood, nice things,

medical care, lessons, vacations, a pool, parties --- but I remember

so little.

Before joining this list I believed I had some kind of brain defect

but now realized I must have suppressed memories.

Sent from my blueberry.

> I can validate you on this 100%--my coping mechanism with momster

> over the years is to 'filter' out the over the edge kooky/crazy

> stuff as it comes out of her mouth. It is only when I force myself

> to listen intently to her that I can later recall these gems.

>

> My husband pointed it out to me years ago that I would filter out

> the parts of her conversations that " did not compute " or were so

> over the top my brain rejected what she said.

>

> I remember the big things, or at least most of the big ones.

> Remember, though, people diagnosed with PTSD often have gaps in

> memory during the traumatic events. Who knows what memories we have

> suppressed in defense to BPD crappy parenting.

>

>

> >

> > > I also have real trouble recalling things that she has said/done

> over the > years. Does anyone else have that same experience? I

> think it has been my > coping mechanism (maybe it really is for the

> best ha, ha!).

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have huge - ginormous - gaps in my memories. Most of what I can

relate as bad BPD behavior on Nada's part starts at about age 25.

It's weird because I had a rich and full childhood, nice things,

medical care, lessons, vacations, a pool, parties --- but I remember

so little.

Before joining this list I believed I had some kind of brain defect

but now realized I must have suppressed memories.

Sent from my blueberry.

> I can validate you on this 100%--my coping mechanism with momster

> over the years is to 'filter' out the over the edge kooky/crazy

> stuff as it comes out of her mouth. It is only when I force myself

> to listen intently to her that I can later recall these gems.

>

> My husband pointed it out to me years ago that I would filter out

> the parts of her conversations that " did not compute " or were so

> over the top my brain rejected what she said.

>

> I remember the big things, or at least most of the big ones.

> Remember, though, people diagnosed with PTSD often have gaps in

> memory during the traumatic events. Who knows what memories we have

> suppressed in defense to BPD crappy parenting.

>

>

> >

> > > I also have real trouble recalling things that she has said/done

> over the > years. Does anyone else have that same experience? I

> think it has been my > coping mechanism (maybe it really is for the

> best ha, ha!).

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have that same built in amnesia with my mother, it is so hard for me to retain

memory of why it is I shouldn't trust her or confide in her or even talk to her

more than the least little bit. I think as a child she was so jekyll and hyde

and contradictory that i just set my brain on an image of her and disregarded

what my feelings and emotions were telling me about her.

>

> Dear friends,

>

> I've been absent from these pages for a while because I've needed some time

out from all of this. Even though it's been well needed time out, I often find

myself wondering how everyone is doing. I feel so grateful to have found this

site and wanted to thank everyone for their encouragement, support and advice,

particularly during the last " incident " when mother came and pulled out pot

plants and threw them across my yard, denied that she had done it and then

called and messaged my house until 2 in the morning.

>

> I had a few obscure messages after the event and then nothing for a couple of

weeks, so I guess I'm N.C for real. It's quite strange, a few months ago when I

found this site, I wouldn't have dreamed that I would be here. I never imagined

the possibility of not having her in my life.

>

> I feel really strange about it. Mostly it feels good and I am utterly

relieved.

>

> Well mostly...

>

> I also feel really numb and detached, which alarms me somewhat. I am scared of

emotions lurking beneath the surface. I have moments of massive self doubt,

where I wonder if I have done the wrong thing. Am I the selfish, self obsessed

person she says I am etc. etc.

>

> I also have real trouble recalling things that she has said/done over the

years. Does anyone else have that same experience? I think it has been my coping

mechanism (maybe it really is for the best ha, ha!).

> I recently had yet another experience of trying to explain my situation to a

psychologist and I was really vague on the detail and at the end of the session

I felt like I came across as a petty brat who had had a fight with my parent and

couldn't find it in my heart to forgive her.

>

> This vagueness makes it really hard to stay resolute in my thinking at times.

I start to wonder if I have over-reacted. I also think this sometimes when I

read other posts on here, by people who really did have a much harder time than

I ever did and I start to feel like I'm just being a drama queen.

>

> I know this not to be the case really. I have friends and family who

constantly affirm that her behaviour is utterly crazy. Also, she was the one who

said I was divorced after every kind of effort on my part to keep seeing her

after she had her horrible outbursts.

>

> It was like she kept testing me to see how much I would put up with. Like a

test of my love for her. Like she is a seven year old child. Sigh. It's so

draining.

>

> So all of the old confusions and emotions are there, but I'm not really

feeling them as acutely as I did in the past. I don't know if it's utter denial

or perhaps I have moved on in my journey and finally realise that I can't fix

her and that I'm not willing to be treated like it any more.

>

> Whatever the case, I'm just trying to get on with things and enjoy life with

my partner and baby. It feels really good and liberating on the one hand(mainly

because I am facing up to the reality of our relationship and I am not enmeshed

in denial and making excuses for her any more), but on the other it's a constant

effort to stay on top of it cause it's always there at the back of my mind-

questioning, worry, self doubt, sadness and anxiety about the future.

>

> For instance, I find myself getting jumpy when I get a text message and I'm

already starting to panic about the Christmas period looming. That's a serious

trigger for her and to make it even more fought with the prospect of crazy,

she's not talking to any of her five siblings.

>

> Well, I'm not really sure what my aim was with this post. I guess I just

wanted to touch base, say hi and thank you all very, very much:)

> Oh, and of course get some stuff off my chest, most of which I didn't even

know was there

>

> I hope this finds you all in strength and peace.

>

> With warmth,

>

> Lynda

>

> P.S

> Does anyone else's Nada/Fada use their full name to refer to themselves?

> Mine always addressed herself with her full name, including her middle name

when she left messages on the answering machine- like she was saying " so there! "

or was trying to prove that she really did exist!

>

[Guest guest]

I have that same built in amnesia with my mother, it is so hard for me to retain

memory of why it is I shouldn't trust her or confide in her or even talk to her

more than the least little bit. I think as a child she was so jekyll and hyde

and contradictory that i just set my brain on an image of her and disregarded

what my feelings and emotions were telling me about her.

>

> Dear friends,

>

> I've been absent from these pages for a while because I've needed some time

out from all of this. Even though it's been well needed time out, I often find

myself wondering how everyone is doing. I feel so grateful to have found this

site and wanted to thank everyone for their encouragement, support and advice,

particularly during the last " incident " when mother came and pulled out pot

plants and threw them across my yard, denied that she had done it and then

called and messaged my house until 2 in the morning.

>

> I had a few obscure messages after the event and then nothing for a couple of

weeks, so I guess I'm N.C for real. It's quite strange, a few months ago when I

found this site, I wouldn't have dreamed that I would be here. I never imagined

the possibility of not having her in my life.

>

> I feel really strange about it. Mostly it feels good and I am utterly

relieved.

>

> Well mostly...

>

> I also feel really numb and detached, which alarms me somewhat. I am scared of

emotions lurking beneath the surface. I have moments of massive self doubt,

where I wonder if I have done the wrong thing. Am I the selfish, self obsessed

person she says I am etc. etc.

>

> I also have real trouble recalling things that she has said/done over the

years. Does anyone else have that same experience? I think it has been my coping

mechanism (maybe it really is for the best ha, ha!).

> I recently had yet another experience of trying to explain my situation to a

psychologist and I was really vague on the detail and at the end of the session

I felt like I came across as a petty brat who had had a fight with my parent and

couldn't find it in my heart to forgive her.

>

> This vagueness makes it really hard to stay resolute in my thinking at times.

I start to wonder if I have over-reacted. I also think this sometimes when I

read other posts on here, by people who really did have a much harder time than

I ever did and I start to feel like I'm just being a drama queen.

>

> I know this not to be the case really. I have friends and family who

constantly affirm that her behaviour is utterly crazy. Also, she was the one who

said I was divorced after every kind of effort on my part to keep seeing her

after she had her horrible outbursts.

>

> It was like she kept testing me to see how much I would put up with. Like a

test of my love for her. Like she is a seven year old child. Sigh. It's so

draining.

>

> So all of the old confusions and emotions are there, but I'm not really

feeling them as acutely as I did in the past. I don't know if it's utter denial

or perhaps I have moved on in my journey and finally realise that I can't fix

her and that I'm not willing to be treated like it any more.

>

> Whatever the case, I'm just trying to get on with things and enjoy life with

my partner and baby. It feels really good and liberating on the one hand(mainly

because I am facing up to the reality of our relationship and I am not enmeshed

in denial and making excuses for her any more), but on the other it's a constant

effort to stay on top of it cause it's always there at the back of my mind-

questioning, worry, self doubt, sadness and anxiety about the future.

>

> For instance, I find myself getting jumpy when I get a text message and I'm

already starting to panic about the Christmas period looming. That's a serious

trigger for her and to make it even more fought with the prospect of crazy,

she's not talking to any of her five siblings.

>

> Well, I'm not really sure what my aim was with this post. I guess I just

wanted to touch base, say hi and thank you all very, very much:)

> Oh, and of course get some stuff off my chest, most of which I didn't even

know was there

>

> I hope this finds you all in strength and peace.

>

> With warmth,

>

> Lynda

>

> P.S

> Does anyone else's Nada/Fada use their full name to refer to themselves?

> Mine always addressed herself with her full name, including her middle name

when she left messages on the answering machine- like she was saying " so there! "

or was trying to prove that she really did exist!

>