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Posted
Posted

Wow, i just keep coming back to this note - one thing that jumps out at me

that she refers to you as a man in quotes. To question my manhood would be a

HUGE boundary violation for me. I wouldn't choose to be around someone/read

communication from or speak to someone who treated me that way.

On Wed, Sep 15, 2010 at 2:48 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Hi

>

> Wow. Yes, I too get the impression that your mother has bpd, and possibly

> some narcissistic pd thrown in there too.

>

> I think you have focused in on one of her main issues, which is giving

> " gifts " with the expectation that you are then obligated to her. Those are

> not gifts, you are being purchased.

>

> That's one of the reasons I had to stop accepting any kind of gifts from my

> bpd/npd mother. In her mind that obligated me to be eternally grateful and

> to treat her like a goddess.

>

> I suggest that the sooner you can reach a point that you can gently and

> politely turn down any and all offers of money, a car, a trip, new clothes,

> etc., the sooner you will take that weapon away from her.

>

> Also, in her letter, it seems to me that she is projecting onto you all her

> own feelings and motivations.

>

> As you've probably figured out, you can't change her or her behaviors, all

> you can do is change how you respond to them. You can set boundaries, you

> can enforce consequences. You can decide that you are not responsible for

> her feelings, and that you refuse to accept any misplaced guilt for just

> having a separate, individual, adult life that isn't all about her.

>

> There are some good books out there about setting boundaries, like " Stop

> Walking on Eggshells " and " Boundaries. "

>

> I hope that helps.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

> psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a

> half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline

> Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to

> diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated

> for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as very

> controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with gifts and

> seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the middle,

> expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or agree with

> him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards me or my

> sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on facebook

> or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time to do

> that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She also

> will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the phone

> when it is inconvenient for them.

> >

> > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

> currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer

> used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly

> car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I

> would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for

> a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me

> being a comic reader and fan of U2.

> >

> > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a

> new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the

> last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have

> spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are

> hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would

> be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said

> to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying

> " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it out

> between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an attitude from

> me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and sending

> nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no response from me

> on.

> >

> > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

> forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with

> a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> >

> > Maley

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > " Look

> >

> > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not

> about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about

> your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of

> things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER

> THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are

> stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around

> YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your

> own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you

> are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first

> place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I have

> always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those

> things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you

> didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I

> was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your controlling way, I

> wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something nice -

> with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you and I

> thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the night

> before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would have

> had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> >

> > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me

> SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when

> telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and

> just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was

> all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for

> company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me,

> I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything

> nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> >

> > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we

> had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate

> times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever

> to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR

> whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> >

>

>

>

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Guest guest

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Posted
Posted

Wow, i just keep coming back to this note - one thing that jumps out at me

that she refers to you as a man in quotes. To question my manhood would be a

HUGE boundary violation for me. I wouldn't choose to be around someone/read

communication from or speak to someone who treated me that way.

On Wed, Sep 15, 2010 at 2:48 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Hi

>

> Wow. Yes, I too get the impression that your mother has bpd, and possibly

> some narcissistic pd thrown in there too.

>

> I think you have focused in on one of her main issues, which is giving

> " gifts " with the expectation that you are then obligated to her. Those are

> not gifts, you are being purchased.

>

> That's one of the reasons I had to stop accepting any kind of gifts from my

> bpd/npd mother. In her mind that obligated me to be eternally grateful and

> to treat her like a goddess.

>

> I suggest that the sooner you can reach a point that you can gently and

> politely turn down any and all offers of money, a car, a trip, new clothes,

> etc., the sooner you will take that weapon away from her.

>

> Also, in her letter, it seems to me that she is projecting onto you all her

> own feelings and motivations.

>

> As you've probably figured out, you can't change her or her behaviors, all

> you can do is change how you respond to them. You can set boundaries, you

> can enforce consequences. You can decide that you are not responsible for

> her feelings, and that you refuse to accept any misplaced guilt for just

> having a separate, individual, adult life that isn't all about her.

>

> There are some good books out there about setting boundaries, like " Stop

> Walking on Eggshells " and " Boundaries. "

>

> I hope that helps.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

> psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a

> half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline

> Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to

> diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated

> for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as very

> controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with gifts and

> seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the middle,

> expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or agree with

> him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards me or my

> sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on facebook

> or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time to do

> that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She also

> will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the phone

> when it is inconvenient for them.

> >

> > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

> currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer

> used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly

> car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I

> would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for

> a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me

> being a comic reader and fan of U2.

> >

> > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a

> new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the

> last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have

> spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are

> hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would

> be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said

> to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying

> " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it out

> between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an attitude from

> me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and sending

> nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no response from me

> on.

> >

> > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

> forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with

> a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> >

> > Maley

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > " Look

> >

> > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not

> about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about

> your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of

> things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER

> THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are

> stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around

> YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your

> own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you

> are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first

> place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I have

> always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those

> things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you

> didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I

> was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your controlling way, I

> wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something nice -

> with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you and I

> thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the night

> before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would have

> had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> >

> > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me

> SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when

> telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and

> just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was

> all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for

> company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me,

> I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything

> nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> >

> > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we

> had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate

> times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever

> to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR

> whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> >

>

>

>

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Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Wow, i just keep coming back to this note - one thing that jumps out at me

that she refers to you as a man in quotes. To question my manhood would be a

HUGE boundary violation for me. I wouldn't choose to be around someone/read

communication from or speak to someone who treated me that way.

On Wed, Sep 15, 2010 at 2:48 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Hi

>

> Wow. Yes, I too get the impression that your mother has bpd, and possibly

> some narcissistic pd thrown in there too.

>

> I think you have focused in on one of her main issues, which is giving

> " gifts " with the expectation that you are then obligated to her. Those are

> not gifts, you are being purchased.

>

> That's one of the reasons I had to stop accepting any kind of gifts from my

> bpd/npd mother. In her mind that obligated me to be eternally grateful and

> to treat her like a goddess.

>

> I suggest that the sooner you can reach a point that you can gently and

> politely turn down any and all offers of money, a car, a trip, new clothes,

> etc., the sooner you will take that weapon away from her.

>

> Also, in her letter, it seems to me that she is projecting onto you all her

> own feelings and motivations.

>

> As you've probably figured out, you can't change her or her behaviors, all

> you can do is change how you respond to them. You can set boundaries, you

> can enforce consequences. You can decide that you are not responsible for

> her feelings, and that you refuse to accept any misplaced guilt for just

> having a separate, individual, adult life that isn't all about her.

>

> There are some good books out there about setting boundaries, like " Stop

> Walking on Eggshells " and " Boundaries. "

>

> I hope that helps.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

> psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a

> half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline

> Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to

> diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated

> for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as very

> controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with gifts and

> seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the middle,

> expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or agree with

> him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards me or my

> sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on facebook

> or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time to do

> that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She also

> will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the phone

> when it is inconvenient for them.

> >

> > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

> currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer

> used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly

> car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I

> would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for

> a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me

> being a comic reader and fan of U2.

> >

> > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a

> new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the

> last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have

> spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are

> hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would

> be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said

> to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying

> " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it out

> between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an attitude from

> me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and sending

> nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no response from me

> on.

> >

> > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

> forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with

> a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> >

> > Maley

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > " Look

> >

> > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not

> about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about

> your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of

> things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER

> THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are

> stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around

> YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your

> own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you

> are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first

> place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I have

> always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those

> things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you

> didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I

> was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your controlling way, I

> wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something nice -

> with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you and I

> thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the night

> before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would have

> had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> >

> > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me

> SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when

> telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and

> just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was

> all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for

> company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me,

> I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything

> nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> >

> > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we

> had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate

> times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever

> to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR

> whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> >

>

>

>

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Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hi

I'm 29 with a PhD in Physics. I've only realized my fada had BPD for less

than a handful of years now. I'm pretty LC. I realize that emails like the

one you got really really hurt.

I would post the ones I received from my fada, but I would have to translate

them from another language, and then flavor and nuances would be subject to

my interpretation while a literal translation with sound like gibberish. My

point is, they read just like the email your nada wrote, so you're not

alone.

I'm starting to get to the point where I can finally take my fada's words as

seriously as a growling/barking dog. They scare, but they have no objective

content. All they are meant to do is emotionally manipulate/ induce

fear.... which is exactly what the purpose of your nada's email was.

I would like to demonstrate this by dissecting your nada's email along the

format of

statement: " your nada's comments "

me: " my analysis "

Before I do, I would like to make sure you would be ok with this. I realize

that it might be a little invasive

>

>

>

> Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

> psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a

> half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline

> Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to

> diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated

> for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as very

> controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with gifts and

> seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the middle,

> expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or agree with

> him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards me or my

> sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on facebook

> or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time to do

> that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She also

> will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the phone

> when it is inconvenient for them.

>

> My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

> currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer

> used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly

> car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I

> would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for

> a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me

> being a comic reader and fan of U2.

>

> Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a

> new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the

> last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have

> spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are

> hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would

> be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said

> to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying

> " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it out

> between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an attitude from

> me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and sending

> nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no response from me

> on.

>

> I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

> forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with

> a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

>

> Maley

>

> " Look

>

> The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not

> about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about

> your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of

> things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER

> THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are

> stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around

> YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your

> own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you

> are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first

> place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I have

> always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those

> things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you

> didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I

> was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your controlling way, I

> wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something nice -

> with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you and I

> thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the night

> before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would have

> had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

>

> You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me

> SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when

> telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and

> just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was

> all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for

> company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me,

> I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything

> nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

>

> You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we

> had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate

> times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever

> to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR

> whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

>

>

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hi

I'm 29 with a PhD in Physics. I've only realized my fada had BPD for less

than a handful of years now. I'm pretty LC. I realize that emails like the

one you got really really hurt.

I would post the ones I received from my fada, but I would have to translate

them from another language, and then flavor and nuances would be subject to

my interpretation while a literal translation with sound like gibberish. My

point is, they read just like the email your nada wrote, so you're not

alone.

I'm starting to get to the point where I can finally take my fada's words as

seriously as a growling/barking dog. They scare, but they have no objective

content. All they are meant to do is emotionally manipulate/ induce

fear.... which is exactly what the purpose of your nada's email was.

I would like to demonstrate this by dissecting your nada's email along the

format of

statement: " your nada's comments "

me: " my analysis "

Before I do, I would like to make sure you would be ok with this. I realize

that it might be a little invasive

>

>

>

> Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

> psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a

> half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline

> Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to

> diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated

> for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as very

> controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with gifts and

> seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the middle,

> expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or agree with

> him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards me or my

> sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on facebook

> or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time to do

> that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She also

> will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the phone

> when it is inconvenient for them.

>

> My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

> currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer

> used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly

> car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I

> would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for

> a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me

> being a comic reader and fan of U2.

>

> Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a

> new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the

> last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have

> spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are

> hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would

> be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said

> to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying

> " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it out

> between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an attitude from

> me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and sending

> nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no response from me

> on.

>

> I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

> forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with

> a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

>

> Maley

>

> " Look

>

> The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not

> about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about

> your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of

> things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER

> THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are

> stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around

> YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your

> own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you

> are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first

> place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I have

> always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those

> things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you

> didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I

> was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your controlling way, I

> wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something nice -

> with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you and I

> thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the night

> before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would have

> had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

>

> You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me

> SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when

> telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and

> just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was

> all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for

> company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me,

> I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything

> nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

>

> You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we

> had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate

> times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever

> to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR

> whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

>

>

>

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Posted
Posted

Hi

I'm 29 with a PhD in Physics. I've only realized my fada had BPD for less

than a handful of years now. I'm pretty LC. I realize that emails like the

one you got really really hurt.

I would post the ones I received from my fada, but I would have to translate

them from another language, and then flavor and nuances would be subject to

my interpretation while a literal translation with sound like gibberish. My

point is, they read just like the email your nada wrote, so you're not

alone.

I'm starting to get to the point where I can finally take my fada's words as

seriously as a growling/barking dog. They scare, but they have no objective

content. All they are meant to do is emotionally manipulate/ induce

fear.... which is exactly what the purpose of your nada's email was.

I would like to demonstrate this by dissecting your nada's email along the

format of

statement: " your nada's comments "

me: " my analysis "

Before I do, I would like to make sure you would be ok with this. I realize

that it might be a little invasive

>

>

>

> Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

> psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a

> half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline

> Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to

> diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated

> for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as very

> controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with gifts and

> seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the middle,

> expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or agree with

> him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards me or my

> sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on facebook

> or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time to do

> that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She also

> will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the phone

> when it is inconvenient for them.

>

> My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

> currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer

> used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly

> car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I

> would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for

> a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me

> being a comic reader and fan of U2.

>

> Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a

> new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the

> last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have

> spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are

> hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would

> be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said

> to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying

> " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it out

> between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an attitude from

> me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and sending

> nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no response from me

> on.

>

> I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

> forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with

> a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

>

> Maley

>

> " Look

>

> The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not

> about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about

> your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of

> things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER

> THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are

> stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around

> YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your

> own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you

> are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first

> place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I have

> always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those

> things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you

> didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I

> was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your controlling way, I

> wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something nice -

> with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you and I

> thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the night

> before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would have

> had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

>

> You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me

> SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when

> telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and

> just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was

> all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for

> company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me,

> I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything

> nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

>

> You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we

> had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate

> times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever

> to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR

> whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

>

>

>

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Posted
Posted

Wow I have never heard that idea of calling your parent by their first name for

a boundry. Have you done that? I can't imagine my nada dealing with that.

Casey

>

> Hey Chris!

>

> One thing you need to remember is that if you were really the horrible person

your mother is saying you are, then she'd be cutting off contact with YOU and

not trying to guilt you into giving her free computer support, which is

essentially what she wants from you.

>

> A bit of advice: First off, If I were you, I'd cut off contact with her

completely for awhile. You simply don't deserve to be treated like that by

anyone. Secondly, when you must have contact with her, try calling her by her

first name. It really helps to start setting those psychological boundaries.

" Mom " has so many emotional strings attached to it.

>

> Good luck. Try to get yourself on your feet financially (I know, easier said

than done) and stay the hell away from her as much as you can. You might feel

guilty--we all do--but we really shouldn't.

>

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Posted
Posted

Wow I have never heard that idea of calling your parent by their first name for

a boundry. Have you done that? I can't imagine my nada dealing with that.

Casey

>

> Hey Chris!

>

> One thing you need to remember is that if you were really the horrible person

your mother is saying you are, then she'd be cutting off contact with YOU and

not trying to guilt you into giving her free computer support, which is

essentially what she wants from you.

>

> A bit of advice: First off, If I were you, I'd cut off contact with her

completely for awhile. You simply don't deserve to be treated like that by

anyone. Secondly, when you must have contact with her, try calling her by her

first name. It really helps to start setting those psychological boundaries.

" Mom " has so many emotional strings attached to it.

>

> Good luck. Try to get yourself on your feet financially (I know, easier said

than done) and stay the hell away from her as much as you can. You might feel

guilty--we all do--but we really shouldn't.

>

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Posted
Posted

Me personally, I think its more of a mind-set than a script for each situation

that is the goal. If you're clear in your own mind about what is and isn't OK

(meaning, tolerable) for you, then its easier to not get caught up in the

emotion of the moment, step back away from the drama, center yourself, and just

calmly say " I can hear you're upset, and I'm sorry but that's the best I can do.

I'll talk to you later. " or " The earliest I can come is Saturday after next; if

that's not workable for you, let me know a Saturday that is. Bye for now. "

" That's thoughtful of you, but I'm going to have to pass on taking that trip

with you, I've taken an extra part-time job now " (or whatever).

Once you can take in the fact that you don't *owe* your mother an explanation

about your time, your schedule, your reasons for doing this or that, etc., and

if she gets upset with you, its not your job to make her (a) accept your reasons

or (B) make her feel better. As an adult you have the right to privacy. If

your mother knows exactly what you're doing at any given moment, where you are,

who you're with, then she's way too enmeshed with you as though you are 10 years

old, and you're allowing it.

Temporary time-outs are OK. If she's offering you one, take her up on it. If

she's getting into your business too much, then its OK for you to take a

time-out from her, too.

When she threatens you with the silent treatment or holding your dad and sister

" hostage " so you can't easily talk to them, just calmly say, " I understand;

you're upset now. I'll talk to you later. " When she calls you names, calmly

say, " I'm not going to listen to you when you call me names, I'm hanging up now.

Talk to you later. "

Right now, you're still on some level buying into the concept that its your job

to placate her and reason with her so she won't be angry at you or upset with

you, but until you can " divorce " yourself from that mind-set, you'll keep

experiencing these scenarios because she'll always have the upper hand. She'll

use the weapon of " guilt " to force you into doing her bidding, every time.

Lose the *inappropriate*, *misplaced* guilt, and you're a free man.

-Annie

> > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his

> > > masters in

> > > > > > > psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an

> > > hour and a

> > > > > > > half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with

> > > Borderline

> > > > > > > Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field

> > > trying to

> > > > > > > diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is

> > > treated

> > > > > > > for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as

very

> > > > > > > controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with

> > > gifts and

> > > > > > > seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> > > > > > > everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the

> > > middle,

> > > > > > > expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or

agree

> > > with

> > > > > > > him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot

towards

> > > me or my

> > > > > > > sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me

on

> > > facebook

> > > > > > > or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having

> > > time to do

> > > > > > > that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying

discussing.

> > > She also

> > > > > > > will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on

> > > the phone

> > > > > > > when it is inconvenient for them.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it

> > > was

> > > > > > > currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing

a

> > > newer

> > > > > > > used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of

> > > monthly

> > > > > > > car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my

> > > situation I

> > > > > > > would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought

> > > tickets for

> > > > > > > a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is

> > > Spider-man, me

> > > > > > > being a comic reader and fan of U2.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be

> > > getting a

> > > > > > > new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out

> > > well the

> > > > > > > last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend

> > > and I have

> > > > > > > spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips

> > > that are

> > > > > > > hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that

> > > I would

> > > > > > > be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now

> > > claims I said

> > > > > > > to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me

> > > just saying

> > > > > > > " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it

> > > out

> > > > > > > between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an

> > > attitude from

> > > > > > > me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and

> > > sending

> > > > > > > nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no

response

> > > from me

> > > > > > > on.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I

> > > went on

> > > > > > > forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave

> > > you with

> > > > > > > a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Maley

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > " Look

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's

> > > not

> > > > > > > about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me.

> > > It's about

> > > > > > > your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a

> > > lot of

> > > > > > > things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about

> > > OTHER

> > > > > > > THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ?

> > > You are

> > > > > > > stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world

> > > revolves around

> > > > > > > YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for

> > > even your

> > > > > > > own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let

> > > alone you

> > > > > > > are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in

> > > the first

> > > > > > > place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I

> > > have

> > > > > > > always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since.

> > > Those

> > > > > > > things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE.

And

> > > then you

> > > > > > > didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on

> > > YOU " ??? I

> > > > > > > was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your

> > > controlling way, I

> > > > > > > wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something

> > > nice -

> > > > > > > with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you

and

> > > I

> > > > > > > thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets

> > > the night

> > > > > > > before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I

> > > would have

> > > > > > > had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said

> > > to me

> > > > > > > SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it

write

> > > when

> > > > > > > telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice

> > > for you and

> > > > > > > just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU.

> > > That was

> > > > > > > all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not

> > > prepared for

> > > > > > > company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well.

> > > Believe me,

> > > > > > > I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing

> > > anything

> > > > > > > nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you

were.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us,

> > > whether we

> > > > > > > had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at

> > > desperate

> > > > > > > times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took

you

> > > forever

> > > > > > > to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are

at

> > > YOUR

> > > > > > > whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

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Posted
Posted

Me personally, I think its more of a mind-set than a script for each situation

that is the goal. If you're clear in your own mind about what is and isn't OK

(meaning, tolerable) for you, then its easier to not get caught up in the

emotion of the moment, step back away from the drama, center yourself, and just

calmly say " I can hear you're upset, and I'm sorry but that's the best I can do.

I'll talk to you later. " or " The earliest I can come is Saturday after next; if

that's not workable for you, let me know a Saturday that is. Bye for now. "

" That's thoughtful of you, but I'm going to have to pass on taking that trip

with you, I've taken an extra part-time job now " (or whatever).

Once you can take in the fact that you don't *owe* your mother an explanation

about your time, your schedule, your reasons for doing this or that, etc., and

if she gets upset with you, its not your job to make her (a) accept your reasons

or (B) make her feel better. As an adult you have the right to privacy. If

your mother knows exactly what you're doing at any given moment, where you are,

who you're with, then she's way too enmeshed with you as though you are 10 years

old, and you're allowing it.

Temporary time-outs are OK. If she's offering you one, take her up on it. If

she's getting into your business too much, then its OK for you to take a

time-out from her, too.

When she threatens you with the silent treatment or holding your dad and sister

" hostage " so you can't easily talk to them, just calmly say, " I understand;

you're upset now. I'll talk to you later. " When she calls you names, calmly

say, " I'm not going to listen to you when you call me names, I'm hanging up now.

Talk to you later. "

Right now, you're still on some level buying into the concept that its your job

to placate her and reason with her so she won't be angry at you or upset with

you, but until you can " divorce " yourself from that mind-set, you'll keep

experiencing these scenarios because she'll always have the upper hand. She'll

use the weapon of " guilt " to force you into doing her bidding, every time.

Lose the *inappropriate*, *misplaced* guilt, and you're a free man.

-Annie

> > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his

> > > masters in

> > > > > > > psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an

> > > hour and a

> > > > > > > half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with

> > > Borderline

> > > > > > > Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field

> > > trying to

> > > > > > > diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is

> > > treated

> > > > > > > for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as

very

> > > > > > > controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with

> > > gifts and

> > > > > > > seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> > > > > > > everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the

> > > middle,

> > > > > > > expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or

agree

> > > with

> > > > > > > him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot

towards

> > > me or my

> > > > > > > sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me

on

> > > facebook

> > > > > > > or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having

> > > time to do

> > > > > > > that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying

discussing.

> > > She also

> > > > > > > will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on

> > > the phone

> > > > > > > when it is inconvenient for them.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it

> > > was

> > > > > > > currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing

a

> > > newer

> > > > > > > used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of

> > > monthly

> > > > > > > car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my

> > > situation I

> > > > > > > would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought

> > > tickets for

> > > > > > > a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is

> > > Spider-man, me

> > > > > > > being a comic reader and fan of U2.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be

> > > getting a

> > > > > > > new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out

> > > well the

> > > > > > > last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend

> > > and I have

> > > > > > > spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips

> > > that are

> > > > > > > hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that

> > > I would

> > > > > > > be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now

> > > claims I said

> > > > > > > to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me

> > > just saying

> > > > > > > " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it

> > > out

> > > > > > > between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an

> > > attitude from

> > > > > > > me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and

> > > sending

> > > > > > > nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no

response

> > > from me

> > > > > > > on.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I

> > > went on

> > > > > > > forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave

> > > you with

> > > > > > > a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Maley

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > " Look

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's

> > > not

> > > > > > > about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me.

> > > It's about

> > > > > > > your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a

> > > lot of

> > > > > > > things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about

> > > OTHER

> > > > > > > THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ?

> > > You are

> > > > > > > stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world

> > > revolves around

> > > > > > > YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for

> > > even your

> > > > > > > own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let

> > > alone you

> > > > > > > are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in

> > > the first

> > > > > > > place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I

> > > have

> > > > > > > always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since.

> > > Those

> > > > > > > things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE.

And

> > > then you

> > > > > > > didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on

> > > YOU " ??? I

> > > > > > > was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your

> > > controlling way, I

> > > > > > > wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something

> > > nice -

> > > > > > > with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you

and

> > > I

> > > > > > > thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets

> > > the night

> > > > > > > before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I

> > > would have

> > > > > > > had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said

> > > to me

> > > > > > > SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it

write

> > > when

> > > > > > > telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice

> > > for you and

> > > > > > > just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU.

> > > That was

> > > > > > > all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not

> > > prepared for

> > > > > > > company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well.

> > > Believe me,

> > > > > > > I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing

> > > anything

> > > > > > > nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you

were.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us,

> > > whether we

> > > > > > > had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at

> > > desperate

> > > > > > > times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took

you

> > > forever

> > > > > > > to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are

at

> > > YOUR

> > > > > > > whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

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Posted
Posted

Me personally, I think its more of a mind-set than a script for each situation

that is the goal. If you're clear in your own mind about what is and isn't OK

(meaning, tolerable) for you, then its easier to not get caught up in the

emotion of the moment, step back away from the drama, center yourself, and just

calmly say " I can hear you're upset, and I'm sorry but that's the best I can do.

I'll talk to you later. " or " The earliest I can come is Saturday after next; if

that's not workable for you, let me know a Saturday that is. Bye for now. "

" That's thoughtful of you, but I'm going to have to pass on taking that trip

with you, I've taken an extra part-time job now " (or whatever).

Once you can take in the fact that you don't *owe* your mother an explanation

about your time, your schedule, your reasons for doing this or that, etc., and

if she gets upset with you, its not your job to make her (a) accept your reasons

or (B) make her feel better. As an adult you have the right to privacy. If

your mother knows exactly what you're doing at any given moment, where you are,

who you're with, then she's way too enmeshed with you as though you are 10 years

old, and you're allowing it.

Temporary time-outs are OK. If she's offering you one, take her up on it. If

she's getting into your business too much, then its OK for you to take a

time-out from her, too.

When she threatens you with the silent treatment or holding your dad and sister

" hostage " so you can't easily talk to them, just calmly say, " I understand;

you're upset now. I'll talk to you later. " When she calls you names, calmly

say, " I'm not going to listen to you when you call me names, I'm hanging up now.

Talk to you later. "

Right now, you're still on some level buying into the concept that its your job

to placate her and reason with her so she won't be angry at you or upset with

you, but until you can " divorce " yourself from that mind-set, you'll keep

experiencing these scenarios because she'll always have the upper hand. She'll

use the weapon of " guilt " to force you into doing her bidding, every time.

Lose the *inappropriate*, *misplaced* guilt, and you're a free man.

-Annie

> > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his

> > > masters in

> > > > > > > psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an

> > > hour and a

> > > > > > > half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with

> > > Borderline

> > > > > > > Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field

> > > trying to

> > > > > > > diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is

> > > treated

> > > > > > > for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as

very

> > > > > > > controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with

> > > gifts and

> > > > > > > seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> > > > > > > everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the

> > > middle,

> > > > > > > expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or

agree

> > > with

> > > > > > > him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot

towards

> > > me or my

> > > > > > > sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me

on

> > > facebook

> > > > > > > or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having

> > > time to do

> > > > > > > that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying

discussing.

> > > She also

> > > > > > > will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on

> > > the phone

> > > > > > > when it is inconvenient for them.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it

> > > was

> > > > > > > currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing

a

> > > newer

> > > > > > > used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of

> > > monthly

> > > > > > > car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my

> > > situation I

> > > > > > > would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought

> > > tickets for

> > > > > > > a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is

> > > Spider-man, me

> > > > > > > being a comic reader and fan of U2.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be

> > > getting a

> > > > > > > new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out

> > > well the

> > > > > > > last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend

> > > and I have

> > > > > > > spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips

> > > that are

> > > > > > > hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that

> > > I would

> > > > > > > be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now

> > > claims I said

> > > > > > > to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me

> > > just saying

> > > > > > > " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it

> > > out

> > > > > > > between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an

> > > attitude from

> > > > > > > me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and

> > > sending

> > > > > > > nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no

response

> > > from me

> > > > > > > on.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I

> > > went on

> > > > > > > forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave

> > > you with

> > > > > > > a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Maley

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > " Look

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's

> > > not

> > > > > > > about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me.

> > > It's about

> > > > > > > your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a

> > > lot of

> > > > > > > things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about

> > > OTHER

> > > > > > > THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ?

> > > You are

> > > > > > > stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world

> > > revolves around

> > > > > > > YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for

> > > even your

> > > > > > > own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let

> > > alone you

> > > > > > > are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in

> > > the first

> > > > > > > place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I

> > > have

> > > > > > > always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since.

> > > Those

> > > > > > > things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE.

And

> > > then you

> > > > > > > didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on

> > > YOU " ??? I

> > > > > > > was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your

> > > controlling way, I

> > > > > > > wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something

> > > nice -

> > > > > > > with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you

and

> > > I

> > > > > > > thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets

> > > the night

> > > > > > > before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I

> > > would have

> > > > > > > had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said

> > > to me

> > > > > > > SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it

write

> > > when

> > > > > > > telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice

> > > for you and

> > > > > > > just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU.

> > > That was

> > > > > > > all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not

> > > prepared for

> > > > > > > company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well.

> > > Believe me,

> > > > > > > I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing

> > > anything

> > > > > > > nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you

were.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us,

> > > whether we

> > > > > > > had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at

> > > desperate

> > > > > > > times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took

you

> > > forever

> > > > > > > to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are

at

> > > YOUR

> > > > > > > whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

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Unbelievable!!! You poor guy....

I am always amazed when people claim to be so depressed they can't do anything

for themselves like clean or plug in a computer....but expect everyone else to

jump when they need them. Not to mention she suddenly had the energy to ream

your asshole out with such vile hatred!!! Sorry about the language.......this

just pisses me off!!! I could never do this to one of my son's...NEVER.

Reminds me of Tony M, his nada, and his old post's...horrible.

Hang in tough Chris.....you are not alone. drlingirl

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Posted
Posted

Unbelievable!!! You poor guy....

I am always amazed when people claim to be so depressed they can't do anything

for themselves like clean or plug in a computer....but expect everyone else to

jump when they need them. Not to mention she suddenly had the energy to ream

your asshole out with such vile hatred!!! Sorry about the language.......this

just pisses me off!!! I could never do this to one of my son's...NEVER.

Reminds me of Tony M, his nada, and his old post's...horrible.

Hang in tough Chris.....you are not alone. drlingirl

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Posted
Posted

wow. blah blah blah > the email.

I am so sorry. all of this is so inappropriate. some people it seems just to

have someone to abuse apparently. I'd be tempted to cut and past the part that

says " I will never ask anything of you again " and just send it to her to remind

her, every time there is an issue. Listening to crap like this, so abusive and

assaultive of your character, in my mind pays back any debts you may have to

them financially. you probably have years of hearing stuff like this. Hugs.

>

>

> Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a half

away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline Personality. I

feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to diagnose their

wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated for OCD, depression,

and migraines. I overall see my mother as very controlling and manipulative and

tries to buy others love with gifts and seeks the gratitude from when she does.

My mother takes offense at everything my father does and will call me up to put

me in the middle, expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or

agree with him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards

me or my sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on

facebook or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time

to do that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She

also will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the

phone when it is inconvenient for them.

>

> My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer used

car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly car

payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I would of

had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for a broadway

show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me being a comic

reader and fan of U2.

>

> Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a new

one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the last time

I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have spent time

away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are hours away and

wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would be happy to do it

not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said to her " I don't come

at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying " I can't do things

according to your schedule, we need to work it out between both of ours. " It was

the same meaning, but less of an attitude from me. She is now throwing recent

" acts of kindness " in my face and sending nasty emails and text messages which

she says she wants no response from me on.

>

> I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with a

copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

>

> Maley

>

>

>

>

>

>

> " Look

>

> The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not about

You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about your

Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of things two

weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER THINGS. But you

don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are stubborn,

self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around YOU. For

someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your own depressed

mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you are given things

that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first place if you weren't a

person of character and appreciated what I have always tried to be there for you

BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE.

They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you didn't want to let me get off the phone OR

I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU

in your controlling way, I wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to

do something nice - with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask

you and I thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the

night before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would

have had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

>

> You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me SUNK

you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when telling your

dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and just ask you to

come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was all. I just wanted you

here as with the depression I am not prepared for company and your sister was

coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me, I'll NEVER ask anything of you

again. And, I won't think of doing anything nice for you again either. You're

not the " man " I thought you were.

>

> You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we had

bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate times, or

getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever to say YES on,

or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR whim. Maybe you liked

it better when we did nothing for you. "

>

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Share on other sites
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Posted
Posted

wow. blah blah blah > the email.

I am so sorry. all of this is so inappropriate. some people it seems just to

have someone to abuse apparently. I'd be tempted to cut and past the part that

says " I will never ask anything of you again " and just send it to her to remind

her, every time there is an issue. Listening to crap like this, so abusive and

assaultive of your character, in my mind pays back any debts you may have to

them financially. you probably have years of hearing stuff like this. Hugs.

>

>

> Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a half

away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline Personality. I

feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to diagnose their

wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated for OCD, depression,

and migraines. I overall see my mother as very controlling and manipulative and

tries to buy others love with gifts and seeks the gratitude from when she does.

My mother takes offense at everything my father does and will call me up to put

me in the middle, expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or

agree with him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards

me or my sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on

facebook or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time

to do that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She

also will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the

phone when it is inconvenient for them.

>

> My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer used

car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly car

payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I would of

had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for a broadway

show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me being a comic

reader and fan of U2.

>

> Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a new

one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the last time

I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have spent time

away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are hours away and

wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would be happy to do it

not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said to her " I don't come

at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying " I can't do things

according to your schedule, we need to work it out between both of ours. " It was

the same meaning, but less of an attitude from me. She is now throwing recent

" acts of kindness " in my face and sending nasty emails and text messages which

she says she wants no response from me on.

>

> I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with a

copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

>

> Maley

>

>

>

>

>

>

> " Look

>

> The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not about

You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about your

Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of things two

weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER THINGS. But you

don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are stubborn,

self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around YOU. For

someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your own depressed

mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you are given things

that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first place if you weren't a

person of character and appreciated what I have always tried to be there for you

BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE.

They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you didn't want to let me get off the phone OR

I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU

in your controlling way, I wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to

do something nice - with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask

you and I thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the

night before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would

have had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

>

> You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me SUNK

you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when telling your

dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and just ask you to

come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was all. I just wanted you

here as with the depression I am not prepared for company and your sister was

coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me, I'll NEVER ask anything of you

again. And, I won't think of doing anything nice for you again either. You're

not the " man " I thought you were.

>

> You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we had

bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate times, or

getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever to say YES on,

or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR whim. Maybe you liked

it better when we did nothing for you. "

>

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Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

wow. blah blah blah > the email.

I am so sorry. all of this is so inappropriate. some people it seems just to

have someone to abuse apparently. I'd be tempted to cut and past the part that

says " I will never ask anything of you again " and just send it to her to remind

her, every time there is an issue. Listening to crap like this, so abusive and

assaultive of your character, in my mind pays back any debts you may have to

them financially. you probably have years of hearing stuff like this. Hugs.

>

>

> Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a half

away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline Personality. I

feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to diagnose their

wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated for OCD, depression,

and migraines. I overall see my mother as very controlling and manipulative and

tries to buy others love with gifts and seeks the gratitude from when she does.

My mother takes offense at everything my father does and will call me up to put

me in the middle, expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or

agree with him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards

me or my sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on

facebook or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time

to do that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She

also will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the

phone when it is inconvenient for them.

>

> My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer used

car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly car

payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I would of

had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for a broadway

show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me being a comic

reader and fan of U2.

>

> Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a new

one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the last time

I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have spent time

away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are hours away and

wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would be happy to do it

not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said to her " I don't come

at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying " I can't do things

according to your schedule, we need to work it out between both of ours. " It was

the same meaning, but less of an attitude from me. She is now throwing recent

" acts of kindness " in my face and sending nasty emails and text messages which

she says she wants no response from me on.

>

> I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with a

copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

>

> Maley

>

>

>

>

>

>

> " Look

>

> The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not about

You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about your

Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of things two

weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER THINGS. But you

don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are stubborn,

self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around YOU. For

someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your own depressed

mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you are given things

that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first place if you weren't a

person of character and appreciated what I have always tried to be there for you

BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE.

They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you didn't want to let me get off the phone OR

I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU

in your controlling way, I wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to

do something nice - with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask

you and I thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the

night before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would

have had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

>

> You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me SUNK

you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when telling your

dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and just ask you to

come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was all. I just wanted you

here as with the depression I am not prepared for company and your sister was

coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me, I'll NEVER ask anything of you

again. And, I won't think of doing anything nice for you again either. You're

not the " man " I thought you were.

>

> You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we had

bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate times, or

getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever to say YES on,

or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR whim. Maybe you liked

it better when we did nothing for you. "

>

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Posted
Posted

That is SO on-target, I LOVE the way you diagrammed/translated your (sort of)

sil's message to you! Oh, that is so accurate, I'm willing to bet! Righteously

perceptive, GC, I'm lol and giving you a big virtual high-five: )))))SMAK!(((((

-Annie

nastygram from " sil " :

" Don't worry, I am giving your mother all the unconditional

love she deserved from you. "

translation/diagram per GC:

" Your mother is sucking the life out of me. I can't handle being responsible for

a 65 year old, completely capable adult woman. I wish you would come take her

off my hands. I've picked up the family roles right where you left off and I

hate it! Who gave me this job, anyway? "

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