In shock from NC

[Guest guest]

I went NC just two weeks ago and my numbness is starting to turn into complete

shock. I don't regret my decision at all but I can't believe this has happened.

I can't believe how permanent it is and that I had to go to such extreme

measures just for the freedom to live my life. I can't believe parents like this

can exist, and that on top of it, I am certain they are blaming me for all of

this. I am shocked that something like this could happen to them, and they won't

for a second doubt themselves, or examine their actions.

Nada and fada received my final letter from Paris this week stating I don't want

any contact and will get a restraining order if they try. Intellectually, I am

relieved that their efforts have ceased (I think). On another level, though, it

makes me really sad that I was right- that their " love " was conditional, and

they are ready to abandon me if I " misbehave " .

I have been really busy with school, so it's only been hard on the weekends when

I'm not busy. I don't like going out with friends because I'm so preoccupied

with so many secrets I can't tell them. I am petrified of drinking because I

don't want to slip up and reveal my old name and identity. I also have started

crying at the bar and I'm fairly certain my neighbor who walks me home every

night thinks I'm crazy.

When I first joined this group, I envied everyone who had gone NC. I thought of

you as strong and persistent, but I never thought about how much all of you have

had to go through emotionally to get to where you are.

I know it will get better, it just doesn't *feel* like that right now. I

continue to read the board every day, which definitely helps. Thanks for

listening.