Pieces of my Story

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone - I just found this group and I have to admit, I'm feeling so many

mixed emotions right now... I'm going to do my best just not ramble too much. I

feel like there's so much to download...

My older brother and I grew up in a single parent household with a mother who

I've just found out to have BPD. My parents split when I was around 2 because my

father is bipolar and " it was unsafe for him to be around us during his deep

depressions " . My mother would tell me that she didn't want us to find him dead

when he was finally successful at committing suicide. So...my point is, my

father's out of the picture, but also mentally ill.

I have just been through about 4 months of regular weekly therapy to deal with

my mother specifically and I think I'm doing better mentally/emotionally, but I

still really struggle with all of it. Mostly, I feel that I am an orphan because

of mental illness and I don't have a normal reference for what parents should be

like. I've always been the " rescuer " and the parent to my mother (and father, a

few years ago).

My BPD mom suffers with a number of things... I believe her BPD is paired with

chronic depression and she often plays the " waif " , though she is capable of all

of the BPD personalities. She believes that she should get everything for free

and has an enormous sense of entitlement. She comes to ME for advice and I'm

tired of fixing her problems all the time.

This all came up when my brother decided that he didn't want her around his

newborn son, which crushed her (she delusionally thinks that she is an

incredible parent). We all feel that she can't be trusted with a child, even if

she means well. She always seeks attention (VERY much a hypochondriac) and who

knows what she would do to get it. My brother even went through the foster care

system around 7 years old because she was suspected of having Munchausen

syndrome...

At first, I struggled with the guilt and overwhelming shame of having two

parents that I'm embarrased of. I'm very independent and fixated on being

" successful " so that I'm nothing like my mother. I have a hard time making close

friendships (especially with other women), though I have many aquaintences.

What I most have difficulty with is watching/participating in average family

situations that I've never experienced. I also have a really hard time

explaining my family situation to others. They don't get it when I say that my

mom is mentally ill. They just think I'm complaining and say things like " Well,

I've met her, she's a cool lady! "

My mom is an expert at the false facade of success. She acts a certain way that

is socially acceptable when it serves her, but has VERY skewed and paranoid

perceptions of things most other times. She is capable of being " on " and being a

really cool normal person, which makes it hard to explain that she's putting on

a very elaborate act. It's SO painful when people judge me because I don't act

loving toward my mother.

She does the classic build up/cut down thing a lot. She has no friends anymore

but the two people who have stuck by her. She only has these two friends, yet

she belittles and says mean things about them constantly behind their backs. I

found out recently that she also does it to me...

What's kept be someone sane is that my brother is going through the same

struggles right now and we have started to finally talk about the elephant in

the room. My husband's family has also been a good reference point for what is

generally normal, and I'm learning to enjoy family things with them. I feel like

I'm so behind in understanding how a semi-functional family actually works. I'm

grateful for my husband's support more than I can say. He doesn't understand

everything, but at least he's on my side.

Anyway, this is some of my puzzle. Thanks for being here.

-Kali