Back again

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone!

You may or may not remember me. I stopped posting about a year ago when my life

got super busy (but in a good way).

For those of you who don't remember me I'll try to sum it up.

I'm a 27 yr old sort of single mom (I'll get to that) of an 8 yr old DD. I will

graduate with my BA in psych in December and then am going for my MA in

counseling.

I raised my sister from the time she was 15. She's now 21 and LC with our BP

Nada. We have a 24 yr old brother who just got out of prison last month. I tried

to do the same for him that I did for my sister but he stole from me and lied

when he lived in my home. He moved out at 17, left for hawaii, stole a car, and

has been in and out of jail since.

Our Nada is mostly Queen/Waif, but can pull out the Witch at any given moment.

The story of my Nada is too long to detail. I suppose the key points are that

she is still married to her most recent husband(#5) but has been separated for 2

yrs when she moved across the state to be closer to me. I did NOT want her to

move closer. She believes she is destined to have a career in music and is

actively pursuing it. She always blamed her children for her lack of success and

that is still the case. She is highly jealous of me as the oldest daughter.

She's always been super critical of her daughters weight/ hair/ appearance/ you

name it. The odd thing, that I'm sure you are all familiar with, is that despite

her nastiness she is a very charismatic charming woman.

I've been trying for as long as I can remember to find balance between limiting

contact but still keeping her in my life.

About 2 years ago I ended a relationship with a man who has NPD. That

relationship made me realize just how deeply my Nada had programmed me to

destroy myself for the benefit of others. Even with that realization I didn't

cut her out completely. I wanted to be forgiving and mature.

So now for the new stuff and the things I'd like advice on:

I'm now in the most wonderful relationship of my life. This man is truly so

wonderful. He knows about Nada and is nothing but supportive. I plan to marry

him but am still working on what a marriage is supposed to look like and how to

let him take care of me without feeling I am taking advantage of him as I saw

Nada do with every man she ever encountered.

The longer I'm with him the nastier Nada becomes. I haven't spoken to her in 2

months. She calls and I just don't answer. I want to go NC now. I finally want

to cut all ties and let her go. My therapist is telling me I am being avoidant

and that if I'm truly going NC I need to be assertive about it. I'm not really

sure what if anything I should do. I know the fury I will be met with if I tell

her anything and I know that she won't hear anything I have to say. I also know

that if I don't make it clear she will continue to guilt me into speaking to her

eventually.

Do you think that " taking a stand " so to speak is a good way to go NC? If you

didn't tell your individual with BPD that you were going NC how do you deal with

the attempts to contact and the flying monkies?

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts

Riah

[Guest guest]

sometimes even good therapists make mistakes and i think this advice you are

getting is one of those times. your therapist may not have any experience with

bpd..  i don't think you have to try to be 'reasonable' or 'mature' in your

going nc with your nada.. she is mentally unbalanced and not in a position to

appreciate or benefit from your 'taking a stand' or not being 'avoidant' and

neither (more importantly) are you. in my opinion i would simply stop, just stop

the contact. or maybe send her a short letter saying you will not be having any

more contact with you, you are no longer in her life.  period.  she deserves

no explanations from you (she would not be able to absorb their meaning anyway)

nor do you need to endure her outbursts at your decisions (she would be verbally

abusing you if you were in contact with her too).. so just let her go, she is in

God's hands, i would look at it.  just my 2 cents worth, take what you like and

leave the rest.

and congrats on your new, healthy relationship!! may it flourish and prosper and

bring you both much happiness!!ann

Subject: Back again

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, August 31, 2010, 6:13 PM

 

Hi everyone!

You may or may not remember me. I stopped posting about a year ago when my life

got super busy (but in a good way).

For those of you who don't remember me I'll try to sum it up.

I'm a 27 yr old sort of single mom (I'll get to that) of an 8 yr old DD. I will

graduate with my BA in psych in December and then am going for my MA in

counseling.

I raised my sister from the time she was 15. She's now 21 and LC with our BP

Nada. We have a 24 yr old brother who just got out of prison last month. I tried

to do the same for him that I did for my sister but he stole from me and lied

when he lived in my home. He moved out at 17, left for hawaii, stole a car, and

has been in and out of jail since.

Our Nada is mostly Queen/Waif, but can pull out the Witch at any given moment.

The story of my Nada is too long to detail. I suppose the key points are that

she is still married to her most recent husband(#5) but has been separated for 2

yrs when she moved across the state to be closer to me. I did NOT want her to

move closer. She believes she is destined to have a career in music and is

actively pursuing it. She always blamed her children for her lack of success and

that is still the case. She is highly jealous of me as the oldest daughter.

She's always been super critical of her daughters weight/ hair/ appearance/ you

name it. The odd thing, that I'm sure you are all familiar with, is that despite

her nastiness she is a very charismatic charming woman.

I've been trying for as long as I can remember to find balance between limiting

contact but still keeping her in my life.

About 2 years ago I ended a relationship with a man who has NPD. That

relationship made me realize just how deeply my Nada had programmed me to

destroy myself for the benefit of others. Even with that realization I didn't

cut her out completely. I wanted to be forgiving and mature.

So now for the new stuff and the things I'd like advice on:

I'm now in the most wonderful relationship of my life. This man is truly so

wonderful. He knows about Nada and is nothing but supportive. I plan to marry

him but am still working on what a marriage is supposed to look like and how to

let him take care of me without feeling I am taking advantage of him as I saw

Nada do with every man she ever encountered.

The longer I'm with him the nastier Nada becomes. I haven't spoken to her in 2

months. She calls and I just don't answer. I want to go NC now. I finally want

to cut all ties and let her go. My therapist is telling me I am being avoidant

and that if I'm truly going NC I need to be assertive about it. I'm not really

sure what if anything I should do. I know the fury I will be met with if I tell

her anything and I know that she won't hear anything I have to say. I also know

that if I don't make it clear she will continue to guilt me into speaking to her

eventually.

Do you think that " taking a stand " so to speak is a good way to go NC? If you

didn't tell your individual with BPD that you were going NC how do you deal with

the attempts to contact and the flying monkies?

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts

Riah

[Guest guest]

sometimes even good therapists make mistakes and i think this advice you are

getting is one of those times. your therapist may not have any experience with

bpd..  i don't think you have to try to be 'reasonable' or 'mature' in your

going nc with your nada.. she is mentally unbalanced and not in a position to

appreciate or benefit from your 'taking a stand' or not being 'avoidant' and

neither (more importantly) are you. in my opinion i would simply stop, just stop

the contact. or maybe send her a short letter saying you will not be having any

more contact with you, you are no longer in her life.  period.  she deserves

no explanations from you (she would not be able to absorb their meaning anyway)

nor do you need to endure her outbursts at your decisions (she would be verbally

abusing you if you were in contact with her too).. so just let her go, she is in

God's hands, i would look at it.  just my 2 cents worth, take what you like and

leave the rest.

and congrats on your new, healthy relationship!! may it flourish and prosper and

bring you both much happiness!!ann

Subject: Back again

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, August 31, 2010, 6:13 PM

 

Hi everyone!

You may or may not remember me. I stopped posting about a year ago when my life

got super busy (but in a good way).

For those of you who don't remember me I'll try to sum it up.

I'm a 27 yr old sort of single mom (I'll get to that) of an 8 yr old DD. I will

graduate with my BA in psych in December and then am going for my MA in

counseling.

I raised my sister from the time she was 15. She's now 21 and LC with our BP

Nada. We have a 24 yr old brother who just got out of prison last month. I tried

to do the same for him that I did for my sister but he stole from me and lied

when he lived in my home. He moved out at 17, left for hawaii, stole a car, and

has been in and out of jail since.

Our Nada is mostly Queen/Waif, but can pull out the Witch at any given moment.

The story of my Nada is too long to detail. I suppose the key points are that

she is still married to her most recent husband(#5) but has been separated for 2

yrs when she moved across the state to be closer to me. I did NOT want her to

move closer. She believes she is destined to have a career in music and is

actively pursuing it. She always blamed her children for her lack of success and

that is still the case. She is highly jealous of me as the oldest daughter.

She's always been super critical of her daughters weight/ hair/ appearance/ you

name it. The odd thing, that I'm sure you are all familiar with, is that despite

her nastiness she is a very charismatic charming woman.

I've been trying for as long as I can remember to find balance between limiting

contact but still keeping her in my life.

About 2 years ago I ended a relationship with a man who has NPD. That

relationship made me realize just how deeply my Nada had programmed me to

destroy myself for the benefit of others. Even with that realization I didn't

cut her out completely. I wanted to be forgiving and mature.

So now for the new stuff and the things I'd like advice on:

I'm now in the most wonderful relationship of my life. This man is truly so

wonderful. He knows about Nada and is nothing but supportive. I plan to marry

him but am still working on what a marriage is supposed to look like and how to

let him take care of me without feeling I am taking advantage of him as I saw

Nada do with every man she ever encountered.

The longer I'm with him the nastier Nada becomes. I haven't spoken to her in 2

months. She calls and I just don't answer. I want to go NC now. I finally want

to cut all ties and let her go. My therapist is telling me I am being avoidant

and that if I'm truly going NC I need to be assertive about it. I'm not really

sure what if anything I should do. I know the fury I will be met with if I tell

her anything and I know that she won't hear anything I have to say. I also know

that if I don't make it clear she will continue to guilt me into speaking to her

eventually.

Do you think that " taking a stand " so to speak is a good way to go NC? If you

didn't tell your individual with BPD that you were going NC how do you deal with

the attempts to contact and the flying monkies?

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts

Riah

[Guest guest]

sometimes even good therapists make mistakes and i think this advice you are

getting is one of those times. your therapist may not have any experience with

bpd..  i don't think you have to try to be 'reasonable' or 'mature' in your

going nc with your nada.. she is mentally unbalanced and not in a position to

appreciate or benefit from your 'taking a stand' or not being 'avoidant' and

neither (more importantly) are you. in my opinion i would simply stop, just stop

the contact. or maybe send her a short letter saying you will not be having any

more contact with you, you are no longer in her life.  period.  she deserves

no explanations from you (she would not be able to absorb their meaning anyway)

nor do you need to endure her outbursts at your decisions (she would be verbally

abusing you if you were in contact with her too).. so just let her go, she is in

God's hands, i would look at it.  just my 2 cents worth, take what you like and

leave the rest.

and congrats on your new, healthy relationship!! may it flourish and prosper and

bring you both much happiness!!ann

Subject: Back again

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, August 31, 2010, 6:13 PM

 

Hi everyone!

You may or may not remember me. I stopped posting about a year ago when my life

got super busy (but in a good way).

For those of you who don't remember me I'll try to sum it up.

I'm a 27 yr old sort of single mom (I'll get to that) of an 8 yr old DD. I will

graduate with my BA in psych in December and then am going for my MA in

counseling.

I raised my sister from the time she was 15. She's now 21 and LC with our BP

Nada. We have a 24 yr old brother who just got out of prison last month. I tried

to do the same for him that I did for my sister but he stole from me and lied

when he lived in my home. He moved out at 17, left for hawaii, stole a car, and

has been in and out of jail since.

Our Nada is mostly Queen/Waif, but can pull out the Witch at any given moment.

The story of my Nada is too long to detail. I suppose the key points are that

she is still married to her most recent husband(#5) but has been separated for 2

yrs when she moved across the state to be closer to me. I did NOT want her to

move closer. She believes she is destined to have a career in music and is

actively pursuing it. She always blamed her children for her lack of success and

that is still the case. She is highly jealous of me as the oldest daughter.

She's always been super critical of her daughters weight/ hair/ appearance/ you

name it. The odd thing, that I'm sure you are all familiar with, is that despite

her nastiness she is a very charismatic charming woman.

I've been trying for as long as I can remember to find balance between limiting

contact but still keeping her in my life.

About 2 years ago I ended a relationship with a man who has NPD. That

relationship made me realize just how deeply my Nada had programmed me to

destroy myself for the benefit of others. Even with that realization I didn't

cut her out completely. I wanted to be forgiving and mature.

So now for the new stuff and the things I'd like advice on:

I'm now in the most wonderful relationship of my life. This man is truly so

wonderful. He knows about Nada and is nothing but supportive. I plan to marry

him but am still working on what a marriage is supposed to look like and how to

let him take care of me without feeling I am taking advantage of him as I saw

Nada do with every man she ever encountered.

The longer I'm with him the nastier Nada becomes. I haven't spoken to her in 2

months. She calls and I just don't answer. I want to go NC now. I finally want

to cut all ties and let her go. My therapist is telling me I am being avoidant

and that if I'm truly going NC I need to be assertive about it. I'm not really

sure what if anything I should do. I know the fury I will be met with if I tell

her anything and I know that she won't hear anything I have to say. I also know

that if I don't make it clear she will continue to guilt me into speaking to her

eventually.

Do you think that " taking a stand " so to speak is a good way to go NC? If you

didn't tell your individual with BPD that you were going NC how do you deal with

the attempts to contact and the flying monkies?

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts

Riah