A Mother with BPD

[Guest guest]

I just found out through a co-worker whose mother-in-law has BPD that this is an

actual disorder and that my mother suffers from this as well. I have been

reading books on this for a couple of weeks now and it has really helped me to

understand why she behaves like she does and why I feel as if I'm going crazy

from being around her. I'm 49 years old and feel like I have wasted a lot of

years worrying and stressing over things. I don't know why it has taken me so

long. She has had so much control over my life and I have been allowing this to

happen. It is so hard for me to stand up to my mother. It is such a huge

ordeal if I say something to offend her and then I have to put up with so much

drama that I found it easier to hold everything in. Some days I feel like I

could just blow up. I had a foot surgery and was on pain medication and she

came over and pushed every last button I had. I still couldn't say anything.

When she had a chance to get home, I called her and started yelling that she was

driving me crazy. I had never done that before and it took being on pain

medication for it to be released. Of course, she hung up on me. When I called

her several weeks later and I asked her if I had to explain why I got upset, she

said I guess your hormones are going crazy. I know it is useless to try to

explain things to her because she is never at fault. This is the way it has

always been. I have always spoken with my mother on the phone frequently and

done things with her a couple of times each week. I am usually miserable from

the many rude things she says and does. I don't understand why I let myself be

tortured like that. For the last several months I have cut way back. It has

been a slow process, but this has been really good for me emotionally. She has

been " paying me back " by not calling, but this has been a really good thing for

me too. I am finally understanding that this has needed to happen for a long

time, but I was never strong enough to do it. When she finally realized it had

been two weeks since we had spoken, she called and left a sad message that she

wanted me to have lunch with her and my father. I just couldn't call her back,

because I knew I couldn't do that and I didn't want to try to explain it to her.

I knew she would cry and I would cave in and go with them to lunch. My Dad

called the other day and told me Mom is getting lonely. I told him for now I

wasn't able to be around her. I wasn't mad or doing this to be mean, I just had

to do it for my own sanity. I told him that I didn't like myself when I was

around her. I feel bullied and disrespected. I asked him if he would like to

read the book that explains about her disorder and he said he would. I just

gave it to him tonight. She treats him horribly and he knows that there is

something wrong with her, but he has always stood by her and protected her. He

said that he is able to deal with it. I don't think I can take it anymore. My

daughter has a birthday coming up soon and we usually have dinner with my

parents but my mother always creates some kind of drama. I am so tired of

everything being about her. What should I do about the birthday dinner? How long

should I give myself before I start talking with her again? I am emotionally

exhausted from years of dealing with her behavior. What should I do?