Re: Eloped...and the emotional blackmail/fallout

[Guest guest]

Most importantly....congratulations to you and your husband! That's the most

important thing, and that you guys focus on your long, happy marriage

together

Your family is crazy. You and your wonderful husband are not.

I wish I had specific advice for you on trying to overcome the guilt, but

the main point is to focus on your marriage and new family right now. It

helped me when I got married recently, to just throw my energy into making a

strong marriage with my husband and not expend any energy thinking about my

fada, etc.

Holly

On Wed, Sep 15, 2010 at 2:43 PM, nolegirl050709 wrote:

>

>

> So on Friday, my fiance' of 2.5 years and I eloped. We had been planning

> for a month after nada backed out of paying for our original wedding as

> revenge for me refusing to travel 8 hours one-way back to visit her and for

> me refusing to disclose large amounts of personal information. Of course,

> she later denied saying ANY of that at all. I made it up, apparently.

>

> I should go on to say that in the past 3.5 years my now husband and I have

> been together, my nada and her FOO have been overall unwelcoming of him. He

> is a fantastic, smart man who treats me extremely well, but he is older than

> me and has children who he has sole custody of and therefore live with us.

> Keep in mind he is supportive in my role as stepparent to his children,

> supported me through college and now graduate school, and overall adores me

> (even the women in the chapel we eloped to said how lucky I was since he was

> so obviously in love with me). But, he doesn't hesitate to stand up to nada

> and doesn't allow her to repeatedly abuse me as she had for so many years.

> Because he finally gave me strength to see through the FOG and stand up for

> myself, nada hates him. He is the worst person in the world, who is

> obviously abusing and using me.

>

> I called nada about an hour before the ceremony and simply said I was just

> calling to let her know I was getting married that night. Of course, this

> isn't because we simply love each other to nada - it's because I'm pregnant

> supposedly, or he manipulated me into agreeing to marrying him. I hung up on

> her, hugged my friend, and walked myself down the aisle 45 minutes later.

>

> Nada waited until Monday to call me, and sounded surprisingly....calm.

> Almost a resigned acceptance in her voice. But of course, she didn't tell

> the rest of her FOO. One of the biggest issues in these almost 4 years is

> that Nada has tried her hardest to treat my relationship as the shameful

> secret. She and the rest of my FOO are very concerned about appearances in

> their small town. The fact that I wasn't with a doctor or lawyer was

> crushing and humiliating to them. Because of this, my husband has never been

> warmly welcomed. Some periods it has seemed that they are finally accepting,

> only to reject again. None of my FOO acknowledged our engagement. It was

> something I was repeatedly shamed for.

>

> Today, Nada has been leaving persistent messages stating that someone in

> the town saw the announcement on Facebook, unknowingly congratulated my

> aunt, who was then shocked and went to tell my grandparents. Of course, all

> of this would have been avoided had nada told the FOO as any normal, excited

> mother would have done. Now, I am being blamed for my grandfather's heart

> palpitations, my grandmother's refusal to leave the house, and both their

> tears not because they aren't happy for me (supposedly) but because they

> wanted to be there and because they don't want people to know the FOO didn't

> know. Nada is begging me to consider the FOO when posting anything on

> Facebook and not allow anything to be " misconstrued. "

>

> My grandparents did essentially raise me, since nada was too mentally ill

> and childlike to do so herself, so I do feel guilty BUT they have also

> enabled her time and again at my expense. I don't feel like I'm being cruel

> for feeling, quite frankly, that they all have gotten what they deserved. I

> have caught endless grief and guilt for the past 3.5 years for my

> relationship with my husband from my nada and grandparents, with little

> acknowledgment or pride from them for what I have accomplished - finding a

> good-hearted man, raising two children who needed a parent, finishing

> college and starting graduate school. Why would I be eager to share the news

> of our marriage when I have been raked over the coals every other time I

> have shared my good news? My friends and my father's family, while shocked,

> have been overjoyed for my husband and myself. I just refused to be beat

> down anymore, and if it has to be at the expense of my FOO's feelings, as

> guilty as I feel about that, then so be it.

>

> Sorry, I really needed to get all that out.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks to you all!!! And yes, we are planning on announcing it in the hometown

newspaper. I do think one thing that really helps is my husband also has

mentally ill parents, particularly his mother, so he understands better than

anyone else I could imagine marrying.

And yes, Casey, I am SO glad I didn't invite nada!! It was much easier to deal

with the emotional freakshow after the fact than to have her ruin my wedding

day. She is also extremely narcissistic and would have made it all about her.

We had a beautiful ceremony with a few close friends and it was perfect. I

thought I was going to regret not having the big ceremony I'd always dreamed of,

but when I realized what a nada hell it would have been, and I was able to relax

and do things my way, I am so much happier.

> >

> > So on Friday, my fiance' of 2.5 years and I eloped. We had been planning

for a month after nada backed out of paying for our original wedding as revenge

for me refusing to travel 8 hours one-way back to visit her and for me refusing

to disclose large amounts of personal information. Of course, she later denied

saying ANY of that at all. I made it up, apparently.

> >

> > I should go on to say that in the past 3.5 years my now husband and I have

been together, my nada and her FOO have been overall unwelcoming of him. He is

a fantastic, smart man who treats me extremely well, but he is older than me and

has children who he has sole custody of and therefore live with us. Keep in

mind he is supportive in my role as stepparent to his children, supported me

through college and now graduate school, and overall adores me (even the women

in the chapel we eloped to said how lucky I was since he was so obviously in

love with me). But, he doesn't hesitate to stand up to nada and doesn't allow

her to repeatedly abuse me as she had for so many years. Because he finally

gave me strength to see through the FOG and stand up for myself, nada hates him.

He is the worst person in the world, who is obviously abusing and using me.

> >

> > I called nada about an hour before the ceremony and simply said I was just

calling to let her know I was getting married that night. Of course, this isn't

because we simply love each other to nada - it's because I'm pregnant

supposedly, or he manipulated me into agreeing to marrying him. I hung up on

her, hugged my friend, and walked myself down the aisle 45 minutes later.

> >

> > Nada waited until Monday to call me, and sounded surprisingly....calm.

Almost a resigned acceptance in her voice. But of course, she didn't tell the

rest of her FOO. One of the biggest issues in these almost 4 years is that Nada

has tried her hardest to treat my relationship as the shameful secret. She and

the rest of my FOO are very concerned about appearances in their small town.

The fact that I wasn't with a doctor or lawyer was crushing and humiliating to

them. Because of this, my husband has never been warmly welcomed. Some periods

it has seemed that they are finally accepting, only to reject again. None of my

FOO acknowledged our engagement. It was something I was repeatedly shamed for.

> >

> > Today, Nada has been leaving persistent messages stating that someone in the

town saw the announcement on Facebook, unknowingly congratulated my aunt, who

was then shocked and went to tell my grandparents. Of course, all of this would

have been avoided had nada told the FOO as any normal, excited mother would have

done. Now, I am being blamed for my grandfather's heart palpitations, my

grandmother's refusal to leave the house, and both their tears not because they

aren't happy for me (supposedly) but because they wanted to be there and because

they don't want people to know the FOO didn't know. Nada is begging me to

consider the FOO when posting anything on Facebook and not allow anything to be

" misconstrued. "

> >

> > My grandparents did essentially raise me, since nada was too mentally ill

and childlike to do so herself, so I do feel guilty BUT they have also enabled

her time and again at my expense. I don't feel like I'm being cruel for

feeling, quite frankly, that they all have gotten what they deserved. I have

caught endless grief and guilt for the past 3.5 years for my relationship with

my husband from my nada and grandparents, with little acknowledgment or pride

from them for what I have accomplished - finding a good-hearted man, raising two

children who needed a parent, finishing college and starting graduate school.

Why would I be eager to share the news of our marriage when I have been raked

over the coals every other time I have shared my good news? My friends and my

father's family, while shocked, have been overjoyed for my husband and myself.

I just refused to be beat down anymore, and if it has to be at the expense of my

FOO's feelings, as guilty as I feel about that, then so be it.

> >

> > Sorry, I really needed to get all that out.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks to you all!!! And yes, we are planning on announcing it in the hometown

newspaper. I do think one thing that really helps is my husband also has

mentally ill parents, particularly his mother, so he understands better than

anyone else I could imagine marrying.

And yes, Casey, I am SO glad I didn't invite nada!! It was much easier to deal

with the emotional freakshow after the fact than to have her ruin my wedding

day. She is also extremely narcissistic and would have made it all about her.

We had a beautiful ceremony with a few close friends and it was perfect. I

thought I was going to regret not having the big ceremony I'd always dreamed of,

but when I realized what a nada hell it would have been, and I was able to relax

and do things my way, I am so much happier.

> >

> > So on Friday, my fiance' of 2.5 years and I eloped. We had been planning

for a month after nada backed out of paying for our original wedding as revenge

for me refusing to travel 8 hours one-way back to visit her and for me refusing

to disclose large amounts of personal information. Of course, she later denied

saying ANY of that at all. I made it up, apparently.

> >

> > I should go on to say that in the past 3.5 years my now husband and I have

been together, my nada and her FOO have been overall unwelcoming of him. He is

a fantastic, smart man who treats me extremely well, but he is older than me and

has children who he has sole custody of and therefore live with us. Keep in

mind he is supportive in my role as stepparent to his children, supported me

through college and now graduate school, and overall adores me (even the women

in the chapel we eloped to said how lucky I was since he was so obviously in

love with me). But, he doesn't hesitate to stand up to nada and doesn't allow

her to repeatedly abuse me as she had for so many years. Because he finally

gave me strength to see through the FOG and stand up for myself, nada hates him.

He is the worst person in the world, who is obviously abusing and using me.

> >

> > I called nada about an hour before the ceremony and simply said I was just

calling to let her know I was getting married that night. Of course, this isn't

because we simply love each other to nada - it's because I'm pregnant

supposedly, or he manipulated me into agreeing to marrying him. I hung up on

her, hugged my friend, and walked myself down the aisle 45 minutes later.

> >

> > Nada waited until Monday to call me, and sounded surprisingly....calm.

Almost a resigned acceptance in her voice. But of course, she didn't tell the

rest of her FOO. One of the biggest issues in these almost 4 years is that Nada

has tried her hardest to treat my relationship as the shameful secret. She and

the rest of my FOO are very concerned about appearances in their small town.

The fact that I wasn't with a doctor or lawyer was crushing and humiliating to

them. Because of this, my husband has never been warmly welcomed. Some periods

it has seemed that they are finally accepting, only to reject again. None of my

FOO acknowledged our engagement. It was something I was repeatedly shamed for.

> >

> > Today, Nada has been leaving persistent messages stating that someone in the

town saw the announcement on Facebook, unknowingly congratulated my aunt, who

was then shocked and went to tell my grandparents. Of course, all of this would

have been avoided had nada told the FOO as any normal, excited mother would have

done. Now, I am being blamed for my grandfather's heart palpitations, my

grandmother's refusal to leave the house, and both their tears not because they

aren't happy for me (supposedly) but because they wanted to be there and because

they don't want people to know the FOO didn't know. Nada is begging me to

consider the FOO when posting anything on Facebook and not allow anything to be

" misconstrued. "

> >

> > My grandparents did essentially raise me, since nada was too mentally ill

and childlike to do so herself, so I do feel guilty BUT they have also enabled

her time and again at my expense. I don't feel like I'm being cruel for

feeling, quite frankly, that they all have gotten what they deserved. I have

caught endless grief and guilt for the past 3.5 years for my relationship with

my husband from my nada and grandparents, with little acknowledgment or pride

from them for what I have accomplished - finding a good-hearted man, raising two

children who needed a parent, finishing college and starting graduate school.

Why would I be eager to share the news of our marriage when I have been raked

over the coals every other time I have shared my good news? My friends and my

father's family, while shocked, have been overjoyed for my husband and myself.

I just refused to be beat down anymore, and if it has to be at the expense of my

FOO's feelings, as guilty as I feel about that, then so be it.

> >

> > Sorry, I really needed to get all that out.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You and your new husband are awesomely assertive, you guys really rock! Best

wishes and congrats on your marriage, it sounds like its going to be a very long

and happy one!

Big thumbs up and a virtual high-five from me!

-Annie

> > >

> > > So on Friday, my fiance' of 2.5 years and I eloped. We had been planning

for a month after nada backed out of paying for our original wedding as revenge

for me refusing to travel 8 hours one-way back to visit her and for me refusing

to disclose large amounts of personal information. Of course, she later denied

saying ANY of that at all. I made it up, apparently.

> > >

> > > I should go on to say that in the past 3.5 years my now husband and I have

been together, my nada and her FOO have been overall unwelcoming of him. He is

a fantastic, smart man who treats me extremely well, but he is older than me and

has children who he has sole custody of and therefore live with us. Keep in

mind he is supportive in my role as stepparent to his children, supported me

through college and now graduate school, and overall adores me (even the women

in the chapel we eloped to said how lucky I was since he was so obviously in

love with me). But, he doesn't hesitate to stand up to nada and doesn't allow

her to repeatedly abuse me as she had for so many years. Because he finally

gave me strength to see through the FOG and stand up for myself, nada hates him.

He is the worst person in the world, who is obviously abusing and using me.

> > >

> > > I called nada about an hour before the ceremony and simply said I was just

calling to let her know I was getting married that night. Of course, this isn't

because we simply love each other to nada - it's because I'm pregnant

supposedly, or he manipulated me into agreeing to marrying him. I hung up on

her, hugged my friend, and walked myself down the aisle 45 minutes later.

> > >

> > > Nada waited until Monday to call me, and sounded surprisingly....calm.

Almost a resigned acceptance in her voice. But of course, she didn't tell the

rest of her FOO. One of the biggest issues in these almost 4 years is that Nada

has tried her hardest to treat my relationship as the shameful secret. She and

the rest of my FOO are very concerned about appearances in their small town.

The fact that I wasn't with a doctor or lawyer was crushing and humiliating to

them. Because of this, my husband has never been warmly welcomed. Some periods

it has seemed that they are finally accepting, only to reject again. None of my

FOO acknowledged our engagement. It was something I was repeatedly shamed for.

> > >

> > > Today, Nada has been leaving persistent messages stating that someone in

the town saw the announcement on Facebook, unknowingly congratulated my aunt,

who was then shocked and went to tell my grandparents. Of course, all of this

would have been avoided had nada told the FOO as any normal, excited mother

would have done. Now, I am being blamed for my grandfather's heart

palpitations, my grandmother's refusal to leave the house, and both their tears

not because they aren't happy for me (supposedly) but because they wanted to be

there and because they don't want people to know the FOO didn't know. Nada is

begging me to consider the FOO when posting anything on Facebook and not allow

anything to be " misconstrued. "

> > >

> > > My grandparents did essentially raise me, since nada was too mentally ill

and childlike to do so herself, so I do feel guilty BUT they have also enabled

her time and again at my expense. I don't feel like I'm being cruel for

feeling, quite frankly, that they all have gotten what they deserved. I have

caught endless grief and guilt for the past 3.5 years for my relationship with

my husband from my nada and grandparents, with little acknowledgment or pride

from them for what I have accomplished - finding a good-hearted man, raising two

children who needed a parent, finishing college and starting graduate school.

Why would I be eager to share the news of our marriage when I have been raked

over the coals every other time I have shared my good news? My friends and my

father's family, while shocked, have been overjoyed for my husband and myself.

I just refused to be beat down anymore, and if it has to be at the expense of my

FOO's feelings, as guilty as I feel about that, then so be it.

> > >

> > > Sorry, I really needed to get all that out.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

There is something about weddings that just bring out the CRAZY in mothers - BPD

or not, they just go bonkers and turn into a nightmare if you let them.

If I ever get married to my partner, Ill elope. No question about it.

There aint no way on gods green earth I would make his lovely family share a

room with mine for a day. We would hold a BBQ for them, but ignore my family

completely.

My mother made my first wedding a nightmare - when I told her I didnt want her

organising or paying for anything, she rang all the family members to tell them

that I wanted them all to " bring a plate " as I wouldnt be providing food. In the

end I told her she wasnt welcome - she turned up anyway and I remember her

sneaking up on me when people were congratulating us after the ceremony and

grabbing me on the upper arm (like people do to a naughty child) and tried to

drag me away from them, saying loudly that I needed to be in a family photo.

Luckily one of my friends who knew my mother ran up squeeling with fake

excitement to grab me in a big hug and get me away.

I only found out a few years ago that I was supposed to be a flower girl at my

brothers first wedding - I was told I wasnt invited and missed his wedding

completely (I was 10). She invited random relatives to my brothers second

wedding that he didnt want there and demanded that he take his friends off the

list so these people could attend (and he did!!). I still cant believe he caved

into that one.

ELOPE!!! Best idea ever!

> >

> > So on Friday, my fiance' of 2.5 years and I eloped. We had been planning

for a month after nada backed out of paying for our original wedding as revenge

for me refusing to travel 8 hours one-way back to visit her and for me refusing

to disclose large amounts of personal information. Of course, she later denied

saying ANY of that at all. I made it up, apparently.

> >

> > I should go on to say that in the past 3.5 years my now husband and I have

been together, my nada and her FOO have been overall unwelcoming of him. He is

a fantastic, smart man who treats me extremely well, but he is older than me and

has children who he has sole custody of and therefore live with us. Keep in

mind he is supportive in my role as stepparent to his children, supported me

through college and now graduate school, and overall adores me (even the women

in the chapel we eloped to said how lucky I was since he was so obviously in

love with me). But, he doesn't hesitate to stand up to nada and doesn't allow

her to repeatedly abuse me as she had for so many years. Because he finally

gave me strength to see through the FOG and stand up for myself, nada hates him.

He is the worst person in the world, who is obviously abusing and using me.

> >

> > I called nada about an hour before the ceremony and simply said I was just

calling to let her know I was getting married that night. Of course, this isn't

because we simply love each other to nada - it's because I'm pregnant

supposedly, or he manipulated me into agreeing to marrying him. I hung up on

her, hugged my friend, and walked myself down the aisle 45 minutes later.

> >

> > Nada waited until Monday to call me, and sounded surprisingly....calm.

Almost a resigned acceptance in her voice. But of course, she didn't tell the

rest of her FOO. One of the biggest issues in these almost 4 years is that Nada

has tried her hardest to treat my relationship as the shameful secret. She and

the rest of my FOO are very concerned about appearances in their small town.

The fact that I wasn't with a doctor or lawyer was crushing and humiliating to

them. Because of this, my husband has never been warmly welcomed. Some periods

it has seemed that they are finally accepting, only to reject again. None of my

FOO acknowledged our engagement. It was something I was repeatedly shamed for.

> >

> > Today, Nada has been leaving persistent messages stating that someone in the

town saw the announcement on Facebook, unknowingly congratulated my aunt, who

was then shocked and went to tell my grandparents. Of course, all of this would

have been avoided had nada told the FOO as any normal, excited mother would have

done. Now, I am being blamed for my grandfather's heart palpitations, my

grandmother's refusal to leave the house, and both their tears not because they

aren't happy for me (supposedly) but because they wanted to be there and because

they don't want people to know the FOO didn't know. Nada is begging me to

consider the FOO when posting anything on Facebook and not allow anything to be

" misconstrued. "

> >

> > My grandparents did essentially raise me, since nada was too mentally ill

and childlike to do so herself, so I do feel guilty BUT they have also enabled

her time and again at my expense. I don't feel like I'm being cruel for

feeling, quite frankly, that they all have gotten what they deserved. I have

caught endless grief and guilt for the past 3.5 years for my relationship with

my husband from my nada and grandparents, with little acknowledgment or pride

from them for what I have accomplished - finding a good-hearted man, raising two

children who needed a parent, finishing college and starting graduate school.

Why would I be eager to share the news of our marriage when I have been raked

over the coals every other time I have shared my good news? My friends and my

father's family, while shocked, have been overjoyed for my husband and myself.

I just refused to be beat down anymore, and if it has to be at the expense of my

FOO's feelings, as guilty as I feel about that, then so be it.

> >

> > Sorry, I really needed to get all that out.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

There is something about weddings that just bring out the CRAZY in mothers - BPD

or not, they just go bonkers and turn into a nightmare if you let them.

If I ever get married to my partner, Ill elope. No question about it.

There aint no way on gods green earth I would make his lovely family share a

room with mine for a day. We would hold a BBQ for them, but ignore my family

completely.

My mother made my first wedding a nightmare - when I told her I didnt want her

organising or paying for anything, she rang all the family members to tell them

that I wanted them all to " bring a plate " as I wouldnt be providing food. In the

end I told her she wasnt welcome - she turned up anyway and I remember her

sneaking up on me when people were congratulating us after the ceremony and

grabbing me on the upper arm (like people do to a naughty child) and tried to

drag me away from them, saying loudly that I needed to be in a family photo.

Luckily one of my friends who knew my mother ran up squeeling with fake

excitement to grab me in a big hug and get me away.

I only found out a few years ago that I was supposed to be a flower girl at my

brothers first wedding - I was told I wasnt invited and missed his wedding

completely (I was 10). She invited random relatives to my brothers second

wedding that he didnt want there and demanded that he take his friends off the

list so these people could attend (and he did!!). I still cant believe he caved

into that one.

ELOPE!!! Best idea ever!

> >

> > So on Friday, my fiance' of 2.5 years and I eloped. We had been planning

for a month after nada backed out of paying for our original wedding as revenge

for me refusing to travel 8 hours one-way back to visit her and for me refusing

to disclose large amounts of personal information. Of course, she later denied

saying ANY of that at all. I made it up, apparently.

> >

> > I should go on to say that in the past 3.5 years my now husband and I have

been together, my nada and her FOO have been overall unwelcoming of him. He is

a fantastic, smart man who treats me extremely well, but he is older than me and

has children who he has sole custody of and therefore live with us. Keep in

mind he is supportive in my role as stepparent to his children, supported me

through college and now graduate school, and overall adores me (even the women

in the chapel we eloped to said how lucky I was since he was so obviously in

love with me). But, he doesn't hesitate to stand up to nada and doesn't allow

her to repeatedly abuse me as she had for so many years. Because he finally

gave me strength to see through the FOG and stand up for myself, nada hates him.

He is the worst person in the world, who is obviously abusing and using me.

> >

> > I called nada about an hour before the ceremony and simply said I was just

calling to let her know I was getting married that night. Of course, this isn't

because we simply love each other to nada - it's because I'm pregnant

supposedly, or he manipulated me into agreeing to marrying him. I hung up on

her, hugged my friend, and walked myself down the aisle 45 minutes later.

> >

> > Nada waited until Monday to call me, and sounded surprisingly....calm.

Almost a resigned acceptance in her voice. But of course, she didn't tell the

rest of her FOO. One of the biggest issues in these almost 4 years is that Nada

has tried her hardest to treat my relationship as the shameful secret. She and

the rest of my FOO are very concerned about appearances in their small town.

The fact that I wasn't with a doctor or lawyer was crushing and humiliating to

them. Because of this, my husband has never been warmly welcomed. Some periods

it has seemed that they are finally accepting, only to reject again. None of my

FOO acknowledged our engagement. It was something I was repeatedly shamed for.

> >

> > Today, Nada has been leaving persistent messages stating that someone in the

town saw the announcement on Facebook, unknowingly congratulated my aunt, who

was then shocked and went to tell my grandparents. Of course, all of this would

have been avoided had nada told the FOO as any normal, excited mother would have

done. Now, I am being blamed for my grandfather's heart palpitations, my

grandmother's refusal to leave the house, and both their tears not because they

aren't happy for me (supposedly) but because they wanted to be there and because

they don't want people to know the FOO didn't know. Nada is begging me to

consider the FOO when posting anything on Facebook and not allow anything to be

" misconstrued. "

> >

> > My grandparents did essentially raise me, since nada was too mentally ill

and childlike to do so herself, so I do feel guilty BUT they have also enabled

her time and again at my expense. I don't feel like I'm being cruel for

feeling, quite frankly, that they all have gotten what they deserved. I have

caught endless grief and guilt for the past 3.5 years for my relationship with

my husband from my nada and grandparents, with little acknowledgment or pride

from them for what I have accomplished - finding a good-hearted man, raising two

children who needed a parent, finishing college and starting graduate school.

Why would I be eager to share the news of our marriage when I have been raked

over the coals every other time I have shared my good news? My friends and my

father's family, while shocked, have been overjoyed for my husband and myself.

I just refused to be beat down anymore, and if it has to be at the expense of my

FOO's feelings, as guilty as I feel about that, then so be it.

> >

> > Sorry, I really needed to get all that out.

> >

>