Re: To Read or Not to Read? Update

[Guest guest]

I am glad you threw them out. No need to allow nada to poison you when she's not

there physically.

I have a question..you mentioned dysthymia. What does that mean? DO most KO's

have it? Is it like heart flutters?

Can you explain a little more about that?

Thanks!

SJJ

> >

> > That is my question.

> > My dad died in 2004 and my mother went even further off the deep end, as

> > Nadas are prone to doing when they are " abandoned " by someone's death.

> She

> > relied on him for everything - I felt she had him trained, and to be

> honest,

> > I thought she was bone idle for the last 10 years or so of his life.

> > I knew she was a narcissist, but didn't know about bpd, and although I

> now

> > realize she was a high-functioning bpd my entire life, I was so enmeshed

> > that it wasn't until I was in my 40s that I began to realize she had

> major

> > problems.

> > For a long time I thought she had dementia, which she does now have, but

> > looking back I realize it was just the bpd getting worse as she aged -

> she

> > became very hermity-waify.

> > After my dad died she started writing him letters. In the world of

> normals

> > this could be a sweet and poignant project. But no - the letters were a

> > litany of how bad her life was.

> > In 2007 she took an overdose hoping to die, and as I have said before,

> > told everyone who would listen that it was because she and I didn't

> > " interact " enough. And again, for those of you who don't remember me

> saying this (I

> > think I have :-) ) I was recovering from a traumatic and life-altering

> > injury at the time, and was a little busy with the wheelchair and rehab

> to be

> > doing much " interacting " with anyone.

> > Fast forward to four months ago. She went into a nursing home due to

> > advancing dementia. While working on her condo getting it ready to rent

> (still

> > not done - it's hard for me to be there), I " found " a binder full of

> these

> > letters.

> > They were left in a clearly visible place in the living room where they

> > would surely be found.

> > Well I started reading them, and was appalled. They are filled with

> vitriol

> > and gaslighting about what I did and didn't do, and what my husband and

> > daughter did and didn't do.

> > An example: She writes about not being at our home for the entire year

> of

> > 2005. Um, gee. I guess I hallucinated all the holiday and birthday

> parties?

> > The final page in the book was a suicide note explaining why our

> treatment

> > of her made her need to kill herself.

> > Thank God nobody else found these - I have no idea what their reaction

> > would be. It is entirely plausible that someone reading them would

> believe all

> > the insanity and think I am a really horrible person.

> >

> > Anyway, my question is this: I have only skimmed the letters. My

> daughter

> > read a lot of them, which infuriated her. Although she says they'd make

> a

> > great one-woman play - with background scenes of what really happened

> being

> > shown while the woman read the letters out loud.

> >

> > My daughter says I should not read them - we still have them out in the

> > garage. My husband says I should destroy them - he read some that

> accused him

> > of things he didn't do, and he is royally peeved. I am not sure. Should

> I

> > read them or burn them? Will reading them help cement in my spirit that

> she

> > is truly insane and help me come to terms with it?

> > Or will reading them further damage me and cause even more pain to my

> > already wounded spirit? Like many KOs I struggle with dysthymia. Will it

> make

> > it worse?

> >

> > What would you do?

> >

> > I'm open to anything and everything you want to tell me about this - I

> am

> > leaning toward not. So if you think not, please convince me to destroy

> these

> > d*mn letters.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

> >

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