My 2 Cents

[Guest guest]

I've been struggling with my relationship with my mother for years.

Today, I was told about Stop Walking On Eggshells. A the same time, I

was informed that my mother is likely BDP. While she hasn't been

examined by a psychiatrist and is unlikely to submit to that, it makes

sense. The pieces all fit. Not like I could tell her that, because she'd

never listen to it, which makes treatment highly unlikely.

I'm just so angry. I'm angry at the messages from BDP sufferers that

I've been reading at bdpcentral. I can see my mom in the 'pity me/it's

not my fault' attitude I keep seeing and it just hurts; it's hard to

accept. The only shining light is finding people who understand; who

went through it too. My siblings and I figured it was just us. We've

never known anyone who had a similar kind of problem. This is how I

feel; or rather have been feeling. If she'd listen, this is what I'd say

to my mother:

It's not all about you. If you want to rant, rave and throw a

tantrum over something because you feel like you are being slighted

without any rational reason, do not expect me to try to soothe you. It

is not an excuse. It is not an excuse for you to abuse others with your

behaviour. It is not an excuse to take it out on others. Where I would

normally suggest to anyone that you have no right to tell someone else

how or what to feel, BDP sufferers are an exception. They are incapable

by nature to be able to accurately analyze the situation. Instead, they

often act irrationally, hurting others in the process. And you think me

" listening " to you without agreeing with you will get me

anywhere? I've tried that honey and it just makes it fucking worse

for both of us, because you don't see me as listening no matter how

hard I try; it's a characteristic of the illness.

Empathy for you? My ass. For 25 years I have suffered under my

mother's tyranny. Constantly vigilant in my behaviour; needing to be

" good " all the time, so maybe today you wouldn't be mad at

me. Maybe today you wouldn't tell me I am rotten and I have to

change, because there is nothing good about me. Maybe today you

wouldn't tell me how ungrateful I am; how I am selfish and only

think about myself. And maybe today you would tell me you love me and

you like me, just as you raised me. Maybe you'd notice my

accomplishments or even listen to the comments you receive from other

people about how well behaved I am. It never mattered what I did,

because sooner or later I'd do something bad in your mind and all

the good that came before was forgotten. This is not acceptable.

It's not fair, it's not right and it will not be tolerated. I do

not empathize with your pain any more than you empathize with mine.

It's time to even the playing field. It's time for me to stop

hating you. And to do that you need to listen to me; to hear how I feel

too.

It's not all about you.It's not all about you.It's not all

about you.

It's not all about your pain. You need to take responsibility for

the damage you did; that you continue to do. You need to make an effort

to listen; to fix it. I have no reason to continue to try and listen to

you; to validate your irrational pains, when you refuse to listen to

what I have to say.

It's my turn now.

I deserve to heal. I deserve better. I deserve to be treated with

respect and dignity.

The only way I can do that is by not caring what you think about me. By

ignoring your confusing decrees that change from day to day and

contradict each other. I don't know what you want me to be anymore.

So I have to choose for myself. And you don't get a say, because you

confuse the issue. You change your mind and anger too easily. Worst of

all, all your needs come first, if mine ever bother to make it into the

arena at all.