Guest guest Posted September 13, 2010 Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 I really feel for you right now, I wish I could send you some peace, some light, some kind of solace because I know what this is like. I think abuse happens in a family system and this is what dysfunctional families seem to do, walk all the way around the real elephant in the room and vent their misplaced concern on another less powerful target. Anything is okay as long as the real problem, the elephant, is not being named. This is kind of what is going on in my family with my parents dancing around my sister-in-law's dysfunction as a parent because they have too much to lose in confronting her because she has their grandchildren, however because I don't, they look at me as the 'disposable' one. I know how painful it is and I am really sorry. I think you are probably right, this is an attempt from the cousin at more drama. I think facebook stuff like this causes so much trouble in families, I hear about it all the time. I think you are doing exactly the right things for yourself. It's just that they are determined to convince you that this is not true, so they can bring you back under their control. Ultimately I think that they are distracting themselves, and there is some kind of adrenaline rush that comes from family drama that makes it very enticing and addictive. You wouldn't hand narcotics to a drug addict and you are doing the right thing by not feeding their addiction to drama and holding your ground instead. It just feels rotten because if they don't get their fix they go into withdrawal or something. God forbid they should have to focus on their own lives and stuff instead of what this bogus family stuff they are distracting themselves with. I support you in holding your ground. I don't think bpd people come out of fully functional families so it's probably not realistic to want the support that you do...I want it too, but I have never had it and never will have it, because they are all either invested in the sickness or have cut themselves off from it and don't want to hear about it. It doesn't make us wrong for wanting support, it just means we have to look outside our families of origin to find it. Hugs. > > Hello, > > I find myself being horrifically angry right now. I don't know why it is > bothering me so much. > > Before my daughter's birthday party I contacted two family members intending > to invite them to the party. I did not think that this branch of the family > would support nada. Well, the two that I spoke to(I reminded them not to > tell nada where/when the party is) apparently reported right to their > grandmother(nada/s sister) that I was still not talking to nada. Nada's > sister called me ranting and acting just like nada. > > I had recently gotten a facebook page but kept comments and photos of my > children off of it since I had family as friends. Mainly, I wanted facebook > for old coworkers to keep in touch. Once I realized that they were > supporting her I removed them all from facebook. I decided to do what I > wanted and share photos of my beautiful daughters with the coworkers(now the > only friends left on facebook) who all know my children. > > All has been fine for 1 1/2 months now. All of a sudden last night one of > the cousins that I removed(one of the two I spoke to who ratted me out, so > to speak) sent me another friend request. I refused it but not the anger > and paranoia are back. > > I am furious that she would dare try to get back in touch after throwing me > under the bus like that. I am afraid that by refusing her request the > family will rally again to make my life miserable. By the way they have > behaved I can assume that refusing her request will be seen as more abuse > from me. No one is willing to admit that I am not being abusive but > protecting myself from abuse. > > I am not prepared right now to deal with the BS but not knowing what is > being planned now terrifies me. I am so tempted to message her and demand > to know why she sold me out and how she could treat me this way. My head > knows better, though. I know that no matter what I say to her she will > defend herself, her grandmother, and nada. I still so desperately wish that > someone in the family would be 100% on my side. I don't understand how > people can witness a child, and now an adult child, be treated this way and > ignore and condone it. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2010 Report Share Posted September 14, 2010 I feel that (otherwise normal) adults need to be told something only once. Then it's up to them to believe or disbelieve, and I can't control that any more than I can control what Nada does. So when I run into Nada's enablers and start hearing the old " she's your MOTH-er " song-and-dance, I tell them that she's mentally ill, her condition has a name, there are criteria for it, they're listed in the DSM-IV online, and they can look this up. The illness manifests itself in the way she treats people who are close to her, and her behavior toward me matches these criteria, so I am doing the only healthy and logical thing I can do - having very low contact and very strong boundaries. Their experience with her may be different, and if so, that's great. But I'm not going to throw myself or my family under the bus of her mental illness. Then, once they start realizing they're being split black/white, they're being manipulated, she's ignoring boundaries, etc. - they will know where to look. They won't have to wonder what's going on, because they've been told. The length of time it takes them to work this out is up to them. Not my problem, because I have fulfilled the (minimal) responsibility I may have to her flying monkeys. > > > > I know I can't respond and I don't. I just get tempted to either explain > > the situation and fantasize that they will see the light and hold nada > > accountable for her actions or I want to verbally tear them apart for > > supporting her in her abuse. > > > > Neither of these responses will get me anywhere. Sometimes I just get tired > > of being the bigger person and want them to hurt like they hurt me. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2010 Report Share Posted September 14, 2010 I feel that (otherwise normal) adults need to be told something only once. Then it's up to them to believe or disbelieve, and I can't control that any more than I can control what Nada does. So when I run into Nada's enablers and start hearing the old " she's your MOTH-er " song-and-dance, I tell them that she's mentally ill, her condition has a name, there are criteria for it, they're listed in the DSM-IV online, and they can look this up. The illness manifests itself in the way she treats people who are close to her, and her behavior toward me matches these criteria, so I am doing the only healthy and logical thing I can do - having very low contact and very strong boundaries. Their experience with her may be different, and if so, that's great. But I'm not going to throw myself or my family under the bus of her mental illness. Then, once they start realizing they're being split black/white, they're being manipulated, she's ignoring boundaries, etc. - they will know where to look. They won't have to wonder what's going on, because they've been told. The length of time it takes them to work this out is up to them. Not my problem, because I have fulfilled the (minimal) responsibility I may have to her flying monkeys. > > > > I know I can't respond and I don't. I just get tempted to either explain > > the situation and fantasize that they will see the light and hold nada > > accountable for her actions or I want to verbally tear them apart for > > supporting her in her abuse. > > > > Neither of these responses will get me anywhere. Sometimes I just get tired > > of being the bigger person and want them to hurt like they hurt me. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2010 Report Share Posted September 14, 2010 I think it has to do with letting go of *all* expectations toward the parent(s). It was hearing something that on the surface doesn't sound so very horrific, that did it for me. My nada had said, " You kids only talk to me or come to see me when you want something. " (meaning money.) Not only was this untrue, it was like a slap in the face. It woke me up. That statement was simply the last drip of corrosion that eroded away my feelings for her, I guess; it was cumulative. After decades of similarly disparaging, ugly, insulting, warped remarks it was that one that finally made it clear to me that underneath the surface appearance, there was no real love there. Nobody who consistently says such deliberately cruel, untrue things about another human being loves that person, so... OK. Reality finally hit me. I let go of all my hopes and expectations. And it felt to me as though my mother had died, which, in a metaphorical way, was true. -Annie > > > > I know I can't respond and I don't. I just get tempted to either explain > > the situation and fantasize that they will see the light and hold nada > > accountable for her actions or I want to verbally tear them apart for > > supporting her in her abuse. > > > > Neither of these responses will get me anywhere. Sometimes I just get tired > > of being the bigger person and want them to hurt like they hurt me. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2010 Report Share Posted September 14, 2010 I think it has to do with letting go of *all* expectations toward the parent(s). It was hearing something that on the surface doesn't sound so very horrific, that did it for me. My nada had said, " You kids only talk to me or come to see me when you want something. " (meaning money.) Not only was this untrue, it was like a slap in the face. It woke me up. That statement was simply the last drip of corrosion that eroded away my feelings for her, I guess; it was cumulative. After decades of similarly disparaging, ugly, insulting, warped remarks it was that one that finally made it clear to me that underneath the surface appearance, there was no real love there. Nobody who consistently says such deliberately cruel, untrue things about another human being loves that person, so... OK. Reality finally hit me. I let go of all my hopes and expectations. And it felt to me as though my mother had died, which, in a metaphorical way, was true. -Annie > > > > I know I can't respond and I don't. I just get tempted to either explain > > the situation and fantasize that they will see the light and hold nada > > accountable for her actions or I want to verbally tear them apart for > > supporting her in her abuse. > > > > Neither of these responses will get me anywhere. Sometimes I just get tired > > of being the bigger person and want them to hurt like they hurt me. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2010 Report Share Posted September 14, 2010 I can soo relate to this. My biggest struggle is to try and get some solidarity, acknowledgement or validation from my FOO. I am very close to my sister and we have faced together, through the years, all the dramas, the medical emergencies, the rages etc. But, even now, she still sides, most of the time, with Nada and tries to guilt trip me over the fact that I decided to keep very LC with nada. It really hurts me that, of all people, she should know better. Sis actually recognizes that nada is BPD, but every few months, she still falls into the 'enmeshment pit' again. Then she starts to side with nada, repeating her words and her 'reasoning' and it is a constant struggle to to have my side heard. Gosh, I can't stand the expression 'Oh, it is not THAT bad' or 'she is not that awful'. When my mother came and started demanding and requiring 24/7 attention - as usual - and did not acknowledge for a second that we were coming out of a long cancer battle (she blurted that we were the only people she knows that 'overreact' so much to cancer!), when she belittled my 13-year-old (Oh, nobody can say you are beautiful, maybe just cute...), when she started talking about her sexual exploits (I slept with a famour actor! and I know it is not even true) just to shock my kids, my sister only pointed out that nada actually cooked for us. Arrgh! We have talked some many times about nada 'gifts' or 'help' that always come with strings attached. She cooks a damn soup so that we need to profusely and constantly thank her and compliment her - possibly all day long. So, I hear you. It is sad and infuriating when FOO does not show solidarity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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