Re: first time posting, so hapy to have found a support group that explains my life

September 17, 2010

Sorry to hear nada spoiled one of the happiest days of your life. My nada rains

on every parade I've ever had, so she was never welcome at the hospital while I

was in labor. I waited until the baby was born to inform her of the news. The

birth of my children seems to be the only time I had enough sense to keep her

away. I allowed her to be a grandmother to my two sons. I learned quickly to

never ask her to babysit. If it wasn't her idea to spend time with either of my

sons, then all I heard was complaints about how inconvenient it was for her or

how badly they behaved. And now, my sons are 28 and 23, and because her behavior

has prohibited me from ever loving her, she's decided to try turning both of my

sons against me. So you might want to start now to limit her exposure to your

child. I know I always felt obligated to allow my children to see their

grandmother, but now I highly regret it. Not only for that reason, but also

because my older son ended up marrying a BP, someone just like my mother, which

means now I have 2 BPs in my life and my relationship with my children is all

but destroyed because of the two of them. Never trust a BP, its all about them

all the time.

Congrats on your new son!

>

> Hi! My name is I'm 28 years old maaried and just had my first child 3

months ago. My mother or what I saw in the abbreviations NADA goes undiagnosed

since none of us can get her to go to counseling. For the last 10 years I have

leaned on my NADA's sisters for support. my immediate family consists of my

father who is the stb-ex after 34 years and my twin brother. My twin is the BP's

" hero " he can do no wrong. On the other hand my father is all at fault in the

BP's eyes as well as myself. Since my NADA and father have decided to get

divorced my relationship with my father has become much stronger.

>

> My NADA grew up with an alcoholic for a dad and her mom is a BP as well

untreated until the death of my grandfather 2 years ago. I'm at a point now that

I'm not speaking to my NADA. I have been on her rollarcoaster for too long and

the last episode what the icing on the cake. Before this episode I seeked

counseling for myself because I was letting my relationship with her effect my

marriage. In my counseling I learned about boundries and keeping things on my

terms or just cutting it off. My counselor was the one that suggested my mom had

BPD. Just until recently I started looking into the BPD and I can check almost

everything off that makes her def. have BPD or BPD traits. I'm trying to seek

some support with people that also have similar situations with thier parent(s)

and advice on how to handle this in the future. I will be purchasing the SWOE

book as well to help me along the way. This is the story of my last episode with

her...

>

> The birth of my child 3 months ago. I didn't want her in the birthing room

when I delivered due to her past behavior. I was afraid she would do something

to ruin it and unfortunatly I let my boundry down and had my NADA, my husband,

and best friend in the room when I delivered. My husband and I asked my friend

in the room the take pictures of the baby when he arrived for us. My NADA had

her camera as well for herslef and was taking pictures as well. WHen my son was

born he had breathing problems and had to be rushed to the special care nursery

for tests. When this was happening my NADA was texting someone so my husband

asked our friend to take our camera out to the waiting room the show everyone

the pics of the baby. She did as she was asked and when she came back to the

room all hell had broke out with the NADA.

> Apparently my NADA wanted to go show the pics to everyone since it was her

first grandchild and she wanted to see the reaction on everyones face.

Unfortunatly she didn't tell anyone this and when my husband wanted someone to

go show the pics she was busy texting and still said nothing about wanting to do

this.

> After everyone went up to the special care nursery and saw the baby as I sat

in recovery. My husband, friend, and NADA return to my recovery room. At this

point we still didn't know if my son was going to be okay and I hadn't seen him

since I delivered him. My NADA was suppose to go back with my friend to my home

and stay there over night. Looking at my NADA I knew she was going to " blow " on

my friend.

>

> So as I sat in recovery and my NADA and friend were getting ready to leave I

told my NADA in front of my husband and friend that my friend felt bad about

showing the pics she didn't know that my NADA wanted to do that. Then my friend

spoke up and appologized when she did that my NADA started yelling and cussing

at her. My husband then interviened and told her he had asked her and was

unaware of my NADA wanting to show pics as well. SHe then starting cussing him

out and threatened to hit him. He became very frusterated as well as my friend

so he told my NADA she was not welcome to stay at our home and she needed to

leave the hospital. Then he and my friend left the room.

>

> I didn't say a word the entire time until they left me in the room alone with

her and the nurse. SHe told me if I want to have a husband like that its my

choice but she wants nothing to do with me, my husband, and friend ever again. I

then told her I did not care about the pics at the moment the only thing I cared

about was my recovery and my newborn baby. She said she understood BUT....if she

left the hospital she was never speaking to me again nor my husband and friend.

SHe then told me if my son wanted to have a relationship with her when he's an

adult that's fine she had only came to see him be born. Then told me she loved

me but has never considered me family. Then she wished me a good life and left.

>

> 2 days later we had just gotten home from the hospital. My NADA shows up at

the door with my twin brother to see the baby. My husband let them in and we

felt we couldn't say anything at that moment since there were other people

there that had no idea how she was or what had happened. She can make herslef

look very " normal " in front of people she doesn't know well ie: my mother in

law. She finally left 8 hrs later when there was just one person left and then

left. I told my dad aka her stb-ex to relay the message to her she is not

allowed to see me and my family until she gets counseling and appologizes.

>

> SHe doesn't feel she should appologize she thinks we owe her an apology for

making her drive home. Since then she ran into my friend at the store and

started screaming at her while she was at the register blaming her for

thedamaged relationship between my NADA and I . My NADA's version from what she

told my dad is so twisted and distorded compaired to what happened.This is how

its always been with her.

>

> She says horrible things, gets physical and has never appoligized for her

actions she just blames another person and twists the story. SO....where I am

now is not speaking to her and not letting her see my son, unless she gets help.

Since her and my dad are in the process of a divorce i think she has gotten

worse and more desperate. It breaks my heart that she isn't getting to see her

first grandchild grow up nor finding me and my son important enough to get help.

i can't have her direspcting my family nor introducing my son to that type of

disfunction. Lately she has been seeking out her sisters for a listening ear and

everyone is telling her she needs counseling. SHe just gives excuses why she

can't. She is now saying she has seriously contiplated killing her stb-ex (my

dad) twice and still is, as well as herself. I guess we can't do anything about

it unless she actually tries something is what the police and my dads lawyer

said.

>

> This is what we are thinking and I was wondering if anyone else has tried

this? Me and my NADA's siblings want to do an intervention. We want to meet with

a counselor explain to them her and her BPD. Then bring her in a different day

and offer her treatment if she refuses we tell her then we are all done with her

unless she gets help. I know its going to be nearly inpossibble to get her there

as well.

>

> How does this sound? Anyvother suggestions or stories of what you did? There's

so much more about her BPD but this email is long enough! LOL

>

> thanks for listening and any reponses are greatly appreciated,

>

September 18, 2010

I've decided to stay NC with my nada its for the best. I'm fortunate to have

some other family members and in laws that are wonderful and I need to take the

positive I have from them and focus on that. If she gets help more power to her

I'll believe it when I see it!

I feel I had no choice to deal with her since she was my nada but I do have a

choice.for my son. I feel to be a grandparent you have to earn it as a parent.

Also mozz the baby is as healthy as could be and I love him more then anything

in the world! Thanks for asking, she never has...

Appreciate all the support,

>

>Hello and welcome to the group! Your nada sounds awful. How could she treat

you like that just a few minutes after you went through labor and delivery?

Typical selfish BPD behaviour. They really lose it during important moments

(weddings, deliveries, graduations, etc.) becuase the attention shifts FROM them

To somebody else and they cannot stand it.

>

>If it weren't the pictures, it would have been something else for sure. They

cannot handle strong emotions or not being at the center of the attention.

>

>I made it aboslutely clear that my nada could not be present at both my

deliveries. My sister was not that lucky: not only she ended up having an

emergency C section, but nada made sure to show up at the hospital, making such

a scene just when my sis was being wheeled out of surgery, that doctors and

nurses told her she had leave or they were calling security! She was angry that

nobody 'invited' her in time for the birth. It was totally irrational because

my sis arrived by ambulance to the hospital for a scary emergency C section and

could not have had time to 'kindly invite' anybody.

>

>My nada was so out of control when my sis delivered that she raged for two

consecutive days 'forgetting' to take her blood preassure medication. However,

she made sure to call me several times to yell and scream against sis and

husbabd and communicate to me that her blood preassure was over the top. I had

to call her doctor (I was living in another country at the time!) and then her

cardiologist: both told me that she was at risk of having a heart attack any

moment and to tell her to go to the nearest ER. Of course she didn't listen to

my encouragement to seek medical help but kept on raging that my sis and her

husband where horrible people, that nobody ever treated her like that, and on,

and on and that she was going to die and we would all have her on our

consciences for the rest of our lives. Four hours later she had,indeed, a heart

attack. She survived. And with my sis in the hospital recovering from the C

section, I had to jump on spend close

to 3,000 $ to be on the first available plane to my country, to take care of

her in the hospital. To this day, I am convinced that she did it on purpose:

she made herself have a heart attack so that the attention had to switch back to

her! Forget sis and her difficult pregnancy and the baby: after that, everybody

was feeling sorry for her and only her.

>

>So, do NOT feel guilty at all. No matter what you had done on your delivery

day, she would have found something or somebody to 'explode' in yet another

rage.

>

September 18, 2010